XXX Chapter 24: The Talk

Okay, I know it's April Fool's Day, but this is just a normal chapter 'cuz I didn't want to wait too long after last chapter. I kinda feel like this story is too serious for doing an April Fool's joke with it, so.

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A sudden wave of anxiety roared into Janus's mind as the sentence sunk in.

Thomas.

Thomas wanted to talk to him.

Of course he did. He'd felt a small handful of half-assed summons since he'd returned, and he'd pretended that he hadn't noticed. He didn't want to talk to Thomas- didn't even know how he could face him. As one of his sides, Janus knew Thomas, but Thomas didn't know him. Thomas barely even knew he existed, and they'd only interacted a few times, almost all of which had been definitively negative. And then he'd died, which no doubt fucked Thomas royally, and Janus didn't want to talk about that, especially not with Thomas himself. Really, what were they going to do? Have some kind of heart-to-heart about everything that happened, as if Thomas didn't hate him? Sure, Deceit's death and subsequent disappearance from the Mindscape likely proved to Thomas that he was necessary, but that didn't mean that Thomas actually liked him. And it wasn't like Thomas absolutely had to, but Janus wasn't sure he could deal with that right now- knowing that Thomas hated him, seeing the weak lies masking his face as if he couldn't tell- because Thomas was a good person, so of course he would be worried about what happened. But he wouldn't be worried about him because he cared about Deceit.

He'd be worried despite the fact that he didn't care about him.

Virgil was staring at him, eyes sharp as they traced over his tense shoulders and poorly-hidden expression.

"You know you're going to have to talk to him eventually, dude," Virgil pointed out. "He's Thomas. You can't really avoid someone when you're a part of them."

"I know that."

"So go talk to him," Virgil sighed. "Thomas hasn't been able to stop worrying about you in a long time, and believe me when I say I know that. And I doubt he's going to stop worrying any time soon, but you need to at least show him that you're still here."

Janus rolled his eyes.

"Where else would I be, Virgil?" he asked dryly. "Even if I wanted to take another cliff-side stroll anytime soon, I doubt I'd be allowed to."

Virgil shot him a glare.

"Don't joke about that."

"Why not?" Janus questioned. "I'm the one who fell."

Virgil fell speechless for a moment, and Janus took that opportunity to stand from his desk. Despite his own resentful words, he didn't really want to argue with Virgil right then. And so, he decided to retreat, even though he was very likely jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

"Anyway," he breathed. "I suppose I should be going, then. I shouldn't keep Thomas waiting."

Virgil breathed in.

"Janus-"

"You said so yourself," he cut the man off. "I can't avoid him forever."

Virgil was definitely going to say something, but Janus sunk out before he could get the chance to actually say it.

A second later, he was in the real world, appearing next to Thomas, who startled at his sudden arrival.

"Oh! Deceit!" he gasped. "Um, hi."

He took a deep breath in.

"Hello, Thomas," he returned the greeting, forcing his usual smirk onto his face. "I believe Virgil said you wanted to speak with me?"

Janus looked at his nails, trying to appear nonchalant- normal. Based on Thomas's bewildered expression, though, the man wasn't exactly buying it. Eventually, Thomas just nodded.

"Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you," Thomas agreed. "Um… You wanna sit down?"

Thomas gestured toward his couch, and Janus stiffly followed the order, sitting down and folding his hands in his lap. Thomas sat down as well, more than far away enough to not come into contact with Deceit but not so far away that it would look like an insult. Quiet hung heavily between them for a minute before Thomas spoke up again.

"So. Deceit. How have you been doing?" he asked. "I, um, haven't seen you since… you know."

"I'm fine," Deceit replied, shrugging slightly.

"… Okaaaaaay…"

Thomas tapped a finger on his knee.

"Well, how has it been living with the others?" he tried. "It's a bit of an adjustment, right?"

"Well, aside from not having any privacy because I had my door confiscated and having no one but Remus believe me when I say I fell on accident, everything is absolutely peachy."

Really, Janus knew he shouldn't have let so much bitterness into his tone. He was supposed to be pretending he was okay, to put Thomas at ease, and that comment certainly wasn't the way to do it. At the same time, though, his tolerance for the others' attempts to babysit him was dwindling dangerously low.

Again, the room fell silent, longer this time. Thomas fidgeted in his spot on the couch, while Janus held himself still, looking at a spot close to Thomas's face so he didn't actually have to look him in the eye but would appear as if he was.

"I… know you're lying, you know?" Thomas asked quietly. "I've been talking to the others, and they… give me updates, I guess? So I know you aren't really 'fine'."

Janus sighed. He knew from the start that his facade wasn't going to last long. Leave it to Thomas to know that Deceit was lying. He let his gaze drift farther off, looking more toward the wall now.

"Well, that's my job, isn't it? Lying?" Deceit chuckled. "I must apologize, Thomas, but honesty isn't my strong suit."

And really, that was an admission in itself, confirming the lie, but Thomas did already know. Perhaps he should have expected that the others would tell Thomas about what was going on. After all, Thomas would have insisted on this little meeting much sooner if they hadn't been. Briefly, Janus wondered what exactly Thomas had been told. Of course, the man knew about everything that happened after his fall. Hell, he probably knew more about that than he himself did. But what else did they tell him? Did he know about his spats with Patton and Virgil? Did Logan tell him about his eating plan? At least he could be reasonably certain that Remus hadn't told him about all the times Janus cried on him.

"I know," Thomas accepted. "But you're not just Deceit."

Deceit looked up toward the ceiling.

"No, I suppose not."

"Why don't you tell me what else you are?" Thomas requested. "I… I barely know you, and I really only know Deceit."

Janus shifted, crossing his legs.

"I'm sure you've already figured out what else I do," he pointed out. "After all, suddenly missing something makes it pretty obvious."

Thomas crossed his arms across his chest.

"I mean, I kinda know, yeah," he replied. "Before… The others explained what your roles were not long after you fell. We weren't sure what was going to happen, and we didn't think you were going to die then, but they explained what would happen if you did."

He tilted his head the slightest bit before shrugging.

"I guess I just want to hear you explain it," he said. "I mean, maybe you see it differently."

"Hm," Deceit hummed. "Very well."

He shifted slightly on the couch, turning just a hair more toward Thomas.

"As you know, I am Deceit. I am also Denial, Selfishness, Self-Preservation, and Self-Worth. Though, I share Self-Preservation with Virgil, and I only have a small part of Self-Worth. Most of that is Roman's area. And technically speaking, Remus and I also have an overlap in the Desires department."

Thomas nodded.

"Okay. That's… cool."

There was a pause, much shorter this time, before Thomas continued.

"So… If you do all that, why are you Deceit?" he asked. "And why would you introduce yourself like that? I mean, you could have started with the Self-Preservation stuff instead of impersonating Patton?"

Deceit sighed.

"Well, to start with, that would have lasted about as long as it would have taken for me to be introduced. My function name is still Deceit, even when I'm not deceiving anyone. Not to mention the fact that I would have been called out for manipulating you if I tried to emphasize my other roles," he explained. "Beyond that, though…"

He huffed.

"I didn't actually mean for you to find out about me."

He could see Thomas's eyes widen, and it would have been almost comical if Janus didn't feel the heavy weight of the conversation crushing any amusement out of him.

"What."

"You weren't supposed to find out I existed in that video," Janus repeated. "But I made a few too many mistakes, and Virgil figured it out. And then the others followed suit, and you asked for the truth, so you got it."

"But then… Why were you there? Why impersonate Patton in the first place?"

Janus let the corner of his lips turn up, even though his heart clenched painfully.

"Believe it or not, I was trying to help, Thomas," he answered. "Granted, the others don't agree with how I help, but that is still my goal."

"Oh. I… kinda thought it was on purpose? Like, I thought it was part of some plan or something. To reveal that you existed?"

Janus snorted.

"Nope," he denied, his tone forced into a facade of amusement. "Turns out I'm just not as good at dress-up as I thought I was."

"So you were just… temporarily stepping in for Patton, then?"

"More-or-less."

"Did you… do that a lot? Before I found out who you were?"

"I don't know, did I?"

He couldn't help saying it. Deceit didn't like the way the conversation was going, didn't like revealing himself like this, so a little bit of his normal sneakiness helped take some of the sting away. He knew it wouldn't be enough to entirely distract Thomas into changing the subject, though.

"Well, I didn't know you existed until then, so…," Thomas shrugged. "Did you?"

Deceit sighed.

"Not really," he admitted. "I do most of my work from the sidelines. I nudge you and the others in certain directions subconsciously. It's much easier than doing it directly, as evidenced by the fact that I fucked it up when I tried."

"I mean, you fooled us for a while, at least?"

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Actually," Thomas said as if something had just occurred to him. "When were you going to show up, then? Because, if you hadn't been called out during that episode, I probably would have just thought Patton was acting weird that day. I wouldn't have known you existed. I wouldn't have even known to ask. And it kinda seems like the others weren't going to tell me on their own, either."

At this, Deceit couldn't help giving Thomas a thin, grim smile. Thomas wanted to know, so he couldn't stall for long. He would just have to tell him.

"I wasn't. Going to reveal myself, I mean."

"What?"

Deceit uncrossed his legs, leaning forward slightly.

"You see, Thomas, you had to meet Virgil. Learning to accept and understand your anxiety was essential for your mental health," he explained. "Similarly, you needed to meet Remus, once you were ready. Granted, I don't know if you were ready to meet him when you did, but at a certain point, only using half of your creativity was holding you back."

He leaned away again.

"On the other hand, it's actually better for you if you don't know about me," Deceit continued. "Like I said: I work on the sidelines. Before you knew about me, I could help you without giving you a moral crisis. After, though, you resisted anything that I might have influenced. You even went against things you wanted that I had no part in, because they seemed selfish."

Selfish. Such a dirty, dirty word. Thomas couldn't be a good person if he was selfish. If he had the time or money to be selfish, that meant he could be doing more for other people. Every minute and dime he spent on himself was a flaw in his character, proof of the evil hiding inside of him.

He sighed, an ache beginning to build in his chest.

"You want to be a good person," Deceit said simply. "And your concept of a 'good person' happens to go against half of my functions. So, it was inevitable that you all see me as the villain. And it's a lot easier for the villain to get things done when the heroes don't even know you're doing something. Or that they exist."

The longer Deceit spoke, the more troubled Thomas's expression became. Mentally, Deceit sighed. See, this is what honesty gave him. This is what it gave Thomas. All it did was make things seem worse than they had to be. If Deceit could have just fed him some honey-coated lies to make him feel better, this would have been so much easier. But this was Thomas, and if Thomas really wanted to know something, he could.

And who knew better what Thomas really wanted than he did?

"So you were just…," Thomas trailed off for a moment before picking the thread of the sentence back up again. "You were just never going to introduce yourself?"

The ache grew. Did Thomas think it was better that he found out about Deceit or not? On the one hand, knowing he existed allowed Thomas to fight against him. On the other, ignorance truly was bliss, and the man would have been spared a lot of turmoil if Deceit just stayed in the shadows where he belonged.

"No, I wasn't."

"Oh."

Thomas was looking at him, eyebrows creased, as if something he'd said had been confusing.

"So, I was supposed to meet all the sides except you?"

"Yes."

"Did you… not want to talk to me?" Thomas asked.

Thomas looked sad now, the confusion melting away and leaving something unexpectedly gloomy behind.

Great. Somehow, Deceit had fucked up again, and now Thomas was sad, even though he was supposed to be making Thomas feel better.

Why couldn't he just do his job correctly for once?

"It's not about what I want, Thomas," Deceit deflected. "It's about what you want and what's best for you. You didn't want to know about me. Which makes sense because it's better if you don't."

Apparently, that still wasn't the right thing to say, because Thomas's face fell even further.

"But… isn't that kind of lonely?" Thomas asked. "If I didn't know about you, any time we all talked or did something together, you would be left out. I wouldn't even know to invite you."

Janus had to hold back a flinch. As if Thomas ever invited him to anything, or even wanted him to be around. He was in the same position there whether Thomas knew about him or not- an outsider, someone to exclude. And in a way, this was worse. Thomas knew about him and had never spent any amount of time with him willingly. At least if Thomas hadn't known about him, Janus could pretend that it was only because he didn't know any better. But Thomas did know about him and chose to reject him.

And that hurt so much worse.

"I don't need to be around you, Thomas," Deceit told him. "I just need to do my job. I have my duties, and none of them require us to directly interact. You just need me to exist, not be present."

It hurt. It hurt, but maybe he deserved it. Every word that came from his mouth was only making things worse. After everything he'd put Thomas through, he couldn't even do something as simple as reassuring him. He couldn't protect him, and if he couldn't do that, then what was he even good for? He couldn't even try to balance out his less desirable traits with the better ones because he sucked at completing his more palatable roles.

No wonder Thomas hated him.

"… Deceit, I get that your job is important to you," spoke Thomas. "But that's not… The others talk to me outside of their jobs, you know? I'm not asking about what you have to do- I'm asking about what you want to do. And I don't know, isn't that kinda your area?"

It was, technically. Wants, Desires, Selfishness. Deceit was a selfish person, so of course he wanted things. But Thomas was the priority, so matter how much he wanted something, if Thomas needed something, Thomas would always win. What Thomas needed was a Deceit who could do their job properly, not a Deceit that made him feel bad about himself.

"Unfortunately, Thomas, I'm not exactly good at my job, so it doesn't quite matter what falls under my domain," Deceit joked dryly, forcing his lips into a full smirk again, even though he could feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

"Hey, that's not- that's not true, Deceit," Thomas denied, waving his hands in protest.

Deceit let out a short chuckle.

"You don't need to lie, Thomas. As ironic as it may be, I'm actually telling the truth in this conversation," Deceit told him. "I haven't even been doing my job."

"You were unconscious-"

"I wasn't doing it before then, either," he cut Thomas off. "I've barely done anything since the courtroom."

He didn't want to be telling Thomas about this, but he was pretty sure the man already knew, and besides that, he felt like he had to tell him this. It almost felt like a confession, showing his true colors now that his masks had been ripped away.

Did Thomas want to know this? Was that why it felt so difficult to resist revealing how useless he truly was?

"I suppose I should apologize for that," Deceit continued. "I haven't been doing my job, and it's been affecting you. Especially when I was 'out of commission'."

"De-"

"I'm sorry," Deceit kept speaking, not letting Thomas try to deny what he said. "But I just don't know what to do anymore. Every time I show up, I hurt you. I make you miserable, and I make you feel like you're a bad person. But not doing my job hurts you just as much. No matter what I do, I just make things worse for you."

Thomas was conflicted. Deceit could see it in his expression. Thomas didn't like him or what he did, but he didn't want to say that, especially after what happened. He was trying to be nice, but Deceit would rather he just accept how he felt so the conversation could end. He wanted to go back to his room and curl up somewhere nobody would be able to see him. He wanted to hide, he wanted to be invisible, he wanted to-

"You don't make me miserable, Deceit."

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Sorry to leave it here, but the rest of this conversation is gonna be a lot, and I didn't want this chapter to end up being too long.

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