Chapter 3: A Quick Break

Gandalf: Well, we're nearly there.

Bilbo: Nearly at Erebor?

Thorin: Aww, isn't it adorable? He thinks we're nearly at Erebor.

Bilbo: Well, how much further can it be?

Balin: Well, there's still the Misty Mountains, the Anduin River, Mirkwood, the Long Lake…

Bilbo: And you came all the way to Hobbiton just to find someone who could rob a dragon? Someone who, I'd like to remind you, has no experience with burglary, dragons, or even walking long distances, for that matter?

Gandalf: Shut up, you're enjoying yourself.

Bilbo: Can't say I consider nearly getting eaten by trolls to be enjoyable.

Gandalf: Oh, what journey would be complete without almost getting eaten by trolls?

Bilbo: Don't even start, you weren't there for that part.

Thorin: Says the guy who was nowhere to be found when I was about to become a fleshlight.

Fili: Shh…you hear that?

Kili: It sounds like…singing?

Gandalf: Ah yes, the elves do enjoy their singing. In fact, they always sing songs that absolutely no-one could object to.

Elves: Never made it as a wise man / I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing / Tired of living like a blind man / I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling / And this is how you remind me…

Bilbo: I feel like some people are going to object to that one.

Gloin: Damn right we are.

Bilbo: Of course, those people are wrong…

Bomfur: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Bilbo: What, it's not like they're singing Oasis.

Nori: Good point.

Dori: Yeah, fair enough.

Ori: …I like Oasis…

Oin: And that's why you're not getting paid for this, Ori.

Ori: …that's fair.

Gandalf: Come, we're nearly at Rivendell.

Bilbo: So, if it's a predominantly elf city, how are they going to feel about a large group of dwarves just suddenly showing up?

Gandalf: Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.

*in Rivendell*

Elrond: You brought WHAT into my city?

Bofur: I knew he wouldn't be happy.

Gandalf: Come on Elrond, please?

Elrond: NO! You know how I feel about these…things…

Bilbo: Honestly though, what have you got against…

Elrond: You be quiet. At least with dwarves I know I hate them, so I'm fine with letting them in because I know where I stand. Hobbits though, I have no idea.

Bilbo: You don't even know me.

Elrond: Yes, that's the problem jackass.

Gandalf: Come on, please?

Elrond: Stop saying that, Gandalf.

Gandalf: You know I could burn this place to the ground instead, right?

Elrond: *heavy sigh* Fine, whatever. But I get to treat him like dirt.

Bilbo: I feel like you're already doing that.

Elrond: No, until now I was treating you like the worms inside of the dirt.

Thorin: Well, now that that's settled, would you mind having a look at some of these weapons we snatched from some trolls? *puts some swords on a table*

Elrond: Hmm…well, they're not troll-made, that's for sure. Definitely elven work.

Bilbo: Is that actually true, or are you just saying that to make yourself look better?

Elrond: *kicking Bilbo* This one is known as Orcrist, or Goblin Cleaver.

Bilbo: Wait, wouldn't the first name imply that it kills orcs instead of goblins?

Elrond: That's what I said.

Dwalin: Honestly Bilbo, weren't you listening?

Bilbo: But the first name says orc, but it's called Goblin Cleaver.

Gandalf: That's because it kills them.

Bilbo: Which one?

Gandalf: Yes.

Bilbo: I feel like this conversation is going nowhere.

Gandalf: I don't see what's so hard to understand about a sword named Goblin Cleaver being super-effective against orcs. Now *picks up the next sword* What's this one called?

Elrond: That would be Glamdring, or Foehammer. Once worn by the elvish king of Gondolin.

Bilbo: Wait, wasn't Gondolin destroyed in the First Age?

Elrond: Yeah, why?

Bilbo: Then what the fuck was it doing just sitting in a troll's horde?

Gandalf: Oh, like it matters.

Bilbo: Whatever *places his sword on the table* What can you tell me about this one?

Elrond: I don't care.

Bilbo: Of course you don't.

Thorin: *looking at his map* Well, now we're off to Erebor.

Elrond: Do you think you can get there before Durin's Day?

Thorin: Why is that important?

Elrond: It says right there in the moon letters *points out some writing that suddenly appeared*

Thorin: And you didn't think to mention these earlier, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Hey, you're the one who wants the mountain back.

Balin: It looks like if we get there by then, we'll find a secret entrance into the mountain.

Dwalin: Excellent. This calls for a celebratory dworgy.

Elrond: What's a dworgy?

Bilbo: Well…

*two hours later*

Elrond: AND STAY OUT! *slams the door on the dwarves*

Bilbo: We're sorry about…

Elrond: Shut up, you'll be the one paying for the damages.

Nori: *still putting his clothes back on* Well, off we go.