XXX Chapter 15: The Shock

Happy Birthday to Janus!

. I guess his gift is pain?

XXX

They hadn't been expecting anything to have changed when they went to visit the Dark Side again. Janus's door had disappeared about two months ago, and even though they were hoping he'd be back soon, Janus had been gone so long by that point that they had gotten used to nothing changing. Even then, they thought that, when Janus returned, they would find him asleep in his room.

They hadn't expected to find him standing in the kitchen and making coffee as if nothing had happened.

And now, Virgil was sitting with Janus on the couch as the other side just stared off into space. He'd taken the coffee mug out of the other man's hands and led him over to sit just in case he started to tip over. He hadn't tried to fight him, but Virgil kind of wished he had, even if it was just a verbal protest or something. But no, Janus didn't even seem to register what he was doing.

Apparently, Janus didn't remember what happened, which was strange considering neither he nor Remus had trouble remembering what happened when they died before. Maybe it was because of his head wound? Regardless of why, though, Janus had gone quiet almost as soon as he heard him. He was pretty sure Janus wasn't just ignoring him- no, if he had to guess, Janus was dissociating or something.

"Jan, hey, you're okay," Virgil tried, hoping that Janus might be able to hear him. "You're gonna be okay."

Hesitantly, Virgil reached out and tried to grasp his gloved hands, squeezing lightly, but he dropped them almost immediately as Janus let out a sharp gasp. For a second, Virgil thought Janus was present again, but he was still just staring.

Not knowing what else to do right then, Virgil continued to speak softly to him, mostly just rambling varying versions of telling Janus he would be okay (even if he wasn't so sure how true that was).

He wasn't sure exactly how much time it took for the others to get there, but he was sure it couldn't have been long. Logan rushed into the room first, Thomas coming in right behind him. In the long minute the two of them stared in shock, Patton returned with the twins.

And Remus rushed forward.

XXX

Something wrapped itself around him, squeezing tightly, and he tried to jerk away automatically. Whatever was holding him, however, was gripping him too strongly for him to break free, and he didn't have the energy to keep trying. And so, he allowed his body to slump forward into the figure before him. Familiar words rumbled out of their chest, something he knew, but he couldn't quite place the voice.

He knew this, he knew them, he should know.

There were other voices, similar to the first one but different enough that he was pretty sure there were other people there, though he wasn't sure of the exact number.

Did he know these voices, too? He was pretty sure he did.

He was sitting somewhere. Someone was hugging him. There were other people standing around the room. They were talking.

He was falling.

He wasn't.

He was hurt.

He wasn't.

He was dead.

He wasn't.

And suddenly, like the final piece of an incomplete puzzle, something clicked into place.

Janus blinked.

He was leaning into someone's chest, the fabric consisting of black and green, a lime-colored sash brushing against his cheek. He knew this, he knew him.

"Remus?"

His voice sounded weak and vulnerable, and if things were normal, he would have never let anyone hear him use that tone. But things weren't normal, now were they? He was remembering what happened, remembering how he'd walked and walked, how he sat down at the edge of a cliff, remembering how he fell off.

He was dead.

The fall must have killed him.

How long had he been gone? Fuck, what happened to Thomas?! If he was actually dead, there's no way Thomas wouldn't have been affected.

"I'm here, Dee…," Remus spoke gently, too gently. "We're here, okay? I got you…"

Janus wanted to melt into Remus's embrace. He wanted to just curl up and block everything out until he felt better. He wanted to accept the comfort he so rarely allowed himself, let Remus see past the walls that he was too tired to keep up anymore. But he was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that everyone was looking at him.

And so, he pulled back, putting his hands up to indicate that Remus should let him go. His hands were shaking, so the second Remus (reluctantly) released him, he lowered his hands back to his lap and clenched his fists.

There was a long, heavy silence, and Janus took advantage of it to steady himself.

He was fine. Nothing was wrong, at least, not anymore.

"Deceit? Are you okay?"

Janus looked up. Patton. Right, he was there.

.

.

.

They were all there.

Aside from Remus in front of him, Virgil was sitting close by on the couch. Thomas stood with Logan, Patton, and Roman near the doorway. And all of them were looking straight at him.

All the other sides, and Thomas- Thomas, who really didn't look so great. Actually, none of them looked like they were doing very well. They all had eye bags rivaling Virgil's, and their faces looked pale and drained. Thomas looked so tired and sad, and Janus was willing to bet he hadn't been taking care of himself. Logan's tie wasn't tied quite right, the knot too loose and the tie itself crooked. Patton's eyes were rimmed with red, and he was actually wearing his cardigan instead of having it tied around his shoulders, as if he was trying to comfort himself with the thick fabric. Roman's hair was disheveled and his outfit was creased, and considering how much pride Roman usually took in his appearance, even these small changes were concerning. Virgil always looked anxious, but he looked even worse now. His eyeshadow was thick and dark, framing his wide eyes, and he had apparently been fiddling with his hoodie so much that the sleeves were starting to fray at the edges. His lips were bitten and chapped, and if he wasn't staring at Janus so intensely, his gaze would probably be flicking back and forth to each corner of the room.

Then, there was Remus, and Remus looked the worst out of all of them. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and his own makeup had clearly been smeared down his face many times by tears and hadn't been cleaned up. His hair was tangled up and knotted in a way that Janus knew wasn't because he wanted it to be. Looking at the other man's clothes, Janus could also tell that he'd been spending a lot of time fighting monsters in the Imagination- there were rips and tears in the fabric, and muddy-red stains dotted the green parts (and likely the black parts as well).

Frankly, everyone looked like a mess, and maybe he did as well, but why did they all look like this? If it was just Remus, he'd think it was worry, but they were all in a state of disarray. Why did it look like they weren't properly taking care of themselves?

.

.

.

Oh.

Maybe they weren't.

Self-care was Janus's job, and he had been dead.

"How long was I gone?"

They just stared at him, and not wanting to deal with a repeat of what happened with Patton and Virgil, he repeated his question more firmly.

"How long was I gone?"

It was Virgil who answered.

"About 8 months total," he sighed. "You were only… well, gone gone for about 2, though…"

Janus blinked.

"WHAT."

He was gone for eight months?! Why was he gone so long? Even when Remus died in the Imagination before, he was usually back within a few weeks.

"After… the incident…," Logan spoke up to explain. "You were unconscious for about 6 months. Then… You've been dead for about 2 months."

Logan looked uncomfortable, and Janus got the distinct impression that there was something they weren't telling him. He, however, decided to put that aside for the moment. He'd been completely gone from the Mindscape for two months, and that was a problem- a big problem. Sure, Thomas might be able to get by without lying for that long (even if it would be difficult), but without the major components of his self-preservation, self-care, and selfishness, there was a good chance that Thomas was far worse than 'not looking so great.'

"Fuck- I- Thomas, are you alright?"

This was all his fault. If he hadn't been an idiot (if he wasn't like this), then he never would have fallen off that cliff, and Thomas wouldn't be suffering for it. Sure, he was petty and angry, and he'd stepped back from a lot of his duties, but he hadn't ever intended to leave Thomas without his influence at all.

He saw Thomas's face shift to surprise.

"Oh! Um…," Thomas stumbled. "Well… I'm… not so great right now, but the others have been helping a lot… Honestly, though, that's not important right now."

Not important? Of course it's important!

"I mean, you just got back, and… I kinda think we need to talk?"

Again, Janus felt like he was missing something. What did they need to talk about, if not how what happened had affected Thomas?

"About what, then?" he voiced aloud.

By now, Janus was expecting the brief silence.

"ARE YOU-"

"Dee," Remus cut Virgil off. "You tried to kill yourself- you kinda did. That… That's something we need to talk about!"

Janus felt himself freeze.

Remus thought he had killed himself on purpose? Did they all think that? He'd been trying to act like he was fine around Remus, but Remus must have figured out that there was something wrong with him (Remus wasn't that oblivious, after all). But just how badly had he been hiding his issues if Remus just assumed he'd tried to kill himself? Granted, he'd hidden himself in his room for a while, and he had likely been behaving differently, but just how obvious was he?

He held up a hand, relieved to see that he was managing to suppress the shakiness now, at least.

"Hold on," he commanded. "I did not try to kill myself."

This time, instead of silence, he was met with the overlapping voices of Virgil, Remus, and Roman, and he didn't understand what any of them actually said. Eventually, most of them stopped, but Roman tried again.

"Deceit, we saw you!" Roman insisted. "Remus and I- We found you at the bottom of that cliff! And you- you just didn't get better, and we- You died!"

"I'm aware," Janus huffed. "But I didn't kill myself. It was an accident."

"An accident…?"

"Yes," Janus insisted, crossing his arms. "I-I was taking a walk, and I fell."

"You were taking a walk?" Roman asked. "At the edge of the Imagination?"

Janus shrugged.

"Apparently."

"Apparently?!"

"I didn't know it was the edge of the Imagination, Roman!" Janus spat, getting annoyed with the other man's disbelief. "I was just taking a walk, and I ended up there!"

"You just randomly spent hours walking to a cliff?!"

"I didn't know there was a cliff there!"

"H-Hey, Kiddos, maybe now isn't the best time to argue-"

"Why don't you believe me?!" Janus continued anyway. "Because I'm Deceit?"

Janus was angry, now. How dare they start accusing him like this? It really had been an accident- after all, out of all of them, wouldn't he himself know best what his intentions were? He hadn't fallen on purpose (even if the thought may have crossed his mind). He'd died, and now, he was already being accused of things within a few hours of returning. And for what? Were they all mad that he supposedly killed himself? Did they think he just did it to fuck with them? Did they think he was so petty that he would die just to bother them and mess up Thomas's life?

It wasn't fair. Janus had been slacking off, yes, and he was angry, but he wouldn't hurt Thomas like that. And he was tired of everyone always seeing him as the villain and seeing the worst in his every action.

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, but he willed them away with his anger. He wasn't sad. He wouldn't let himself be sad, not in front of them.

To his surprise, however, no one agreed with his question. Instead, he saw Patton shaking his head.

"No, Deceit, Kiddo…," Patton denied. "We… Logan and I, we… we saw your arms. When we were trying to treat your wounds…"

His arms?

His arms.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Wasn't this just another great development?

They knew. They saw. And it wasn't just Patton and Logan, was it? No, they all had to know, and even if they somehow didn't, they most certainly did now.

Without another word, Janus stood from the couch and tried to walk away, tried to leave. He, however, was almost immediately stopped by a hand gripping his own.

Remus.

"Dee, please…," the man spoke, his voice so soft it was almost a whisper. "I-I know you don't want to talk about this, I know you want to keep your secrets… But this is important. You need help, and I-I can't help you by myself. We need to talk about this, together."

Together.

Together, together, together. What did together mean when the Mindscape was separated into halves? What did it mean when there was only one person in the room Deceit trusted even a little? How could they do anything together, let alone try to figure out the mess Janus had become, when they didn't even want him around? Perhaps his death had proven that his existence was necessary to the others, forced them to understand something they had refused to understand their entire lives, but in the end, that didn't mean much. He wasn't going to let them try to slap a few pieces of tape on him so they could shove him back into the closet, so he could be forgotten about without worrying that he'd fall apart again.

He wasn't going to do it.

And so, he looked his only friend in the eyes, watched the blackened tears stream down the man's cheeks, and shook his head.

Then, he pulled his hand away, and before anyone could stop him, he sunk out.

XXX