Chapter Four
June 8th, 2018
"Are we friends?" Arizona asked meekly, an uncomfortable scratchiness in the back of her throat, an awful acidity assaulting her mouth.
"Um, what?" Callie said, rubbing a headache through her forehead.
"Am I your friend?" She repeated with full seriousness, although her eyelids drooped a bit, reducing the impact of her question.
It was a bit of an unconventional environment for this conversation, they were on either side of the toilet bowl on the floor of the guest bathroom–apparently it was both of their first nights out in a while and they weren't used to the alcohol as well as they used to be. Well, Arizona wasn't the best at holding down her alcohol and after that random man's pitiful attempt at flirting, she ingested more alcohol than she was intending and that was hitting her hard this morning.
Callie had snuck down early in the morning to get a glass of water only to be called into the bathroom by the sounds of her ex-wife retching. So, here they sat, on the cold tile, only a few feet apart.
"Yeah." Callie said simply after an absurdly long pause. "You called me your friend last night." Her voice was rough, more than her usual morning voice.
"Good, then I don't have to be nice to you." Arizona sighed loudly with exaggerated hand motions.
Callie erupted with laughter. "How is that how that works?"
" Mhm." Arizona whined. She paused, thinking intently. "So I could say you look really rough right now and it's not offensive." She shrugged at her ex-wife.
Callie raised an eyebrow. "It's not offensive?" She couldn't stop laughing.
Arizona shrugged.
"In that case, you're not looking too hot either." Callie scoffed.
Arizona's mouth fell open. First in shock and then she covered it with her hand as to stop something from coming up. "That's rude!" She whined.
"You said I looked really rough!" Callie rebutted.
"But if we're friends," she practically sang, "I can tell you the truth." She waved her finger in the air.
"Right." Callie smiled. She paused and just looked at Arizona, she had clearly been hit harder than Callie was from their hangover, but still somehow still beautiful. "I missed this." Callie said quietly.
"Being hungover?" Arizona gulped.
"Yep." Callie smiled. There were dark circles under Arizona's eyes that were still as blue as ever. That little smirk at the edge of Arizona's mouth made something flutter within Callie.
Arizona rubbed her eyes. When she pulled her arm back she saw Callie's eyes almost intrusively honed on hers.
"I missed you." Callie smiled softly. She reached out and soothingly rubbed Arizona's arm.
Arizona looked back at her with a smug grin. Callie had to do this now when they had dried drool and/or vomit on their chin and had giant bags under their eyes. "I missed you, too." Arizona smiled softly, more genuinely than her previous smirks.
Callie's eyes raked up and down Arizona. Here they were on the floor, looking like hell, and yet she was having more fun here on the floor with Arizona than she had alone in her apartment for months. She couldn't help but think of how grateful she was at this moment.
Arizona paused before the silence went from comforting to outright awkward. Callie's eyes were a little too intense on Arizona's.
She contorted her face. "Can we get coffee, or water, or something?" She rubbed at her head. "My head is pounding." She groaned.
"Going out on a Thursday night was a great idea." Callie groaned, beginning to push herself onto her feet. She reached out for Arizona's hand to help her up.
"Going out the night before moving was a great idea." Arizona groaned in a similar tone, but more forced. She didn't know why she felt the need to bring that up, why she had this compulsion to break off the moment before anything got too friendly.
At the same time, Arizona's hand stiffened in Callie's. Sharing a pitiful smile once Arizona was brought to her feet.
She had no right to feel pained seeing Arizona leave through those doors, and once again, after having shuffled the few remaining boxes into Arizona's new home, she had no right for her heart to break as she walked out that final door. She stopped for a moment, hoping her heart would return to its normal place in her chest and that her heartbeat would return to a healthy rhythm. She fell backward into Arizona's front door, her head gently falling onto it as well after a beat. She stared at this random hallway's ceiling. There were water stains and uneven paint, it was splotchy, like the painter gave up halfway through each stroke.
"Goodbye, Arizona." Callie whispered, forcing herself to let go of Arizona.
She had enjoyed playing house with Arizona. She enjoyed how easily it felt their lives had melded back together.
"Are you still out here?" Arizona asked, prying the door open.
Callie shook herself from her daze. "Uh, yeah, um, I just got distracted by this awful paint job." She said awkwardly, pointing at the ceiling above her.
Arizona raised her eyebrow. "Okay, weirdo." She paused for a minute, she knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself from opening her mouth once more. "Do you want a cup of coffee?" She asked softly, tilting her head to the side.
Callie snickered. "How strong is your brew?"
"Why don't you stop looking at the ceiling and come see." Arizona teased, smirking at her ex-wife.
"You know it's my house so I can brew it however I want, right?" Arizona snarked.
"Oh I'm fine with your brew, it's your coffee to cream ratio that's totally out of whack." She teased.
They then shared a cup of coffee together in comfortable silence although both of them were intensely honed in on the goodbye to come. They would see each other a lot from now on, sure, but there was no longer the convenient excuse to go over to Callie's apartment whenever she pleased.
Callie only lingered for a few minutes more before she knew she had overstayed her welcome. She took one last long look at Arizona. It was hard for her mind to express how exactly she was feeling and she didn't know what within her sparked it, but she leaned over and pressed a delicate kiss to Arizona's cheek. She pulled back, savoring how close Arizona was to her.
"Bye, Arizona." She tried to force the sadness out of her voice with a smile before nodding softly and heading toward the door, her footsteps the only sound.
"Callie." Arizona called out, walking a few steps closer to her.
Callie turned her head around. Arizona pouted her mouth side to side, trying to pinpoint how to ask for what she needed for closure. Callie's eyes narrowed on Arizona. She bit her lip.
"Can I, can I hug you?" Arizona asked desperately after a pause. She twisted her body side to side anxiously, yet she didn't regret asking for that bit of affection one bit, because Callie obliged.
Callie sighed with a smile. "Of course." Arizona let out a sigh louder than she meant. "Come here." She motioned her arms open to which Arizona gently let herself fall into. She was so warm, she felt so nice in her arms.
Arizona remembered their last hug. A bitter goodbye years ago when she handed her two plane tickets. She had seen Callie in person since then, at holidays or trips out to see Sofia, but this was different, this was permanent. Here, now, this was one last goodbye hug, but not goodbye goodbye but a soft closure to the life they had been living for the past week. And although neither of them wanted to let go, they parted. Letting go of their hug and letting go of the pipe dream of forging their lives together once again.
As she has been for the last few days, Arizona ended up back at New York Presbyterian. She stood in the hallway near the OR galleries as she tried to nonchalantly peak into each one in case she saw Callie in one of them.
"Arizona." Callie said, relieved to see her ex-wife standing in the way, for more reasons than one.
"Callie, hey–"
"Hold on one second." Callie said hurriedly as she rushed past her. She turned back and paused for a second. "Stay here, I'll be right back." She pleaded.
Arizona's hair was blown slightly by the speed Callie made her way past her. A perplexed look came across her face. She shifted her weight back and forth as she tried to comprehend what just happened.
Callie ran down the hall and bursted into the conference room.
"Dr. Torres, I'm in the middle of–" He started strictly, his brow furrowed.
"I need you to clear Arizona Robbins for surgery."
"What?" Chief Paulson raised an eyebrow from the opposite side of the conference table.
"Arizona Robbins is one of the top maternal fetal surgeons in the country–"
"Dr. Torres, we can discuss this later." He looked at her sternly.
"We just got a trauma case, that she can do." She scolded. "You were going to hire her for an interim position anyway, so just clear her now so she can perform that surgery and save those lives!" Callie exclaimed.
The chief glared at her brazen, but nodded. "Alright, Torres, I'll send through the approval."
"Thank you." Callie clasped her hands together and gave a dramatically grateful smile before she ran out back down the hall.
"Come on." Callie smiled softly when she saw Arizona again in the hallway, she grabbed Arizona by her wrist and began to pull her down the hallway, fighting how easily she could slip down and hold her hand.
"Callie, what are you doing?" Arizona asked frantically as she was yanked.
"You're going into surgery." Callie said calmly, dragging her into the attending lounge.
"What?" Arizona contorted her face and stabilized herself from all of Callie's yanking, shaking out her shoulder.
"There was a trauma." Callie said, as she started to riffle through the extra scrubs and grab a set in Arizona's size.
"Callie, I'm not even cleared for surgery." She said suspiciously of Callie's behavior as she was forcefully handed scrubs and shoved toward the bathroom.
"Yes, you are, that's what I was just going, the Chief just sent it through." Callie shut the bathroom door behind Arizona.
Arizona fumbled to turn on the light switch before agreeing and changing into her scrubs. "Callie what is going on?" She groaned as she shoved her legs into her scrubs.
"There was a car crash." Callie said after a moment, reluctant to tell Arizona the details of the accident.
Arizona was silent on the other side of the door. Taking a pause from pulling up her pants or throwing on her scrub top.
Callie bit her tongue, wishing she could get Arizona prepared for surgery without freaking her out.
"Okay, I need more, keep talking." Arizona switched seamlessly into doctor mode.
"Thirty-one year old female, car versus semi," Callie winced, the universe really was out to get them it seemed, "She conscious and stable as of now, but baby experiencing decels."
"How are her sats?" Arizona asked, completely shifting her focus onto her patient. She exited the bathroom and went over to sit in front of the mirror.
Callie riddled them off before explaining the patient's state further.
Arizona nodded as she took in the information, Callie could see how her eyes shifted to a focused almost vacant look and she studied the information she had been given and determined her plan of action. At the same time she reached up to her head and began to braid her hair back.
"You know I was planning on going home and then picking up our daughter and having a nice evening, right?" She broke from her focus, but in the back of her mind, her plan was generating at a rapid pace.
"Too bad, instead you get to be a badass surgeon and save not just one but two people." Callie moved to stand right behind her, watching her closely through the mirror.
Arizona laughed softly at Callie's pep talk.
"I don't have a–" She drifted off miming at the lack of hair tie on her wrist.
"Here." Callie said softly before she took a fist of Arizona's braided blond hair in her hand and secured it with an elastic and after pinning it in place.
"Thank you." Arizona breathed out.
Callie smiled softly as her own fingers maneuvered through Arizona's soft hair. It was definitely not the time to be so distracted by her ex-wife's hair. Callie took a second and rifled through her bag.
"What's this?" Arizona asked as Callie placed her own scrub cap on Arizona's braided head.
"Scrub cap, you're going into surgery and I'm pretty sure you don't have yours with you and I know you don't want a random paper one."
Arizona smiled smally, anxious for her surgery.
Callie smiled, tying it snuggly on Arizona's head.
"Maybe with the cap you'll be as awesome of a surgeon as I am." Callie smirked.
"Callie, I can't." She argued, raising her hands up to pull it off her head.
"I know it'll help you relax to have something you know you can control." Callie said as they both faced the mirror in front of Arizona. How could Callie be sure of what Arizona wanted or what would make her feel safe? Arizona wasn't the same woman that Callie knew so deeply.
Arizona spun around so she was face to face with Callie. She smiled shyly, tucking her chin in. "Thank you, Callie."
Callie stared intently into Arizona's bright blue eyes. She saw a fear in there that she wasn't used to seeing before Arizona went into surgery. She knew this one in particular was going to be difficult for her, but Callie knew Arizona could do it and didn't need her help, but God, did Callie really want to try to fix it for Arizona. She couldn't remember the last time she was lost in those eyes. Those bright blue eyes that tattler Arizona's true feelings.
She wanted nothing more than to swoop Arizona into her arms and fix everything for her, but she knew it wasn't her place. She knew that just below Arizona's put together exterior was someone freaking out. She knew how Arizona would melt into her and let her walls down when she would've been the person she would turn to. Arizona was strong but Callie had a hard time letting go of taking care of her.
"Go get 'em, cowgirl." Callie smirked.
Walking into a new OR, Arizona was a little hesitant but chose to focus mainly on the case in front of her. She took a deep breath, pulled up her mask and walked up to the beside of her sleepy patient. Callie stood at the doorway watching Arizona intently.
"Hi Elizabeth," Arizona greeted, pulling up the young mother's chart and flipping through it. "I'm Dr. Robbins, I'm going to be performing your surgery today, okay?" She said in a calming voice.
The woman nodded stiffly, an anesthesiologist Arizona was unfamiliar with beginning fiddling with her IV over her blood stained arm.
"Dr. Robbins." Elizabeth called. She reached out and grabbed Arizona's hand in hers. "If it comes down to it–"
"Nope." Arizona shook her head. "We're not going there." She said confidently, shaking her head. She was used to this. She was used to women begging to save the life of their unborn child over the life of her own. She even dealt with that with her own family.
"Please, Doctor." She begged through tears. "If it comes down to it," she held up a finger to halt Arizona from rebuking her again. "Save her life, not mine."
"That's not going to happen." Arizona said matter-of-factly.
Elizabeth opened her mouth in worry.
"That's not going to happen because what's going to save you is what is going to save your baby." Arizona reassured her.
Elizabeth sighed softly in relief. Callie echoed with a similar timbre from the doorway. If she just squeezed her eyes shut she could imagine it was her in that same position, with Arizona there to comfort her.
After a few more moments explaining the case to her patient, Arizona made her way to the scrub room.
"Are you still following me?" She asked Callie as she began to scrub in.
"Maybe." Callie smirked, but behind that facade was evident worry. Arizona saw right through.
Arizona knew those sad eyes were staring at her every move as she scrubbed each knuckle. She couldn't deal with that right now. She couldn't shoulder the weight of the surgery before her as well as the emotional response to a car crash of both her own and Callie's. She had to ignore that part entirely for the sake of not only her patient, but her own sanity.
"You've got this, Arizona." Callie said.
Arizona bit her lip slightly. She didn't need this right now and Callie's attempt at reassurance honestly just freaked her out more. She knew Callie saw herself in that young woman strapped down on the table, but she could not take the pressure of managing two patients at once, one being her ex-wife who left her.
"Thanks." Arizona said shortly before she held her arms up awkwardly and made her way into the OR.
Callie soon made herself home in Arizona's gallery, softly smiling the whole time as she watched Arizona's careful hands. She knew those hands, she knew the technicality Arizona possessed and the brilliant surgeon she was. A small fuzzy feeling in her chest seeing her in her own scrub cab. There was something that always warmed her heart seeing Arizona in her own clothes, but in this scenario, she knew that that piece of fabric on Arizona's head was giving her comfort.
It was a few hours of rocky surgery as Arizona fought tooth and nail for her patient. But once her patient was stable, she took a half a step back away from the table and let out a sigh of relief. She looked up into the gallery and Callie smiled softly at her. God, she was grateful for that at this moment. The smile she saw in her eyes that shined so brightly under the surgical lights. Callie saw how hard Arizona's chest heaved, she knew the sense of relief she felt and simultaneously felt a surge of pride. Everyone around her was awed, they always were with Arizona, everyone watching in amazement, and Callie felt so proud.
Callie squeezed her eyes shut. Part of her felt irked, but she wasn't sure why, or rather she didn't want to label it. She remembered feeling that Arizona's fellowship was ruining their relationship and their family. She remembered using Arizona's obligations as a fetal surgeon against her in court. But the irk she was feeling wasn't aimed toward Arizona anymore. She was pissed at herself. How could she have been so wrong about everything? Seeing Arizona here in the OR, single handedly saving the lives of a mother and daughter that so eerily resembled her own family. Arizona was a hero, she knew how the family would react, how much praise they would shower her with, which grew to bother Callie once they separated. She wished everyone stopped acknowledging Arizona's experiences and maybe they would shrink just a little, but in this moment, she wanted everyone to look at her ex-wife and realize the magic she just performed.
It was when Arizona looked up at the gallery for a second time that she realized her eyes were wet, she tried nonchalantly wiping a few away but her sniffling sold her out to the rest of the gallery. It was as if her thoughts were written all around her and her mere presence sold out every thing she felt guilty for. After every awful thing Callie had thought of Arizona, she was here now in New York because of her and was elbow deep into a woman's abdomen. Her chest panged at the sheer guilt she felt when simultaneously, Arizona's lungs let out a deep sigh of relief.
Arizona sighed, pushing the door to Callie's office open.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Callie asked, looking up from her couch with a stack of papers in her lap. Arizona had taken some time to decompress after her surgery and Callie wanted to give her the space she needed.
Arizona held up a finger as if to pause her. She took another deep breath, before she walked up to the couch and plopped herself down next to Callie. She let the silence linger, letting the air fill with heaviness as Arizona tried to steady her racing breath. She squeezed her eyes tightly, trying to hold back any tears.
Callie watched patiently. Examining Arizona's silhouette as she breathed heavily. She reached up and held the back of her head in her hands before gently untying her scrub cap and holding it tightly in her hand. She felt guilty for her own thoughts she entertained many moons ago. She felt a raw need to make it all better.
"Do you think he asked her to marry him?" Arizona asked morbidly. Her tone was flat and her eyeline was glued to the wall across from Callie's small couch. She refused to look over at her ex-wife.
Callie sat there quietly, watching as the gears turned in Arizona's eyes. She knew it was just a matter of time before everything hit Arizona. It was a surprise to herself how much it affected Arizona. She had dealt with countless maternal fetal trauma cases since Callie had left for NYC and although it always was a bit more sensitive than her other cases, she was generally able to push those worries away and not bring her emotions to the OR table. But today, with Callie in her gallery, with her daughter down the street, and everything she had been through to get to this point, it felt differently. This clean slate city and OR where she didn't in the back of her mind feel the fear of seeing the love of her life or her precious child on the table, was tainted.
Arizona sighed and tried to nonchalantly wipe a tear from her eye. She swallowed a whimper. She let herself feel. She let herself feel heartbroken and grateful, allowing herself the space to be sad.
They sat in complete silence except for Arziona's sniffles every now and then for several moments.
Callie just sat there next to her, letting Arizona be sad and vulnerable and not wanting to push it.
"I'm just glad they're both okay."
"And they are." Callie cooed. "You saved both of them."
Arizona looked up in an attempt to fight off the tears. She fidgeted with her hands.
"Hey." Callie said softly, reaching out and holding her hand still. Her hand was warm and smooth. It was familiar and safe, just enough so that Arizona let her hand relax into Callie's.
Arizona kept looking forward but was so grateful for Callie's presence.
Arizona squeezed Callie's hand tightly before releasing it. "I'm glad you're okay." She squeaked quietly.
"I am okay, Arizona." Callie cooed. She hoped the repetition would be soothing.
Arizona took another deep breath. "You're okay." Arizona whispered.
She stood up abruptly, sighing loud and wiping at her drying eyes.
"I'm okay." She tried to say before Callie tried to jump in further to help. She looked over to Callie reluctantly.
"Let's go get our girl and go home." Callie suggested.
Arizona laughed politely. "Yeah?" Arizona asked meekly, instantly insecure about how small she sounded. She laughed.
They had just made it into the hallway when a grumbly male voice interrupted them.
"Dr. Robbins." Chief Paulson called out to Arizona, she wiped at her eye slightly, trying to make sure her cheeks were dry and weren't going to sell her out for having just teared up in the presence of her ex-wife.
"Dr. Paulson." Arizona said shakily, still a little jumbled.
"It would be an honor to have you on staff while we search for a new head of our fetal surgery department."
Arizona smiled politely. "Thank you, uh sir." She said awkwardly.
"Dr. Torres here was rather persistent."
"Oh she was?" Arizona smirked at Callie to which Callie rolled her eyes.
"Yes, indeed. I'll have HR send you some paperwork, but other than that you should be all clear to start your interim position." He smiled. "Welcome to the team, Dr. Robbins."
Arizona pouted and raised an eyebrow to Callie. "You were persistent?" They began their way to the elevator to get to the parking garage.
Callie laughed stiffly. "I just got him to clear you."
"Did you tell him who I am?" She asked after a moment.
Callie pouted. "I might've mentioned the whole world-class fetal surgeon thing." She said softly.
Arizona gave Callie a suspicious look. "Did you conveniently leave out the ex-wife part?"
Callie shrugged cartoonishly. "You know, sometimes I forget about that part."
Arizona stared at Callie, that smirk was going to be the death of her.
About an hour later Callie and Arizona had picked up Sofia from camp and were around Callie's kitchen table.
"Oh you are so going down." Arizona smirked. They were about to begin a game of guessing who or what they were.
Callie raised her eyebrow and leaned into Sofia. She shared a look with her daughter. "No way." She shook her head dramatically. "Right, Sof?"
Sofia nodded smuggly before a giant smile came across her face.
"Mama's going down." Callie said smugly, she reached out and fist bumped Sofia.
"Definitely." Sofia nodded before breaking out into giggles.
At once they all placed their makeshift cards or rather sticky notes, on their faces. Sofia broke out in giggles as she pointed at Arizona's card.
"What is so funny, you?" Arizona asked, paranoid with a growing smirk on her face. Callie joined in giggling at Arizona's forehead, written "PANTS" in all caps in a cryptic looking handwriting.
"Okay, Sof, do you want to go first?" Callie asked after her laughter died down.
"Am I a food?" Sofia asked to which her mothers both shook their heads, her forehead donned with a much neater handwriting of Arizona's in a purple pen reading "Bunny."
"Uh, am I alive?" Arizona asked.
"No." Callie exaggerated shaking her head.
"Definitely not." Sofia added with a smirk.
"Am I bigger than a refrigerator?" Callie asked.
Arizona and Sofia shook their heads synchronously, staring at Callie's card that read "apple."
"Am I alive?" Sofia asked. Callie nodded.
"Copier!" Arizona leaned over and briefly tickled Sofia's sides.
"Hey!" Sofia giggled.
"It's called strategy." Callie said smugly, backing up their daughter.
"That's right." Sofia smirked, crossing her arms firmly over her chest.
"Fine." Arizona said grumpily. "Am I a food?"
"You copied me!" Sofia exclaimed through a laugh.
Arizona shrugged before breaking out into a giggle. "Oops." She said with mock sincerity.
"I would not eat that." Sofia shrugged.
"Yeah." Callie shook her head. "That would not be a good idea."
They continued taking turns asking questions, getting painfully close, bringing out Arizona's competitiveness.
"Am I a rabbit?" Sofia asked.
"No." Arizona said matter-of-factly.
Callie squinted at Arizona.
"The card does not say rabbit!" Arizona exclaimed, waving her arms around.
Callie laughed at Arizona although Sofia just pouted out of frustration being left out.
"Am I pants?" Arizona asked, gritting her teeth and tensing her hands out of excitement, she could taste victory.
"Yeah." Sofia and Callie groaned simultaneously.
"Yes!" Arizona cheered, pulling her sticky note off her forehead. "Ha ha!" She taunted.
Sofia pulled her sticky note off her own forehead. "Bunny?" She exclaimed. Her eyes widened. "I said that!"
"Uh, no." Arizona held up a finger. "You said rabbit, your card says bunny."
"Are you kidding me?" Sofia threw her arms up in the arm.
"Yeah, come on, Arizona, it's close enough." Callie defended.
"It was not the same!" Arizona defended.
Callie laughed while her ex-wife and daughter practically had a pout off.
After laughing for a few minutes straight, their lungs felt tired, but what was left was giant smiles on all of their faces.
"I like when we're all together." Sofia smiled between her mothers.
"Me too." Callie smiled at Sofia and then Arizona. Placing a kiss on the top of Sofia's head and squeezing her within her arms.
"Except when Mama tries to stop me from winning."
"You didn't win!" Arizona whined.
"I would've!" She pouted.
"You're just mad I won." Arizona smirked childishly.
Sofia and Callie chuckled.
Arizona was completely wiped, completely drained emotionally and physically. Her stump was sore and a headache lingered still from her raging hangover earlier. She had moved today yet here she was with the people who felt the most like home.
