Late January, 1999
Angel allowed himself to get lost in the kiss, her hands in his hair and his arms snaking around her like a vise. He allowed it because it might be the last time he ever kissed Buffy (her being a vampire be damned at the moment), after all. It was very reminiscent of the kiss they'd shared after his soul had been restored last May. It felt saddening. It felt desperate. It felt like goodbye. The thought brought tears to his eyes, and unabashedly he let them fall. His heart that did not beat was breaking.
Buffy pulled away from him when she must've felt the wetness on his cheeks. "Shh, shh, there's no need to cry, it'll be alright," she cooed softly, caressing his cheek, sounding so much like her living, ensouled self that it only made him cry that much more. Angel knew there was no escaping this, no possibility of restoring her soul. He wanted her, oh, how he wanted her! vampire or not. And he was out of options, and he knew it. He had to admit defeat. It was either take comfort in her or die. He knew making love to Buffy again would cost him his soul and yet there was a part of him that just didn't care.
Angel gripped Buffy's upper arms, but instead of trying to push her away he just pulled her closer, immediately granting her tongue entrance when she let the tip run along his bottom lip. Angel had been with countless women in his 240 years walking the Earth, women of all levels of experience, and yet it was Buffy, with her shy and inexperienced innocence that made him come undone. It was as if he was a green lad back in Ireland when he'd been a human adolescent (the term 'teenager' would not emerge for another 200 years).
Tightening his hold around her, Angel stood, Buffy's legs wrapping around his waist, their kisses becoming deeper, more frantic. Like he was being led by a string, Angel walked toward the bed - the bed that had been made up to look exactly like it had been on the night Angel had taken Buffy's virginity a year ago. It was rather poetic, in a cruel sort of way, in his opinion. Even Angelus, who was closer to the surface than he'd been since Christmas, agreed. Her demon had learned quite well from his own in the arts of cruelty. The possibilities were truly endless.
Clothes were shed along the way, and they were bare skin to bare skin when he laid Buffy on her back on the bed. He hovered above her, their gazes locked together. All Angel could see in her eyes was love, even as a demon; there was no malice, no cruel amusement - just love. It was at that exact moment that Angel decided that he didn't care if they had their souls or not; didn't care that he would become a murderer again. All he knew was that he wanted to spend eternity with Buffy. He didn't care in what capacity anymore. He just wanted her. Period.
After the spirits of Grace Newman and James Stanley possessed Angelus and Buffy, reenacting their tragic romance and deaths, his demon had come to realize that the soul, lost or otherwise, didn't matter, he was still in love with her. He had warred within himself between denying his feelings, insisting he wanted her dead, and wanting to turn her so he could have her at his side forever. And that is why Angelus couldn't forgive her. Buffy Summers, a sixteen-year-old girl, and a Vampire Slayer to boot, inspired a love so deep that even his soulless monster would pledge his loyalty and faithfulness to her. Fidelity was a courtesy he had granted to no woman, not even Darla - his sire, neither in his human days nor after his conversion to the Undead. How was a vampire (not a cursed one) who had only ever been fully invested in himself meant to reconcile that with his evil nature?
Vampires weren't supposed to care about that stuff anymore. Angelus and Darla hadn't understood the love and loyalty James and Elizabeth and then Spike and Drusilla had shared for each other. Angelus had thought the two couples had defied the natural order of their evil lives. Sure, Drusilla had strayed from Spike a few times over their decades together, but it was only with Angelus; her insanity caused her to not want to disappoint her sire, her 'Daddy.' (It had always secretly bothered him a little that she'd called him that.) Oddly enough, although Darla was his sire, Angelus had never felt that deep of a connection to her based on 'love,' never offering her his fidelity, nor his protection if it came down to him or her when facing a potentially fatal situation, especially during the years Holtz had hunted them. The bond they had shared had not been like the anomalous relationships of Spike and Drusilla and James and Elisabeth.
Angelus had known it would be an entirely different story if Buffy was somehow turned. That acknowledgment had shaken him to his malevolent core. He hadn't known what to do about it, so the solution had been to simply suck the world into Hell so he wouldn't have to deal with any of it anymore. (Impulsive and ridiculous, right?) Well, Buffy was now a vampire, and he was ready to once again be a murderous fiend in love with his soul and apparently soulless mate. Wasn't life strange?
The first time his soul had been lost, it had been while Liam lay dead beneath the earth as he transformed into a vampire over 200 hundred years ago. The second time, a year ago, Angel had felt like something had literally been ripped from his chest, despite the fact that a soul was not exactly a tangible object. It could be summoned and trapped, yes, but it existed in the ether of the astral plane, not an easily accessible location. On this night, it would be the third and final time the soul would be released from this particular body. And this time, the transition was smooth, unnoticeable. One moment he was Angel, lost in the ecstasy found as he was buried within the body of his lover, the next, he was Angelus, no longer burdened by the conscience and remorse stemming from a soul.
Angelus grinned as he realized he was well and truly back. His grip on Buffy tightened to the point of pain, only enhancing her pleasure as well as his at hearing her pained gasp. (It surely would not be a surprise that he was a bit of a sadist when it came to sexual encounters, enjoying inflicting pain of the emotional as well as physical variety on his partners.) He was delighted when she tightened her legs around his waist that his circulation would've been cut off if he were still a human. It seemed that Buffy as a vampire would welcome the darker aspects of sex. Angelus positively relished all the possibilities now open to them.
The urge to bite Buffy and finally taste her blood had plagued Angelus for the better part of 6 months when he'd last been out to play. To his eternal chagrin he had not achieved that particular pleasure. The opportunity was now before him, and he did not intend to waste it, especially since Buffy seemed to issue an invitation to do so, if her baring her neck to him was any indication. Angelus transformed into his true face and sunk his teeth into her exposed neck.
Buffy moaned as Angel (he would always be 'Angel' to her, soul or no soul) sunk his teeth into her neck. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. She assumed it was when only paired with sex because it sure as hell hadn't felt like this when the Master had bitten her. Then again, it could have been because she wasn't in love with him, and that his goal had been to kill her. Angelus was only engaging in an act that served only to heighten the pleasure found in sex.
One might wonder how Buffy knew that it was now Angelus who hovered over her instead of Angel without looking into his eyes and seeing the absence of the soul, or that Angel had also given no overt indicator whatsoever that he no longer possessed a soul. She knew that Angel had let go of the reins holding back Angelus when his grip tightened. Angel was as gentle as Angelus was brutal, and those differences applied to carnal encounters. Angel never would've bitten her, either. If need be, she could order, beg, threaten him with bodily harm, or actually beat him, and he still would not bite her, even if it was needed to save his life. Not unless he was forced. Thankfully this bite was only about pleasure. And boy, oh boy, did it ever deliver!
After mutual pleasure was found, Angelus flopped onto his side next to Buffy. They both just laid there, eyes closed and basking in their la petite mort. Buffy had been able to enjoy her second time more because the nerves of being a virgin were absent and the feeling of having lost Angel and the world might end thanks to Crazy Pants (a.k.a. Drusilla) with The Judge's reassembly was also gone. She grinned, thinking about the new wide world of physical love, and wondering what Angelus would be able to show her.
Angelus ran a finger softly down her cheek, and said, "What are you thinking about that's responsible for such a smile on your pretty face, Buff?" His tone was husky, only a slight edge in it that she remembered hearing often during her confrontations with Angelus.
Why was Angelus being so Angel-like with the gentle touches and compliments? she wondered. Buffy opened her eyes to find that Angelus' milk chocolate orbs were intently focused on her. She could totally get lost in those eyes, she thought dreamily.
"Angelus," she said, smiling.
"Angel," he replied, brushing some hair behind her ear.
Buffy's brow furrowed. "You don't want to reclaim your identity. You want to not be Angelus, 'the one with the angelic face,' and the Scourge of Europe anymore?"
He shook his head. "It's not that. I just wanna modernize myself a little more. Besides, you kept calling me Angel last year, and so did Spike and Drusilla, so might as well keep with the trend." He shrugged one shoulder. "Plus, it'll help when we're around the Scooby Gang so you don't accidentally make a slip of the tongue and expose us."
"Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, then…Angel," Buffy said, smiling at her vampire lover.
"So, my question?" Angel asked.
"Oh, right. Well, uh, I was thinking about soaking in your big bathtub with you and with lots and lots of bubbles." She looked away from him as she told her fib.
Angel growled and grabbed her chin to force her to look at him. "Don't ever lie to me. I'm not your whipped boy toy anymore, so don't treat me like I am. Got it?"
His voice was low, and gravely, dangerous, deadly. Buffy loved it. It made her shiver with delightful anticipation. "Got it," she said, nodding.
"Good." He let go of her chin. "Well?"
If Buffy could still blush her face would be bright red just then. "I was thinking about what your 240 years worth of sexy times would be like to explore. Like, have you tried all the positions in the Kama Sutra? Are there any yoga poses that will come in handy? Should we visit an adult toy store to see if anything looks appealing, something other than manacles and chains?"
Angel's eyes widened at her confession, clearly not expecting her to be putting that much thought into their very new sex life. He then hummed in thought. "Yoga practically is the Kama Sutra, so yeah, we'll definitely be exploring that. I suppose it can't hurt to visit one of those adult stores. I've, and so was my ensouled counterpart, been curious just how far debauchery has progressed in this last century. My cursed self wasn't able to fully appreciate the rise of adult entertainment, so that's definitely uncharted territory for me."
"That makes two of us, then. I never really thought I'd get to have that whole exploring my sexuality after my 17th birthday." Buffy averted her eyes, looking over Angel's shoulder rather than looking into his eyes. She was sure he would see her vulnerability. Vampires were evil; they shouldn't expose a weakness like that.
"Why?" Angel asked.
Buffy cleared her throat, feeling her new self-assured confidence waver for the first time since she'd risen from the dead. "Well, when I woke up alone, and didn't know where you were or why you left or why I couldn't find you for so long, and then what you said after I found you here…it was cruel, and a bit traumatizing. Not exactly a boost to my confidence with how much I needed to learn about men." She refocused on him, and smirked, trying to hide the hurt that was still deep in her unbeating heart.
She was truly surprised at how much of what Buffy had felt as a human had transferred to her evil self. Some things were gone; like the urge to protect people, the guilt over how much she wanted to be normal, the drive to not disappoint her mom, friends, and her Watcher. Now, there was the need to feed, the typical "I want to terrorize people before I eat them" urge, and the desire to settle scores she never would've dreamed of tackling in life in the effort to keep as much peace as possible between her friends and family.
Angel swore under his breath. He looked up and there was genuine contrition in his eyes. His reaction truly baffled her. Buffy was sure he would just brush off her confession with a slightly less cruel quip and want to move on. She never would've expected an apology, but an apology was what she got.
"Look," he said, only a bit brusque. "It wasn't just the soul who fell in love with you, Buffy. Love wasn't a part of my vocabulary, human or vampire. The one person my human self loved unconditionally and completely was his little sister, Kathy." Angel sat up, and ran a hand through his hair, mussing it further. "I remembered feeling that love, and yet I killed her anyway. She was convinced I was her brother returned to her an angel; it wasn't hard to get her to invite me inside."
Buffy was wholly invested in listening to Angel recount his memories. Angel didn't talk about his past like this a lot, especially not about his human family.
Angel sighed, then made eye contact again. "Not having a soul or a conscience doesn't mean that vampires don't feel other emotions. We do, they can be muted, or easily ignored or changed, but we do feel. Love was by far the rarest emotion among vampires in my experience. And it wasn't something I'd feel again for over two centuries. I never thought I'd experience it without my soul, and I didn't even know it when I did for a long time."
Buffy was sure she understood. "You lashed out at me because you didn't know how to cope with what you were feeling." She didn't phrase it as a question. She just knew. This confession was all that human Buffy had wanted to hear a year ago. It was still a balm to the deep crevices in her heart Angelus' words had caused, finally mending them.
"Yeah. And I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that." He looked away.
Angel laughed before she could say anything. For a moment she was afraid that his apology really was a joke as she'd expected. It certainly had that malicious flair he'd liked to employ, and she'd become accustomed to and very intimate with it the year before.
With a vicious turnaround of her own, Buffy threw the covers from her body, intending to get up so she could grab a piece of the broken chair to shove through Angel's chest. (There was that impulsive reaction Angel-with-a-soul mentioned earlier.) She was about to swing her legs around so she could stand when she found herself flat on her back, pinned beneath Angel, his hands gripping her wrists above her head, pressing them into the mattress, hard. She growled at him threateningly; Angel paid no mind to it.
"I didn't laugh because I was taunting you," Angel said, correctly guessing the source of her sudden anger.
"Then why?" she spat at him. Buffy was completely unaware that her face had morphed into her demon in reaction to her visceral anger.
"Because being one of the cruelest vampires in the history of vampires, the thought of Angelus, a vampire who regarded torturing his victims emotionally the highest form of art, apologizing to a fledgling for hurting her feelings is unfathomable." Angel frowned down at her. "There's just something about you. You're under my skin, Buff. I couldn't exorcise you from my dead heart a year ago, and now I don't even want to try. A hundred years ago I would've cut my own tongue out before saying I'd go to the depths of Hell for you and actually mean it, but I would and I do."
Buffy's own dead heart gave a metaphorical throb of love at Angel's confession. Either he was much better at playing the long game of emotional torture than she ever could've realized, or he was telling the truth. She looked into his eyes, searching deeply for any hidden hints that he was lying. To her immense relief she saw only truthfulness.
It was Angel who made the first move this time, his lips crashing onto hers almost painfully. She could taste blood from where the inside of her lips got nicked on her sharp teeth in several places. It was delicious mixing with his taste as he worked her mouth open, tangling their tongues. Buffy took control and rolled them so that she was on top.
Apparently Angelus didn't mind being submissive every once in a while.
Buffy was curled into Angel's side, tracing indistinct patterns onto his chest with the pad of her index finger. His eyes were closed but he wasn't sleeping. He was just enjoying the quiet with her. The contentment he currently felt had only ever occurred one other time in his entire existence, and it had cost him his soul. That was a non-issue this time as he'd already lost it. Willingly and happily, he might add. It was only her, the just barely-a-woman Vampire Slayer, to whom Angelus would choose to submit to.
Best decision I've ever made. Well, the best decision after not thinking that following the 'fine lady' all alone in a dark alley in 1753 would be a bad idea and not considering she wouldn't have nefarious intentions when offering to show him - a complete stranger - the world, he thought wryly. If there was ever a moment in his life as a human that would've had an electric neon sign blinking "DANGER" above it like some ridiculous animation, it would've been this one! He couldn't complain, not really. Darla had certainly given him a century's worth of showing him the world and 'interesting' and 'frightening' experiences just as she had promised.
"What was your idea?" Angel asked, breaking the silence.
"Hmm?" Buffy hummed.
Angel shifted a little so they could make eye contact. "You said you'd been thinking, but our conversation derailed a little and then we were occupied with… other things."
Comprehension lit up her face. "Right. I've been a vampire for only a few days now, so it's not like I've had time to build a reputation to counter my slaying of demons and all things evil these last few years. My track record of averting the apocalypse doesn't do me any favors, either." Angel huffed in amusement, because yeah, her efforts to save the world multiple times doesn't make her too popular in the evil community. "I know yours is pretty impressive, but I think we need a figurehead to rally minions around. Someone with an indisputably evil reputation, and can inspire fear and loyalty. But we are not going to end the world."
"Okay, then what is our goal? Just feeding and killing gets boring fast," he said.
"Conquest."
Angel frowned at her. "Conquest?" he questioned, confused. "I thought you said world domination was too ambitious."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "I'm not suggesting we conquer the world. We can start with the western seaboard and then maybe go from there."
Angel took a minute to mull over her idea. Buffy's suggestion sounded doable; it made sense to start small, establish the cadre for their cause, then expand. What was that saying? Slow and steady wins the race?
He nodded. "Who did you have in mind to be the mascot of this endeavor?"
A Cheshire grin slowly spread over Buffy's face. "The Master."
-3x10 "Amends"
Angel: It [the First Evil] told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again,
Buffy: I know what it told you. What does it matter?
Angel: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly. I wanna take comfort in you and I know it'll cost me my soul and a part of me doesn't care.
The part of Angel that didn't care about losing his soul finally won.
-2x19 "I Only Have Eyes for You" The spirits of Sunnydale High's 1955 teacher Grace Newman and student James Stanley possess Buffy (James) and Angelus (Grace) to right the wrongs of the past during their forbidden romance and they can finally find peace for their souls. 'James' shoots 'Grace' then goes to the Music Room to commit suicide, just like they've been reliving from events in 1955. Angelus, being a vampire, can't be killed by a gunshot wound and so 'Grace' goes off to find 'James' before he can shoot himself in the head, which would, of course, kill Buffy. Forgiveness is given and kisses are shared between the spirits, which Buffy and Angelus continue even after Grace and James find peace and move on. Of course, it freaks Angelus out, so he has to commit a fresh murder and soon thinks it's a good idea to end the world if it'll make him forget about his feelings for Buffy. He and Angel both could be such drama queens at times lol
-Angel: the Series 3x1 "Heartthrob" Angelus sired a human named James, who in turn sired his love, Elisabeth, in 1767 in France. The new vampire couple shared a loving relationship that baffled and disgusted Angelus and Darla, neither of them understanding how they were so devoted to each other. Angelus didn't understand it until meeting Buffy and had the memories of what it felt like to love and be loved like that. He didn't know how to cope with the realization.
-Angel: the Series 1x15 "The Prodigal" is the episode to reveal Angel's human name is Liam. A last name is never given, however.
-Angel: the Series 3x9 "Lullaby" Angelus and Darla are on the run from a human vampire hunter named Daniel Holtz in the 1700s. The two vampires show that they will throw each other under the bus to save their own skin
-4x16 "Who Are You?" Tara acts as Willow's anchor to the physical world as she navigates the astral plane, searching for Buffy's soul, a smoke-like substance after realizing Faith is in Buffy's body, and it must be trapped in a crystal to switch them back. We also see the soul summoned to an Orb of Thesulah in 2x22 "Becoming: Part 1" and also trapped in a glass jar called a Muo-Ping in Angel: the Series 4x10 "Awakening"
-2x13 "Surprise" Angel gasps in pain when he loses his soul.
-3x21 "Graduation Day: Part 1" Faith poisoned Angel with a laced arrow. The Latin translation of the poison is "killer of the dead" and the only cure is the blood of a Vampire Slayer. 3x22 Buffy does everything to get Angel to feed from her to cure himself after she fails to get Faith's blood, but he won't even though he's weak and delirious and really close to dying. She finally punches him a few times to bring his demon to the surface and he finally bites her
-La petite mort ("the little death") is an expression that means "the brief loss or weakening of consciousness" and in modern usage refers specifically to "the sensation of post orgasm as likened to death." It's French, and the t in mort is silent, so it sounds like 'more'
-2x14 "Innocence"
Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.
Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
Buffy: What?
Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
-2x21 "Becoming: Part 1" We see the run up to Darla siring Angelus. She offers to show a drunk Liam the world. He says it sounds interesting and she responds with frightening, too, then bites him
-The Cheshire Cat is a fictional cat popularized by Lewis Carroll in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and known for its distinctive mischievous grin
I know that this version of Angelus is more loving than his past showed would ever be possible from him, but my story has to have this new facet to his evil personality. The love he felt for and shared with Buffy fundamentally changed both the soul of the man and the demon. Spike is the perfect example of this, too. Even without a soul he loved Buffy so much he literally chose to be ensouled so he could prove he was worthy of her love in return. This is my story, so please don't bitch about how Angelus would never have changed this much. If you don't like it, don't read it!
