I jumped out of my truck, grabbing the mail from the mail box and running into the house, as I did every day. It had been a fairly ordinary day at school, an easy day as we were almost at the end of the year. Finals were over and we were only a few days away from graduation.

I flung my bag down on the chair and the mail onto the kitchen table, before heading to the sink to pour myself a glass of water. It had been a fairly warm day, particularly for Forks, and I was feeling parched. As I drank down the water, one of the envelopes caught my eye.

Setting the glass down, I lifted the envelope, gasping as I recognised the handwriting I had been sure I'd never see again. I sat down in the chair at the table, unsure if my legs would hold me. I glanced down at the other letters that were underneath the first one. There were two more with the exact same handwriting.

Why would he be sending me even one letter? I couldn't understand why there would be three letters from him all arriving at the same time. I sat staring at them for ages, wondering what they could possibly say. Seeing his elegant handwriting again after so long, brought tears to my eyes. Tears of sadness at how much I missed him and tears of joy at this reminder that he was real; he existed out there somewhere.

Just then I heard Charlie's cruiser pulling into the driveway. I couldn't deal with talking to him about this, so I quickly stuffed the letters into my school bag, leaving the rest of the mail on the table.

"You're home early," I commented, trying to sound normal, as he hung up his coat and holster, "I haven't even started dinner yet."

"Quiet day, so my deputy insisted I go home early," he huffed, "Said I work too much."

"You do," I told him, "Now, go put the game on or something, while I start dinner."

Once he was out of the room, I relaxed a little, no longer having to put on an act for him. I tried to put the letters out of my mind for now, as I started dinner. Thankfully, there were some leftovers, so I didn't need to prepare a meal from scratch. I don't think I would have had the concentration for that. I put the leftover lasagne into the oven and set about making a salad to go with it.

Once everything was ready, I called Charlie in and we sat together to eat. I couldn't get the letters out of my head. I was desperate to know what was in them, but I was terrified at the same time. I don't think I could handle it if he was just reiterating what he'd said the day he left. That I wasn't good enough for him, that I'd just been a distraction to him and that he would easily find other distractions.

"Bella?" Charlie asked, as I realised he'd been talking to me and I wasn't paying any attention.

"Sorry?" I said, trying to focus.

"Is everything okay?" Charlie asked, "You seem to be in another world tonight."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied, "Just thinking about graduation. What were you saying?"

"I was just asking if you're busy this weekend. I was planning to go fishing with Billy," he said.

"I'll probably be up at La Push with Leah," I told him, "You go fishing. We're running dangerously low, maybe only about 2-3 years supply left." He chuckled, finishing his dinner and rinsing his plate in the sink.

After finishing my own dinner and rinsing my plate, I told Charlie I had some stuff to do for school before disappearing up to my room with my bag. I sat on the bed with the letters laid out in front of me, trying to work up the courage to open them.

I began by inspecting the envelopes. There was no return address on any of them, but the postmarks were from Rochester, New York and all three were dated a couple of days ago. Which one should I open first? Hoping that maybe the letters would be dated inside, I decided to open them all at once and then decide what order to read them.

Carefully, ripping open the envelopes, I took out the three letters and spotted dates at the top of each. One was dated the day after he left, one was dated about 3 months after that and the last one was dated only a few weeks ago.

Taking a deep breath, trying to ready myself for whatever could be in the letter, I picked up the oldest letter, written just after he left and began reading.

My Dearest Bella,

I never intend on sending this letter, but I have to get this all out somehow.

With every false statement, every dishonest declaration, every heinous lie I told you yesterday, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I am a broken man, never to be whole again, but I will suffer this punishment, so that you will live a complete life. A life full of light and life, family and children, love and happiness. That is what holds me here, stops me from running straight back to you and throwing myself at your feet to beg for forgiveness.

A life with me means giving up everything and you are too good, too pure for that. You should live your life in the sunshine, not hiding in the shadows with me. I wish you love and happiness, though it kills me to think of you finding another man to love. My heart will never belong to another, but you are human and you will move on. You'll go to college, find a human man worthy of you, get married, have children, grow old together.

My life is meaningless without you. My heart yearns for you, begs me to run back to you and it hasn't even been 24 hours since I left you. I will keep my promise to you. I will not return. It will be like I never existed. However, I was loathe to take all of my presence away from you, so I stashed your birthday gifts and photos in your floorboards, so that a small part of me will always be near you.

The only thing I ask of you, is that you keep your promise and don't do anything reckless. Look after yourself. I can't face living in this world if anything were to happen to you. You have to live a long and wonderful life. That is the only thing that will make this pain bearable.

My love, my mate, my reason for existing.

I love you and I always will.

Yours forever,

Edward

Tears were streaming silently down my cheeks by the time I had reached the end of the letter. I couldn't believe what I had read, reading through it a second and third time just to be sure I hadn't misunderstood the words.

He didn't leave because he didn't love me. He left because he did love me. I couldn't quite get my head around it. As I sat there staring at the words on the page, as though they might change before my eyes, I suddenly remembered a conversation we had a long time ago. We were sitting in the school cafeteria, just the two of us.

Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it, if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.

I had never given it much thought at the time and when he left, he was so convincing. It had never made sense for him to want me, to love me, so I just accepted it. Could it be true? Did he really love me? Was he out there somewhere, not enjoying himself with his distractions as I thought, but in pain over losing me?

The tears continued streaming down my face, making it hard to read, but I picked up the next letter, dated about three months after the first. Wiping away the tears and taking a deep breath, I began to read it.

My Beautiful Bella,

It has been months since I left my shattered heart with you. I am no longer living, just existing. My family have tried to get me to do something, anything, but I cannot bring myself to move from my bed. They are all trying to get back to normal. Carlisle is working and my siblings are in high school again, but I just lie here in my room. They drag me out the door to hunt. If they didn't, I wouldn't feed. It no longer holds any appeal to me. I don't need the animal blood to sustain me, I need you to sustain me.

I miss everything about you, my love.

I miss your sweet smile when I told you I love you.

I miss your warmth and the way you reacted instantly to my kisses.

I miss the crease between your eyebrows, that appeared when you were thinking hard.

I miss your soft hands caressing my face and tangling in my hair.

I miss your beautiful brown eyes, that made me feel as if I was looking deep into your soul.

I miss your heartbeat, a sound I could pick out anywhere.

I miss your laugh, one of my favourite sounds in the world.

I even miss you anger, how you were like an angry kitten that believes it's a tiger.

What I wouldn't give to be on the receiving end of that anger now. Anything just to see you, be near you. I would throw myself at your feet and beg for forgiveness that I do not deserve. Would you be happy to see me? Have you moved on like I wanted? Anger fills me at the thought of you moving on and loving another. I want to kill any man that dares to look in your direction, yet I want that for you. It's what you deserve. I'm getting what I deserve. I'm a soulless monster that dared to covet a beautiful angel. I deserve the agony I am in, so I won't return to you like my entire being is calling for. I will leave you to your life.

Yours always,

Edward

It felt as though my heart was breaking all over again. His agony poured off the page and by the time I got to the end of the letter, I could barely see the words through the tears. I had been heartbroken before, but hearing his pain was a million times worse than my own pain.

I wasn't sure if I could even handle reading the last letter, but I knew I needed to know what was in it, and what caused him to finally send these letters to me. Picking up the final letter, dated only a few weeks ago, I began to read.

My Beloved Bella,

With every passing day, it gets harder to keep myself away from you. Everything I see reminds me of you. Every tree reminds me of running through the forest with you on my back. Every flower reminds me of time spent in our meadow. Every time the sun shines, it reminds me of how you loved to see me sparkle. Every time it rains, it reminds me of rainy days in your house as you cooked dinner for your father or playing chess with my siblings at my house. You are everywhere and yet no where and another little piece of me dies each day I spend without you.

Not only am I destroying myself, but I'm destroying my family too. They worry about me constantly and it's beginning to ruin their relationships with each other. I can't stay here with them any more. I hate seeing what it's doing to them. They will be better off without me in their lives, so I will leave them to their happiness.

I don't know where I will go. I doesn't matter really because the only place I want to go is back to you, but I can't do that. I must keep my promise. I must let you live your life. It's the only good thing I can do now.

Yours for eternity,

Edward

I sat on my bed, tears rolling down my cheeks, holding the three letters to my chest for a long time. I could smell his very faint sunshine and honey scent from the pages and my memory hadn't done it justice at all. It smelt like home.

I thought about why he might have sent these letters now. It sounded like he was still planning to stay away from me, and his family, by the sounds of it. I wondered if he'd told them he was leaving, or just disappeared. They would be distraught, especially if he had just left. I thought about poor Esme, having her family upset and split up.

Did he send the letters because he wanted me to try to find him? But I had no idea where he could be. I could try to find him or the family in Rochester, since that's where the letters were sent from, but that might have been somewhere he just stopped on his journey away from the family. Why wouldn't he just come back if he wanted me to find him? Or why not write a letter telling me that he wanted to see me and letting me know where he was? What if I did go looking for him and then he turned up here looking for me?

So many questions and I didn't have any answers. The only thing I knew for certain was that everything he told me that day in the forest was a lie. He had hurt me, broken what we had and as much as I wanted to hate him for that, I couldn't find any hatred in my heart.

Very carefully, I folded the letters up and put them back into their envelopes before slipping them under my pillow. I gathered my things and headed into the bathroom to take a shower before bed. My head was still spinning from what I had just read and all the questions I had were floating around my head as I showered, still unanswered.

Once I was dried and dressed, I headed back into my room, just as I remembered a line from the first letter. He said he'd stashed some stuff under my floorboards to keep a small part of himself close to me. I got down onto my hands and knees, searching the floor for some sign of a loose floorboard. Eventually I found a board that was just a little bit higher than the rest. I slipped the end of a comb through the tiny gap and prised the floorboard up.

Inside the small space, I found the CD of his music he had made for my birthday, the plane tickets Carlisle and Esme had gotten me and some photos I had taken on the camera Charlie had bought for my birthday. Lifting it all out and carrying it over the bed, I sat down laying it all out in front of me. I lifted the pictures.

The first picture was one I had snapped candidly of Edward standing in my kitchen before my disastrous birthday party. He looked just as beautiful as I remembered, if not more so. I could see the amusement in his warm eyes as he chuckled over my antics. The second picture was in sharp contrast to the first. It was Edward and Charlie sitting on the couch watching TV. Whist he was still just as breathtakingly beautiful as the first, his eyes were cold and sad.

Looking back at these two pictures now, with the benefit of hindsight, I could tell that in the second picture, he had already made up his mind to leave. I could see the pain shining in his eyes as he worked up the courage to break my heart. To break both of our hearts.

I couldn't look at that picture any longer, the pain in his eyes causing my heart to break even further. I quickly stuffed it into my bedside drawer, along with the plane tickets, and putting the first picture under my pillow with the letters.

I picked up the plain CD case. The CD inside was blank, no writing to indicate what was on it but I remembered it perfectly. It was recordings of all his compositions, my lullaby being the first one. I hadn't heard it in so long but I still remembered every note.

I popped it into the CD player and slipped under the covers as the first notes of my lullaby began to play. I lay with my eyes closed, imagining that I was lying in his arms as I had many nights before, and listened to every amazing note with silent tears running down my cheeks.

Tonight, I would allow myself to revel in the fact that he still loved me and somewhere out there, he was missing me just as much as I missed him. Tomorrow, I would figure out what the hell I was going to do about that. I knew I had to find him somehow, even if it took me the rest of my life, I wouldn't stop until I had found him and healed our broken hearts.


Shameless plug again, but my first story 'Finding Her' has been nominated in the TwiFanfictionRecs for fics completed in March 2023. If you would like to vote for it the link is www. twifanfictionrecs .com (without the spaces) and the voting closes on 28th April 2023. Votes are limited to one per person in each 24 hour period. Thank you.