Author's Note: Inspired by a comment from churchlady63. Was not intended to be this long, but Dietrich is a lot of fun to write, even when he's moody.
The autumn colors were particularly vibrant that morning, and despite the increasingly cold air, Dietrich didn't want to spend the day indoors. Cambridge was indeed lovely this time of year, and Dietrich sat by the window of his and Esther's hotel room, watching leaves float and dance in the gentle breeze outside. He turned when he noticed Esther stirring. "Good morning. How did you sleep?"
"Not very well. Again. I could not fall asleep until about one in the morning," Esther replied.
"You could have woken me if you felt you needed help."
"I did not want to disturb you."
"You are allowed to. I know I can be a bit cranky, but my job is to do whatever is possible to make you comfortable."
"I know, but I do not want you to be made uncomfortable for my sake."
"It will be worth it." Dietrich looked back out the window. "Would you be alright taking a walk today? The foliage is quite colorful right now."
"I want more sleep, Hans. I apologize. Maybe Moffitt would be willing to go with you."
Dietrich tried not to look disappointed. "Are you going to stay here today?"
"No, not if you are going over to Moffitt's. His home is quite calming."
"Indeed it is, and he has more tea than he knows what to do with. Maybe there will be something to help you sleep."
Dietrich continued suppressing his disappointment while he and his wife headed to Moffitt's. The last few weeks had been stressful, and Dietrich was struggling to think of things they could do together. A walk seemed so simple, but if Esther was tired, he wouldn't push her.
Moffitt and his family were already up by the time Dietrich and Esther arrived. As Dietrich knocked on the door, he heard Anah saying, "See? I told you they were coming."
"Yes, you're very smart and intuitive, Anah," Moffitt said. He opened the door, sighing before saying, "Good morning. Anah has already made extra breakfast and coffee. Come on in."
"Thank you, Moffitt," Dietrich replied.
"No, thank Anah."
Dietrich looked over at Anah, who was perched over the sink and washing the pans and spatulas telekinetically. "Thank you, Anah."
"You are most welcome." The cobra turned her attention to Dietrich and Esther. "Oh, Esther, you poor thing, sit down, dear. You look exhausted."
"I did not get a lot of sleep last night," Esther said.
"I will brew up some tea for you. Please, sit."
"You really do not have to, Anah."
"I insist." Anah next looked at Dietrich. "You may sit as well. You look equally tired."
"Are you upset about something, Mr. Dietrich?" Jules asked, looking up from his breakfast.
Dietrich was a bit stunned by the boy's question, as he didn't think he outwardly looked upset over being denied a walk. "Uh, no, I am not upset about anything, Jules."
Jules was quiet for a moment. "You are, though. You seem very sad."
Esther gave her husband a concerned look. "Are you alright, Hans?"
"I am perfectly fine," Dietrich said. "Please, do not stress yourself by worrying about me. Your needs are far more important right now."
"That does not mean your needs are entirely unimportant."
Jules suddenly looked guilty. He glanced at his father. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, you were right," Moffitt said. "Dietrich, are you—"
"For the last time, I am fine," Dietrich snapped. "Focus on Esther, not me."
Moffitt rubbed his face, sighing. He looked at Esther. "Would it help you feel better if Dietrich told us what's going on?"
"It would, actually," Esther said. She gently squeezed Dietrich's shoulder. "What is troubling you, Hans?"
Dietrich gave up hiding. "I… really wanted to go on a walk with you, just so we could do something, even a little thing, together."
"We could go later, if I manage to sleep," Esther replied. "I wish you had said so back at the hotel."
"I do not want to be a burden."
"You are never a burden, Hans."
"I can go with Mr. Dietrich," Jules said.
"Doesn't Anah have lessons for you today?" Moffitt asked.
"No. He can go," Anah replied.
"I appreciate the gesture, Jules, but I will be alright," Dietrich said.
"Please?" Jules asked.
"I will be alright if you go with Jules." Esther kissed Dietrich's cheek.
"Are you sure?" Dietrich asked.
"Yes."
Dietrich let out a sigh. "Alright. Let me eat, first."
Moffitt was quiet until Esther was in the sitting room with her tea, and Jules was putting his coat and boots on. "How did he guess that you were upset?" Moffitt asked.
"Your son is a natural empath," Anah said.
"That can't be possible. I'm not an empath, and neither is Vanora."
"It is entirely possible. It is a rare gift, bestowed on people regardless of whether or not their parents possess it, but it is possible. It can drive someone insane if they do not know how to handle it, and when it comes to someone as emotionally turbulent as Dietrich, Jules has been reading him and taking in his emotions incredibly well."
"So, I did not have to do anything. He just sensed it?" Dietrich asked.
"In a way," Anah replied. "He is trying his best to help you, even if he does not fully understand what is going on. I would not refuse him."
"Well, I already said I would go walk with him, so I will."
Jules headed over from the coat tree. "Hey, Dad? Can we take the horses out?"
Moffitt thought for a moment. "Why?"
"You said Snowstripe always helps when you're not feeling right, and I know Icepatch likes Mr. Dietrich."
"Alright. You can take the horses."
"Really?" Jules said excitedly.
"Yes, really. I trust Dietrich to keep things under control."
"Thanks, Dad!" Jules ran over to squeeze Moffitt tightly.
"You're welcome. Just remember everything I taught you, and listen to Dietrich."
"Okay, Dad." Jules dashed back over to the entryway.
Moffitt smiled up at Dietrich. "Well? Don't want to keep him waiting."
"You are positive that this is a good idea?" Dietrich asked.
"He'll be with you. You're less reckless than the others."
"Thank you. I will do my best to keep Jules safe."
"I know you will."
Dietrich had been entrusted with Jules before, but he still worried something terrible would happen every single time. He followed the boy out to the stables, where they were both greeted happily by the horses. Jules didn't ask for any help while putting Snowstripe's saddle on. Watching him work, Dietrich found it hard to believe Jules was only nine, and he could see a lot of Moffitt's mannerisms in Jules's interactions with Snowstripe.
"You really are just like your father," Dietrich said.
"Grandpa says I remind him of Dad," Jules replied. "He keeps asking if Dad's ever going to take me to North Africa, even though Dad said it'll be a few years. Wish that could be now. Why do I have to wait for everything?"
"That is just how life is. I have had to do a lot of waiting."
"Even as a grown-up?"
"Especially as a grown-up." Dietrich rested one hand on Icepatch, his thoughts suddenly rushing back to the prophecy and just how long that had been stuck in his life. Now he was waiting for something else—the birth of his child. "There will always be a lot of waiting. Patience is a very important trait to have. You cannot be like Troy and run headfirst into everything."
"Mr. Troy once said that he is patient, but he's good at knowing when it's time to just go for what he wants instead of letting it come to him."
"Yes, that is 'Troy language' for 'I charge into things and could not give less of a damn about it.'"
"But he's been successful, hasn't he?"
"Yes. Somehow."
The two were soon out of the stables and riding out to the path leading down to the castle ruins and the creek. Jules and Snowstripe were ahead, though Snowstripe couldn't go nearly as fast as he once could. The long views were painted with warm autumn colors, but they lost the wonder and whimsy that Dietrich had been feeling that morning. My first date with Esther was enjoying the autumn leaves in Hammelburg. I wanted to experience that again. I cannot fault her for being tired and unable to sleep, but… I cannot deny it hurts. I feel powerless to help her at times, no matter what I do.
Jules looked over his shoulder. "Are you alright, Mr. Dietrich?"
"Fine, Jules. Just… fine."
"No, you're not."
Dietrich wasn't sure how to respond. There is no competing with the brutal honesty of a child. He looked down at Icepatch's back, thinking back to what Anah was saying about Jules's empathy. It is something he was blessed with, and lying to him is not going to get you anywhere, because he already knows. How or why, no one can be sure. Perhaps it is something he will need later in life.
"How can you hurt so much and not want help?"
"You are far too young to understand."
"I can't just do nothing."
"Jules," Dietrich said firmly, "you are mature for your age, I understand that, but you only get to be a child once! Enjoy it! You do not need to see or feel what I am feeling. Believe me, you do not want to."
"But I can't do nothing when I know you hurt! And you know what? I don't want to be treated like a kid. That's how I was treated at school. Miss Anah doesn't treat me like a kid. Mr. Troy doesn't treat me like a kid. You don't—"
"You only get to have this innocence and happiness and purity once. When you are older, you will understand that."
Jules clenched his fists and shouted, "Everything will be 'when I'm older!'"
The horses were getting agitated, and stopped walking. Dietrich tried to keep his tone calm as he spoke. "Did I not say before we left that life is full of waiting?"
"Yes, but what am I supposed to do now? I was taught to be kind, and that means helping people when they need it. Not helping someone when they clearly need it isn't very kind."
Dietrich sighed. He wanted to tell Jules that some people just don't want help, and it would be best to leave them alone. His gaze shifted down to his wrists. It is much more complicated than that, and… I should not have kept pushing away Troy and the others when I clearly needed help. I should not push away Jules now, because I do not want to put him off helping people when they prove to be a challenge. "You are right, Jules, but you will run into people who do not want help. You will need a lot of strength to help them in particular." Dietrich paused, unsure of how to explain himself to Jules. "When you feel sad, what happens?"
"Sometimes I cry. I don't want to do anything, even lessons. Miss Anah always tries to help me through it. Why?"
"Have you ever refused her help?"
"Once. When Dad was sick last winter, and he had to go to the hospital. Mum was worried all the time. Miss Anah kept trying to tell me to stay focused on my lessons and not to worry. I started shouting at her that there was no point in staying focused because… the way everyone was talking made it sound like Dad was going to die."
Snowstripe turned his head to look at Jules, while Icepatch moved forward without Dietrich's instruction to nuzzle the boy's arm.
Dietrich watched the horses attempt to comfort Jules, as he remembered how nervous everyone had been that January when Vanora phoned them all to say Moffitt was sick. She kept them updated daily, and no one slept well over the course of the next week or so. Dietrich had gotten several late-night phone calls from a worried Troy, comforted Tully with a few prayers, and talked with Hitch about how to explain the situation to his kids. Everyone made it through alright, but it had been a stressful time for them.
He certainly couldn't blame Jules for snapping at Anah. Dietrich had Icepatch move forward a little more so he could be directly alongside Jules, and reached over to gently squeeze the boy's shoulder. "Picture what you felt when you were upset over your father's illness, take that sadness in particular, and try to imagine feeling that every day, oftentimes for no reason. That is what I have to deal with sometimes."
"I can't imagine being so sad every day," Jules said.
"And it is more than just being sad. It is being tired all the time, and not having much interest in anything, and not wanting to eat. It is immensely overwhelming, and sometimes so strong that, yes, I push people away who are trying to help, even though I badly need it."
"If you know you need help, why do you push people away, then?"
"Because of how strong those feelings can be. I have been fighting this for many years, and in the beginning, I never would have been able to have this conversation with you. Now, I know better how to handle it, largely because your father and the others kept trying to help, even while I said I did not want their help."
"What would've happened if they stopped trying?"
Dietrich didn't respond at first. His wrists had begun to ache. "I… do not know what would have happened." He quickly moved on. "Have I helped you understand this at all?"
Jules looked unsure. "I guess. I still can't imagine being sad all the time. It doesn't make any sense."
"It does not to me, either."
"Is there anything that makes you happy?"
"Oh, lots of things. Little things, really. Spending time with all of you, even though some of you drive me crazy."
"Mr. Troy."
"Yes. Troy drives me crazy, but he is still my best friend. Esther makes me happy."
"Like how Mum makes Dad happy."
"Precisely."
"Is that why you're upset now? I remember you said at breakfast that you wanted to take a walk with her, but she's too tired."
"It is. When you are older, and find someone to love, it will make a bit more sense."
"Sometimes Dad's too tired to do anything with me. Miss Anah tries to fill in, but it's not the same."
Dietrich smirked. "Sorry, but I am greatly amused by the image of a snake attempting to play catch."
"She has! She's quite good, actually. She can't ride a horse, though."
"Has she tried?"
"Yes. Dad was furious." Jules was finally smiling again.
"I can imagine. Let me guess—"
"No, Mr. Troy wasn't involved."
Dietrich tilted his head a little, grinning. "How did you know?"
Jules shrugged, giving his widest smile. "For one, it seems Mr. Troy is always involved when something turns into a disaster, and the tone of your voice always sounds a certain way when you're talking about him."
Jules's smile resembled Moffitt's so much that Dietrich had to pause and remember who he was looking at. He recalled the sighting of the magpies, and despite having been the subject of a prophecy, there was still a small part of him that was skeptical. At the same time, he was inclined to believe the magpies, and that he would indeed have a son. He wondered if his son was going to look like him, the same way Jules was beginning to look like a miniature version of Moffitt. Hopefully, my son—Gunther—will not look depressed like I do. That will certainly take some getting used to. Hopefully, he will also not look so old when he is only in his twenties.
They continued on their ride, staying silent. Jules kept looking over at Dietrich occasionally, and Dietrich was wondering if he made the right decision in trying to explain his depression. He was afraid that all he did was confuse Jules further. Jules should not have to think about such things, Dietrich thought. It is not like he chose to be an empath, and he has always been more attached to me than any of the others, though he does look up to Troy a lot. I was around while Jules was a baby. I held him a lot whenever Moffitt and his wife needed a break. Jules grew familiar with my voice and my face. I was not his mother or father, but I was something comforting.
When they returned to the house and returned the horses to their pens, Dietrich was still distracted with his thoughts about Jules and whether or not he actually made his situation easier to understand. He made sure Icepatch's pen was locked as he left, and looked down to see Jules waiting for him. "You can go back to the house, you know," Dietrich said.
Instead, Jules hugged him. Dietrich tousled Jules's hair before hugging him back and asking, "Are you alright?"
"How come someone as nice as you has to be so sad?" Jules replied, sounding like he was about to cry.
"Just because I am nice does not mean I should not have to go through struggles in life. Some people become bitter and mean from their experiences, others… become nicer because they know what it is like to hurt, and do not want anyone else to feel the same. As unpleasant as it may seem, the harder experiences help us grow."
"I still wish you didn't have to feel like this."
"I know. You all help, in your own ways." Dietrich's chest became heavy when Jules sniffled. "Please, there is no need to cry. I am alright."
He stayed put, letting Jules cry in his jacket, and didn't look up until he saw Moffitt entering the stables.
"What's going on? I saw you come back, but then you didn't leave the—why is Jules crying?" Moffitt jogged over.
"He is alright," Dietrich said. "We have been having some conversations about… me and my depression."
"Why?"
"Because he is determined to help me. Honestly, I doubt I explained it very well."
"You know it better than anyone. I'm sure you did fine." Moffitt touched his son's shoulder. "Jules?"
Jules looked up at Moffitt. "Yes, Dad?"
"Anah made lunch for everyone. Why don't you head inside before it gets cold?"
"I'm not hungry."
"This may come as a surprise, but I am," Dietrich said.
"Actually, it doesn't, because you barely had any breakfast," Moffitt muttered. "Jules, Anah will not be happy if you don't eat. It's bad enough she has mine and Dietrich's rubbish eating habits to deal with. We don't need you on top of that."
"Okay." Jules let go of Dietrich, and began heading back to the house.
Dietrich was quiet until Jules was out of earshot. "I see more of you in him each time we interact."
Moffitt sighed. "Yes. My father says that. Vanora says that. Jules has her eyes, though. I don't want him becoming too much like me, throwing himself into danger and adventure at every turn. It will happen. I can feel it."
"You can teach him."
"I know, but… I can't teach him how to be a decent empath."
"He is already doing a good job, but there is a lot more he has to learn. When he goes out into the world, he will need to be able to keep his abilities under control. We cannot always be there to help him, nor can Anah."
"No, we can't. I don't even know if Anah will choose to accompany him when he's ready to start exploring the world on his own."
Dietrich winced a little. "I would advise you to not start thinking about that. You would miss her terribly."
Moffitt looked at the ground. "Yes, I would." He glanced toward the house. "Esther is awake, and she wants to see you."
"Why?"
Moffitt gave him a look. "You're her husband? Why else? She loves you."
"I made her feel bad this morning about wanting that walk."
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Dietrich, you don't have to sacrifice all of your wants and needs just because she's pregnant. Don't feel guilty about wanting a simple walk."
"How were you with your wife? Knowing you, you would have been the same way."
"Admittedly, yes, I was, but Anah told me to stop making myself miserable and just be open with Vanora about things I want. It's a very tough balance to find, but you'll find it."
"I hope so."
The two headed back into the house, where Dietrich went to see Esther in the sitting room. She held her arms out for a hug, and Dietrich didn't hesitate to sit next to her and accept the hug. "I missed you," he said.
"I missed you, too," Esther replied. "Are you alright?"
"A bit better now."
"Was Jules pestering you?"
"No. He was actually quite helpful, and gave me a lot to think about. So did Moffitt."
"Good."
"How did you sleep?"
"A little better than last night, but it… is not the same without you."
"Well, it is rather cold out now. Perhaps we just stay here."
"I would like that."
At his wife's insistence, Dietrich had lunch first, then returned to the couch to snuggle. He was nearly asleep when he heard and felt someone pulling a blanket over him and Esther, and opened his eyes to see Jules making sure the blanket was fully covering them. "Thank you," Dietrich whispered.
"No problem, Mr. Dietrich," Jules whispered back. He went over to where Moffitt was observing in the doorway. "He looks much happier, Dad."
"Feels good to see, doesn't it?" Moffitt asked.
"Yeah. It does."
