When you're small and everything is new, it's easy to feel fear about almost anything: the dark, the faucet dripping in the other room, howling winds, a scurry of feet, or the breaking of a twig. And then when you get older, your fear transforms into more socially acceptable things like bad grades, disappointing people, cheating, and lying. But then, if you're very lucky, you find a protector and those acceptable fears become surmountable. And then new, worse fears are introduced like your best friend getting pregnant, your friends drifting apart, losing sight of what you were after in the first place, your partner keeping secrets, and the overwhelming pressure to be something you never considered in the first place. Those fears become seemingly insurmountable and then a new fear appears that is guaranteed to take your feet out from under you and you'll be swept out into a sea of uncertainty. Great.
Maya pulled the rest of the groceries out of the back of her Jeep and nudged the trunk door shut with her hip. It was a particularly cold January afternoon and only a few days before Maya was due back at Columbia. She balanced the bags of groceries in her arms and stumbled over the threshold of her home with relief. Dropping her keys in the bowl by the door with some effort, she let out a great sigh and kicked off her shoes before beginning to shuffle back toward the kitchen. Maya was halted however by the crescendo of voices upstairs.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Maya could hear Becks' voice filter down the stairs—she couldn't help but lean against the banister, craning her neck to hear more as she clutched the grocery bags against her chest.
"We're not finished," Jacob retorted quickly.
"Jacob, please–"
"We're. Not. Finished." He said firmly, his voice ever so slightly raised.
"Stop, Jake. You're not going to change my mind." There was that stubbornness that Maya loved in Becks. It rarely ever flared up, Becks usually being the middle ground between Maya and Keye whenever they found themselves at odds, but when it did, it was withering.
"It's not safe, Becks! Why don't you understand that?!"
"Oh please," Becks shot back, her voice piquing.
"This is not just about us anymore. How am I supposed to keep you both safe and build the house and do everything I'm supposed to do here?" Jacob was getting heated now as if rehashing this part of the argument plagued him with immense anxiety.
"There's nothing needing protecting, Jacob. Nothing happened to me last semester, and nothing will happen this semester."
"No." He said curtly.
"No?" Becks gave an incredulous laugh.
"You heard me: No." Jacob said stubbornly.
"Jesus, Jake," Becks replied, tired.
"I'm not comfortable with you leaving the rez, so no."
"Real mature."
"Becks—"
"Jake!" she shouted now and Maya jumped at the sound. "I have to go back to school, I have to finish out this semester, I have to do this before I can't anymore. Do you understand that?! That's it!"
There was a long pause and then, Jacob's voice changed into a softer, begging tone.
"Please Becks…stay with me."
Maya held her breath and clutched the grocery bags a bit tighter in anticipation. It felt like an eternity before Becks replied, her voice strained:
"Jake…I have to go." Following this, Maya heard the shuffling of feet and then the door to the guest bedroom slamming. She scurried into the kitchen and dropped the bags on the counter, hurrying to unload them as she heard the pounding of Jacob's feet coming down the stairs. As he rounded the corner into the kitchen, storming past her, Maya turned, feigning a look of surprise as she said:
"Hey, Jake…" But he didn't pay her any mind as he opened the french double doors, pulling off his t-shirt and throwing it into the backyard as he bolted toward the tree line, the anger radiating and rippling off of him in visible shudders. An explosion of wood and branches outside of the open door indicated that he had phased and taken off in a hurry.
Maya continued to unload the groceries, trying to keep her face neutral even as she heard the softer, measured steps of Becks coming down the stairs. An exaggerated exhale of breath alerted Maya and she turned to give her a soft smile.
"Sorry," Becks ran her hand through her shoulder-length messy black hair and gave Maya a truly apologetic look. Maya waved her off as she said,
"I take it he's not wanting you to finish the spring semester?"
"You think?" Becks slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and looked longingly out the back door. Maya rolled her eyes and snorted.
"What does he think is going to happen, exactly? You're going to get kidnapped by a bunch of vampires who suddenly know who you are?" Becks didn't respond and Maya pursed her lips before turning back to continue unloading the groceries.
"I get why he wants me to stay. It's easier to protect us here, his attention isn't divided, and he can start his alpha duties, but—"
"Wait, Jacob's going to be alpha?!" Maya interrupted, whipping around to stare at her wide-eyed.
"That's what he said," Becks let out a great sigh and rubbed her forehead. She was starting to look a little pale. Maya crossed over to one of the cabinets and pulled out a glass to fill with water. When she set it down in front of her, she took a seat in the chair across from her.
"Are you sure you're doing okay?" Maya asked and then grimaced. She was trying to play it cool, as cool as she could manage anyway, but Becks looked tired, worn out, and like she was about to puke.
"I'm fine," she said after taking a hearty gulp of water. "He'll be fine, I'll be fine, I just need to make it through this semester and then we can relax a little." Becks absently placed her hand over her stomach and Maya's eyes flitted down to it quickly. Becks rubbed her hand across her abdomen for a half a second before meeting Maya's eyes and letting her hand fall to her knee.
"Becks, I—" Maya reached out across the table to take her hand, but a clattering of the front door and "My?" coming from the front door signaled Paul's arrival.
A few seconds later he came into the kitchen and Maya withdrew her hand.
"Everything okay?" he asked curiously looking between the two women. Maya stood up from the table and walked back over to the remaining groceries with a quick "Yeah, fine."
"I'm gonna go lay down," Becks said, her voice overtired as she picked up her water glass and headed toward the stairs. Paul gave her a small smile and nodded watching her go for a second before turning back toward Maya. Once Becks' footsteps had receded and the sound of the guest bedroom door had gently closed, Paul came up behind Maya and put a hand on her lower back.
"My?" He coaxed gently. Maya's mouth was set in a firm line as she unpacked and shuffled items into their designated locations in the cabinets in front of her, "What happened?" Paul probed a little confused. Maya stopped suddenly and whirled around on him, hands on her hips:
"Were you going to tell me about Jacob taking over as alpha?" Paul's eyes searched her face carefully but Maya tried to keep her expression neutral.
"Of course, babe, what—" Paul said tugging on her waist to pull her closer. Maya put her hand on his chest to steady herself as she felt heat rise to her face.
"He's not going to let her leave the rez, Paul," Maya said breathlessly. She stared at his chest for a moment and then raised her eyes to look at his face, expecting that stern, measured look of his. But instead she was met with softness, and a sweet smile that always set her heart racing. Paul raised his wide hand to cup her cheek, allowing his thumb to stroke the expanse of her cheek a few times before he said,
"If Becks is determined to go, there's nothing he can do to make her stay. He knows that, he's just stressed," he paused to watch her eyes that no doubt matched in his softness now at his reassurance and then said, "You guys always forget that the imprint has more sway in this relationship than almost anything else. He won't like it, but he'll do what Becks asks." Maya let out a huff of air and turned her head away from his hand and back at the groceries for a second. "You're kind of cute when you're flustered." He mocked gently with a low laugh.
Maya turned back at him and pinned him with an annoyed stare that made him laugh out loud. He looped his arm around her shoulder and tugged her into his chest, hugging her tightly before kissing the top of her head.
"It's gonna be okay, My," he murmured against her head, swaying her back and forth slowly in his arms. Maya had her hands placed on the sides of his abdomen, her eyes trained toward the staircase where Becks had disappeared moments before.
A crescendo of closed car doors sounded as the foursome piled out of Maya's jeep and into the clearing of Sam and Emily's. Maya shrugged further into her coat and when she looked over her shoulder back at Becks, Jacob was already by her side and taking her hand in his. She smiled at him tautly and Maya walked around the front of the Jeep, casually taking Paul's hand as he tugged her toward the door behind him.
Another farewell dinner, another impending goodbye. She sucked in a sharp breath to steady herself and quell the thrumming ache growing in her belly and buzzing up her spine, down her arm, and vibrating into Paul's. He gave her a reassuring look as he opened the door and crossed the threshold, giving a loud "Party's arrived!" to the already packed living room. Emily had insisted on another send off dinner for her, Becks, and Keye (who was currently wrapped up in Collin on the couch). But Maya was tired of goodbyes. Instead she saw this as an easy closing point for Jacob, and an obvious send off by his pack as well. Maya wondered if Emily had done this intentionally to show her support of Becks or if that was just a bonus.
Whatever the motivation, she was glad to have Becks' back who was still adamant about leaving tomorrow morning along with Maya. Jacob and Becks had tried to keep their arguments to a minimum after Jake had returned later that day, but Paul and Maya could clearly feel the tension between them. Maya was still worried that Jacob was going to force Becks to stay even though he gave no indication of it. Still, she didn't trust a rogue wolf—she firmly believed no one should.
Emily and Kim wrapped Becks in a hug and Kim held on a little bit longer, her eyes a fair bit misty. Maya raised an eyebrow at Keye who mouthed "Contact hormones" before rolling her eyes affectionately and bursting into giggles as Collin nuzzled into her neck.
"Hi, Maya," Emily said gently as she pulled her into her arms and gave her a warm, welcoming hug.
"Hi," Maya mumbled, still tucked in her coat and feeling warm.
"Ready for next semester?" Emily asked as she pulled back and retied her apron strings around her waist. Maya pulled off her coat as Paul grabbed for it while in conversation with Sam and Jared. Maya crossed and then uncrossed her arms , giving her head a hearty nod. She noticed Becks out of the corner of her eye, head bent toward Kim, one hand on her stomach and talking animatedly. She swallowed hard and stuffed her hands in her back pockets, heading toward the kitchen. Emily shook a saute pan of rice as Maya hoisted herself up on the counter and picked at some bread in a basket next to her.
"Are Jacob and Becks going to stay with you guys through the house building?" Emily asked nonchalantly, flitting from one task to the next. Maya glanced toward Becks fully now who was laughing, head thrown back, entirely too beautiful, her copper skin shimmering in the low light of the living room. Her heart ached for a moment that Becks hadn't been able to share that joy with her.
Stupid. Maya bemoaned to herself. And then to Emily, she said,
"I think so. There's not many places around the rez that meet Jacob's standard of living for Becks at the moment." She paused and looked down at her hands that gripped the counter too hard, "They're welcome to stay as long as they like though."
"That's good," Emily said in a relieved breath, "And I know what you mean. The housing revival project isn't going as smoothly as Billy hoped so there's less appropriate housing than usual. I think Paul said something about pulling in outside contractors he knew?" Emily looked over her shoulder interestedly at her and Maya's eyes went wide.
"Did he?" she asked, completely out of the loop, "I wouldn't know." She replied a little exasperated.
"Oh, right. You're probably swamped with school, makes sense," Emily waved off. Maya bristled and then told herself to calm down. She couldn't know everything that was happening on the rez and maintain her life at Columbia. There was just no way, so she shouldn't get herself upset. Still…
"What am I doing?" Paul asked as he sauntered into the kitchen, gravitating toward Maya and gently pushing her legs apart to stand between them and plant a quick kiss to her lips. He let one hand rest on her thigh as he reached around her for some bread. His eyes watched her carefully as Maya leaned back on her hands and took him in with a skeptical look.
"The uh, the project for the housing expansion on the rez," Emily confirmed distractedly. Paul continued to stare at Maya, amused, a smug smile coming across his face. Maya smiled back, unable to help herself and shook her head at him.
"That's right, I am doing that. We should be getting quotes in a couple of weeks. But, I'll talk down whatever price they bring to the table," Paul rubbed Maya's thigh with a firm touch and cocked his head to the side as if welcoming a challenge, an exchange. Maya shook her head and leaned forward, conceding to their silent conversation and letting her lips melt against his. He hummed his appreciation and slipped his hands up to grip her ribcage, making her gasp against his lips.
When Maya pulled back with a grin, she asked, "You were going to tell me all about that, weren't you?"
"Of course, babe. On our way to the airport," he said, still smug. She smacked his shoulder before pushing him back and hopping down off the counter to walk around him and help Emily who had become increasingly flustered in the kitchen.
The night was easy and slow as the warmth emanated from the hot-bodied men who gathered around in the living room, poking fun and cracking jokes. Maya was squished into the couch next to Keye and Becks as they shared a bag of wasabi peas. Embry was squaring off against two of the younger packmates and they were playfully clashing into one another, trying to three wrestle each other to the ground. They're bodies made frightening, heavy noises when they smashed into one another and Maya and Keye watched with wide eyes as Quil, Seth, and Jared laughed and goaded from the sidelines. Becks' eyes were trained off toward the round kitchen table where Jacob, Sam, and Paul sat seemingly to talk earnestly, an absent hand over her stomach.
Embry swiped his foot at one of his packmates' ankles, bringing him thudding to the ground as he jumped on top of him and pinned him to the floor. The other boy followed suit piling on top of Embry to the cheers and laughter of Jared and Seth.
"Hey," Maya nudged Becks' shoulder with her own, catching her staring at the three serious leaders at the kitchen table. Becks shook her head and gave Maya a tight smile. "What are they talking about?" Maya asked, clearly having seen some sort of torn recognition in Becks' face. Keye was glancing around Maya at Becks now, her face transforming into one of concern.
"Me, probably," Becks said, sounding almost resigned. She looked down at her hand on her stomach for a half a second and then met Maya's eyes.
"What, why?" Keye said, digging in the bag of wasabi peas and bringing a handful to her mouth. Maya continued to watch Becks carefully, her eyes flitting to the table every now and then. The men's heads were seriously bent together, as Jacob shook his head looking stressed.
"Because I'm going back to school tomorrow and Jacob doesn't want me to. And the council doesn't want me to. And the pack doesn't want me to. And my parents don't want me to," Becks voice was beginning to crack.
"The pack?" Maya said, her eyes skittering to glance quickly at Paul who was saying something to Jacob with a hard look in his eye.
"Emily basically tried to mom-guilt me about staying for Jacob's sake," Becks said. Maya's eyes went wide in a flash.
"Why would she do that?" Maya breathed, shocked. Becks shook her head and stared back at the sparring boys in front of her in the living room.
"Everyone thinks it's a bad idea for me to go. So, maybe I should just—," Becks began to concede.
"No!" Keye and Maya nearly shouted in unison. Jacob, Sam, and Paul's gaze shot up to stare at the women and Maya squirmed a little in annoyance under their gaze. She gave the most infinitesimal shake of her head at Paul and looked back to Becks who was staring, lips parted, almost pleading at Jacob.
"Becks," Maya said. "This is your decision. No one else's. Okay?" She placed a hand on her arm and Becks shifted her gaze toward her. She eventually nodded, still unsure and Maya's heart momentarily broke. They didn't have too long to sit in that feeling though because Collin and Embry stumbled sideways, losing their balance and falling toward the girls on the couch. Keye yelled as Embry caught himself before he nearly crushed Maya. Collin stumbled and fell back against the girls though eliciting a sharp hiss from Becks and a "OW, FUCK!" from Maya. Becks curled her hand and arm protectively around her stomach as Keye shoved Collin as hard as she could in annoyance.
"You fucking idiot!" Keye said as she tried to push him off. But suddenly, he was yanked with force from on top of them and thrown to the floor with a startling thud. Keye followed and jumped on top of Collin to hit him across his chest and shoulders as payback. Maya glanced at Becks and was opening her mouth to ask if she was okay, but Jacob was already there, kneeling in front of her and putting her face in his hands, a worried, strained look across his face. Becks winced as she sat up straight and Maya rubbed a sore spot on her ribcage where Collin had accidentally dug his elbow in when he fell.
"Becks?" Maya broached as she saw her breathe in sharply. Jacob was simmering with rage as he looked over Becks' body. Collin was laughing, completely unaware of the exchange unfolding as Keye continued to whale on him. The sound of his laughter seemed to crack something in Jacob though and he dropped his hands from Becks' face, standing in one swift motion and pulling Collin up roughly on his feet, sening Keye flailing back onto the ground on her butt.
It all happened so fast—one moment Collin was laughing on the floor and the next, Jacob had him slammed against the nearest wall, his forearm across his throat and pressing as he screamed, " What the FUCK is your problem?! She's fucking PREGNANT you idiot! Get your god damn head out of your ass or I'll fucking rip you to shreds!"
"Jake!" Maya reacted as Collin choked and coughed, his face beginning to turn purple from the pressure. Paul was behind Jacob now with Seth trying to wrench him off of Collin with little luck.
"Jake chill! It was an accident!" Seth yelled trying to get Jacob's attention. Sam was there now too trying to pull him off as well but Jacob's head was gone. Becks sat stock still, in shock, her arm still wrapped around her, as she watched the man she loved completely switch to a side she'd never seen before.
Jacob pounded his other hand into the wall next to Collin's face as he continued to yell, but the words were getting lost and jumbled. Paul yanked with all his might and was able to relieve some pressure off of Collin's neck. He took the reprieve and gasped for air heartily. Jacob was thrashing against Seth, Paul, and Sam's hold now as he shouted, "Get off of me!" He looked as if he wanted to kill them.
Maya didn't know when she had gotten to her feet, but she found herself standing, fists clenched as she watched wide-eyed as Jacob lunged for Collin again, slipping from the men's hold. He had to stop, he needed to stop. She looked over her shoulder at Becks who was hyperventilating, barely recognizing the man in front of her. Maya took two steps forward around the coffee table toward the scrambling men before she heard Paul shout, "Maya! Stay the fuck over there!"
She halted, shook to her core by his desperate rage as he tried to wrestle Jacob off of Collin again who's eyes were rolling the back of his head.
"Get over here!" Sam shouted to the rest of the pack. Once Jared, Embry, Quil, and Brady joined, they were able to successfully pull Jacob off of Collin and wrestle him out the door and toward the treeline. The fresh air washed some of his anger and yanked free of their grasp in the cool night air, bringing his hands up to his head, looking frantic.
"What the fuck, Jake," Embry said, breathless. As if realizing suddenly what he'd done, he tried to beeline for the front door again as he muttered, "Becks…"
Paul smashed against him, as the others crowded his back to block his way. "No. No way. Go cool off," Paul said firmly pointing toward the treeline. Something broke in Jacob's gaze as the reality of what he'd done dawned on him. With a frustrated growl he turned, ripping off his shirt as he bolted and disappeared into the treeline.
Paul and the others watched the breeze scrape empty branches against each other, their chests heaving.
Maya was frozen in place where Paul had told her to stay, her legs trembling as she watched Keye kneel in front of Collin who was rubbing his windpipe and still taking gulping breaths. Becks was surrounded by Emily, Kim, and Sadie. When Paul came through the door, Maya's gaze shot to him immediately. He strode toward her, that same heated purpose that he usually wore on his face when he saw her. Her breath caught in her throat and when he cupped her face in his hands, looking over her face and body with a gentle scan she felt herself hold her breath. The sheer anger and visceral, feral rage that had permeated the room moments ago had left a damp feeling of sadness and shock.
Maya couldn't quite find her voice but Paul understood, kissing her forehead for a long moment before saying gently, "Do me a favor—please don't ever try to get in between something like that ever again. Understand?" His voice grew gruff and ragged with emotion on that last word.
Maya nodded her head quickly and he finally pulled her into a hug that she wanted to let herself be swallowed up by and disappear until next year. She'd have to settle for the next few minutes though because the urgent feeling to get Becks the hell out of here started to creep up the back of her neck.
It took some convincing, but Maya was able to get Emily to agree to let her take Becks back home with her since they were leaving in the morning anyway. Maya worried that if she left Becks at Emily's, she wouldn't leave La Push at all. The terror in her eyes started to tell another story on the way back home though. Maya kept glancing at Becks in the rear view mirror as Paul glided them quietly back to the blue home tucked in the corner of the reservation.
Becks was silent, her eyes watching the fluttering of the occasional street lamps run ominous shadows onto the slick streets.
Maya followed Becks inside the house and as she poised to go up the stairs, she let out a small, "Becks? You okay?"
Becks halted, her hand on the railing as she took some deep breaths to steady herself. In a shaky but assured voice, she replied, "I'm fine, My. I'll see you in the morning." With that, she ascended the stairs and Maya heard the soft click of the door to the guest room close. Paul was at her back, his hand resting on her hip as he leaned down and said softly against her temple, "I'm gonna give Sam a call. Go lay down and I'll be up in a minute," he kissed her temple and moved around her to head out the back door as he pulled out his phone.
Maya stood frozen in the entryway twisting her hands around themselves as she watched him go. The physical anger that had roiled off of Jacob this evening had been frightening. She was sure Becks had never seen that side of him and for what? For one of his brothers accidentally falling on his pregnant girlfriend? It made no sense to Maya. Even if he was under such intense stress with the thought of Becks leaving, this reaction was too much.
Where do they go from here? She knew that Paul had a history of troubled anger but had he ever lost it like that? Did all of the pack have that same potential to unleash that kind of rage or was it just Jacob? Was it just a perfect storm of tension, upset, and unsettled conflict that led to it? Maya felt her feet move underneath her as she floated up to her and Paul's bedroom. The enormity of their abilities, their strength, and just how far they could go to protect not just their imprints but anyone was suddenly laid bare for Maya. They could kill. Suddenly, things felt so much bigger than they had before. As she undressed and pulled on some loose sleep shorts and one of Paul's shirts, she thought back to that night she had left the reservation to go the warehouse party with Sadie, Becks, and Keye. She remembered how Paul had showed up at just the right time to wrench that guy off of her and had beaten him within an inch of his life. He might have killed him if Seth hadn't been there.
Did that make him a monster? Should she fear that strength? That ability to kill even if it would never be directed at her? Were they all a short fuse waiting to be lit? And what felt worse was that if they were these dangerous creatures simmering just under the surface, she understood that nothing could take her away from them. She loved Paul, unwaveringly so. And seeing this side of Jacob tonight meant that Becks, despite any fear or trepidation, loved him still.
When Paul quietly opened the door to their room and changed into some simple sweats before climbing into bed next to her, she turned toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him forward to her lips. He held her tightly against him, his hands squeezing her waist as her hips pitched forward to meet his. Maya heard the low growl sound in his throat signaling the hardening need between them and she knew she'd give him everything. Anything this man wanted her to give, she would try to give it to him—love, friendship, trust, babies, comfort, anything. Everything in her responded to everything he communicated.
Her hand coasted down the naked expanse of his hard chest, slipping under the waistband of his sweats and taking his thick overwhelming length in her hand. He stuttered a moan against her lips as she began to stroke him, pulling him out of the top of his sweats. She felt his hands tighten to a bruising degree against her ribs and then loosen. The feeling of it sent a tingle down her spine, spreading through her core. Maya's thumb smoothed over the head of his length, spreading the bead of moisture around and down him as he continued to grace her with his heady moans. He yanked the shorts down her body and leaned over her so she was slotted beneath him. Naturally, he pushed his hips forward and Maya canted hers up, lining him up neatly against her core. He pushed up on a forearm so he could more easily pull the shirt she was wearing off, leaving her naked. He always needed her completely naked so he could drink in every inch of skin, watch the rise and fall of her breasts as she spiraled toward orgasm and see the line of her hips press against his. Paul gave her body one long look of appreciation, leaning down to kiss across her shoulder and the hollow of her throat before leaning up, spreading her further apart so he could bottom out into her in one hard push. Maya let her mouth hang open in a prolonged gasp as she felt him stretch her apart, filling her completely.
And with the unspoken fear still lodged in her throat, she let him claim her. As he rocked into her slowly, making sure to fully remove himself before sliding all the way back in, she knew she would let him take what was hers to give again and again. This love and heat and carefully buried fear of this man who was working between her legs, who would give her everything, and expect the same was it. Monster or not, Maya was in love with all of it. And as he pressed into her faster, pulling her toward a sweeping crescendo, she watched the wracking pleasure and hedonistic lust on his face transform into one of everlasting adoration. Maya's mouth fell slack and she cried out a moan too loud for the evening. So when he clamped his hand gently over her mouth to quiet her as he edged her toward her orgasm she let that feeling of overwhelming love rush through her, comforted by the fact that this man would only ever be hers. Mine.
Maya held Becks hand as they walked slowly through the SeaTac airport. Paul walked a few paces behind them, his eyes traveling around the terminal and lazily back to his phone as if he was waiting for a call he didn't care would come or not.
When they had woken up that morning, Becks hadn't mentioned Jacob. She hadn't said much at all. But her suitcases were ready by the front door of the guest room, ready for Paul to ferry them to the car. Maya had asked Paul if he had heard anything or if Jacob would be showing up to send them off but he had shaken his head, showing her the texts between him and Sam about his whereabouts.
It was almost as if Becks knew, so Maya thought that maybe Jacob had contacted her to tell her to go or that he was sorry or that he would give her space or whatever she needed. She was honestly relieved if she was being honest, because if that was the case then Becks could return to Northwestern one last time before her life inevitably changed forever. As they approached Becks' gate though, that relief evaporated. Jacob towered over the heads of the other travelers as he scanned the crowd for his imprint. His eyes looked soft, sullen, resigned, but his face was pulled with tiredness, the dark circles under his eyes darkening the chocolate brown of his irises. Maya gulped and felt Becks pause beside her. Immediately she shot her a look to garner their next move—should they run or get out of sight before Jacob saw? Maybe Paul could run interference, say Becks got on an earlier flight and she was already gone. But Becks was looking straight ahead, her eyes almost calling out to Jacob's and he answered the call almost immediately. He took one step forward as if to run toward her but then stopped, thinking better of it and waited until she began walking toward him.
Maya let go of her hand and let her walk forward with her, Paul taking Becks' place and filling her hand with his quickly. The soothing warmth lulled her panic somewhat as she watched Becks come to a stop in front of Jacob. Neither of them said anything for a long moment—they just stared at one another as if the short time apart during this upset had been more like months or years. And finally, Maya watched as Jacob raised his broad hand to cup Becks' cheek, his tired eyes glimmering with unshed tears as he said the words "I'm so sorry."
Paul tugged Maya closer to him and she obliged. Becks fell into Jacob's arms as the sobs shook her shoulders. Jacob leaned his head over hers and continued to mumble apologies and promises. He would be forgiven, because there was no other choice. But Maya knew even if there was one, Becks would forgive him because that was the person she was. No matter what rage or violence she witnessed in the man she loved, she would choose to see what mattered. She'd forgive him his past if he'd share it with her. For now, though, this could be enough.
Maya watched with bated breath as the overcom announced that Becks' flight was beginning boarding. Jacob had Becks' face cradled in both hands, speaking with her earnestly. Becks was shaking her head softly but Maya couldn't see her face. She looked up at Paul whose mouth was set in a hard line as he watched. That look pitched her stomach with anxiety and she looked back at Becks silently chanting for her to go. Jacob leaned down to kiss Becks in earnest now as she brought a hand to his face to catch a tear that had escaped. When they finally pulled apart after what felt like an eternity, Becks nodded. Maya inhaled sharply and looked up at Paul for anything, any sense of what was going on. He glanced down at her and gave the smallest shake of his head.
What?! Maya's mind was racing. But when she looked back, Jacob had pulled Becks into a crushing hug, openly sobbing now as he held her. This didn't look good.
After another moment of them holding tightly to one another, Becks took a step back and then…amazingly, walked around Jacob toward the door to the gate. Jacob turned to watch her go, his sobs wracking his entire body in a soul-splitting pain that Maya had trouble watching. But when Becks turned to give him one last look, she gave a weak smile and blew him a kiss. And then, she left. Jacob stood there, hands tangled in his hair as he dissolved into a complete mess. Maya felt her cheeks and realized they were wet. When had she started crying? The immense heartbreak she had just witnessed almost crumbled her own resolve to leave this time, but Paul pulled her into a tight hug and steered her away from Becks' gate and down the terminal toward her own.
"You'll look after him, right?" Maya nearly choked. Paul nodded, giving her a small, sad smile.
"Of course, My," he promised. "He's going to be fine."
Maybe they were too distracted with the devastating departure of Becks and Jacob, but leaving Paul this time didn't feel so bad. He held her a little bit longer than normal and buried his face into her hair, taking deep inhaling breaths to capture her scent just a little bit longer. But when he let her go this time, Maya felt solid.
Three months later…
Maya was typing as fast as she could in her Geotechnical Engineering course on a balmy April afternoon. It felt like her professor was talking a million miles an hour and she could start to feel a familiar knot in her neck tighten. Maya was swamped to say the least. Between four overwhelming courses, looming finals, and her advisor pressing her to submit applications for prospective internships to pursue her sophomore and junior year, she hadn't slept much.
She had never felt this much stress before and that was coming from someone who had had little to no free time thanks to her overzealous, community-minded mother since she was 4. Spring break had come and gone so quickly and she had tried her best to hold onto the carefree feeling she had as she spent an entire week uninterrupted with Paul in New York. They had spent their time going out to lunch and dinner, watching movies in the rented townhouse, and making love on the rooftop terrace. It had been nothing short of magical, but in the month since, Maya felt like she hadn't had any time to catch her breath, much less talk to Paul.
The ache in her stomach was a constant presence and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't on the verge of tears most nights with the stress, the quick texts before bed, and the missed phone calls. But she wasn't going to let it get to her. She was almost through her first year at Columbia and she could push through a few more weeks before getting back to normal on the rez.
Well, as close to normal as you could get with your best friend due to have a baby that summer at 19.
Maya glanced up at the shifting slides on the overhead projector and suddenly felt light headed. She was completely lost in the lecture now even though she had been scrambling to keep up. Suddenly, she felt nauseous. Maya groaned internally and closed her eyes tight trying to get a grip. Her eyes darted up to the clock above the projector—only 15 minutes to go and then she could make it back to her dorm and lay down for a minute, maybe call Paul, and relax.
Maybe.
Twenty-five minutes later, Maya shut the door to her and Beez's dorm and leaned back against it. A pitiful groan sounded from underneath a pile of blankets on Beez's bed.
"You okay?" Maya said, panting as if she was out of breath. The roiling in her stomach still hadn't settled and she placed a tentative hand over her stomach, hoping it would quell the upset and stress that bubbled there.
"Eeeegnnhh, nooooo," Beez whined.
"What's wrong?" Maya said as she tried to walk over to her bed slowly before sitting on the edge, "You sick?"
"Nooo, it's my fucking period," Beez moaned.
"Again?" Maya said flopping back onto her back and staring up at the ceiling trying to count the holes in the ceiling tiles to distract herself from the mounting nausea.
"Uh yeah, that's the point. It comes every month like a bat out of hell sent to drag me to…hell," Beez finished with a groan. Maya narrowed her eyes and tried concentrating on what Beez had just said.
"It hasn't been a month, though," Maya said after a beat.
"What?" Beez said peeking her head out from under the covers. Maya leaned up on her elbows and looked toward Beez with a wince.
"It hasn't been a whole month has it?" She asked again.
"Uh, yeah, it has. I think I'd know," Beez said grumpily. Maya glanced back up at the ceiling mentally counting out the weeks. It hadn't really been a month had it? Maya had been so distracted with class and keeping her head above water that she couldn't remember…the last time she'd had her period.
She wracked her very full brain, shuffling around the structural analysis formulas and geotechnical principles to see if she could remember. Paul had been out here a month ago for spring break and she hadn't had it then…she remembered having it shortly after she got back to school, but after that, it was all a blur. The nausea swelled within her again as panic pounded her brain.
There was no way. No way in hell this was happening. She couldn't even say the words in her head
"Maya?" Beez said from underneath her comforter.
"Mm?" Maya said shortly.
"Do we have any aspirin?" she groaned. But Maya didn't answer. Next to her, her phone started to ring, flashing with a picture of Paul. For the first time though, Maya couldn't bring herself to answer him right away.
[Voicemail: 4/28, 8:34 p.m.]
Hey My, it's Paul. Just trying to catch you. I haven't heard your voice in a couple of days and I just wanted to…to hear you. Listen, babe, I know we've both been busy and I know I've missed some calls because I've been caught up with this house stuff for Jacob and Becks and the new baby, but…when you come home, I promise things will slow down. I love you. Call me back. Okay…bye babe.
Maya clicked to save the voicemail from Paul and then quickly pocketed her phone back in her pocket as she strode forward in the cool night air. The last week had been her just going through the motions. Ignoring the mounting stress as best she could and burying the near persistent nausea building in her stomach, Maya pushed ahead toward finals.
But deep down, she knew she couldn't put this off forever. If she was…she swallowed thickly unable to bring herself to think of the word, then what then? She was desperate not to think about it anymore. As the lights of the campus infirmary came into view though, Maya couldn't put off the unknown any longer. When she left her dorm that night she had intended on heading to the library and to study until her brain went blissfully numb. When her phone had lit up for the third time that day with Paul's warm and comforting face however, she had changed course.
Whatever happened, she'd deal with it. But she didn't have to deal with it alone, so why was she leaving Paul on read and unanswered in her inbox? The bright lights of the infirmary washed over her as she headed toward the reception desk to the student aid behind the counter.
"Hello," she said in a kind, tired voice. "What can I help you with?"
"Um," Maya fidgeted her hands on the top of the counter and leaned in a little to keep her voice hushed even though the small lobby of the infirmary was empty save for one student. "I need to do a pregnancy test." Maya flushed red and watched as the almost bored looking student aid gather paperwork on a clipboard and slid it across the desk toward her.
"Okay, no problem. Fill this info out and return it when you're done. We'll get you back in a few minutes. They don't take very long," she said. Maya stalled holding the clipboard limply in her hands and staring open-mouthed at the student aid, "Let me know if you have any questions though." The aid reassured her.
Maya snapped out of it and nodded, walking toward a close chair and sinking into it. As she filled out the necessary information, her heart ratcheted up in her chest. I should call Paul, she thought involuntarily. She should call Paul. But she knew if she did he would panic and do everything he could to get to her before she even found out the result. The irony that only six months later she was sitting in such a similar situation to Becks did not escape her. Did Becks also feel this scared, this unsure about what she'd do next? Did all she want was her imprint by her side to tell her it would be okay and that they would do everything they needed to do and whatever felt right?
She must have.
"Maya Sunriviere?" The nurse called from a doorway behind the reception desk. Maya's head shot up. When had the clipboard disappeared from her hands and ended up in the nurse's? Maya got up on unsteady legs and followed her back into an exam room. The questions offered by the nurse floated in and out of her head. She must have answered them though because the next thing she knew she was being ushered toward a private bathroom with a cup in hand.
Time was moving too quickly and skipping ahead, but when she found herself back in the waiting room, everything slowed down to a torturous pace. She pulled out her phone and checked the time. Only two minutes had ticked by but it had felt like an eternity. Maya absently swung her feet as she sat on the exam table letting her mind mingle with thoughts of Paul, her, and the potential of…no. She wouldn't let herself go there, not yet, not when she didn't even know what she wanted.
But what if she didn't want…it? What if she wasn't ready? For once, Maya didn't know how Paul would react to something like that. If she didn't want that with him right now, how would he react? Would he support her or drag her home? The council would have her head if she tried to deviate any further than what she already had.
Maya felt herself beginning to hope beyond hope that this wasn't real and that she'd wake up in bed and laugh at herself. She began to hope that it wasn't a possibility. But there was a small voice in the back of her head saying otherwise.
Maya glanced down at her phone again. Five whole minutes had passed and the room felt colder. Just as she released a great sigh and was about to start pacing her phone vibrated causing her to jump. Paul's broad smile shone up at her and in a daze, her trembling fingers pressed answer.
Even as she pressed the phone to her ear, she knew this was a mistake.
"Hello?" she said, her voice sounding stronger than she thought it would sound.
"My? Oh, baby it's so good to hear your voice," Paul's warm voice vibrated across thousands of miles and echoed in her ear. She felt immediately soothed by it and couldn't help closing her eyes at the sound. "Where have you been?"
"I-I…I've just been studying babe, I'm sorry. It's been…t-totally crazy," she stuttered. She needed to get a grip.
"My…" Too late. "What's wrong? You okay?" The stress was evident in his voice. The timbre took on a rougher scratch that pressed it's urgency on her.
"Yeah, fine," she quipped. There was a deadened silence on the other end and Maya held her breath as her eyes darted about the room. She couldn't tell him, not now when she didn't even know herself. Why the fuck did she answer the fucking phone? "Paul, really. I'm fine, just tired. It's….been a long week and I—"
"Are you okay? You sound…"
"Baby, yes. I'm fine. I'm….in my dorm with Beez. I'm fine," she said, not wholly convincing anyone. Paul let out a sigh on the other end and seemed to be taking a moment to measure his words.
"I'm sorry. I know this time apart has been hard and you're so stressed. I'm probably picking up on that. You just sound…off," Maya was almost annoyed at the accuracy at which he had her pegged. She felt bad that she wasn't telling him where she was right at this moment and how scared she had been just a few moments ago. And now…now she felt lighter, safe. It still took her off guard the effect he had on her sometimes.
"Oh," she said, a little breathless, "No..no I'm fine. It's nothing I just…I wasn't feeling well and I went to the infirmary and I—" A knock sounded on the outside of the exam room and the nurse peeked in.
"Maya?" she said gently with a smile. Maya's mouth hung open mid-sentence as the phone slipped off her ear and onto her shoulder.
"My? You went to the infirmary? Are you sick? Baby?" she could hear Paul's voice echo on the phone.
"Yes," Maya answered, her throat dry now as the nurse clicked the door softly shut behind her and consulted her clipboard.
"Maya? Are you there?" Paul continued, his voice hinting at a panic.
"We've got the results of your pregnancy test," the nurse said, consulting her clipboard. Maya swallowed hard. This was it. Her heart hammered in her chest and as she watched the nurse's lips form the words: "Negative."
"Negative?" Maya repeated. "As in.."
"As in not pregnant," the nurse confirmed. Maya could have fallen through the floor with the relief that crushed her in that moment.
"Thank you," Maya breathed. The nurse nodded and left the room.
"My?!" Paul shouted. She brought the phone back up to her ear, "What's negative?!" Maya was stunned and her voice had disappeared. The only words she could muster as the pain in her belly subsided into one of overwhelming relief was:
"Can I call you back?"
"What?!" Paul shouted, the anger clearly ebbing around his concern. Maya ended the call and let her arm fall slack at her side.
"Fuck," she breathed out as she broke into a sob of relief.
