Seven Years Ago:
JJ and Emily were cuddled up on Emily's couch as Imagine Me & You played quietly on the tv on the wall. It was the first day they were both off of work at the same time since they had made their relationship official. Henry was in New Orleans with his dad, so the couple decided to spend an uninterrupted afternoon relaxing with Emily tucked against JJ's back, her arm draped across her middle and JJ's favorite navy-blue blanket pulled up to their chests.
"You can put an end to this." JJ mumbled lazily.
"How?" Emily replied.
She smiled as her girlfriend quoted the line from the movie word for word, a clear sign they had watched this movie too many times.
"Tell me to go… Tell me that's what you want, and I will walk away, and you will never see me again."
"Is that what you want?"
"I want you."
"I want you too, Jayje." Emily whispered, pressing a kiss to the back of JJ's head.
JJ twisted in her girlfriend's arms to face her. She smiled, thoroughly smitten with being in love. Emily leaned in and stole a quick kiss, making JJ blush.
"I love you Em."
"I love you too, sweet girl."
JJ blushed again, melting at the loving pet name.
"I wish we could stay like this forever." JJ said blissfully.
"Having you here safe in my arms, I agree."
"Too bad we go back to work tomorrow."
"Shhh, don't say the W- word." Emily groaned, earning her a lighthearted smack to the chest. "Oww."
"At least we have lunch together tomorrow."
"Actually…" Emily trailed off, sounding sheepish.
"Are you ditching me for your other lover?" JJ teased, mock offended.
Emily chuckled, then sighed and rolled her eyes.
"My mother."
"You've never really mentioned your mother before. I get the feeling you two are not the best of friends."
"That's one way to put it. We hate each other's guts, but she is still my mother, so we try to treat each other civilly as much as we can. We've both mastered the art of pretending our relationship is stable. In reality it's one wayward spark away from combusting. How about you? Are you close with your mom?"
"Hardly." JJ huffed bitterly.
"That bad?"
"Well, my sister died when I was eleven and my dad left us not long after, so then it was just me and her and… " JJ hesitated, already feeling as if she had divulged too much
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable talking about it." Emily said softly.
JJ trusted Emily and knew she was being genuine. Emily was the first person to sit patiently outside her walls until she felt comfortable enough to lower them.
"Let's just say neither one of us knew how to cope with our emotions and we had sort of a falling out. We can mostly act civilly around each other like you and your mother, but she always manages to somehow get under my skin and provoke me. Like the last time she came to visit, we got through an entire dinner without arguing, but then she asked when Will and I were going to get married, and I flipped my shit. I threw my plate at the sink, and it shattered. God, that makes me sound like I have anger issues. I don't usually do stuff like that, I swear."
"Hey, I get it." Emily said, giving her a reassuring smile. "One time I screamed at my mother to "fuck off" in the middle of a restaurant because she asked me one too many times when I was going to get a boyfriend. Our mothers get under our skin like nobody else can."
"You can say that again. I think I prefer my mom's insensitive comments to her silent treatment, though."
"She gives you the silent treatment?"
JJ froze, her eyes darting away from Emily's face. You're so stupid. Why did you have to go and say that? You just made the conversation awkward.
"Jen, I'm sorry." Emily said gently, stroking her thumb across JJ's cheek. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I was sticking my nose where it doesn't belong."
"No, it's okay." JJ shook her head, her eyes flitting back to meet her girlfriend's concerned gaze. "I was the one to bring up the subject."
"We can change the subject if that would make you more comfortable."
"Seriously, Em it's okay. Yeah, my mom gives me the silent treatment and yeah, she yells at me sometimes, but I'm not broken, okay?"
JJ could see from Emily's expression that her words had come out harsher than she had intended. Immediately guilt washed over her, and tears began to prick at her eyes. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's a touchy subject I guess."
"I understand. We don't have to talk about it."
"No." JJ said, shutting her eyes and releasing a long breath.
She then opened her eyes to look at her girlfriend. Emily saw the reluctance and sadness in those crystal blues, saw the fear that made her appear smaller, almost like a frightened child.
"I guess I should probably explain that Roslyn - my sister - didn't die, she committed suicide." JJ began.
She waited for Emily to look shocked or pityingly at her, but the expression never appeared. Emily simply gave her a small nod to continue.
"She slit her wrists in the bathroom we both shared, bled out in the bathtub. I found her that morning. I stood in the doorway, frozen, for probably ten minutes. It was like my brain couldn't comprehend what it was seeing. I finally went over to check her pulse, even though deep down I already knew she was gone. When my brain finally caught up, and I realized what had happened, I bolted out of the room and woke up my parents."
JJ looked down as Emily reached for her hands and squeezed them gently. JJ hadn't realized she was visibly shaking.
"You can stop at any time, love." Emily encouraged.
JJ silently thanked her with a quick smile but pressed on.
"The world– my world – it fell apart. I felt so lost and didn't know how to process what I was feeling. My parents were dealing with their own grief so I couldn't really…" JJ trailed off, unsure of how to finish explaining. "Then my dad left us. It was a Thursday nearly three months after- you know- and he was lecturing me about something, I don't remember what." Liar. You remember every word of what he said. "It turned into a fight between him and my mom that ended with my dad storming out of the house. Four days later, my mom received the divorce papers and that was the last time we ever heard from him. It was after that that my mom started giving me the silent treatment."
JJ chewed her bottom lip, trying to force the resurfacing memories back toward the dark corners of her mind from which they came. She tried not to focus on how tight her chest was or how hard it was becoming to breathe. That would only be an invitation for panic to set in and she did not need Emily to witness one of her panic attacks.
"I- you know what, I can't talk about this anymore, Emily." JJ stammered, shifting back to the edge of the couch. Deep breaths. "I'm sorry, it's too uncomfortable."
"Sometimes you need to feel the uncomfortable feelings and just sit in them for a little while."
Emily's words left JJ feeling confused. No one had ever said something like that to her before. It was a foreign concept to come across someone who didn't flinch when she mentioned her sister's suicide, who didn't make a big deal about her dad deserting her and her mom. Emily was the first person to let her express her emotions freely without getting offended or weirded out.
"I'd rather not."
"You prefer to avoid your feelings?" Emily guessed.
There it was again, Emily was going off script and catching JJ by surprise. The observation was not spiked with judgement or malice. It was an honest observation that made JJ realize Emily truly cared about her, demons and all.
"I guess avoiding my feelings is just easier than trying to make sense of them."
"Have you ever tried talking to someone about them?"
"I don't need a therapist, Emily. I'm fine."
"I know there's a lot of stigma around therapy but seeing a therapist doesn't mean you're weak."
"I didn't say it does." JJ shot back defensively.
Emily could tell she had hit another sensitive topic. She felt bad but also recognized that hidden deep under her girlfriend's defenses was a lot of unresolved trauma. Her heart broke knowing that someone had hurt the sweet angel of a woman in front of her.
"Like I said before, I'm not broken, Emily."
"I didn't say you were."
JJ hated herself for yelling at Emily, hated that she couldn't control her emotions. Our one day off is ruined because I can't keep my mouth shut, great. Keep breathing. Now she's mad and it's all my fault. Breathe. I never should have asked about her mom, then she wouldn't have asked about my mom, and we wouldn't be in this-
"Jayje." Emily said, breaking JJ out of her thoughts.
"What?"
"I asked if you're okay."
"Sorry, I was just thinking."
"About what?" Emily asked, earning another heavy sigh from her.
"I hate that I snapped at you, Em. Sometimes my emotions hit me so hard so quickly that I don't have time to reign them in."
Emily lay quietly, idly rubbing JJ's arm as she waited for her girlfriend to continue.
"I feel like kid when it happens. I should be able to control my emotions instead of them controlling me."
"It's okay." Emily replied kindly.
"No, it's not because then I lash out and hurt the people I love." JJ explained.
She looked away, trying not to blink and risk letting the tears that had been steadily building up escape. She threw off the blanket and sat up, feeling her heartrate kicking up a notch. Breathe.
"I lashed out at you Em, and I can't stomach knowing I will probably do it again. Even if I don't mean to, that doesn't excuse the fact I'm hurting you."
"JJ, look at me." Emily prompted, letting her hand on JJ's forearm still. "You are not hurting me."
"But I already did." JJ stammered, reaching up to thread her fingers through her hair, only to find it tied back in an elastic. Shit. She quickly released her hair then buried her fingers in it and clenched her fists to tug at the roots. Breathe. I can't breathe.
"I already hurt you, Emily. I made you mad."
"Jennifer, I'm not mad at you."
"No, don't call me that. I told you to never call me that!" JJ shouted.
Immediately her vision started to blur. Adrenaline flooded through her, making her limbs tingle and her head spin. Despite knowing it was only a panic attack, JJ felt like she was dying.
"Jen- JJ I didn't know. I'm sorry." Emily apologized, immediately bolting upright to calm her girlfriend. "You never told me."
"Yes I-" JJ stopped.
She sifted through her memories for when she had told her girlfriend not to call her by her full name, but she came up empty.
"Jayje?"
"I never told you. Oh god, Emily, I'm so sorry!"
Tears flooded down her cheeks, and a strangled sob escaped past her quivering lips, choking her as she fought to breathe. She pulled her hands from her hair to cover her face as her body shook uncontrollably.
"Deep breaths." Emily instructed, running her hand firmly up and down her girlfriend's back. "I've got you. You're safe, mon merle."
"I'm sorry, Emily." JJ gasped between shuddering sobs. "I'm so sorry."
"Come here." Emily soothed, pulling her inconsolable girlfriend in, and holding her close. "You're okay, I've got you."
JJ hid her face in Emily's neck as she desperately tried to regain control of herself. Emily leaned them back against the couch and JJ shifted to lay her head on Emily's chest. She focused intently on each breath she took and after a few she realized Emily was matching her every inhale and exhale. That discovery helped her focus. Inhale. Exhale. In. Out. They breathed together silently until JJ's body had stilled and her tears had slowed.
"Tu es en sécurité, mon merle."
"Wh-what does that mean?" JJ asked quietly. "You said it before. You said, "you're safe, my" something."
"Mon merle. My blackbird."
"I didn't know you speak French."
"Oui." Emily said, earning a flicker of a smile from her girlfriend.
"Do you speak any other languages?" JJ asked meekly.
"Let's see. English, Français, Español, Italiano, Ελληνικά, عربى and русский."
"English, French, Spanish, Italian." JJ identified. "I'm not sure what the next two were, but the last one was Russian, right?"
"Mhm." Emily hummed. "The other two were Greek and Arabic, respectively."
"Oh, I like how your voice sounds when you speak French."
Emily could feel JJ smile with the admission.
"Je t'aime, mon merle." Emily murmured.
"I love you too, Em."
"How are you feeling?" Emily asked concernedly as she brushed a wild strand of blonde hair out of JJ's eyes.
"Exhausted." JJ admitted quietly. She closed her eyes and burrowed further into Emily's embrace. "I forgot how draining panic attacks can be."
"I bet. We can go take a nap together if you want." Emily offered.
"Please."
"Whatever you need."
"Thank you, Emily."
"Toujours, mon merle." Always, my blackbird.
