Bilbo: We're already setting off?
Thorin: What, did you want to stay longer?
Bilbo: It just feels like we should have had a longer break than that, and maybe another longer break in about six chapters time?
Dwalin: This is the book version Mr. Baggins, we're ploughing right through.
Gandalf: Yep. Oh, also, I've gotta leave you soon.
Balin: You're ditching us again?
Gandalf: Yeah, I gotta deal with some guy in the south. Apparently, there are reports he got super-excited about some magic ring he made.
Bilbo: Magic ring?
Gandalf: But it's fine. I mean, no-one's even seen this particular ring in about five hundred years, so there's no way that it's all of a sudden just resurfaced. Isn't that right, Bilbo?
Bilbo: Oh…yeah, no, no way whatsoever. On an unrelated note, you wouldn't happen to know how long that Gollum guy could have been in those caves, do you?
Gandalf: Hmm…well, this Goblin-Town you just escaped from seemed like a relatively recent settlement, so presumably they were unaware of his presence in that cave. And the goblins have been making bases in this area for a few hundred years, so it's likely he's been there longer than them, so I'd say he's been there about five hundred years. Why do you ask?
Bilbo: …no reason…
Gandalf: Anyway, before I leave you, I shall get you to someone who can help us.
Thorin: I didn't realise there were people we could call allies here.
Gandalf: I never called him that.
Ori: That doesn't sound good.
Oin: Shut up Ori, we'll take what we can get at this point.
*as they were approaching their destination*
Fili: So, what can you tell us about this guy?
Gandalf: Well, he's an…interesting man…
Kili: …interesting how?
Gandalf: Well…he's very fond of his animals.
Gloin: That's not that interesting, plenty of people are fond of animals.
Gandalf: Yes, but Beorn has a…special bond, shall we say, with his animals.
Bofur: …oh no, don't tell me he…
Gandalf: That's right, he can transform into animals and talk to them.
Bombur: Oh…that's not so bad. I thought you were going to say…
Gandalf: Also, he's a Furry.
Nori: Son of a bitch.
Gandalf: Shh…there's his house *points out a house in the distance* Now, while he doesn't hate dwarves, he's also not overly fond of them, so what we're gonna do is…
Dori: Charge the house and force him to let us stay?
Gandalf: No, actually I was thinking…
Thorin: Excellent idea Dori. Ori, you go first and trigger any traps so the rest of us can survive the battle.
Ori: *sigh* Yes sir *charges at the house, followed soon by the rest of the dwarves*
Bilbo: This is going to go badly for them, isn't it?
Gandalf: Almost certainly.
Oin: Look, the door of the house is opening.
Thorin: No shit Oin. What's really concerning is that Ori is still alive.
Ori: Hey, I'm not complaining.
Dwalin: But rest of us are.
Thorin: Gentlemen, get ready to attack.
Beorn: *opening the door* The fuck's going on out here?
Thorin: NO MERCY MEN! *the dwarves attack Beorn*
Beorn: *casually knocking the dwarves to the ground* Seriously, what's going on?
Gandalf: Hello Beorn, we are looking for a place to stay.
Beorn: And you thought the best way to get one was to attack me? Also, who are you?
Gandalf: It's me, Gandalf.
Beorn: Never heard of ya.
Gandalf: Ah, but you would know my friend Radagast the Brown?
Beorn: You're friends with Radagast?
Gandalf: Indeed I am, and…
Beorn: That douchebag that keeps telling my animals that what I do to them isn't love, but abuse? That Radagast?
Gandalf: …we're more like acquaintances, actually.
Bilbo: This isn't going our way, is it?
Beorn: And who are you?
Bilbo: Bilbo Baggins, sir.
Beorn: And why are you even with these people? You're not a dwarf.
Bilbo: Honestly sir, I'm just with them to make them pay up. Before they left on this adventure, they had a party at my place, and…
Gloin: We told you, it's called a dworgy.
Beorn: What's a dworgy?
Nori: You heard him boys, let's demonstrate *starts taking off shirt*
Bilbo: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!
Beorn: No, wait, continue *rips off his clothes* I'll join you.
Bilbo: …good Lord, what have you dragged us into?
Gandalf: Hey, the original chapter is called Queer Lodgings, so why are you…
Bilbo: This book was written in the 30s, 'queer' just meant 'strange' back then.
Gandalf: BILBO! How dare you talk about the queer and/or questioning community in such an offensive manner?!
Bilbo: That's not what I…
Gandalf: Honestly, I never realised you were such a bigot.
Bilbo: I didn't…
Gandalf: Is that why you keep throwing faggots on the fire?
Bilbo: Okay, you know that's not what… *sees what Beorn and the dwarves are doing* Oh, COME ON GUYS!
Balin: That is what we're doing, yes.
*later*
Beorn: *putting his clothes back on* So, I never did find out why you were here.
Thorin: *also dressing* Oh, that's easy. We're on our way to Erebor.
Beorn: The mountain with the dragon in it?
Dori: That would be the one, yes.
Beorn: Eww, scalies.
Bombur: We're not gonna fuck the dragon.
Bofur: None of us even have a D20 to roll to seduce it.
Beorn: Good, because the only thing I hate more than scalies are goblins.
Fili: Oh, like the guys we just killed in the Misty Mountains?
Beorn: Say what?
Kili: Yeah, they ambushed us on the way through the mountains, so we killed a bunch of them. Fun times.
Bilbo: We have very different definitions of fun.
Beorn: Well, since you guys hate goblins as much as me, let me set you up with some supplies to get you through the Mirkwood.
Thorin: Thank you sir.
Beorn: Just one piece of advice: stay on the path.
Oin: Unless we're hunting game or collecting food, right?
Beorn: No, seriously, stay on the path.
Gloin: Surely when we're collecting water we can leave it to.
Beorn: Guys, I'm warning you…
Dwalin: Also if we need to take a shit…
Beorn: You know what? Good luck, you're going to need it.
Gandalf: Also, I'm outta here.
Bilbo: …we're going to fucking die.
