It had just past midday and the sun was gleaming through the balding trees. The company were sat in a narrow clearing, it wasn't too far from the river, if they all fell silent, and if there was a break in the birdsong, they could still hear the flowing water. They were sat in a circle, on rocks and logs and tree stumps.
"I can't believe it." Bofur said, removing his hat and puffing out his cheeks. "He's back, I never thought …" He stopped and sighed. A few sets of eyes were staring at him, but they didn't need him to finish talking because they knew what he meant to say. They never thought they'd see Kili again, either. The atmosphere had been strange once they'd left the riverbank. Emotions swirling around like leaves in a strong wind. Excitement. Shock. Concern. Happiness. They hadn't voiced any of these, however, not quite sure how. They sat waiting with anticipation, hands laced in their laps, some of their fingers drumming on their knees. A soft breeze blew through the glade, rustling what leaves were left. They were glad that their clothes had dried at last, or the the breeze would have felt cold, where in fact it came as quite a relief. The sun was warm, as if autumn had gone away for a day. There came the snapping of twigs, at first they payed no mind, supposing some animal had knocked them loose from the branches above. But when it came again and shapes began to emerge from the tree line, they looked up. Balin and Dwalin rose to their feet as Thorin and Oin strode into the camp. Both dwarves looked slightly paler than they had earlier.
"How is he?" Dwalin asked, fingers twitching at his sides.
"The orcs had not been kind to him, as you can imagine." Thorin answered, voice laced with sadness. "Oin has seen to him and we've cleaned his wounds as best we can. He's still a little disoriented, but he'll be okay. In time." He sighed. His eyes met Oin's as the old healer joined his brother, sitting stiffly down forcing a smile and a nod.
"And where is the lad?"
"Still by the river with Fili. We thought the boys would like to be alone for a little while. They'll join us soon." Thorin nodded, sitting down beside Dwalin, his friend squeezing his shoulder gently.
The brothers were sat beside each other on the bank as they watched the river, the sun still dancing on the water's surface. They didn't speak, they didn't need to. Being in one another's presence was all they needed. Both felt at ease, days of suffering and grief ended, days of feeling suffocated finally over. They watched a bird swoop down to pluck a fish from the river, leaving barely a ripple as it flew away again, the fish dangling limp from its beak. Fili gave his brother a sideways glance, studying his pale face. Despite the relief he felt, the weight of grief lifted, there was a twisting feeling in his gut. The shadows cast by the sun picked out Kili's features, the dark circles beneath his eyes, the way his cheekbones seemed more pronounced than before. He looked thin and sick and haunted, his eyes going in and out of focus in uneven intervals. Kili breathed in a deep breath, wincing uncomfortably, left hand going to his broken ribs as his face scrunched up in pain. The twisting in Fili's gut got tighter, like someone was reaching their hands through his stomach and wringing it like a wet towel.
"I'm sorry," he blurted out before he could prevent himself. Kili turned his head slowly to look at him. "I'm so sorry. This shouldn't have happened, I should have fought harder on that cliff, ran faster to get to you."
"No." Kili said, head shaking. His voice was strained. "They would have got you too. Then they'd have hurt you."
"I'd rather them hurt me than you brother."
"If the orcs caught the two of us they would have hurt us both, used it against us." Kili rubbed his left wrist, thumb running over the fabric Fili had tied around it. He was speaking sense, Fili knew. The orcs would have tortured Kili in front of him to make him talk, and the same the other way around. It was enough knowing the creatures had lashed and burnt and beat his younger brother, but to have witnessed it. Fili would have said anything to make them stop, would have spilt all of his secrets. Fili sighed. But at least he wouldn't be alone, he thought. The same words he said to Thorin on the crag. Fili watched Kili roll his wrist, brows pulling together slightly, the wounds caused by the harsh rope still clearly stinging.
"Kili." He said. "We did look for you, I swear. We travelled back for you." He wanted Kili to know they didn't abandon him, didn't simply leave him behind. Not that it would do much good now, he supposed. "I promise we tried. But they told us that you were dead."
"I know." Fili frowned at him. "Azog told me." Kili looked away, eyes falling. "Told me that no help was coming." It felt like a dagger had been pushed into Fili's heart. How must that had felt? To be told that he wasn't going to be rescued, wasn't going to be saved from his misery? To think he would suffer alone for mahal knows how long? The look in Kili's eyes as he stared back towards the river was the only indication of his anguish. How dark his once sparkling eyes had become.
"Oh, Kili. I'm sorry. If there was even a hint that you were still alive I would have found you, no matter how long it took. I … I" Fili let out a shuddering breath. "I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault, Fili." Kili said without looking towards him, his eyes still watching the sun dancing on the water.
The shadows of the trees and of the two dwarves sat on the bank grew shorter as the afternoon drew on and the sun began to disappear behind soft grey and white clouds. The breeze had picked up and the air was cooler. It was starting to feel like autumn again, the initial heat of the day gradually getting colder.
"Perhaps we should join the others now." Fili suggested, stretching out his legs. Kili noticeably stiffened at his words. "They've missed you, brother. More than you can imagine. They'd like nothing more than to see you again." Fili offered a smile but Kili said nothing, shifting uncomfortably were he was sat and his fingernails scratching at some mud on the right knee of his trousers. "We can't stay here forever." Although something told Fili his brother wouldn't mind. Something was troubling him. "What are you worried about? That they're going to think less of you because of what's happened?" Fili pressed, shifting and twisting his body so that he was facing Kili. He rose his eyebrows at him, willing him to answer. Kili's eyes fell, he was silent for some time, his eyes searching the river for the words he wanted to say, the words that were plaguing his mind. Fili decided to wait, to stay silently watching him until he answered. It seemed to him that whatever words were trying to climb up Kili's throat were painful and hard. Finally Kili spoke
"I don't want them to pity me." He mumbled, his voice quiet and shaking.
"Why would they pity you?"
"Look at me," Kili hissed, "At what I look like. I don't look like me, I look like some beaten animal. How can you not pity this?" He pressed his hands against his chest, his brows pulled together and nose scrunched up in disgust. Disgust at himself. Fili frowned and placed a hand on his brother's elbow.
"I don't."
"But they do. I saw it in their eyes earlier, it was obvious. I bet they're back there "poor little Kili" they'll be saying. I don't…"
"Kee, they don't pity you." Fili reassured, cutting in. "They're relieved to see you, it was … just a surprise is all." Kili scoffed, picking up a stone and throwing it into the river. Fili watched the ripples it caused, watched them spread across the water's surface, being warped and dragged away by the current. Kili didn't believe him, obviously. Fili sighed. "From the moment those creatures took you, the company … changed. You don't know how much joy you bring them, bring us all."
"That was before, I've changed too, Fili. I'm not the same as before. I'm weak and …" Kili sighed, toying with another stone in his hand, rolling it between his fingers. "I was never very good at being a … being in the Line of Durin. Always too reckless, too childish, preferring a bow to a sword or an axe and now … I'm even less deserving. I'm a failure."
"No you are not."
"I let Azog tear me apart and break me down, I let them beat and bind me. How am I not a failure?"
"Because," Fili grabbed Kili's shoulders and stared at him, deep into his haunted, sorrowful eyes. Tears threatened to creep from them. "You're still here. You survived all of that, you're strong, a fighter." Kili opened his mouth to say something, to argue, but Fili held up a hand, "We can only imagine what it was like, Kili, but the fact that you're still here shows that you're not as weak as you're saying you are. And don't tell me that you didn't use that impulsive tongue of yours to say some sarcastic, cocky retorts. That you didn't throw a few punches." Fili smiled. Kili bit down on his lip, thinking of Gurlak and Murg, of their black orc blood staining the dungeon floor and splashing up on his face. "I'm proud of you and beyond thankful that you're back. And as for the others they would never think poorly of you, Kili." He wrapped his arms around his brother, holding him close to him. "And you mustn't think poorly of yourself, brother." He stroked the back of Kili's head, hoping that his words meant something. He didn't want his brother thinking of himself so badly. He didn't want him thinking he was some pitiful creature. He was so, so much more, so much better. Kili had been through too much. He was never going to get separated from him again, never again would he leave him. Not for all the gold in Erebor.
When the brother's pulled away from one another's embrace, Kili was shivering. The heat of the sun was blocked completely now, thick clouds floating in front of it. There was a cold breeze washing over the riverbank.
"You're cold." Fili observed, he ran his hands down Kili's upper-arms, his skin cold and rough. "Here." He said as he began removing his brown tunic, which was finally dry. Kili frowned at him.
"W…what are you doing?"
"Giving you my tunic."
"But, you'll be cold without it." He said, shaking his head with dismissal. He pushed Fili's hands away when he reached the tunic out to him.
"You need it more than I do, little brother. Besides, I have a vest." Kili sighed and rolled his eyes. Typical Fili, he thought. It was too big, Fili had to roll the sleeves up a few times for him to be able to see his hands. At least it didn't cling to him, emphasising his thin, boney frame. It hid the bruises and the cuts and the burns. It felt strange to be wearing a tunic, it had been so long since his own had been torn off him and thrown on the fire along with his coat and vambraces and gloves. Immediately it blocked the cool of the wind. "Better?" Fili asked. Kili nodded and gave him a small smile. "Now, shall we join the others?" Kili looked towards the trees, his heart beating in his chest like a drum. He didn't want to face them, their pitying stares and smiles. Didn't want to be asked 'how are you?' a dozen times. But Fili was right, they couldn't stay on the riverbank forever. Night was on its approach, a few more hours and it would cover the land with a black curtain. Kili dragged in a deep breath and stared at his brother, who had one eyebrow raised at him. Fili will keep the questions at bay, he thought.
"Okay." He said. Fili smiled and helped him to his feet. He wrapped an arm around his younger brother's waist, knowing his ankle was still tender, and the two began to walk across the bank towards the tree-line.
A fire was burning, at last. It had taken Nori a little longer that he would have liked, for each time he got a spark a breeze washed through the small glade and snuffed it out. Gloin and Bofur had found it very amusing, and he had been very close to throwing a stone at them. Or something bigger. But finally the fire was burning and it brought with it the warmth that was disappearing from the air with every minute as the sun got dimmer and the shadows got bigger. Thorin absently toyed with a loose thread on the cuff of his sleeve as he sat, looking in the direction of the river. He was restlessly waiting for is nephews to appear. It had been some hours since he and Oin had left them. He was very close to going back to find them, but decided to remain sat where he was, pulling at the thread. After a while he snapped it off and let it fall the ground. It was a good thing that he didn't get up because, after Dwalin dropped some more logs into the fire, causing the flames to reach slightly higher, the brothers walked into camp. Thorin was on his feet immediately and the rest of the company fell silent. Kili was wearing his brother's tunic and didn't look at any of them, he kept his eyes firmly downcast and gripped Fili's vest tightly. Fili mumbled something to him quietly before looking towards Thorin.
"Boys," their uncle smiled. "Come and sit," he said gesturing towards the log he had been sat upon. Fili steered his younger brother towards it, an arm wrapped around him as Kili still winced slightly every time his left foot made contact with the ground. Kili lowered himself down as stiff as Oin had, eyes squeezing shut as he pulled in a hissing breath. Thorin's heart tugged, but he smiled and sat down on Kili's right side, Fili already planting himself on his left.
Kili didn't like how quiet everyone was, he wasn't looking at them, but he knew they were looking at him. It made him feel nervous. His brother and uncle were sat close to him on both sides, like two strong, unmovable walls. They were doing their best to strike up conversation, about elves and rivers and how they never wanted to see another barrel again, but each time it never lasted and quietness washed over them again. He shifted were he was sat and Fili wrapped an arm around him, he leaned into his brother, breathing out a long breath. He let his eyes flick up quickly. He saw Balin, the elder dwarf flashed him a gentle smile, his eyes sparkling with something in the firelight. It wasn't pity or disgust, as Kili had feared. It was gladness, it spread across his aged face making it glow. Perhaps Fili was right. Kili smiled back at him quickly before looking away again.
A/N
All back together again, save Gandalf whose swanning off Mahal-knows-where.
I've had my laptop reinstalled which means all the Middle Earth names and words I added to the vocabulary have been forgotten. It's rather annoying.
As usual, faves, follows and (especially) reviews are welcomed and appreciated! *cyber high-five*
