Chapter 5: Puzzles in the Black

Bilbo: …TCH! *lands in a dark part of the cave* Well, this is just great, isn't it? How the hell did I even end up in this situation? …oh well, guess I better get going. Hopefully the others are already looking for me, and we'll meet up soon enough.

*meanwhile, in the caves above*

Gandalf: This way people, let's move, move, move. Is everyone here?

Thorin: I don't know, do you feel like counting?

Gandalf: …not particularly. There's a lot of us here, I'll just assuming the number's right.

*back below*

Bilbo: … *sigh* I'm going to be wandering around here for a while, aren't I? *kicks something, which makes a metallic ding as it bounces away* Wait, what was that? *fumbles in the dark for a moment and finds something* A ring? The hell's a ring doing down here? Oh well *pockets the ring and keeps walking until he steps in some water* Oh great, now my sock is wet.

?: *lip licking sounds*

Bilbo: …that can't be good.

?: …deliciousss…you look…deliciousss…

Bilbo: Okay, who or whatever you are, if you're trying to scare me, I should warn you that I have already crapped my pants.

?: You giveses yourself extra toppingses just for me?

Bilbo: …welp, this isn't exactly how I pictured dying. Actually, probably not anyone else either, for that matter.

?: Come…come…

Bilbo: That's the opposite of what I want to do right now.

?: No, as in putses that as a topping on yourself to addses to the flavour.

Bilbo: What the actual fuck? What kind of creature are you?

?: I am…I am…I forgetses…

Bilbo: Uh…huh. And how long have you been down here?

?: …I forgetses that too.

Bilbo: …what's your name?

?: I…forgetses…wait… *picks up a rock* Go long, go long *throws it at Bilbo*

Bilbo: *dodging the rock* Sorry, did you say your name was Gollum?

Gollum: I…forgetses…not that it matterses, now I must eatses.

Bilbo: Wait, wait, what about a game?

Gollum: Why play gameses when I can just eatses you?

Bilbo: It'll be fun?

Gollum: Not as fun as eating youses.

Bilbo: Of course it will be. Here, I'll tell a riddle, then you tell a…

Gollum: ENOUGH! Either sauceses yourself, or I'll sauceses you myself. Then, I'm going to eatses you and killses you.

Bilbo: Not in that order though, right?

Gollum: Did I fucking stutterses? *lunges at Bilbo*

Bilbo: *pulls out his sword* I should warn you, I have no idea how to use this beyond 'don't hold the pointy end'.

Gollum: A swordses? That's a bit dangerous.

Bilbo: Damn right it is. The last thing you're going to see is Bilbo Baggins of The Shire swinging at your…

Gollum: Of course, if you can't seeses me coming, it won't help much.

Bilbo: Why did you say it like that?

Gollum: Oh, you'll seeses. Or rather, you won'tses *laughs maniacally as he paddles into his lake*

Bilbo: …right…I'm gonna go now *starts leaving when he hears noises from the lake*

Gollum: Where is itses? Where is it? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!

Bilbo: Yep, definitely a cue to leave *starts running faster*

Gollum: BAGGINSES! Come here with your ring.

Bilbo: How'd he know about the ring *pulls it out of his pocket, accidentally slipping it on his finger as he did so*

*meanwhile, in Mordor*

Sauron: *suddenly awake* What the fuck was that?

*back in the cave*

Gollum: BAGGINSES! *charges past Bilbo, not seeing him* COMESES BACK HERE SO I CAN CUMSES ON YOUR BACKSES!

Bilbo: O…kay, so either he's in such a blind panic he didn't notice me right here in the open, or this ring turns people invisible. Either way, I just found a guide to the exit *starts following Gollum down the tunnel*

Gollum: How did he getses so far ahead of me? And how could I lets him stealses my preciousss birthday present? It's especially preciousss because it's the last one anyone ever gotses me…maybe I shouldn't have killed the guy who gaveses it to me…then again, he didn't want to gives it to me, so I guess he deserved its… *tunnel ahead brightens up* AHCK! Natural light!

Bilbo: And that's my cue to do this *jumps on Gollum's head, making the Mario jump sound effect as he leapt off*

Gollum: SONSES OF A BITCH! I'll gets you for this one days, Bilbo Bagginses! Just you waits and see! I will haves my revengeses!

Bilbo: *running towards the light* As if you'll ever come near me or the ring ever again. Now, I'll just slide this ring off, and… *takes off the ring*

Goblin 1: HEY! Who the hell is that?

Goblin 2: Maybe he's with those dwarves that just escaped.

Bilbo: Well, fuck me.

Goblin 1: We intend to.

Bilbo: *sighs* Well, guess I'm using this again *puts the ring back on*

Goblin 2: Where the fuck did he go?

Goblin 1: Look, he's making footprints in the dust.

Goblin 2: AFTER HIM!

Bilbo: Please be solid rock outside, please be solid rock outside…