Fili wasn't sure how far he had wandered, the trees he had sat under earlier had shrunk and now seemed like nothing more than baring twigs protruding from the earth. He was shaking with rage as he pushed through the low twigs and leaves of the shrubbery which brushed his knees. His balled fists trembled at his sides. He felt so angry. He'd felt angry a lot over the past few days, more than he could ever remember. He was always the composed one, it was Kili who had been the quick-tempered of the two, who would talk back and argue. And Fili would often find himself trying to calm his brother down. Often by taking a walk in the woods or just sitting quietly. Of course, it wasn't as though Fili never got angry, he just never let himself get angry in front of Kili. If someone had riled him – usually because they'd upset his little brother in some way – he'd make a point to return and yell at them later, when Kili wasn't around. It seemed that perhaps he had been the calm one because Kili needed him to be, and now that Kili was … wasn't there, who did Fili need to be calm for? Fili ran a hand through his blonde hair before kicking a stone with a growl and sinking to the ground, burying his face in his hands. He took in long, deep breaths through the gaps in his fingers in an attempt to calm himself. One breath. Two breath. Breathe in, hold, breath out. He dropped his hands to the ground, wrapping blades of grass around his fingers. He titled his head back and took another breath in through his nose, smelling the fresh sent of the air, the scent of the flowers and of distant pine trees. He let the cool, crisp breeze wash over him, letting it slowly blow the rage away. His heart still beat like a thundering drum in his chest, but gradually he felt his muscles relax.

Suddenly, before he could do anything to prevent it, a sob worked its way up his throat and he was unable to hold it back. More salty tears began to roll down his cheeks, warm against his cold skin. He leaned forward onto his hands that were pushed deeper into the dirt. Fili thought he had cried all tears away. Not only had he been angry more than he could remember before, he had also cried more in the past few days more than he could remember. In fact, he couldn't think of the last time he'd done so. He had never been one to cry, his mother had always said he had Thorin's resolve, that he – No, wait. He could recall the last time he cried: he'd been a child, perhaps 32, he had fallen from a tree in the woods near his house in the Blue Mountains and broke his arm. He hadn't broke a bone before and it had hurt. Fifty years, fifty years, since he had cried properly. And he knew why he hadn't done so since, why he'd stopped. Because Kili had seen him cry the day he'd broke his arm and had got so upset that anyone would have thought that he had broken a bone too. Fili didn't cry after that because he didn't want to distress his younger brother. In that moment, knelt in the shrubbery, leaves brushing his shoulders, Fili realised how much of his behaviour was based on what Kili had needed; he didn't get angry because Kili had needed him to be calm and patient. He didn't cry because Kili needed him to be strong. Everything he was was because of his brother. And everything he was was crumbling away.

Fili sat with his knees drawn up and his forehead buried in his arms for some time. Overhead wispy clouds floated across the sky like any other normal day. It was strange how, whilst Fili's world had stopped and crumbled, the rest of the world carried on. The birds that sung from the trees didn't know of the pain in his heart, the rabbits and squirrels, who still rummaged around in the earth for food, had no idea how much of a nightmare his life had become. For them, it was a day like any other. After a while Fili heard a twig snap and the bushes rustle behind him. He sniffed back more tears and straightened his back.

"Usually," he said sternly, "When someone walks away, it means they want to be alone." For a moment there was silence, all except a robin who chirped merrily on a thin shrub like it would any other day. Its small beady eyes watching them from afar.

"I just wanted to make sure that you are alright." It was Balin.

"Alright?" Fili scoffed. "My brother is dead, Balin. How can I be alright? I fear I will never be alright again." He heard Balin come closer, earth and dead leaves crunching and crumbling beneath his boots.

"Aye, I know lad." The old dwarf said softly. "And I'm sorry." Fili rolled his eyes and growled impatiently.

"Stop," He said in a low, firm voice. His head snapping to the side, his brows creased in a glower. Balin paused and looked down at the blonde prince, his stare was dark through the gaps in his blonde hair. "Stop saying you're sorry. I want everyone to stop saying that they're sorry." At that Fili jumped to his feet. "What good is sorry? Sorry will not bring him back." Another tear rolled down his cheeks. Balin regarded him with sad eyes.

"No it won't." The old dwarf brushed some dust of the front of his coat and stared at Fili again. He sighed. "And neither will this anger," he said, "nor will laying the blame on your uncle."

"Is that why you're here, Balin? To lecture me?" Fili's jaw tightened and his brow creased. "Because I meant every word!" The blonde prince curled his fists at his sides and shot Balin a dark and angry glare.

"Fili, I know you're hurting, and I know that you feel lost and confused." Fili scoffed at the older dwarf's words, he had no idea! He opened his mouth to respond but Balin carried on speaking before the first word past his lips. "But you cannot truly believe that Thorin is responsible?"

"All he cares about is that mountain, Balin. That damned mountain! We should never have left the Blue Mountains, we were comfortable there. But he wanted more," Fili choked back a sob, "Kili is dead, and even now all Thorin can think about is Erebor."

"That's not true, lad." Balin said with a shake of his head. "All he can think about is you." Fili simply stared. "He worries about you, he's worried about what your grief is doing to you. He loves you Fili. And he loved your brother too."

"Then why did he hold me back when Kili needed me? Why didn't he try to back those eagles turn around? Why did he wait before going back to rescue him?"

"Fili …"

"My little brother is dead because he held me back! Because he waited!"

"Do you think he isn't grieving too?" Balin took a step forward and equalled Fili's dark stare, "because he is! You may not be able to see it, but I can. I've seen him grieve many times before, and I see him grieve now. And you laying blame on him is unreasonable." Balin sucked in a deep breath. "None of this is your uncle's fault, and somewhere beneath this blinding rage you must be able to see that." The old dwarf crossed his arms over his chest. Fili ran a hand through his blonde hair, feeling Balin's eye upon him. The robin that had been perched on the shrub ruffled its feathers before flying away. Fili watched it disappear higher into the sky. A cold breeze blew from the west and it was as if it cleared away what remained of his anger. His friend was right. Blaming his uncle wasn't right, saying that he only cared for the Lonely Mountain was a false claim. Fili sighed. A memory flashed into his mind.

Dis stood with her hands resting on her hips, she shook her head defiantly. Fili sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Come on, mother." He said, "He'll be alright, I'll watch out for him like I always do." Dis stared at him, "plus, he will never forgive you, any of us, if we leave him behind." She rose her eyebrows at her eldest son. "I promise you, I won't let any harm come to him."

Fili felt a pain in his heart. There was only one person that was to blame.

"This is my fault." He said with a shaking voice, heart hammering in his chest and a rushing in his ears. Balin's arms dropped to his side as he stared at the young prince.

"No, Fili." He said.

"I persuaded our mother to let him come, she didn't want him to but I persuaded her."

"Fili."

"I talked her into it, I promised her that I'd look after him. If I hadn't been so persistent, if I just accepted her wish Kili would still be here. He'd be back home in Ered Luin, safe. Alive." Fresh tears rolled down Fili's pale cheeks. "I led my little brother to his death. He's dead because of me."

"Don't you dare!" Balin roared. He sounded a lot like his brother in that moment. He grabbed hold of Fili's shoulders and shook him. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this, Fili! Blaming your uncle is one thing but blaming yourself is another and it completely unacceptable and wrong!"

"But I …"

"No buts!" Balin interrupted with a voice so furious that it made Fili's body tense. He wasn't used to hearing the elder dwarf shout like this. "You didn't do anything. You were the best brother that lad could ever have wished for."

"I wasn't good enough!" Fili screamed, pulling away from the older dwarf. "If I truly was the best brother then I would have listened and not have convinced our mother to let Kili join us, I should have listened to her when she said it would be too dangerous! But I didn't! And now he's dead. He wasn't even of age, he was still practically a child and I led him to his death! I as good as killed him myself!"

"Fili! Get this ridiculous notion out of your head! You aren't thinking straight. You did not do this, you did not kill your brother Fili!" But Balin knew his words were hopeless, he could see in Fili's eyes that the he'd already accepted that he was the one to blame for his brother's death and nothing Balin would say, no matter how loud or how long for, would change that. Even Fili blaming Thorin was better than this.


Bilbo had found himself sent over a small rise, littered with great rocks and balding trees to determine how far away the orc pack were. It had been Gandalf who had sent him for Thorin had fallen into a deep silence once his nephew had stormed away. Anger and blame, Bilbo supposed, was only natural when one was grieving, but he knew that Fili's anger and blame was wrongly aimed. Yes, he felt deeply sorry for the young prince, he couldn't look at him without his heart hurting, but he sympathised with Thorin, too. Not only had he lost his youngest nephew to a terrible and cruel fate, but now his eldest blamed him for it. Bilbo had almost wanted to reprimand Fili for being so unfair himself, but Balin had been the one to go after him and not long after Bilbo had been sent on his errand.

Now, with a cold breeze washing through his hair, Bilbo had his body pressed against a rock as he peered over the top of it. He could just about make out the shapes of wargs and orcs running and leaping across a group of distant mountains. Snow clung to the cliff-sides and mist rolled over their peaks. As a cloud moved past the sun Bilbo was sure he saw the light glint of the pale skin of Azog the Defiler. Bilbo felt his fists clench as he watched the far away figure of the monster who murdered his friend and left the company beneath an unbearable cloud of grief. Now he understood how much of a cruel beast Azog was, now he understood everyone's hatred of him. Bilbo was roused from his thoughts by a shuffling sound, he listened closely as the shuffling turned into footsteps. But they didn't seem to belong to any dwarf or wizard, they were light and padded like an animals. He turned his head to see a huge black bear stood upon a cliff, sniffing the air and watching the orcs with shining eyes. There were pink scars across its muzzle and saliva dripped from his jaws. Bilbo sunk down and pressed his back against the rock he had been leaning against, his gaze froze on the monstrous animal. It was bigger than any bear he had ever seen before. He swallowed hard and snuck away as quietly as he could, not wanting to draw the beast's attention. As he hurried away he heard the bear give out an almighty, ear-splitting roar that made Bilbo's heart jump in his chest.

Bilbo darted back to the company. Thorin and Dwalin were in front, waiting for him. Thorin had his sword in his hand, it glinted in the sunlight. Fili and Balin had returned and were stood together on at the edge of the group, the older of the two looked considerably paler. Bilbo had no time to wonder what had been said before Thorin spoke.

"How close is the pack?" He asked. Bilbo came to a stop and rested his hands on his knees as he sucked in a deep breath.

"Too close," he puffed, "couple of leagues no more." He straightened back up, "but that's not the worst of it."

"The wargs have picked up our scent." Dwalin growled.

"Not yet, but they will." Bilbo looked over towards Fili who had a dark look on his face which said 'let them find us.'

"Did they see you?" Gandalf asked. The hobbit turned to look up at him. "They saw you." He shook his head.

"No, that's not it."

"What did I tell you," Gandalf said proudly, smiling. He chuckled, "quiet as a mouse. Excellent burglar material!" The rest of the company began to nod and mutter to themselves, Bilbo was even sure he heard a laugh. It sounded almost alien. In fact, it was such a forgotten sound that he was sure that he was simply hearing things.

"Will you listen?" But the group didn't quiet, still talking amongst each other. Bilbo rolled his eyes, "Will you just listen?" he said impatiently. "I am trying to tell you that there is something else out there." He jabbed a finger in the direction he had just come from, the company's eyes followed it before flicking back to him. Gandalf's grip tightened on his staff as he looked pensively down at him. His aged face was partly hidden in the shadow cast by the rim of his tall, grey hat.

"What form did it take?" He asked, bushy eyebrows raising, "Like a bear?"

"Y…yes." Bilbo stammered, staring at him with a bemused look. How did he know? "But bigger, much bigger." Bilbo recalled the enormous beast, it's paws bigger than any warg's, it's teeth like daggers.

"You knew about this beast?" Bofur asked, hands resting on his hammer. "I say we double back!"

"We'll be run down by a pack of orcs." Said Thorin. The company began to mumble and argue, pitching their own ideas, suggesting where they might go.

"There is a house." They stopped and looked up at Gandalf, who was still wearing the pensive look. His brows creased slightly. "It's not far from here, we … may take refuge."

"Whose house?" Thorin asked dubiously. "Are they friend or foe?"

"Neither. He will help us or he will kill us." The company fell silent, each looking as alarmed as the next.

"What choice do we have?" Thorin barely finished his sentence before the bear growled, the thunderous sound echoing off the rocks and making the company jump and flinch, turning to face the sound with panicked eyes. The animal sounded close.

"None."

The company darted away from the rocks, the roar of the beast still resonating in their ears. They sprinted through a meadow, dotted with purple and white flowers and through a shallow stream, the cold water splashing at their ankles. With every step they were aware of the bear gradually catching them up. As they ran beneath the cover of a thin woodland, which dropped sharply down, and jumped over fallen logs and ditches, they could hear the snapping of branches and of the beast growling behind them. The sound of it running to catch them sounded like a pack of bears, not just one. As the woodland broke away the house became visible in the distance, stood tall in another meadow of long, yellow grass that brushed their knees as they hurried through it. The huge building was surrounded by an equally tall wooden wall, ivy snaked its way up it and it was obviously constructed to keep intruders out. The company pushed through a tall and forbidding gate and into a vast garden which was crowded with plants and trees and over a dozen huge beehives. It was as though autumn hadn't reached it yet, or had bypassed it altogether. None of the plants showed any signs of decay, everything was alive and green. The house stood before them, a great wooden structure that cast a long shadow in the late afternoon sun.

Bombur reached the door first, he had shown considerable , and indeed bizarre, speed, which he had quite forgotten about as he completely bounced off the huge door without so much as shaking it. Fili reached it next and hit against it with his shoulder and the palms of his hands, willing it to open as he heard the bear get closer and closer. It couldn't be far now. And indeed, with a shout of "open the door!" from Gandalf, it burst through the woodland with an almighty roar. Baring its enormous teeth. Thorin pushed through the company with a shout and reached up to lift the latch, pushing the door open with a groan. It swung open and the party burst through before pushing the door shut. It had almost completely closed when the bear stuck its huge muzzle through, trying to push the door back open again. The company yelled and each pressed themselves against the door. Fili was closest to the beast and could feel its breath on him as it growled, some saliva dripped down onto his shoulder. Its breath was unbearable to smell and Fili made a point to breathe only through his mouth. The bear shoved the door open more but the company shoved back, forcing the bear away. The door slammed shut with a bang and the company moved away, panting.

"What is that?" Ori asked, eyes wide and still staring at the door, his posture tense as though he was expecting the giant bear to crash through it.

"That," Gandalf said, "is our host." A silence fell upon the group as everyone stared at him with disbelieving eyes. That was their host? That beast that chased them like rabbits? "His name is Beorn and he's a skinchanger." Bilbo frowned. A what? The hobbit looked back towards the great wooden door, which wasn't banging or rattling anymore. Everything seemed quiet now. Except his heart that thundered in his chest, it was a wonder that the others couldn't hear it. Or maybe they could but dismissed it as their own thundering heartbeat. "Sometimes he's a huge black bear, sometimes he's a great strong man. The bear is unpredictable, but the man can be reasoned with." Gandalf looked at the company apprehensively, "however he's not over fond of dwarves."

"He's leaving." Ori said, he had been leaning against the door with his ear pressed against it, listening intently. He could hear the bear getting further and further away, disappearing back out of the garden and into the meadow beyond.

"Come away from there." Dori grabbed his arm and pulled his youngest brother away. "It's not natural, none of it." He stared up at Gandalf, "It's obvious; he's under some dark spell."

"Don't be a fool. He's under no enchantment but his own." Gandalf replied impatiently. He sighed. "Right now, get some sleep all of you. You'll be safe here tonight." The old wizard looked about him wearily, "I hope."


-AN-

There we go, chapter 18! wooooo!

Sorry if the last half felt rushed, it was the first part with Fili and Balin that I really wanted to focus on. And now we know the truth, Fili doesn't really blame Thorin ... no its much worse.

I know you all want a reunion and I promise it will happen! Just not yet, Azog hasn't unveiled his evil plan. Well it's not really his evil plan ... but you shall find out what I mean by that in a few chapters time ;)

Your reviews are so awesome, you all rock! Thanks guys!