XXX Chapter 22: The Fear
It was sometime in the late afternoon, he thought, when he emerged from his room with the intention to make some coffee. He'd been trying his best to avoid the others for the past two days, ever since he'd had that little spat with Patton. As such, he'd been staying in his room until it was late, which helped to decrease his chances of running into Patton, Roman, and Logan, at least. Aside from Remus, the others hadn't really come to bother him too often, either, usually just popping their heads in quickly to make sure he was present and not dying. He was pretty sure it was because Patton told them something, though he was pretty sure it wasn't the truth- not the whole truth, at least, or else Virgil would have come to yell at him for hurting Patton's feelings by now.
But, Janus needed caffeine, and if he were to be honest, he was getting kind of bored. He wasn't quite depressed enough to be fine with sitting and doing nothing for hours on end, but he also didn't have the energy or attention span to actually do much of anything. So, maybe some caffeine would help enough for him to read or something.
After a few steps, his ears picked up the sound of talking from the kitchen, and his first thought was to turn back and return to his room. He didn't want to see anyone, and he didn't want to talk to them, either. And yet, the sluggish dread that weighed over him was becoming more and more of a hindrance, and he just wanted it to stop.
And so, Janus spent a long minute standing there in the hall, paralyzed between the two decisions. This shouldn't be so difficult. He just wanted to make some coffee. It's not like he was about to give a speech or something. It would be so much easier if he was in his own domain, because then he'd only be likely to run into Remus, but he wasn't home. He was in enemy territory, and it made every decision, every action, harder than it should be- and it wasn't fair. He'd already been having trouble leaving his room when he could emerge into a familiar space, so why did they have to make it even worse for him?
It took him a while, but eventually, he managed to convince himself to continue onward to the kitchen. Who cares if there were already people in there? He wasn't doing anything wrong, and if they tried to pester him, he could just leave again. It was fine. He was fine, he'd be fine.
As he stepped closer, he got a better sense of who was speaking (it was hard to tell sometimes since they did all have the same voice, technically). Roman was talking in a loud, animated voice- and luckily, he sounded happy, so it wasn't like Janus was about to waltz into a fight.
"So there I was, barbecue sauce on my sword-"
He was about to step into the doorway.
"Are you sure it was on your sword?"
He froze.
"Oh, for- Remus that vine is so old!"
Remus?
"You're old!"
The sound of two people laughing echoed out from the kitchen, and unexpectedly, the sound stabbed deep into Janus's chest.
It seemed that Remus was spending time with Roman, chatting with him, laughing with him.
Good. Good, they were actually getting along. He'd already seen hints of that before- this was just a more obvious show of it.
Great. Remus had missed his brother practically since they split, and he'd been wishing he could reconnect with Roman a lot for the past few years.
This was fine. This was fine, and he didn't know why he suddenly felt like this. He didn't know why he wanted to pull Remus away, why he wanted to leave, why he felt tears pricking at the corner of his eyes (he didn't know why he felt so scared).
He tightened his hands into fists and forced himself to take a deep breath. This was a good thing. It was a good thing for Remus to be getting along with the Light Sides, especially his other half. He'd get more input like this, feel more accepted like this- be happier like this. Remus wasn't like Deceit- he was half of Creativity, not some sneaky snake slithering in the shadows. Remus had been shoved into the shadows as if he was the same, but he wasn't- he was just the unfortunate victim of Thomas's upbringing. Remus wasn't made to be rejected, and if he had never been shoved away, he wouldn't have needed to exert influence in the unwelcome ways he was forced to use. He could have been constructive all this time.
He never should have been living in the shadows in the first place, not like Deceit, who thrived most when he wasn't seen (Deceit should have been in the Dark Side alone, not keeping Remus and Virgil from revealing themselves too early).
Remus was going to leave him.
That thought rang throughout his mind, and then his feet were taking him back down the hallway.
Until he crashed into someone a few seconds later.
"Sorry," he mumbled quickly, intending to dodge past without even checking to see who it was until a hand gripped his shoulder.
"Uh, you good dude?" Virgil asked, eyebrow raised.
"Yup. Fine. Bye."
He pushed past Virgil then, pulling his shoulder out of his loose hold easily.
"Hey, wait-"
"Fuck off."
XXX
Virgil stared after Janus's retreating form for a moment before turning back in the direction of the kitchen. He'd been intending to check on him, and he'd almost freaked out when he realized he wasn't in his room (until rationality kicked in and told him he should at least check to make sure he wasn't in the kitchen or living room before concluding he'd disappeared. However, he'd literally run into Janus before even reaching his next destination, and he could immediately tell that something was wrong. Janus wouldn't look at him, just trying to get past him as quickly as he could, and when Virgil tried to stop him, he'd told him to 'fuck off'. Which normally would have made Virgil angry enough to just roll his eyes and pretend Janus didn't exist for the rest of the day, but there was no way he was going to do that right now, not after what happened.
His first thought was to just follow Janus, but he could hear the twins talking in the kitchen, and since that was the direction Janus had just come from, he thought it might be a good idea to ask what happened so he could enter the conversation prepared.
His intentions left him confused as he entered the kitchen to find Roman and Remus chatting as if nothing was wrong, like nothing happened. But something must have happened, right?
"Hello there, Linkin Dark!"
"Yeah, 'sup, Emo?"
"Yeah, hi…," Virgil returned the greeting. "Hey, was Deceit in here?"
The jovial atmosphere immediately soured, the air snapping back to the tense anxiety that had become normal since Deceit's fall.
"No, he wasn't," Roman answered, frowning.
"Is he gone again?!" Remus asked as he quickly stood up, his expression shifting to a frantic anxiety.
"Uh, no, no, I just saw him," Virgil denied, waving his hands. "I just… wasn't sure if he ate lunch, so I was wondering if you guys saw him."
Thankfully, Remus deflated, and he could tell that the wave of anxiety the man had just experienced had diminished.
"Oh. Yeah, no, he hasn't come in since we've been in here, but we only returned from the Imagination about 20 minutes ago," Roman told him. "So he might've eaten earlier, since it's getting kind of late for lunch now."
"Ah, okay then," Virgil nodded. "I should probably go… ask him, then. Make sure he's sticking to Logan's schedule, ya know?"
Before he could leave, Remus shot him a suspicious look.
"Wait, Emo, is something wrong with Dee?" he questioned.
Virgil sighed.
"I don't know. But I'm going to go talk to him, so I'll find out, okay?"
"I should go."
"No, no, you two should keep talking," Virgil denied. "He told me to 'fuck off', so I think he's just pissed at me for something."
In reality, Virgil was aware that he was most likely lying. Janus appeared to be upset before he even noticed Virgil was there, and he'd only cursed at him after Virgil had tried to stop him from running back to his room. He didn't actually have any solid idea on why Janus was upset. But he had a hunch that, despite not entering the room, it had something to do with the two halves of Creativity, and he didn't want to make the problem worse by bringing them along until he understood the situation better. Maybe he'd overheard something, or misunderstood something, or maybe he just hadn't wanted anyone to be in the kitchen. Virgil didn't know. But he wanted to be careful.
"… Fine," Remus agreed begrudgingly. "But try not to start shit with him? I know he's been crabby, but he's not just trying to be an ass."
Silently, Virgil felt a little offended that Remus thought he didn't know that already.
"I'm not gonna fight with him. Or, I'll try not to, at least," Virgil huffed. "I'll see you guys later, 'kay?"
Neither twin stopped him from leaving the room, and Virgil soon found himself in Deceit's doorway. From there, he could hear a small, muffled sniffle which made it clear that Janus was crying.
Fuck.
"Hey, Janus?" Virgil called out as he rapped his knuckles on the door frame. "Seriously, what's up?"
He could hear the other man's breathing hitch.
"What part of 'fuck off' is unclear to you?" Janus replied in a watery voice.
Rolling his eyes, Virgil decided to enter the room, finding Janus curled up in one corner of his bed. He had his legs tucked in towards his chest and was rubbing tears away from his cheeks.
"You're crying."
"Wonderful observation skills, Virgil," Janus drawled. "I suppose pointing out my lack of a door is getting repetitive at this point?"
Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Virgil sighed.
"Why are you crying?"
At this, Janus did roll his eyes.
"What, I'm not allowed to have emotions anymore, either?" Janus spat. "Do tell me what aspects of my life I am allowed to control, why don't you?"
"Huh? Janus, what- Nobody said anything about you having emotions."
He didn't address the second part quite yet, thinking it was just a jab about the door again.
"You literally just questioned why I was crying."
Growing quickly frustrated, Virgil huffed.
"Because I'm asking what's wrong, not telling you that you shouldn't be crying."
Janus grimaced.
"… It doesn't matter. Just leave me alone."
"I kinda think it does matter, considering everything."
With that, the man's grimace turned into a full glare, accentuated by the red-rimmed eye on the human half of his face.
"Fuck you."
Virgil wanted to return the favor and curse back at him, but he knew that wasn't going to get them anywhere. He was already on the brink of breaking his agreement to not fight with Janus, and he knew that it would only take one little spark, one time rising to Janus's bait, for a screaming match to break out between them. So, he decided to pretend that Janus hadn't responded and instead focused on figuring out what to say next.
Janus had apparently been about to enter the kitchen, but never did and instead ran off to cry. Whatever the missing piece was the thing that connected those two, and it was also what would tell Virgil whether there was something else they needed to keep an eye on or something they needed to sort out.
"You were going to the kitchen, right?"
Janus stared at him in annoyance.
"Yes, so?"
"Why didn't you go in?"
He saw the man's eyes dart toward the side.
"I changed my mind."
"Why?"
"Because none of your business," Janus hissed.
"Did Roman say something?" Virgil asked anyway.
He knew that the twins claimed to have not seen Janus, but that didn't mean Janus didn't overhear something.
"No, he didn't," Janus replied, exasperated. "Seriously, would you just drop it? It doesn't matter."
"It does matter because I don't want you to try to hurt yourself over it!" Virgil told him, unable to stop himself from raising his voice.
He watched Janus's face turn to shock for the briefest moment before a bitter resentment overcame it, twisting his features into an enraged snarl.
"Oh, like you fucking care!"
"Janus-"
"No!" the man cut Virgil off. "I'm tired of all of you forcing yourselves into my business! None of you have that right, especially not you!"
Virgil growled.
"Dude, I'm just trying to help you!"
"I don't want your help!"
Before Virgil could even respond, a blur of black and green charged into the room.
"Seriously, Virgil?!" Remus exclaimed. "I thought you said you weren't going to fight with him!"
"I wasn't trying to!" Virgil argued, flinging his arms outward. "But he-"
"Not now," Remus denied. "Just- Can you go?"
And Virgil wanted to argue, wanted to stay and figure out what was going on, but he very suddenly came to a realization. If he stayed, he and Janus would just keep on arguing, and nothing would likely come of it. It would just get Janus even more upset, and in the end, it wouldn't actually help.
"Fine," he eventually sighed.
Neither Remus nor Janus said anything as he left the room, and Virgil didn't pause until he got to the kitchen, where he found Roman still sitting at the table.
"So, I'm guessing that talking to Deceit didn't go so well?" Roman asked.
"Nope."
He threw himself into the chair Remus had previously occupied and let out a huff.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine, Princey," Virgil replied sullenly. "I just wish it was easier to get along with him."
"Tell me about it," Roman agreed. "What were you even fighting about, anyway?"
Virgil pillowed his face in his arms for a minute before answering.
"I guess 'cuz I wouldn't leave when he told me to?" Virgil offered. "Honestly, I don't know what happened… I… I kinda lied a little earlier?"
Roman frowned.
"How so?"
"Well, when I asked you about J-Deceit. I wasn't really going to check if he had eaten anything," explained the anxious side. "When I ran into him in the hall, he looked upset, and I thought he might've fought with you two or something, so that's why I asked. But then you said he hadn't come into the kitchen, and when I went to his room, he was crying, and… I don't know. I was trying not to freak you guys out, but I wanted to make sure he wouldn't do anything, but I think I made it worse."
"Deceit was crying?" Roman questioned.
"Yeah."
"And you didn't find out anything?"
"Nope."
Roman sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Well, maybe he'll talk to Remus," he offered. "I mean, no offense, Virge, but the two of you don't exactly get along on a good day, and he's friends with Remus, so…"
Virgil shifted to lean on one arm.
"Yeah, I know, Princey."
"Actually…," Roman spoke thoughtfully. "He and I don't really get along too well anymore, either… So maybe that had something to do with it? Maybe he was upset and wanted to talk to Remus, but he left when he realized I was already talking to him?"
Virgil thought about it for a second.
"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense," he accepted. "It still doesn't explain what he was upset about in the first place, though."
Roman leaned back in his chair, balancing on two legs.
"Well, it could have been anything, really," the creative side pointed out. "I mean, he's kinda screwed up right now?"
He didn't really know how to respond, so he just shrugged.
"At least he kinda talks to Remus," Roman continued. "I don't really know what we would do if he refused to talk to any of us."
"…I think that's probably part of the problem, though," Virgil said. "First of all, he did stop talking to Remus, when he locked himself in his room. But besides that… I don't know how long things can go on like this. I mean, I get that this kinda makes me a hypocrite, but this probably wouldn't have happened if we all got along better."
Virgil paused, and Roman patiently waited for him to continue.
"I just don't know how to get along with him anymore," Virgil confessed. "Everything between us is so muddled, and we're both still angry about it, so I feel like, even if we tried to sort things out, we'd just end up in another argument like this. And I mean, it's the same thing for you guys, too, right? There's just so much bullshit between everyone that it makes it hard to fix anything because everything else is still there."
Roman nodded.
"I get it," Roman nodded. "I mean, I kinda thought we were almost friends for a while there? And finding out he was just manipulating me hurt, but I feel like now's not the time to get angry about it. Because I've been trying not to be as selfish and self-centered. But I still feel it, so really, I've barely talked to him since he came back. Hell, I've hardly even seen him since he threw up a while ago, and he barely even acknowledged that I was there."
"I don't get why he's so pissed at you," Virgil mused. "Like, he's got a lot more beef with me and Patton."
"I think it's mostly because I made Thomas go to the wedding?" Roman answered, sounding uncertain. "He really wanted Thomas to go to the callback, and I stopped that from happening. And maybe some of the calling him a villain wasn't exactly… appreciated?"
"Okay, yeah, but he manipulated you, so I don't really think he should be ignoring you."
"I don't know if he is, actually?" Roman responded. "He seemed to be kind of out of it when he was throwing up, and otherwise, I think he was just mad in general, so when I stepped into group conversations, he snapped at me. And I've sort of been avoiding him, since, you know, the whole 'hurt feelings' thing."
"Oh."
"And I think… I think he really is just mad at everyone right now," the princely side continued. "I think Logan said something about how he's lashing out?"
Virgil nodded.
"I guess mixing a mental breakdown into years of arguments isn't such a great recipe, huh?"
"Not really, no."
XXX
Remus turned his attention to Janus before Virgil even fully left the room, immediately taking note of the way the man was curled up on the bed, face streaked with tears and hands gripping his own arms. When Janus saw Remus looking at him, his pupils darted away, as if he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have.
"Hey, DeeDee," Remus spoke softly, trying to de-escalate the situation as best as he could, considering that wasn't exactly his forte.
Janus opened his mouth as if he was about to speak but ultimately said nothing. He watched as the anger drained from the other side, the abrupt ending to his argument with Virgil having caught him off-guard. Remus decided to flop onto the bed next to him, getting close without touching until he knew Janus would allow it.
"So, what did Virgin do to make you cry?"
The deceitful side's eyes widened in shock for a moment before he started rubbing at them, the tears soaking into the yellow fabric of his gloves. He looked vaguely annoyed as he did so, and Remus assumed that Janus hadn't wanted them to see him crying.
"I…"
Janus looked like he didn't know what to say. Which was weird, because Remus had expected him to start ranting about whatever it was that Virgil had done so that he and Remus could commiserate about it like they sometimes did before.
"Want me to put tapeworms in his coffee?" Remus tried to offer, hoping that the image would at least make Janus chuckle.
He just shook his head.
"No, he…," Janus started. "He didn't really do anything, I suppose. Not anything new, at least. I just wanted him to stop acting like he…"
Again, Janus trailed off, and Remus didn't have any better of an understanding of what had happened. Janus curled further into himself, shrinking away from Remus and refusing to look at him. And that was concerning, but it made Remus wonder whether Janus would rather be left alone for a while instead of pestered.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Remus offered.
Unexpectedly, the moment the words left his mouth, Janus burst into tears again, his lip wobbling and his face scrunching up. He lifted his hands to cover most of his face and turned slightly away as a short sob released itself from his lips.
"Woah, woah, I can also stay if you want!" Remus tried to correct, waving his hands. "I was just saying I'd go if you wanted me to!"
When Janus didn't respond, instead just letting out another sob, Remus's concern grew, so even though there was a chance he'd make it worse, he wrapped his arms around the sobbing snake in the hopes it would comfort him.
"Hey, it's okay, Jannie. It's okay."
"Please, don't-" Janus spoke softly between sobs. "Please don't leave."
Remus pulled him closer.
"I'm not leaving. See? I'm still here."
"Don't leave."
Janus's breath hitched.
"I won't. I really won't."
He sobbed again.
"Please don't leave me."
These words were whispered so quietly that Remus could barely make them out, but they shot ice into his heart. He had a bad feeling, and the sinking realization that Janus wasn't just talking about that moment made him wonder what, if anything in particular, had set this off.
"Jay, why do you think I would leave you?"
He gasped.
"B-Because I…"
"It's okay, just breathe, okay? Fuck, what were those numbers everyone's always going on about…?" Remus thought for a moment before continuing. "Breathe in for seven?"
He could hear Janus attempting to breathe more deeply, but it just resulted in him choking, the harsh sound crashing into Remus's eardrums.
"I'm sorry!"
The sudden apology caught Remus off-guard.
"What are you apologizing for?"
He didn't want Janus to think he had to apologize for crying, especially not now. He didn't mind getting covered in snot and tears, and he didn't care if this took a while. He wanted to make sure Janus was okay, to give him whatever comfort it was that he needed. This situation wasn't Janus's fault, and he didn't need to feel bad about it.
"Bad."
The one-word answer didn't exactly clarify anything.
"What's bad?" Remus asked. "Are you saying you feel bad?"
Janus shook his head, and Remus silently wished he could at least see the other man's face. After a minute without receiving a response to his question, Remus had figured that Janus just wasn't going to respond at all. But then came another short response, and this one made more sense than the first:
"Me."
That was enough for Remus to fit most of the puzzle pieces in place. Janus was claiming to be 'bad', he'd fought with Virgil, and he was begging Remus not to leave him. This wasn't just a now problem- this was something that had been an issue for years now.
"You're not bad, Jan," Remus insisted, running a hand through the man's loose hair.
"I am."
"You're not."
"Yes, I am, Remus!" Janus argued, voice raising.
At this, Remus frowned further. Janus was being stubborn about this, which probably meant there was a specific reason for his claim.
"Why? Tell me why you think that."
Janus pushed himself away slightly, rubbing his eyes again and staring resolutely down at the sheets.
"B-Because I-I-I made Virgil leave, and I hurt you, and I-" Janus stuttered. "I don't want you to leave me too!"
"I told you I'm not leaving, Jan," Remus repeated.
And if there was already ice in Remus's heart, the next thing Janus said completely froze it over.
"But you should," Janus told him, still gasping between the syllables. "I just don't want you to."
It took Remus a good minute to get over his shock so he could respond.
"I don't… I don't think I understand, Jannie," Remus replied eventually. "Why do you think I should leave, if you don't want me to?"
Janus's hands fell from his face, revealing red-rimmed eyes and flushed cheeks moist with tears. He grabbed onto the sheets with tight fingers and turned his head so he was looking at the wall before he spoke.
"Because I-I. I kept you locked away, and I made it so you couldn't do your job, and I ignored you even though you were trying to help, and I made Virgil leave even though he was your friend too, and I'm too selfish and controlling, and every time I see you talking to the others, I feel like I don't want you to, even if that isn't fair because you should be able to talk to whoever you want, and I know that you've missed Roman, so I shouldn't be a selfish asshole and get upset about it, but I-I am, and I…"
Remus stared at Janus in shock during the entirety of his mini-rant, listening as the words suddenly poured from the other man's mouth. Janus was revealing a lot in that moment, but his mind caught onto the last part as the last piece of the puzzle fell into place.
"Okay, that's… there's a lot to unpack there," Remus spoke, his voice forced into as calm a tone as he could manage. "But… is all this because I was talking to Roman?"
Janus didn't answer, but the tenseness of his shoulders was answer enough. He should have known that Janus would have a hard time seeing him interact with the others. It's not like they were all best buddies or anything, but Remus had gotten a lot closer to them since Janus's fall, especially his brother. They'd had to rely on each other to get through Janus's illness and death, so inevitably, they ended up putting aside some of their past differences. But Janus hadn't been there to witness any of that, so to him, it just felt like Remus had suddenly started to replace him.
"Oh, DeeDee…"
Remus pulled Janus back to him.
"Jan, no matter who else I talk to, I'm never going to leave you," Remus insisted again. "You're my best friend, and no one can change that."
He heard Janus sniffle.
"You shouldn't even have to tell me that," Janus said quietly. "You don't have to justify talking to your brother."
"I know," Remus sighed. "But I also know that Virgil leaving fucked you up. It fucked me up too, so believe me when I say that I get it."
Remus paused to check Janus's reaction, finding that the tears had stopped, at least, and Janus looked a lot more attentive than before.
"And I mean, you know that I should be able to talk to Roman, so you're trying," Remus continued. "That's part of why you're so upset, right? Because you know it's not healthy to stop me."
Janus shrunk a little, prompting Remus to drag him against his chest.
"It's okay, Dee."
"It's not. If I was one of Thomas's friends, I would tell him to cut me off," Janus spoke bitterly. "Dealing with me isn't good for you, Remus."
"Janus," Remus said firmly, letting out a sigh. "Nobody's perfect, and you've been going through a lot for a long time. And I've been the only one you could rely on, so yeah, you're gonna be kinda needy right now. But I don't really care. Honestly, I'd rather have you clinging to my side 24/7 than have you get upset like this."
"I'm sorry."
"I already said it's fine," Remus reassured him. "But you wanna know something?"
Janus hummed in response.
"The reason me and Roman have been getting along lately is really because we've both been worried about you," Remus informed him. "And it's the reason me and Virgil have a truce. So, I'm not saying this was a good thing, because this was probably the worst fucking thing that's happened since the split, but it's definitely changed things. This isn't anything close to what happened with Virgil. The others kinda stopped caring so much about the whole 'Light and Dark sides' thing a while ago. They're not going to make me choose, and even if they did, I would choose you. So you don't have to worry about any of that, okay?"
He heard another sniffle and realized that Janus had started crying again. Despite this, though, he finally returned Remus's hug.
"Okay."
XXX
Yeah, Janus has *Abandonment Issues*…
Right now, he's struggling with his feelings regarding Remus 'cuz he's hurt/angry about Remus 'abandoning' him and siding with the others, but he also feels guilty for being too controlling. So. Yeah, a lot going on there.
XXX
