Chapter 6: Removed from the Skillet, Entering the Flames

Bilbo: …and that's what happened.

Gandalf: But why would this Gollum creature just give you his magic ring?

Thorin: And why do you smell like shit?

Bilbo: Guys, did you miss the part how there's been dirt and dust all the way here?

Goblin 1: *in the distance* Where'd he go?

Goblin 2: *in the distance* Look, the footprints lead this way.

Goblin 1: *in the distance* GET HIM!

Goblin 2: *in the distance* Hey, are those dwarf tracks?

Goblin 1: *in the distance* Even better. ONWARDS, TO BATTLE! *whipcrack, followed by ominous wolf howling sounds*

Balin: Ah crap, they've got wargs.

Bilbo: The fuck are wargs?

Dwalin: They're wolves, but large.

Bilbo: Uh huh. And reason we're still standing here is… *realises everyone else has left* Oh, COME ON GUYS! *runs after them*

*in a clearing at the top of a cliff*

Gandalf: Quick, up the trees. They'll never expect it.

Ori: But there's hardly any leaves in these trees. Won't they see us?

Dori: Shut up and get climbing Ori.

Ori: Why do you hang around with you guys? *follows the others into trees as Bilbo makes it into the clearing*

Bilbo: Hey guys, kinda need a hand here.

Nori: Sorry, but it's every man for himself today.

Bilbo: You're not men, you're dwarves. Gandalf's the only man here.

Gandalf: Actually, I'm a Maia.

Bilbo: What the fuck is a…you know what? Never mind. Just get me off the ground before the goblins get…

Goblin 1: *bursting into the clearing* Found ya bitch.

Gloin: Get up here *drags Bilbo into a tree*

Goblin 2: Well, thanks for making this easy for us. You got some matches?

Goblin 1: *pulling them out* Always.

Bilbo: Alright Gandalf, what's the plan here?

Gandalf: You really think I have a plan for this?

Fili: Besides, you're the one who led them to us.

Kili: If anything, you should be coming up with a plan.

Bilbo: Oh yeah, make this MY fault. That's gonna help.

Bombur: Guys, why do I smell roast pork?

Bofur: Your butthole's on fire.

Bombur: *looking down* Huh, so it is.

Oin: You don't seem too alarmed by this.

Bombur: What good's panicking going to do at this point? We're either gonna roast, or we're going to be eaten by goblins. Either way the pain will be gone soon.

Goblin 2: Just fall already. We have wargs to feed.

Oin: Make us.

Goblin 2: You heard him boys *goblins start shaking the trees*

Thorin: Damn it Oin, Ori's supposed to be the disappointment here.

Ori: It feels good to not be the worst for once.

Bilbo: Well, I guess this is the end then. Fuck all of you for dragging me along on this…

Lord of the Eagles: Will you people SHUT THE FUCK UP?!

Goblin 1: Piss off eagle, this doesn't concern you.

Lord of the Eagles: It is 3 in the morning, and you guys are screaming like banshees. I'd say that concerns me a lot.

Goblin 2: Look, as soon as these guys come down from their trees, we'll shut up and leave. Until then…

Lord of the Eagles: Oh, is that so? Okay boys, rescue time.

Other Eagles: Yes sir.

Goblin 1: Wait, NO!

Lord of the Eagles: *as he and his flock started carrying everyone away* It's too late for that, douchebag.

Goblin 2: We'll get you for this, Eagles.

Lord of the Eagles: Oh no you won't.

Gandalf: So, what was that about being dragged into this adventure?

Bilbo: Hanging from a bird's talon isn't exactly my idea of fun.

Lord of the Eagles: We could always drop you.

Bilbo: …this is fine.

*at Eagle's Eyrie*

Lord of the Eagles: You can rest here for the night.

Gandalf: Why thank you.

Lord of the Eagles: To be clear: we're not doing this because we like you, but because those goblins are asshole.

Thorin: Eh, whatever works.

Bilbo: You guys wouldn't have any food, would you?

Lord of the Eagles: Hold on, I ate a deer on the way here *starts to regurgitate it* Open wide, little one.

Bilbo: …I'm sorry I asked.