XXX Chapter 16: The Truth

Remus watched Janus sink out, and he felt his heart sink along with him.

Fuck, this wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go. Of course, he hadn't expected it to go well, considering that he knew Janus, but he was hoping that their first conversation after he came back could have at least been a bit less strained.

"Dude, did you have to argue with him?" Virgil sighed.

"I wasn't trying to!" Roman replied, his voice sounding somewhat distressed. "I just- I don't know…"

Remus stood from where he had been kneeling in front of the couch.

"I need to go talk to him," he announced. "Alone."

He saw Virgil open his mouth to say something and continued speaking before he could.

"No. I-I think that it would be better for the two of us to talk before trying to have a big group discussion again," Remus insisted. "I know you guys want to talk to him, too, but… He doesn't know anything that happened while he was gone. The last time he saw any of you was the trial. I don't think he'll listen to you guys, especially without fighting. And I really don't think fighting is what he needs right now. So I think I should try to talk to him, and we'll figure it out from there."

He was worried that the others would try to fight him on this, insist on trying to help even though they couldn't help quite yet, but he saw Thomas give him a nod. And to them, Thomas's word held much more weight than Remus's.

"Okay, that makes sense," the man agreed. "We… might've rushed into this a bit. He might need some time to process things without putting his guard up. Call us if you need us, alright?"

Remus felt himself untense a bit, not even having realized he was physically preparing the expected fight.

Without wasting any more time, he left to go talk to his friend.

XXX

Janus sat on his bed, his surroundings far cleaner than they should have been, considering the state he'd left the room in. Had the others cleaned it up, or did it get cleaned up after his door faded? Whatever. It's not like it really mattered, now did it? They all knew enough about his mental state that some dust really wasn't the worst thing in comparison.

His body felt tense, and despite his best efforts, he could feel the trembling return to his limbs. He felt exposed, like the stuffing in a threadbare stuffed animal, his seams coming apart and his insides spilling out for the world to see, fabric too thin and frayed to be repaired.

They knew far too much. Deceit thrived on secrets, lived in the shadows. Hiding was a part of his very core, and he hated it when his business was revealed without himself intending for it to be. They were his secrets, so he should be the one to decide when and if they would ever come to light. But now, a stupid mistake had revealed one that he'd never intended to share, and to make things worse, that secret had led the others to an incorrect conclusion and given them all another reason to villainize him.

What was he supposed to do? He couldn't take this back- he couldn't take any of this back. It was far past the point where he could make them forget, and he doubted that any attempts to convince them that they were wrong would work. They didn't even believe him when he was telling the truth, so how would he convince them that his obviously self-inflicted wounds were something else? And who knew exactly what Remus had told them.

In short, he was screwed. He didn't know just how screwed, or what that would mean, but the dread curling in his stomach told him it would be nothing good.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door.

"Jan? It's-It's Remus," the voice spoke. "Are you okay?"

He didn't answer, though he wasn't sure he could if he wanted to.

"Janny, please… It's just me out here, okay? The others are going to leave you be for a bit," Remus continued. "But I-I need to make sure you're okay…"

He could hear the wobble in the other side's voice, the unfortunate indication that he was still crying. He hated when Remus cried. He cried so rarely that, when he did, Janus knew that he was really upset.

"Please, don't lock yourself away again…," Remus begged. "I-I can't stand it. Janus, you've been gone so long, and I… I can't do this again, Jan. I really can't. I feel like I haven't seen you in years… Even before, you haven't been yourself in so long, and I can't- I can't lose you again… Please…"

He could feel his heart clench as the guilt coiled around it, a serpent whispering in his ear that he was fucking up again. Remus was standing outside his door, begging him to open it, to let him in. The image of Remus kneeling before him, looking as if he himself was having a crisis of his own, was brought to the forefront of his mind. And that was Janus's fault.

So, despite the lead that filled his bones, Janus stood from the bed and unlocked the door. He didn't even have time to open it before Remus opened it himself, and he quickly found himself enveloped within Remus's arms for the second time that day.

"… I missed you, Jan… I really missed you…"

In that moment, Janus couldn't hold back his tears any longer. He melted into the embrace and let out a short sob. Remus muttered something he couldn't quite comprehend before he heard the door get kicked shut. Then, Remus guided him over to the bed to sit down.

The two of them sat there, wrapped in each other's arms, and cried. Janus cried with choked sobs and harsh gasps as he was overwhelmed with the weight of everything that had happened, while Remus cried more quietly, desperately trying to convince himself that Janus was still there, that he was actually back.

But slowly, their eyes grew dry. Things were far from okay, but one could only cry so much before they run out of tears. Even still, Janus clung tightly onto Remus's shirt for a long time before reluctantly releasing his grip and sitting back. Remus let his hands slide away from his back and move to hold his hands.

"Janus, I'm sorry," he said again, his voice sad. "I-I should have helped you sooner. I thought you were getting better, so I just… I just didn't do anything, and now…"

Janus frowned at him.

"Remus, I really wasn't trying to kill myself. It was an accident."

"It doesn't matter!" the creative side exclaimed. "You're still- You're still hurting, and I shouldn't have ignored that! I should have tried harder!"

Again, the serpent tightened around his heart.

"Remus, of all people, this isn't your fault," he tried. "I just… I don't know what to do anymore. I just… I don't."

His words were getting tangled up in his mouth, like strands of thread tangling themselves, the knots only getting worse as he tried to tease them apart. Even with Remus, he couldn't just speak candidly. He was Deceit, he didn't do candid, even when the situation desperately called for it.

He clenched his fists, grasping onto the fabric of his own pants.

"… Were you telling the truth before?" Remus asked. "Were you… You weren't trying to kill yourself?"

He sighed, knowing that Remus wanted to believe him, but likely thought that he was lying for that very reason.

"I… No. I wasn't."

"Then what happened, DeeDee?"

His hands gripped the sheets beneath them. He knew he would have to explain himself, at least somewhat, or Remus would think he was lying. And usually, he wouldn't care, but this was not a situation he wanted to be misunderstood.

"I… I-I don't know, Remus," Janus responded, his words shaky. "I just… I don't know- I couldn't- I just started walking, and I didn't stop. I don't even know why, I just did, and I ended up in Roman's side of the Imagination, and then I ended up at that cliff. And I just- I was just sitting there and looking, but when I tried to get up… I-I fell…"

He knew Remus could tell that wasn't really the whole story, but the whole story was jumbled and confusing to him, and he himself wasn't entirely sure what happened, so he didn't know if he'd be able to properly convey it to Remus if he tried.

"You were just walking?" Remus asked. "Jan, you must… you must have been walking for hours to get there. It took us a while, and the two of us can practically teleport in the Imagination."

"I-I haven't the faintest idea of how long I was walking," Janus chuckled dryly. "I just… was."

Remus made a concerned face.

"Janus," he started. "I thought you were getting better for a while, but… even if you weren't trying to kill yourself, I'm still worried about you, you know? I-I didn't realize it, but you must have spent a few months locked in your room. At least, that's what the other told me after I explained what happened. And you're hurting yourself… Just… Even if that's not what you were doing at the cliff, do you feel like that sometimes? Like you want to die?"

He paused, long enough to collect his thoughts but not long enough for Deceit to come up with a response.

"I… I need to make sure you're safe."

"Remus, I wasn't trying to kill myself!"

"I know! But that doesn't mean you don't think about it!"

Remus took a shaky breath in.

"Do you?"

Janus looked away, focusing his gaze on a small chip in the wall's paint.

"There's no point," Janus sighed. "I'd just come back. I did come back."

Remus's voice was quiet as he asked his next question:

"Is that the only reason you don't?"

This time, the serpent's fangs pierced the walls of his heart, digging in and drawing blood so it could well up in crimson pools within his chest. The pain let him force out the truth from his uncooperative lips.

"Sometimes. Not always," Janus admitted. "It's… It's complicated, Remus… Sometimes I don't because of how it would affect Thomas, or how it would affect you, or because I'm scared, or sometimes just because I'm too tired to do anything. And it's not- It's not like I'm always thinking about things like that… It's just…"

Janus shook his head.

"Well, I suppose it's a good thing that I tend to have those thoughts more when I'm too tired to do anything about them."

He punctuated the sentence with a chuckle to try to lighten the weight of what he just said, but the laughter fell flat. He knew it would, but he couldn't help trying.

Remus sighed, running a hand through his knotted hair.

"Okay… Okay," he spoke. "Are you suicidal right now?"

"Not… at this exact moment, no…"

"Were you feeling like that before all this happened? Like, after you left your room?"

Janus grimaced. Before he could even force the words past his lips, the honesty tasted bitter on his tongue.

"…Sometimes."

Remus nodded slowly.

"Okay," he said again. "Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?"

"I don't know, Remus!" Janus spat suddenly, his agitation spiking. "I-I barely know what's going on, let alone what I think right now!"

Remus wilted, shrinking back a bit in a way that made Janus wish he could control himself better. He had to control himself better.

"I know, I'm sorry," he apologized. "I get that this is overwhelming, but I just have to make sure you're safe. I-I don't want you to…"

The anger drained away as he saw tears begin to bead up in the corners of Remus's eyes again.

"I know you're worried," Janus sighed. "But this is hard to talk about, and I don't even… I feel like everything's a mess."

Remus nodded, and Janus took the opportunity to shift the focus away from himself for a moment.

"Did… Did you feel like this, after you came back?" Janus asked.

The other man took a moment to remember, his eyebrows scrunching in concentration.

"I dunno…," he answered. "I think I was a little confused at first, but it went away pretty quickly. But I also usually came back faster than this, so… I don't know. You were… You were still technically alive for a while, but you wouldn't heal, and you wouldn't wake up. You had a really bad head wound, and you just kept getting worse for months, and we…"

Remus paused for a moment.

"It was hard seeing you like that, watching you get worse because nothing we tried was helping."

Janus wasn't sure what to say to that. However, a particular detail had caught his attention.

"… You keep saying 'we'. Am I right in assuming the others were involved in all this?"

The other man nodded.

"Yeah… When I couldn't find you, I made Roman help me look since I eventually figured out you were in his half of the Imagination," he told him. "And after… I couldn't help you by myself, Dee. I needed the others to help. Logan was pretty much your doctor the entire time, and the others came to watch you a lot."

The information surprised him for some reason. Perhaps it shouldn't, since the others were present and clearly aware of the situation, and Janus knew that Thomas was a decent person (which meant his sides were decent enough as well), and they wouldn't just ignore someone who was hurt that badly. But at the same time, he still had trouble believing it.

He didn't want to think about it, so he pushed it away to contemplate later.

"So, what happened then?" Janus questioned. "I died eventually, right? So, did I just get worse until… I don't know, as hypocritical as it might be of me, I hate feeling like I'm out of the loop."

He didn't know how to feel when Remus shook his head.

"No… No, you didn't..."

Remus fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry."

A red flag shot up in Janus's mind.

"… Why?"

"Because…," Remus hesitated. "I didn't know what else to do. You weren't getting better at all; you were just getting worse and worse… You were dying, but it was happening so slowly… We decided that it was better to…"

Realization hit him, much gentler than it maybe should have.

"Ah."

Remus fidgeted, looking almost regretful.

"Are you mad? I thought you would rather come back sooner instead of just… being unconscious for however many more months before you died on your own."

"No, you were right," Janus huffed. "I don't imagine the Lights were too keen on the idea of mercy killing, though."

"Eh, kind of," Remus replied. "Logan thought that was the best thing to do because he was the one treating you, and I think Virgil knew what you wanted, or at least, he knew I would kind of know… Patton ended up agreeing easier than I thought he would… He said he didn't want you to suffer if you didn't have to…"

"Wait. Patton- Morality- agreed to killing me?!"

"Since it was temporary and for the sake of helping you, yeah."

Janus found himself staring blankly for a moment as he tried to wrap his mind around such out-of-character behavior.

"Huh."

"Yeah… Roman's the one who was the most against it, actually. At first, I think he just ended up agreeing because he was outnumbered."

Silently, Janus couldn't help but wonder if Roman being against it was a good or bad thing.

"… What did Thomas think?"

Remus shifted.

"Uh, well… He did agree sorta, but… We kinda forgot to include him in the original conversation about it and had to talk to him after?"

It was that detail that shocked Deceit the most in this segment of the conversation, even more than Morality agreeing to a mercy killing.

"What?! Remus, I'm part of his personality!"

"I know! But I-I wasn't really thinking about that too much at the time, ya know? So…"

Janus sighed and rubbed his temples. Remus wasn't the most logical of sides at the best of times (after all, it literally wasn't his job to be), and he had most definitely been under a great deal of stress at the time. Plus, beyond that, the flipside of Thomas either not knowing about or not liking his Dark Sides meant that they were less likely to consider discussing things with Thomas in the first place. Their roles in the shadows typically meant doing things without the man's direct input, so he couldn't exactly get mad at Remus for how he handled that conversation.

His hands settled down to rest in his lap, trying to look as neutral as possible.

"Alright. So, how exactly did I die, then?"

Remus's face changed to an indecipherable expression.

"Roman and I… made a special poison together. Something that would kill you without doing more damage…"

Janus nodded, expecting Remus to continue. When he didn't, Janus realized the ending of the story would require some level of prompting.

"I assume someone had to give me the poison."

"… Yeah."

Remus was hesitant. For him, that was never good.

"Who? I'd rather know."

"Well…"

"Did you do it? I don't think the others would be as keen to actively participate as they were to agree to doing it."

Based on his hesitance, as well as their relationship, his best guess was that Remus had done it. Maybe he still wasn't sure if Deceit was angry or not, and he wanted to prolong admitting it in case he was.

But Remus shook his head.

"No…," he denied. "I was supposed to do it. Or, I thought I was, and we didn't really discuss it before or anything… I-I thought it would be better, since you wouldn't think I was just doing it for revenge or something…"

Janus nodded. He did already feel a niggling suspicion even at hearing it wasn't Remus.

"But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't…," he continued. "I'm sorry, Jan…"

Janus took in a deep breath.

"Well, who did, then? Logan?"

Remus shook his head again, but this time, he remained quiet.

"Just tell me Remus," Janus sighed. "There's not exactly a lot of options for who it could have been."

He took another long moment before he spoke.

"Roman did," he admitted.

Janus blinked.

"Even though he was opposed to doing it in the first place?"

"Yeah… I mean, we couldn't let Thomas do it because, you know, that could have gone badly, and Patton's too… And Virgil… And Logan…," Remus stumbled over his words. "I think Roman was trying to keep anyone else from feeling guilty about it or something. Playing the hero again, you know…? And… I think he was trying to keep me from being forced to do it just because I'm usually the one most comfortable with killing and stuff… I don't know, a lot of things happened while you were gone, Dee. I think some of this might make more sense once you get used to it."

"Hm."

Suddenly, Janus was slammed with a wave of exhaustion, accompanied by a pounding in his head (both of which had likely been present for a while now and had just gone unnoticed). He felt his shoulders drooping, and he blinked slowly, which Remus must have picked up on.

"Do you wanna stop talking for now? Or do you want to ask some more questions?"

Janus thought for a second before shaking his head.

"No… I think that's enough for now… I… I need some time to think about all this."

"Okay… Do you want me to leave?"

Janus surprised himself by shaking his head again.

"You want me to stay?"

He couldn't help but notice that Remus looked visibly relieved.

"I might have been alone a bit too long," Janus sighed. "But I think I need to take a nap before I start dealing with all of this. I'm… I'm just so tired."

Remus sighed sadly.

"I know… I know."

XXX