Bilbo: …TCH! *lands in a dark part of the cave* Well, this is just great, isn't it? How the hell did I even end up in this situation? …oh well, guess I better get going. Hopefully the others are already looking for me, and we'll meet up soon enough.
*meanwhile, in the caves above*
Gandalf: This way people, let's move, move, move. Is everyone here?
Thorin: I don't know, do you feel like counting?
Gandalf: …not particularly. There's a lot of us here, I'll just assuming the number's right.
*back below*
Bilbo: … *sigh* I'm going to be wandering around here for a while, aren't I? *kicks something, which makes a metallic ding as it bounces away* Wait, what was that? *fumbles in the dark for a moment and finds something* A ring? The hell's a ring doing down here? Oh well *pockets the ring and keeps walking until he steps in some water* Oh great, now my sock is wet.
?: *lip licking sounds*
Bilbo: …that can't be good.
?: …deliciousss…you look…deliciousss…
Bilbo: Okay, who or whatever you are, if you're trying to scare me, I should warn you that I have already crapped my pants.
?: You giveses yourself extra toppingses just for me?
Bilbo: …welp, this isn't exactly how I pictured dying. Actually, probably not anyone else either, for that matter.
?: Come…come…
Bilbo: That's the opposite of what I want to do right now.
?: No, as in putses that as a topping on yourself to addses to the flavour.
Bilbo: What the actual fuck? What kind of creature are you?
?: I am…I am…I forgetses…
Bilbo: Uh…huh. And how long have you been down here?
?: …I forgetses that too.
Bilbo: …what's your name?
?: I…forgetses…wait… *picks up a rock* Go long, go long *throws it at Bilbo*
Bilbo: *dodging the rock* Sorry, did you say your name was Gollum?
Gollum: I…forgetses…not that it matterses, now I must eatses.
Bilbo: Wait, wait, what about a game?
Gollum: Why play gameses when I can just eatses you?
Bilbo: It'll be fun?
Gollum: Not as fun as eating youses.
Bilbo: Of course it will be. Here, I'll tell a riddle, then you tell a…
Gollum: ENOUGH! Either sauceses yourself, or I'll sauceses you myself. Then, I'm going to eatses you and killses you.
Bilbo: Not in that order though, right?
Gollum: Did I fucking stutterses? *lunges at Bilbo*
Bilbo: *pulls out his sword* I should warn you, I have no idea how to use this beyond 'don't hold the pointy end'.
Gollum: A swordses? That's a bit dangerous.
Bilbo: Damn right it is. The last thing you're going to see is Bilbo Baggins of The Shire swinging at your…
Gollum: Of course, if you can't seeses me coming, it won't help much.
Bilbo: Why did you say it like that?
Gollum: Oh, you'll seeses. Or rather, you won'tses *laughs maniacally as he paddles into his lake*
Bilbo: …right…I'm gonna go now *starts leaving when he hears noises from the lake*
Gollum: Where is itses? Where is it? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!
Bilbo: Yep, definitely a cue to leave *starts running faster*
Gollum: BAGGINSES! Come here with your ring.
Bilbo: How'd he know about the ring *pulls it out of his pocket, accidentally slipping it on his finger as he did so*
*meanwhile, in Mordor*
Sauron: *suddenly awake* What the fuck was that?
*back in the cave*
Gollum: BAGGINSES! *charges past Bilbo, not seeing him* COMESES BACK HERE SO I CAN CUMSES ON YOUR BACKSES!
Bilbo: O…kay, so either he's in such a blind panic he didn't notice me right here in the open, or this ring turns people invisible. Either way, I just found a guide to the exit *starts following Gollum down the tunnel*
Gollum: How did he getses so far ahead of me? And how could I lets him stealses my preciousss birthday present? It's especially preciousss because it's the last one anyone ever gotses me…maybe I shouldn't have killed the guy who gaveses it to me…then again, he didn't want to gives it to me, so I guess he deserved its… *tunnel ahead brightens up* AHCK! Natural light!
Bilbo: And that's my cue to do this *jumps on Gollum's head, making the Mario jump sound effect as he leapt off*
Gollum: SONSES OF A BITCH! I'll gets you for this one days, Bilbo Bagginses! Just you waits and see! I will haves my revengeses!
Bilbo: *running towards the light* As if you'll ever come near me or the ring ever again. Now, I'll just slide this ring off, and… *takes off the ring*
Goblin 1: HEY! Who the hell is that?
Goblin 2: Maybe he's with those dwarves that just escaped.
Bilbo: Well, fuck me.
Goblin 1: We intend to.
Bilbo: *sighs* Well, guess I'm using this again *puts the ring back on*
Goblin 2: Where the fuck did he go?
Goblin 1: Look, he's making footprints in the dust.
Goblin 2: AFTER HIM!
Bilbo: Please be solid rock outside, please be solid rock outside…
