Fili awoke with his head light and swimming. There was a aching pain in his shoulder. Dim morning sunlight burst through high windows, picking out the dust that floated in the air. He frowned and pushed himself onto his elbows. He was in a large bed with old red covers, four wooden posts, draped in a similar fabric, reached up to a high ceiling. As he pushed himself up, a sudden dizziness washed over him, he pressed his fingertips to his forehead with a groan.
"Fili?" He heard a voice. He dragged in a deep breath until the faintness vanished. He opened his eyes. "Fili?" Thorin was sat beside him on the edge of the bed, looking at him with worry in his blue eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Yes." He answered. "What happened?"
"We found you unconscious in the street." Fili nodded and looked about him. This place was unfamiliar. This wasn't Bard's house anymore. Old furniture was scattered about, furniture which had either been grand in it's time or was simply pretending to be grand. There were faded green curtains hung over the windows on a notched wooden rail, they were dusty and moth eaten. The room had a strange smell to it, like damp wood. Thorin noticed Fili's eyes wandering about the room, "Bard threw us out of his home, understandably. Said we lied to him, put his children in danger, which we did. We had no choice. We came to the Master, told him who we were and what our plans are, and that we would bestow great riches on his town if he gave us shelter and provisions when the time comes." He said. Thorin reached forward and brushed a stray strand of hair from his nephew's eyes. Fili studied his face. There were frown lines across his forehead and a look of sorrow on his features. The rims of his eyes were pink, and it was clear to Fili that Thorin had been crying at some point. Fili had never seen his uncle cry, he was always stoic and tended to keep his emotions private. Fili was sure that if he had been crying, it had been when the door was closed and there was no body to see. At first, he wondered why he'd cry. And then he remembered. He remembered those black eyes, the feeling of hopelessness, of watching his brother vanish into the darkness.
"Kili?" He choked, feeling a lump in his throat. Thorin looked at the floor and sighed sadly.
"Gone." He said. Fili let himself collapse back down onto the bed. His chest suddenly felt tight and his eyes stung, his vision blurring. He closed his eyes, feeling a warm tear creep down the side of his face. It burnt like scolding water. He could feel a sob rising in his chest, he tried to suppress it, but it came out choked and painful. And then more sobs came and more tears fell. Gone. He'd lost his brother again. The pain, that all consuming pain, he felt when that orc told him Kili was dead, came back like a wave. It pressed down on him, suffocating him, breaking his ribs, until each inhale burnt his lungs like fire. His heart was tearing itself to shreds all over again, he had only just started to repair it. He felt a hand slide into his, he gripped it and it gripped back. Thorin pulled him up and into his arms. Fili buried his face in his uncle's shoulder and sobbed.
"I'm sorry, Fili. I'm sorry that there was nothing we could do."
"I've lost him, uncle, I've lost him again." He choked. Would he never stop failing? Thorin ran a hand through his golden hair. Fili trembled. Thorin sighed, it was like that night all over again, when they'd first lost Kili. When everything seemed to collapse about them. When grief left them suffocated. When Kili had been returned to them, Thorin had hoped Fili could repair his world after it fell apart. But now he could feel it shattering again. Shards fell through his grip. Not again. Fili could not go through this again. Thorin had almost lost him once, and this time there was no making it better. They couldn't simply share stories, time wouldn't make the pain go away. Not this time. Thorin rested his chin on top of Fili's head, feeling his nephew burrow deeper into his chest. A sole tear crept down his cheek and landed in Fili's golden hair. I am sorry, Kili.
Thorin stood in the doorway with his arms folded over his chest, he stared at his nephew laying on the bed, curled up on his side with his back facing the door. He had fallen into a silent state of shock, eyes glazed over and body trembling. Thorin had sat with him a while, neither of the two saying anything. After some time, Thorin decided to leave him alone. He patted Fili on the shoulder, and rose from the bed. With a sigh, he reached and pulled the door gently closed, before leaning back against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose. This was a mess. Such a mess. It seemed like such an impossible situation, yet here they were. Before setting out on their quest, Thorin had considered many possibilities, the worst possible outcomes. This had not been one of them. He heard heavy footsteps approaching.
"How is the lad?" It was Dwalin. Thorin looked at his friend. Dwalin had helped carry Fili once they'd found him.
"Awake. Upset, naturally." Thorin sighed, he ran a hand through his dark hair. "It would have been easier," he said slowly, " if Kili had never returned." He hated himself for saying it, for thinking it. He could feel Dwalin's eyes on him. "Fili was so happy when he got his brother back, and now he's been torn away from him again." Dwalin studied him, he knew his friend well – perhaps better than anyone – and he knew his thoughts.
"So you'd rather him still believe Kili dead?"
"He is."
"How can you …" He frowned. Thorin interrupted him.
"Everything that Kili was, is gone. His body is not his own, his thoughts are not his own. Kili is gone, Dwalin." While he had watched Fili laying quiet and vacant, Thorin had considered this carefully, and with a heavy heart. What was left of Kili? He may look like himself, but he was not himself. And he couldn't be rescued. It pained him to even think it, let alone try to accept. But he knew he had to. His nephew, the boy he raised and loved like a son, who had made his days joyful, was all but gone. They would not get him back. He had been replaced by a monster. It would have been easier, Thorin thought, his heart aching, if he had indeed been dead. At least that way they could try to move on, with pure, joyful memories to keep them going, instead of this unbearable weight, this dark storm cloud that lingered over them all, a constant reminder of what was happening to the person they loved so much, of what the future could hold. "It pains me to say it." He began walking down the hallway. It was a shadowy stretch of passage, crooked with uneven floorboards that a person could easily stumble over if it was any darker. More torchlight was definitely needed. He strode to the next door, he had insisted that he'd have the room next to Fili. He paused, his hand hovering above the door handle. Dwalin's eyes were on him again. He sighed and turned his head towards the warrior. Dwalin's grey-blue eyes were soft. Are you alright? They asked. Thorin forced a smile at him. I'll be okay. He twisted the handle and pushed the door open. He closed it behind him with one last glance at Dwalin, who didn't seem convinced by his silent reply. He leaned his back against the door and ran a hand over his face. Such a mess. He pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply. The space behind his eyes was beginning to ache, a dull repetitive pain. He moved to sit on the bed. He ran his fingers absentmindedly over the covers, old velvet which had lost its softness, becoming rough over the years. His room was quite dim, there were two large windows but the thick layer of dust on the glass seemed to hinder the sunlight. There was dust on most things. The humble bargeman seemed to keep a better house than this Master. He sighed and buried his face in his hands as he tried to come to terms with the mess they were in.
Fili leaned against the window, and looked out at the sky. It glowed pink and gold, a blue hue tinted the horizon. He could see far from this room, right to the end of Laketown – which seemed to be floating on a thin layer of mist – and beyond. It was a lovely morning, a crisp late-autumn morning. But it did nothing to lighten Fili's mood. Because every time he looked out of the window he saw Erebor, huge and dominating, in the distance, it glowed like gold in the early morning sun that morning. Keep Erebor warm for me. Fili closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath before turning away from the window and slumping down on the bed and burying his face in his hands. He screamed into his palms. Why had fate been so cruel to them, he and his brother? What had they done to deserve this misfortune? Fili had hoped that their luck was turning around when he had got Kili back. But it seems it was all some horrible game, fate had been taunting them, luring them in, like dangling a piece of yarn in front of a cat. Hope was a fool's game. Hope was false. And now Fili had no hope. He had no anything, because he felt nothing but emptiness now. His earlier sorrow had gave way to a cold and bitter void. His heart was barren. His soul was hollow.
He let himself collapse back down onto the bed. He stared straight ahead towards the ceiling. His eyes studied the design moulded into it, tracing the swirling patterns round and round until he felt dizzy. Letting out a long, growling breath, he pressed the balls of his hands to his eyes, his fingers lacing themselves in his hair, tugging at the strands. He sighed and rolled onto his side, pulling his knees up. He just wanted to sleep.
It was nearing late afternoon by the time rain had finally settled, after almost three days of a non-stop downpour. Being confined to the house had driven Fili mad, his little brother even more so. Kili did not do well with being stuck indoors. So as soon as the sun broke through the clouds, the pair headed out. Kili ran ahead and Fili happily strode behind him, glad to be out in the fresh air. He loved the feel of the air after a downpour, it felt like it was new, cleansed. Cold and crisp and clean. There was always a thin layer of mist clinging to the mountainside and the tops of trees. It was an early spring afternoon, and the birds and animals were coming alive around them as they walked into the shade of the forest. It was their favourite place to go. They'd barely made it past the tree-line before Kili began scaling a tree, reaching up to the lowest branch and heaving himself onto it, jumping to reach the next and swinging onto another. Fili smiled. Kili loved to climb trees, an he was good at it. People used to joke about him being part squirrel.
"Come on, Fee!" The younger brother called, continuing to climb as the branches got closer together and the leaves got denser. Fili watched as he flashed him a grin. He sighed and pulled himself onto the low branch. He looked up. Kili had disappeared already, he could hear the sounds of twigs snapping and see leaves fall as they were knocked loose. Fili liked to climb trees too, but he wasn't as skilled at it as his little brother, he wasn't as nimble or as quick. He pulled himself higher, feeling the damp bark dig into his palms.
Kili was already munching on an apple by the time Fili reached him, a victorious smile on his face. He threw his brother an apple.
"Thanks, squirrel boy." He chuckled as he caught it. He clambered to sit beside his brother, hearing him inhale deeply through his nose, the corners of his mouth turning upwards.
"It's so good to be out of that house." He said, "I'd had quite enough of helping mum with chores."
"Me too, little brother." Fili took a bite out of the apple and looked ahead. He could see why Kili decided to climb a tree so close to the forest's edge; you could see for miles across fields and rivers, the houses in their town huddled close together against the mountainside. The air was cold, but refreshing. It had began to get stuffy in the house, this chilly prickle was most welcome. He and his brother didn't speak much as they sat in the tree, leaves swaying about them, they didn't need to. They didn't need to speak to enjoy one another's company, sitting side-by-side admiring the view, watching the birds swoop overhead, feeling the breeze wash through their hair, the peacefulness after three days of rain, they were perfectly happy. They sat in the same tree for hours, watching as the sun set behind the mountain, glazing the land in a gold-orange glow, and long after that, when the stars appeared in a crystal clear sky. Fili smiled. These were his favourite type of moments.
He was woken up by a loud tapping on the door. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. He wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but the light from outside was dim. Nearing sunset. He sat up. The side of his face felt wet and he realised that he had been crying as he slept. He wiped the tears away on the back of his hand. The tapping came again.
"Come in." Thorin pushed the door open and smiled. He lingered in the doorway for a moment, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. After a little time, he cleared his throat. "The master has invited us to join him for dinner." Fili nodded once but said nothing. Thorin rose his eyebrows at him, "all of us."
"I'd rather not." Fili mumbled, "I'm not hungry, besides I … don't particularly want to see everyone." He lowered his eyes. He didn't want to face the others, because he knew what that would mean; they would give him the same sympathetic looks and forced smiles that they had before. They would say "I'm sorry" again, and it would make him sick and angry again. He couldn't face it, not again. He felt the bed dip as Thorin perched himself on it.
"Fili." He said, his voice soft. "you must come, the Master expects to see you." He placed a hand on his nephew's knee. "And the others will be pleased to see you as well." He gave his nephew a gentle smile but Fili simply stared at him with darkened blue eyes that had, once again, lost their shine. He seem worn, aged. He was hurting, Thorin knew that, just like he knew that he wanted to be alone. But Thorin didn't want to leave him alone with only his thoughts, his regrets, his guilt, for company. Being with the others will, hopefully, take his mind off the situation, even just for an hour or two. It would relieve his mind of this pain. "Besides, I would like you beside me, Fili. Not as simply my heir, as the Master expects, but as my nephew." I would like to keep you close. Fili sighed and nodded.
"Alright, but … just for a little while. I don't feel much like being in a crowd tonight." Thorin forced a smile at him and reached to squeeze his shoulder.
"Of course, thank you."
-A/N-
Long time no post, I know. But here is chapter 39. One away from the fortieth chapter! This story wasn't even supposed to be half this long, and there's still a way to go! I hope you'll carry on with this story, because I'm having so much fun writing it! I mean, I have three essays, two exams and a dissertation coming up, but this is the only thing I can ever focus on. I am not a good student :')
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Less happens in this one than the previous few, but I think we all need a breather haha!
Question: Do you think Thorin is correct in his thinking? Do you think it's justifiable? Because, I reckon it is. But I wanna hear your thoughts!
As usual, faves, follows and (especially) reviews are welcomed and appreciated :D
