Dave: You know what Keith?
Keith: What Dave?
Dave: I feel like a lot of the barrels are a lot lower in the water than normal.
Keith: Is that a problem?
Dave: Well, normally barrels float, so the fact that they're not implies that there's something in them.
Keith: Maybe the elves have decided to send us free stuff this time?
Dave: Have you ever known elves to give out free stuff? They're cheapskates.
?: HEY!
Dave: Eugene, you can't keep getting offended every time we talk shit about the elves.
Eugene: I'm an elf, you idiot.
Keith: Correction: you're a half-elf.
Eugene: Still, it makes elves my heritage.
Dave: You also have human heritage, but you never talk about that.
Eugene: Yeah, because humans aren't a minority race.
Keith: Oh, don't try to claim that unprivileged bullshit. Elves have so many advantages over humans like the whole immortality thing and enhanced senses that they don't get to complain.
Eugene: Is that why you justify discrimination against my people?
Keith: You mean humans?
Dave: BOOM! Got him.
Eugene: …you guys suck.
Dave: Whatever, we're here now. Who wants to get drunk?
Keith: *disembarking* Great idea. And Eugene can pay.
Eugene: *following Keith* Why me?
Dave: *following the others* Hey, you wanted equality, didn't you?
Eugene: I'm paid 10% less than you.
Keith: And whose fault is that?
Eugene: Your people's fault.
Keith: You mean elves?
Dave: BOOM! Got him again.
Eugene: *sighs* You guys suck *follows them into the bar*
Bilbo: *taking off the ring* Finally, they leave *starts knocking on the barrels* Okay, who's not dead? Sound off.
Dwarves: *groans of discomfort*
Bilbo: *opening a barrel* Wow, sounds like all of you are alive.
Thorin: *helping open barrels* Even Ori, somehow.
Ori: I was upside down the whole way.
Bilbo: Well, I guess the next thing we need to do is…
Kili: Fight the people of the town to get all the supplies we need?
Bilbo: What?
Thorin: Excellent idea, Kili.
Bilbo: Guys, I really think…
Thorin: Weapons at the ready gentlemen.
Fili: But they took our weapons back in Mirkwood.
Thorin: A fistfight then? That'll even the odds for them.
Bilbo: I'm pretty sure the humans significantly outnumber you.
Dwalin: Probably not by that much.
Bilbo: There was a sign saying "Population: 300" on the way into town, so they have over twenty for each one of you.
Thorin: You hear that, men? All you have to do is beat up twenty of them, then you can relax.
Bilbo: WILL YOU THINK ABOUT THIS FOR MORE THAN A MINUTE?! *the dwarves stop* Look, you've just been in prison for the past few weeks, followed by a long stint in a barrel floating down an icy river. You have no weapons, you're in foreign, possibly hostile territory, and yet you think you're in any condition to fight twenty people AT THE SAME TIME?!
Gloin: Well, when you put it like that…
Thorin: Well, what else are we supposed to do? All we know is fighting and dworgies, and I'm not sure the latter is going to win people over.
Bilbo: Have you tried peaceful negotiations?
Bofur: Bor-ing.
Balin: Possibly effective though.
Bofur: DON'T TAKE HIS SIDE!
Thorin: Alright, we'll try these "peaceful negotiations" as you call them. But if they fail, we resort to Plan B.
Bilbo: Plan B being…
Thorin: Kicking the crap out of everyone until we get our way.
Bilbo: *sigh* Of course it is.
*at the bar*
Dave: Like seriously, who just lets an elf have their way with them?
Eugene: Look, mum said he was really charming…
Keith: And you don't think it's possible he just…you know…forced himself on…
Eugene: DUDE! Not cool.
Keith: Just saying, you've never met the man…
Eugene: That could be for any number of…
Thorin: *kicking the door of the bar open* WHAT'S UP BITCHES! We're here to either kick ass or peacefully negotiate.
Bilbo: Other way around.
Thorin: Did I fucking stutter?
Eugene: What the hell? Dwarves?
Dave: Somebody better get the mayor.
Eugene: *suddenly has an idea* I'll…uh…do it *slips away*
Dave: Finally, he's useful for something.
Thorin: So, who here has negotiating power?
Keith: Well, no-one here…
Thorin: Excellent, no-one of importance. Everyone start kicking names and taking ass.
Dwarves: Yes sir.
Bilbo: I think that's the wrong way around too.
Thorin: I know what I said.
Mayor: *bursting into the bar* What the hell is going on in here?
Thorin: Are you in charge here?
Mayor: Damn right I am.
Thorin: Okay boys, you can stop now.
Oin: Aww… *puts down a guy whose name he'd kicked*
Bombur: I know, right? *puts down guy who ass he took*
Mayor: So, would you mind telling me what's going on?
Thorin: I am Thorin, rightful King Under the Mountain, and I'm on my way to reclaim my birthright.
Mayor: You mean the mountain where that bloody dragon's been living?
Thorin: That's the one, yes.
Mayor: In that case, what do you need?
Dave: Sir, are we really going to fund these people?
Mayor: Think of it this way: either they kill the dragon and make it not a problem for us anymore, or they die and are not a problem for us anymore. There is literally no downside to helping these people whatsoever.
Keith: What if the dragon finds out we helped them and attacks us?
Mayor: Pfft, like that's going to happen.
Dave: Well, I guess that…hey, where's Eugene?
*meanwhile, back in Mirkwood*
Thranduil: So that's where they went. I thank you for this information, freak.
Eugene: Oh, COME ON! I'm one of you people.
Thranduil: No, you're a filthy half-breed. I thank you for your service, but now go back to the other humans.
Eugene: …fuck everyone.
