She was going to go somewhere to seek out solstice, but she didn't know where. Robin's room brought back memories from last night, the roof would be too windy, the common room would make her more accessible. So she sat on one of the many stairs on the barely used staircases. It was dark and quiet and surprisingly warm.
Raven sat with her head resting on her knees, brushing the dirt and other debris into piles with one of the paint brushes. She didn't realize she brought the brushes with her until she relaxed her hand and they dropped. She cringed at the sudden sound but used them to try to ease herself by making zen like gardens on the stairs she could reach.
She didn't know how she was feeling. It felt like she was dissociating? She wasn't sure. She was mad, but she wasn't. She was sad but not at the same time. She wasn't happy though, that she knew.
Metal taps echoed around the enclosed area and became clearer until they were close to her.
She didn't bother with reaching out to see it was, knowing only two people had metal toed shoes and the heavy steps let her know it was Cyborg.
"Can I sit?" He asked.
"You're going to anyway."
"Can you blame me?" He sat next to her.
She sighed. "No."
Raven lifted her head to adjust her position, leaning forward and putting her weight on her feet.
It was silent for a few minutes, the only sounds Cyborg's light humm of his mechanics and the sweeping of the brush.
"Robin says it wasn't my fault." She spoke.
He nodded. "He's right."
She gave a slight roll of her eyes.
"Is there a reason why you didn't want to tell us?" He asked point blankly, knowing she would answer more directly if he was also direct.
She sat up fully and gave him a look that softened when he didn't react to it.
Taking a deep breath she chose her words carefully. "I didn't want you all to worry about me. I can handle my stuff."
"You do realize that ignoring the problem won't make it go away right?"
She gave him another look.
"I'm just saying," he raised his hands in defense, "we know that you can handle yourself, but there is no shame at all for asking for help or telling us there was an issue. You of all people should know how dangerous it is to bottle things up."
He was right. Raven knew he was. But knowing that she can always talk to them and actually doing it are two very different things.
"We only want what's best for you, but we can't do that without some help and guidance from you."
"I didn't want you to know."
He blinked. "What?"
"I didn't want you to know." She repeated. "I didn't want any of you to know, but it's not like I could have kept it from Robin for too long." She gestured to her head in regards to their bond. "I told him not to tell you guys, but here we are."
"Why didn't you want us to know?" He asked, trying to hide his heart starting to ache for her.
"Because…I didn't want you to think of me or treat me any differently."
"Why would you think we would do that?" He pressed.
"Because I kept away from everyone…and I got assaulted because of that."
There it was.
"So you think that because you chose something that may not have been the best decision, that means we shouldn't show you compassion and support when something bad happens?"
She was at a loss of words. Again, Raven knew he was right, but it wasn't easy to talk about.
"No."
"When Robin went after Slade as Red X, became his apprentice, and then just a few weeks ago with the dust, did we blame him and treat him any differently after?"
She shook her head.
"So then why on Earth would we suddenly treat you any differently?"
"Because he was manipulated."
"So were you." Cyborg pointed out. "Just in different ways. He was mentally and situationally manipulated and you were emotionally. It happens. Hell, we were manipulated by Blackfire when she came. I've even fallen for things from time to time."
"But none of you have been coaxed like this…touched." Her grip tightened on the brush.
Cyborg nodded slowly, her points becoming more clear.
"Not in the way you experienced, no."
"So then why should the results of my actions be reinforced?"
"Because it wasn't a result of your actions. Why are you taking accountability for something you didn't do?"
"Really?" She finally turned to face him. "Who was the one who read the book? Me. Who was the one who kept the book after a talking man appeared in it? Me. Who was the one that ignored all their instincts to not keep it but did? Me."
"Ok then." Cyborg adjusted himself putting his forearms on his thighs and met her gaze firmly. "Who was the one with the ill intent? Him. Who was the one that encouraged keeping it all a secret? Him. Who was the one who was willing to do anything to get what he wanted? Him." He countered her thought process. "Do you want more examples? Because I can go on."
She shook her head and looked away from him, mulling over what he said.
"We love you very much and will always be there for you no matter what." Cyborg started, putting an arm around Raven firmly. "I know you know that, but it's important for me to make sure you know and hear it."
Raven let herself be pulled into his side. She didn't hug back, but didn't try to wiggle herself out of his hold like usual.
After a few moments, Cyborg lifted his arm. "Now, I'm going to go back up to help the others. You can join whenever you're ready but don't expect there to be any wall left over for you to paint."
"We only got sample cans." She pointed out. "I don't think there's enough to even do one wall."
"Well, guess that means we gotta go back to the store then huh?" He laughed and shook his head.
"You should get a broom too. These steps are gross."
"Girl." He shook his head and stood up, ruffling her hair a bit in playful annoyance before telling her she knew where the brooms were and was more than welcome to sweep the steps if she felt so moved to.
While Cyborg went to find Raven, the other three stayed and finished rebuilding the bookshelves in silence. Their minds couldn't stop thinking about what was finally told, but couldn't bring themselves to voice those thoughts either.
It wasn't until Cyborg came back that the dam was opened.
"How is she?" Starfire asked, practically dropping the hammer on Robin's foot seeing her metal friend minus her blue one.
"Did you find her?" Beast Boy questioned, knocking over the box of nails.
The questions kept coming while Robin sighed and bent down to pick up the spilled nails and to move the hammer until his name was called.
"Huh?" He so gracefully asked.
"Rave said that she didn't want you to tell us."
Robin stood up and safely put the box on a shelf that Beast Boy wouldn't be able to accidentally knock it off from.
It was hard to read the man's face. His arms were crossed and his expression left no room for funny business. He looked like a disapproving mother looking down on her children as if they just shaved the family cat and put stickers on it.
"She did." Robin responded.
"Technically," Starfire held up a finger, "Robin didn't say anything. You guessed."
Robin thought back to the earlier conversation and realized that all he did was stay silent while a guess was verified. "You're right."
Cyborg opened his mouth to argue that that wasn't true, but closed it for a moment, then spoke again. "Let me rephrase. Why weren't you going to tell us?"
"It's not my place to." He said as simply as if he was ordering extra cheese on a pizza.
"Like hell it is!" Cyborg tried to control his tone but ultimately let it slip. "Were you just going to not tell us at all?! Because from what she told me, she never planned on telling anyone, even you."
Robin wasn't surprised. He knew that there were many things Raven hid from them, from him. He knew that she had not reached out to them asking for help. Not once. But in the far corner of his mind, he still had faith that she would.
"If that's what she wanted, then yes."
Cyborg took some loud breaths to try to calm himself. "So you're telling me that if you knew she was fucking- god I don't know! If she was harming herself, suicidal, hell, if she was pregnant, you wouldn't tell us?"
"I'm not sure." Robin admitted.
Then, for the first time in almost two weeks, the alarm went off.
Red flashed throughout the room illuminating the four faces in their various states of anger, confusion, nervousness, and practiced calm.
"You know what," Cyborg started, pulling up the mission report on his arm to see it was just Control Freak, "we got this. Stay here with Raven. I don't want her out fighting yet." He decided, storming out of the room.
Starfire and Beast Boy looked at Robin with uncertain glances.
"Star! B!" Cyborg's voice boomed from down the hall. "Come on!"
Robin gave them a nod to go and with some reluctance they did.
Robin waited until they were gone before he grabbed the broom and muttered and mumbled as he swept. He cursed the damn sawdust that was everywhere, the few nails he missed, Cyborg, tripping over his own foot-
"Robin-"
"What?!" He turned around and regretted the anger in his tone seeing Raven standing in the doorway, eyes wide in shock not expecting him to yell.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." He apologized. "I didn't mean to yell at you. How are you doing?"
She shrugged. "Did you get banished from the mission too?"
"Something like that." He gave the floor one final sweep and put the broom down.
"Cyborg's mad at me, isn't he?" She stated more than asked.
"Not mad." Robin clarified. "Upset most likely."
Raven lowered her gaze to the pile of wood and dust on the floor, reminding her of the purple/gray powder she made to semi-free Malchior.
Robin felt an uncomfortable shift in her emotions and was about to ask, but he wanted to put his faith in her, so he ignored it for now.
"We finished the shelves." He said instead, moving his hand to present the now intact shelves. "We can start putting your books and plants back up if you would like."
"As much as I want to, I'd rather wait until after the room is painted."
Robin nodded. "Fair."
"Is there anything else that needs to be done?" She wanted to be back in her room so badly. She was comfortable in Robin's room, but that was his space and she wanted her space back. Even if it wouldn't be the same room again.
"I don't think so." Robin looked around the room. "Besides painting and putting together the new furniture that hasn't come yet, the rest is just putting things back in their places."
Raven nodded. "There's not enough paint to do the whole room."
"Do you want to ask if the others will get it on their way back?" Robin suggested, sensing her urgency of getting everything together again.
"Why not you?"
"They're uh, a bit unhappy with me as well."
"I told you." Raven sighed, holding her hands in front of her. "I never should have picked up that book. None of this would be happening."
Robin could have said many things at that moment. "You wouldn't have known." Or "It's not your fault." But instead, knowing she wasn't in the right mind to listen to any reason he would speak, said, "let's go make lunch and watch a show."
Raven sat on the couch while Robin busied himself in the kitchen. He appeared calm and collected, but a simple tap into his emotions told her otherwise. It was a whole slew of feelings, and none of them were positive. That was until he pulled out the bag of sour cream and onion chips, she felt a small wave of happiness which put a small smile on her face momentarily.
"I made sandwiches." He declared, making his way over to the couch and handed her a plate. "Turkey with the edges removed and provolone cheese with some chips and strawberries." Robin stated seeing her observe the plate.
Just the way she likes it. "Thank you."
"Of course." He nodded, and plopped down on the couch turning on the tv.
It was silent as they ate. It wasn't uncommon for them to stay silent during meals, but there was a cloud of tension that filled the air as if they were two fires that wouldn't let their flame go out.
Raven watched whatever show it was that Robin put on, not really understanding what was going on but glad it gave her a chance to zone out and completely not pay any sort of attention. That was until she kept hearing her name.
"What?" She shot, not expecting her tone to sound so rough.
Robin just blinked under his mask, deciding it wasn't worth addressing it. "The others are done with the mission and are going to the store. Do you want them to get the paint while they're out?"
"Sure." She replied, not taking her eyes off the tv.
Robin nodded and gave her a solemn look, shooting a quick text back asking if they wouldn't mind picking up some paint.
"Hey," he started with a gentle tone, "I'm sorry that the others found out sooner than what you wanted them to. If it's worth anything, they pieced it together themselves."
"I don't want to talk about it." Raven said.
"I know you don't want to, but I think you need to. And you did briefly last night, but I still feel like there's something else you're keeping away."
"I said, I don't, want, to talk, about it." She repeated, tone becoming more sharp and dangerous after each pause.
Robin sighed and stood up, collecting both their plates. "Ok, fine." He walked to the kitchen and dropped the plates not so gently in the sink and departed, saying he would be in the gym if she needed anything.
Hearing the whoosh of the door close and his emotional signature fade as he made his way down the hall, she laid down on the couch, curled up to face the backrest, and silently let the tears that rushed to her eyes fall.
Raven wished she had the safety and cover of her cloak.
The others came back all rowdy and loud, hyped from their victory against the geeky villain and not knowing she was on the couch.
She wanted to just melt into the couch and disappear. They were too loud. Her ears pounded and head pulsed at the sounds of Beast Boy's screeching, Cyborg's footsteps, and Starfire's singsong voice. Crinkly and metallic clanking sounds adorned their voices. She couldn't handle it anymore.
Before they had the chance to spot her, she reflexively teleported herself to her room only to be disappointed not finding its familiar comfort. She sighed at the underwhelm of it all and decided to take a walk around the tower to get some kind of movement.
She walked all over, though avoiding the main room and the surrounding areas. She snaked her way up to the roof passing the many closets and storage rooms, a few bedrooms, and then back down. Passing the training room, she made her way to the bottom of the building when she heard Robin talking.
She peered into the gym where he said he'd be, but he wasn't there. Some of his equipment was out, but their person was nowhere to be seen.
Walking down the hall, taking careful notice of the sounds of her steps, she found him.
The door to the evidence room was cracked open. Yellow light spilled out into the dark hallway as the sun began to set. It wasn't his words that made her freeze, but his emotions.
Pure anger and rage were thick in the air, his tone sharp and low.
She didn't know if she should leave or not, but she found herself taking quiet steps until she was able to make out what he was saying.
"Do you have any idea of what you've done?" A shallow chuckle. "Of course you don't. All the progress she's made to get to this point, to let someone in, and you broke it all for your own gain."
"You came in and used her own insecurities against her. Tricked her into learning dark magic that she can't fully control in addition to her own. You persuaded her, tricked her, touched her. And now you left her confused and traumatized and guilty for your actions. Do you know how caring and empathetic a person has to be to take on someone else's wrongdoings as their own? How lucky you would have been if everything wasn't just for show!"
Raven clutched the hem of her shirt when he paused, his deep breaths audible.
"She deserved so much more than the twisted game you played on her. And I hope that whatever fate the universe has for you that it gives you what you deserve."
She found herself stepping back. Slowly making her way to the end of the hall and just waited. She didn't know what for, but when she saw the light turn off she went down the hall, mind going a mile a minute as she processed what she overheard.
Robin was talking to Malchi- him.
He was talking to him.
About her.
And he was angry. Furious. Livid. Wrathful.
She turned his speech over in her head. Words like, "caring, empathetic," and "deserve" replayed over and over, nonstop like it was stuck on a loop, because she hadn't heard those words being assigned to her before. Patient, harsh, cold, and wise being words she was more used to hearing geared towards her. But she would be lying if she said she wasn't thrown for a bit of a loop.
"She deserves so much more."
'Like what?' Raven thought, so deep in her mind that she almost didn't notice three things out of place when she passed her room. Three people.
It was their laughter that brought her back to the present.
Cyborg, Starfire, and Beast Boy.
They were in her room. Again.
Painting the walls.
Her walls.
Her room.
They weren't doing it right.
Blotchy and sloppy slaps of paint were rolled and brushed onto the walls carelessly.
They weren't doing it right. She had a certain way she was going to paint her room.
But she didn't tell them.
They didn't know, and their confused faces turned to her when she just burst into tears, not having the words to say what was the matter.
