Chapter 7: Strange Shelter

Bilbo: We're already setting off?

Thorin: What, did you want to stay longer?

Bilbo: It just feels like we should have had a longer break than that, and maybe another longer break in about six chapters time?

Dwalin: This is the book version Mr. Baggins, we're ploughing right through.

Gandalf: Yep. Oh, also, I've gotta leave you soon.

Balin: You're ditching us again?

Gandalf: Yeah, I gotta deal with some guy in the south. Apparently, there are reports he got super-excited about some magic ring he made.

Bilbo: Magic ring?

Gandalf: But it's fine. I mean, no-one's even seen this particular ring in about five hundred years, so there's no way that it's all of a sudden just resurfaced. Isn't that right, Bilbo?

Bilbo: Oh…yeah, no, no way whatsoever. On an unrelated note, you wouldn't happen to know how long that Gollum guy could have been in those caves, do you?

Gandalf: Hmm…well, this Goblin-Town you just escaped from seemed like a relatively recent settlement, so presumably they were unaware of his presence in that cave. And the goblins have been making bases in this area for a few hundred years, so it's likely he's been there longer than them, so I'd say he's been there about five hundred years. Why do you ask?

Bilbo: …no reason…

Gandalf: Anyway, before I leave you, I shall get you to someone who can help us.

Thorin: I didn't realise there were people we could call allies here.

Gandalf: I never called him that.

Ori: That doesn't sound good.

Oin: Shut up Ori, we'll take what we can get at this point.

*as they were approaching their destination*

Fili: So, what can you tell us about this guy?

Gandalf: Well, he's an…interesting man…

Kili: …interesting how?

Gandalf: Well…he's very fond of his animals.

Gloin: That's not that interesting, plenty of people are fond of animals.

Gandalf: Yes, but Beorn has a…special bond, shall we say, with his animals.

Bofur: …oh no, don't tell me he…

Gandalf: That's right, he can transform into animals and talk to them.

Bombur: Oh…that's not so bad. I thought you were going to say…

Gandalf: Also, he's a Furry.

Nori: Son of a bitch.

Gandalf: Shh…there's his house *points out a house in the distance* Now, while he doesn't hate dwarves, he's also not overly fond of them, so what we're gonna do is…

Dori: Charge the house and force him to let us stay?

Gandalf: No, actually I was thinking…

Thorin: Excellent idea Dori. Ori, you go first and trigger any traps so the rest of us can survive the battle.

Ori: *sigh* Yes sir *charges at the house, followed soon by the rest of the dwarves*

Bilbo: This is going to go badly for them, isn't it?

Gandalf: Almost certainly.

Oin: Look, the door of the house is opening.

Thorin: No shit Oin. What's really concerning is that Ori is still alive.

Ori: Hey, I'm not complaining.

Dwalin: But rest of us are.

Thorin: Gentlemen, get ready to attack.

Beorn: *opening the door* The fuck's going on out here?

Thorin: NO MERCY MEN! *the dwarves attack Beorn*

Beorn: *casually knocking the dwarves to the ground* Seriously, what's going on?

Gandalf: Hello Beorn, we are looking for a place to stay.

Beorn: And you thought the best way to get one was to attack me? Also, who are you?

Gandalf: It's me, Gandalf.

Beorn: Never heard of ya.

Gandalf: Ah, but you would know my friend Radagast the Brown?

Beorn: You're friends with Radagast?

Gandalf: Indeed I am, and…

Beorn: That douchebag that keeps telling my animals that what I do to them isn't love, but abuse? That Radagast?

Gandalf: …we're more like acquaintances, actually.

Bilbo: This isn't going our way, is it?

Beorn: And who are you?

Bilbo: Bilbo Baggins, sir.

Beorn: And why are you even with these people? You're not a dwarf.

Bilbo: Honestly sir, I'm just with them to make them pay up. Before they left on this adventure, they had a party at my place, and…

Gloin: We told you, it's called a dworgy.

Beorn: What's a dworgy?

Nori: You heard him boys, let's demonstrate *starts taking off shirt*

Bilbo: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!

Beorn: No, wait, continue *rips off his clothes* I'll join you.

Bilbo: …good Lord, what have you dragged us into?

Gandalf: Hey, the original chapter is called Queer Lodgings, so why are you…

Bilbo: This book was written in the 30s, 'queer' just meant 'strange' back then.

Gandalf: BILBO! How dare you talk about the queer and/or questioning community in such an offensive manner?!

Bilbo: That's not what I…

Gandalf: Honestly, I never realised you were such a bigot.

Bilbo: I didn't…

Gandalf: Is that why you keep throwing faggots on the fire?

Bilbo: Okay, you know that's not what… *sees what Beorn and the dwarves are doing* Oh, COME ON GUYS!

Balin: That is what we're doing, yes.

*later*

Beorn: *putting his clothes back on* So, I never did find out why you were here.

Thorin: *also dressing* Oh, that's easy. We're on our way to Erebor.

Beorn: The mountain with the dragon in it?

Dori: That would be the one, yes.

Beorn: Eww, scalies.

Bombur: We're not gonna fuck the dragon.

Bofur: None of us even have a D20 to roll to seduce it.

Beorn: Good, because the only thing I hate more than scalies are goblins.

Fili: Oh, like the guys we just killed in the Misty Mountains?

Beorn: Say what?

Kili: Yeah, they ambushed us on the way through the mountains, so we killed a bunch of them. Fun times.

Bilbo: We have very different definitions of fun.

Beorn: Well, since you guys hate goblins as much as me, let me set you up with some supplies to get you through the Mirkwood.

Thorin: Thank you sir.

Beorn: Just one piece of advice: stay on the path.

Oin: Unless we're hunting game or collecting food, right?

Beorn: No, seriously, stay on the path.

Gloin: Surely when we're collecting water we can leave it to.

Beorn: Guys, I'm warning you…

Dwalin: Also if we need to take a shit…

Beorn: You know what? Good luck, you're going to need it.

Gandalf: Also, I'm outta here.

Bilbo: …we're going to fucking die.