Chapter 4: Above Slope and Below Mountain

Bilbo: Are we there yet?

Balin: No.

Bilbo: Are we there yet?

Bofur: No.

Bilbo: Are we there yet?

Nori: No.

Bilbo: Are we…

Thorin: Are you going to ask that the whole way to Erebor?

Bilbo: No.

Thorin: Good, because…

Bilbo: Just until you kick me out so I can go home.

Thorin: Well then, I won't kick you out just to piss you off.

Bilbo: Okay then. Are we there yet?

Thorin: …I immediately regret my decision.

Gandalf: Will all of you just stop your bitching? Let's just find somewhere dry to rest until the rain stops.

Dwalin: Not a bad idea. The stone-giants over there seem like they're getting bored with their game of catch the boulder.

Giant 1: We're not getting bored.

Giant 2: Yeah, we just want more players to play with us.

Giant 1: Hey, how about you guys join us?

Thorin: Um, well…

Fili: Hey guys, there's a cave not too far ahead.

Kili: We can camp there for the night.

Thorin: *to the giants* Sorry fellas, we've gotta go *starts running behind everyone to get to the cave*

Giant 2: HEY! Get back here *picks up the boulder and throws it*

Gandalf: *once everyone was in the cave* Now, you two checked to make sure this cave was empty, right? *boulder lands in the entryway, blocking their exit*

Bilbo: Well, if it isn't, we're screwed.

Gloin: It's okay. We've got such a large group that if anything happens, we'll be able to fight it off easily enough.

Bilbo: Just like with the trolls?

Oin: Oh, like that would ever happen again.

*that night*

?: Alright boys, grab 'em.

Oin: *getting grabbed by something* Oh no, it's happening again.

Bilbo: *also getting grabbed* You know, between this and the trolls, I'm starting to think you guys aren't as competent as you make out.

Thorin: Don't worry. These goblins will just take us to their leader, and as a king I'll negotiate for our freedom.

Bilbo: Why do I feel like that won't work?

*with the Goblin King*

Thorin: …and that is why we were in that cave.

Goblin King: Uh huh. And how do I know you dwarves weren't trying to rob us?

Thorin: What? Your Majesty, I am offended at such a baseless accusation…

Goblin King: Okay, okay, I'm sorry *looking at Bilbo* And what about him? He's not a dwarf. Why is he with you?

Ori: He's a burglar.

Thorin: *sighs* You were just MADE for disappointment, weren't you Ori?

Goblin: Also, this dwarf king had this *holds up Orcrist*

Goblin King: YOU DARE COME INTO MY KINGDOM WITH THAT THING?!

Thorin: I…uhh…well…

Goblin King: EAT THEM AND FUCK THEM! I don't care which order.

Bilbo: What is it with you people and getting kidnapped by creatures who will try and eat and/or fuck you?

Gandalf: Deus ex Wizard to the rescue *suddenly wipes out several goblins* Come on, we're getting the hell out of here.

Thorin: Sounds good to me *charges after Gandalf with the other dwarves, shoving past Bilbo as they pass him*

Bilbo: Whoa, hey, watch it. I nearly fell down this…

Goblin: GET BACK HERE! *shoves Bilbo out of the way, down a hole*

Bilbo: SON OF A BI…