"What the hell is this?"
"It looks like tar."
"Smells like burnt asphalt."
"It's even sticky like asphalt. How did this happen?"
Troy glanced over at Tully and Moffitt as they examined his latest attempt at making tea. They were both utterly disgusted. "So, I take it I failed again?" Troy asked.
"You didn't just fail, Sarge, you reached a whole new level of failure," Tully said. He held out the mug. "What did you do?"
"I followed Moffitt's instructions to the letter."
Moffitt sighed. "This is ridiculous. How can anyone be this bad at making tea?"
"Where's Anah? There's no way Sarge ain't cursed," Tully said.
"I already asked her," Troy replied. "She said I'm not cursed."
"She's asleep with Dietrich in the sitting room." Moffitt gestured to the doorway.
Tully went out to the sitting room, finding the cobra asleep on Dietrich's chest. He picked up Anah, prompting her to spread her hood and hiss, startling Dietrich awake.
"What is your problem?" Dietrich snarled, glaring up at Tully.
"Sorry about that, Dietrich, but we got a serious problem here." Tully showed him the cup of tar-tea.
Dietrich groaned. "Troy's inability to make tea is not a serious problem! It is something we have been familiar with for thirteen years!"
"I'm still convinced Sarge is cursed."
Anah was quiet. Her hood had retracted and she was studying the cup. A guilty look came over her face. "Alright, I lied. Troy… is cursed."
Tully gave her a dirty look. "Why?"
"Why is Troy cursed, or why did I lie?"
"Both."
"I lied because the curse is not exactly a serious one—"
"It is to everyone who likes a good cup of tea," Moffitt said from the doorway.
"—and this was just before the prophecy's fulfilment, so I doubted you wanted something else on your minds."
"Oh, well, that's just great," Troy said, having now joined them. "So, tell us, Anah, how did I get cursed?"
"Do you remember the abandoned house we sheltered in a few nights after the Normandy landings?"
"The witch's house?"
"Yes. I did not sense any dangerous curses, but there was something odd about the teapot you picked up. I could not quite figure out what it was until after we left. It seems to be a bit of a playful, unorthodox curse—whoever touches the teapot will be unable to make a proper cup of tea."
"How do we break the curse, then?" Moffitt asked.
Anah thought for a moment. "Curses are usually quite complicated. This one is a bit different, and I may have a solution."
"Please tell me it doesn't involve me drinking any potions," Troy muttered.
"It does not, but it may cause great pain—"
"Then no."
"—to Moffitt."
Troy turned to Moffitt, then back to Anah. "To Moffitt?"
"Yes. My idea is for you to attempt to make a cup of tea, but do everything wrong on purpose."
"What makes you think this'll break the curse?"
"I believe I see what Anah's idea is," Moffitt said. "You mess up a cup of tea so spectacularly that the curse overcorrects, breaking itself in the process."
"That is precisely the idea," Anah replied with a grin.
"In that case, I will…" Moffitt sighed, "offer up a tea bag as a sacrifice for the greater good."
"Are you going to hold a funeral for it?" Dietrich asked.
"We didn't bring anything for a 21-gun salute," Tully added.
"Very funny," Moffitt muttered. "Anah, do you think this will work best with a really good tea, just to make the messing up that much worse?"
"I was going to suggest that, dear," Anah said.
"Fine." Moffitt went out to the kitchen, and returned a minute later holding a solitary tea bag. "This is my English breakfast tea. It means a lot to me. This is how I get my day going, and I am giving it to you, Troy, to mutilate to your heart's content."
The five went out to the kitchen, where the first thing Troy did was drop the tea in a cup and fill the cup with sink water. As he was filling the cup, the front door opened, and Hitch and Jules walked in.
"No!" Moffitt said. "Take Jules back outside! He mustn't witness this atrocity!"
Hitch gave Moffitt a confused look. "What're you talking about?"
"Just—shield his eyes!"
"Dad, you're weird," Jules said. "What's Mr. Troy doing?"
"Committing a very ugly sin."
Dietrich sighed. "He is making a bad cup of tea on purpose."
"I thought he always made really bad tea," Jules said.
"Well, we are hoping this will prevent him from making bad tea in the future."
"How?"
"He is cursed, dear." Anah looked down at Jules from Moffitt's shoulder.
"I thought you said curses were really bad, Miss Anah."
"Not all of them, apparently. This one seems more like a prank of sorts."
"So, that's why Mr. Troy can't make tea?"
"Exactly."
Troy set the cup on the table. "How long will this take to steep?"
"Given that you used cold water, probably never." Moffitt grimaced.
"Well, then, I doubt this helps." Troy took a jug of milk out of the fridge, and poured a rather generous amount into the cup, resulting in it nearly overflowing.
Moffitt grimaced again. "Ugh, I can't watch anymore!"
Dietrich's eyes widened when Troy took a container of brown sugar from the cabinet. "Oh, clever touch."
"Brown sugar doesn't go in tea!" Jules said.
"That is the point."
"You're ruining my son, Troy!" Moffitt cried.
Troy scooped out a tablespoonful of brown sugar, and dropped it into the nasty little blend of milk, water, and tea. The liquid spilled over the edges of the cup.
"This is wrong on so many levels," Tully said.
"That's not even tea," Hitch added. He gave Anah a horrified look. "None of us have to drink it, do we?"
"I actually do not know," Anah replied.
Hitch's expression became even more horrified. Tully, whose expressions were typically quite reserved, looked appalled at the notion that someone could have to drink the abomination on the table.
Troy wasn't even going to bother stirring it. Instead, he grabbed a jar of honey from the cabinet, and added a rather sloppy spoonful to the cup of milky tea-water, causing more of it to slosh over the sides of the cup. He put the honey back, and gestured to his creation. "There. How's that for a cup of tea?"
Moffitt stared at the cup, containing his shock and horror. "The fact that this was made on British soil should be grounds for war. I… cannot believe that you had the capacity to even think of doing such a thing to a perfectly good tea. You're an evil man, Troy."
"I think 'evil' might be a bit too strong a word, but that is absolutely hideous," Dietrich said.
"It's not even tea," Tully said.
"I don't even think it's drinkable," Hitch added.
Anah studied Troy's masterpiece for a moment. "Nothing has happened. I think someone will have to drink it. Any volunteers?"
"I'm a civilized Englishman. I won't drink that, even if someone forced it down my throat," Moffitt said.
"We have kids," Tully replied, motioning to himself and Hitch.
"I have a baby on the way," Dietrich said. "I will not leave them fatherless."
"I'll drink it!" Jules raised his hand.
"Absolutely not!" Moffitt growled.
Out of options, everyone turned to Troy.
"It is your creation, after all," Anah said.
"Fine." Troy picked up the mug.
"Shouldn't you call Shauna and tell her you love her first?" Tully asked.
"I don't think this is going to kill me."
Moffitt covered his eyes and Jules's as Troy drank the "tea." Dietrich was wincing, Tully didn't look sure how to respond, and Hitch was staring in horror.
Even Anah looked surprised, but her surprised quickly faded when Troy gagged. He set the mug down and made a mad dash for the bathroom. The mug itself began to crack, gold light peering through. "Get down, everyone," Anah said.
Moffitt shielded Jules with his body as they dropped to the floor. The mug exploded with a loud pop, sending ceramic fragments and gold dust all over the kitchen. Miraculously, not a trace of "tea" could be found.
Dietrich was the first to stand. He saw what remained of the cup, and immediately ran to the bathroom, calling, "Troy? Troy! Are you alright?"
The only response he got was retching.
"At least that means he's alive," Moffitt said, standing up with Jules.
"Is he puking up magic glitter, though?" Tully asked, looking at the cloud of gold dust still hanging above the table.
"Does this mean the curse is broken?" Hitch asked.
"There is only one way to find out," Anah said. "I am sure Troy would appreciate a cup of peppermint tea after his ordeal."
"I've already sacrificed a bag of my poor English breakfast tea," Moffitt said. "Must my peppermint tea suffer, too?"
"If this has worked, nothing bad will happen to your tea."
"Oh, alright."
Anah turned to the bathroom door when Troy emerged. "How do you feel, dear?" she asked.
"Somehow, that managed to be worse than any time I've had the flu," Troy said.
"Did it feel like something was being torn out of you?"
"As a matter of fact, yes."
"That is typically a sign of a curse breaking, but we need to see if that really is the case." Anah slithered off of Moffitt's shoulders, and gently pushed a new mug with a bag of peppermint tea already inside toward Troy with her tail. "Make this."
"And do it properly this time," Moffitt said through clenched teeth.
"Why don't we do something productive, like getting baby stuff ready for Dietrich?" Troy asked.
"This has been a rather long time coming," Dietrich said. "Besides, if Shauna ever falls ill, someone will need to make her tea."
"She usually does it herself whenever she's sick."
"This would be a nice change for her."
"Alright. You have a point."
Under Moffitt's watchful eye and guidance, Troy prepared the tea. Things went well, and the others watched while holding their breaths. The final part of the test came with adding a spoonful of sugar to the hot liquid. Moffitt closed his eyes, then opened them to find…
The tea still looked like tea. It hadn't turned to tar, and it still smelled like tea.
"This can't be real." Moffitt took the mug, sniffing it, then taking a small sip. "This can't be possible. Here, taste this." He handed the mug to Dietrich.
The skinny German was hesitant at first, but eventually took a sip. "It still tastes like tea." He passed the mug to Tully.
Tully took a more generous sip. "Not quite Granny's cure-all peppermint tea, but close."
Moffitt gave him a look. "I'll have you know that tea got me through quite a nasty bout of—"
"Spare them the details, dear," Anah interrupted. "That is one tale that does not need to be repeated."
"Sorry."
Tully handed the mug to Hitch, who gave it a taste, and then gave it back to Troy. "It's tea alright."
"Incredible," Dietrich said. "Troy actually made tea."
"Could we never talk about this again?" Troy said.
"Oh, no, you are far past due for your lessons in how to make a proper cup of tea," Moffitt said.
As Moffitt was getting a chalkboard and easel out from Jules's bedroom, the wives entered the house, having been out for the last few hours helping Esther pick out some things for the baby, and each of them took on a confused expression when they saw what their husbands were doing.
"Sam, what's this?" Shauna asked.
"Don't ask, sweetheart," Troy replied.
"Jack, what are you doing?" Vanora asked.
"The curse has been broken. Troy can learn how to make a proper cup of tea," Moffitt said.
"Is the chalkboard really necessary, love?"
"Yes it is, darling."
