Chapter 53: Drunk Mindy Shenanigans
"Oh my dog, Brianna! For the last time, you are not fat!"
The moment Scarlett and Jiminy entered the Living Room, they were met with a very peculiar sight. Peter, Tink, Wendy, Dakota, and the Lost Boys sat in a tightly-formed semi-circle around the coffee table sharing a bag of microwaved popcorn.
Their eyes were glued to the two Littlest Pet Shops (the border collie and a brown dachshund). They were in the middle of performing some kind of high school soap opera, before a backdrop of crudely scribbled lockers made of cardboard and scrapbook paper.
The dachshund looked up at the collie with tear-filled eyes.
"But River is so much skinnier than me!" Brianna wailed, "Admit it, Herb...You would have never given me so much as a sideways glance if I hadn't gotten my makeover, and transformed into another species of dog through the magic of video editing and the weak excuse that I'd dyed my fur off-screen at a salon! And you dated River for three years! You were FishBook offish since middle school! How do you think that makes me feel?!"
"You really think I'm shallow enough to only date someone only because of their looks?" Herb demanded, "Bri, I've told you before, and I'll tell you again. I fell in love with your pretty heart, not your pretty face,"
Scarlett scooted in place next to Dakota, and whispered with a giggle, "Who wrote this? This is almost as cringey as the dialogue in Mindy's shitty Mean Girls fanfics she used to post on her A03 account,"
"I think that's kind of the point," he whispered back before offering her the bag, "Popcorn?"
Scar wrinkled her nose, "Vegan, remember?"
"Ooh right, my bad,"
Brianna stepped back, "So, you think I'm ugly, then?"
"That's not at all what I'm saying," Herb took a step closer to her. Their permanent smiling faces inches from touching, "You shouldn't feel the need to starve yourself just to make me happy. I always hated it when River would refuse to eat in front of me, even when it was something as simple as a slice of cake at a birthday party. One granola bar isn't gonna hurt you, Brianna. Your body needs food, I can tell. You're looking paler every day and it's killing me to see you in this much pain. Please, eat,"
Bri seemed to hesitate, then nodded.
"Okay," She then took a bite of the spotted pink dog biscuit that'd appeared seemingly out of nowhere, "Thank you, Herb,"
"Of course. You're beautiful just the way you are, babe,"
Then they kissed. Floating white text appeared in front of them reading: "End of Season 1..." as the group broke into reluctant but polite applause. The pets bowed before retreating back into the coffee table drawer.
"I can't believe we sat through that entire thing," Dakota moaned, "It was so cringey and yet I was hooked the whole time,"
"I know what you mean," Wendy said, "Despite it's more...awkward moments, I was oddly invested and the characters (cliché as they were) were quite enduring. I also learned an awful lot about the Otherworld, and what life is like for children there. I have to admit, I'm a tad bit jealous of how far technology has come for you all,"
"Did they really have to kiss so much?" Peter asked with a gag, "There's this thing called 'Tell Don't Show'! We get it! They're dating! You don't have to show us the intricate goings on of their relationship!"
Scarlett blinked a few times.
"Davendork?"
"Yes, Bloom and Gloom?"
"Do you ever just stop and think about how much of a fever dream our lives have become since following Mindy into this place?" Scarlett asked, "We got a bunch of Disney cartoons to watch a shitty LPSTube series for Christ's sake,"
"I try not to think about it too much, lest my brain'll explode from the sheer insanity of it all," Dakota shrugged as he reclined against the couch, "Embrace the chaos, that's my motto,"
"What's a motto?" Jiminy asked with a curious tilt of his head.
Suddenly, the door exploded open and the room shook from the impact. An Earth-shattering collection of voices screamed back: "Nothing,what's-a-mottowithyou?!"
The gang stood agape in shock and terror.
Scarlett was the first to speak, "Mindy?"
Only, it didn't sound like Mindy. It sounded...off.
For one thing, it'd been constantly changing in pitch, and even glitched and stuttered like a drunken robot in some places. Her physical state wasn't much better. She walked in an awkward, zig-zagged gait, and the ends of her hair were singed and even burnt off in some areas. Her lids fluttered like a slideshow on fast-forward, and the color of her irises switched from green, to blue, to pink, to purple, to vermillion, to chartreuse, to indigo, to red, to gold, to silver, and even black.
Ursula slithered in a bit sheepishly behind her. Mindy bumped into a stool and started to go down, but one of the Sea Witch's tentacles shot out and caught her before she could hit the floor. The girl went limp in Ursula's arms, and she was carried the rest of the way into the Living Room.
Dakota sprung forwards, "Oh my God, what happened?! What did you do to her?!"
"I did nothing," Ursula insisted in a defiant tone, though sweat formed on her crunched brows, "The stupid thing went and overworked herself, that's all,"
"You mean you overworked her!" Scarlett snapped, "You had one job! One simple fucking job! To teach her to control her powers, not pummel her into submission! Are you trying to train her or kill her?!"
"You all are acting as though she's already in a box floating down the river!"
"She might as well be with the rough way you're handling her!" Dakota pried the sleeping girl out of Ursula's tentacles, and laid her on the sofa. He started shaking her with tears building up in his eyes, "Mindy, come on. Don't do this to me, kiddo. Please wake up, please,"
The octopus tried feigning indifference in her expression, but there was a notable tremble in her demeanor, like a rattlesnake that'd just been threatened. She looked paler, panicked, and most interesting of all frightened for Mindy.
Ursula's eyes darted back-and-forth between the group's interrogative stares, and her pupil.
"Oh for Walt's sake, stop looking at me like that!" she barked, "She's unconscious, not dead!"
"This is all my fault," Dakota muttered in despair as he cupped Mindy's cheek, "I should've never let you out of my sight for one minute. I-I should've tried harder to watch over you, I should've-"
But he was cut off as the girl abruptly sat straight up. She stretched her arms high over her head with an almost musical yawn. She smacked her lips a few times as a lopsided, intoxicated smile eased onto her face.
"Good morning, starshine! The Earth says helloooo!"
Mindy giggled loud enough to wake the dead. The group shared dumbfounded looks.
Dakota's mouth opened and closed, "Mindy? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine you dizzy dreamer!" she tossed her head back as her words slurred together, "Just peachy! Hahaha, juz-hic! Explerded some...shiperdoodles and shiperbobs, cause-cause this one..." Mindy dangled upside-down from the sofa and pointed an accusing, wobbly finger at Ursula, "Wanted me to pull a Vietnam bomb-dot-com on this bitch ahahahahaha! It's okay though! We-we learrrned something very-hic! Valuable today...I cannn nuke anything in sight, if I'm-hic! Pushed too far. But when-when-when I'm done and had my fun, I press and automatic off-switch! Now all we need to do is find out where Peter's is!"
Mindy cackled at her own lame joke.
"That's good at least," Jiminy said with a tight grin, "Now we know you have a failsafe whenever you go berserk,"
"Yup! Turns out I'm preeety much useless until further notice...this must be what getting drunk is like. Scarlett! Is this what getting drunk is like?!"
"Sure is, hon," Scarlett played along, "I'm gonna assume you're too drained to poof up a new bedroom for yourself?"
"You-you shouldn't assume anything! You wanna know why?" Mindy reached out and brought her reddened face closer to hers as she whispered, "Cause it makes an ass out of su and me!" she then poked her on the nose, "Boooop!"
"Note to self: Mindy curses a lot more when she's plastered," Scarlett murmured before detangling herself and clearing her throat, "Alright, let's get you to my bedroom then. Davendork, mind giving me a hand here?"
Dakota and Scarlett hauled Mindy to her feet. They slung her arms around each of their shoulders, and tried dragging her towards the hallway. However, Mindy had other plans as she tumbled in a jumbled heap on the floor.
"Have...have I ever told you how much I love you guys?" Mindy asked the question like she was on the verge of tears, "You guys are just like the best! Like-like literally the best! And you're always nice to me for noooo reason! I dunno what I'd do without you! You are good persons...and good persons look out for pals...you're like my knights in shimming armor!"
"Yes, yes, yes, we love you too, Mindy," Dakota nodded with an encouraging smile, "But it's been a long day, and you need your rest if you're ever gonna gain enough strength to face-off Cthulhu, okay? So why don't we-"
"-What's that?!"
Scarlett and Dakota glanced over their shoulders, while Mindy got to her feet. She ran in the opposite direction like the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. It would've been a comedic sight had her friends not been so worried.
"Oh no ya don't!"
In an instant, she was intercepted by none other than Peter Pan himself.
"Gotcha!"
"Let me go...!" Mindy whined as she struggled in his iron grip, "I'm fine, really I am! Just-just please...don't make-hic! Me sleep! I cannn't sleep! He'll get me if I sleep! He'll-he's gonna use his stupid goopy tentacle tendrils to scare the shite out of me! Like he always does! Stupid octopus inky man with pens, and puppets, and theatres, and piss water, and carrrs, and-and-ceilings, eyes, dancing...can't...can't stop dancing. Can never stop dancing..."
"Whaaaat the fuck are you talking about?" Scarlett laughed, but it came out as forced and as strained as her smile, "You don't have to be scared, Mindy. You're safe in here with us. Nothing is coming after you,"
"If I may, I-I think she might be talking about..." Jiminy gestured with his eyes to the Sea Witch, "You know. Well uh, she did say 'octopus' so it makes sense that-"
"-oh sure!" Ursula threw her arms in the air, "It always circles back to me! I get it. It's easier to point fingers at the villain who's trying to take over the kingdom, when it's so painfully obvious she's experiencing a fit of mad ramblings from magical fatigue! It happens to all the best evil sorceresses! Especially when they're training for the first time!"
"But she isn't an evil sorceress!" Dakota growled as he pointed a finger in her face, "Listen sass-a-frass! She might have agreed to let you teach her for now, but you must be off your rocker if you think we're ever gonna let her become as black-hearted as you!"
The others murmured in agreement, and took defensive stances in front of Mindy.
"I don't have time for this, my next scene is coming up soon," Ursula said with a huff of annoyance. She started slinking towards the door, and called over her shoulder, "Do let me know when she's back to her normal, yet not normal, candy-loving, bulimic self. Then, the real work can begin,"
And with that, the Sea Witch made her exit...
"She's a mean, mean lady," Mindy said.
"Yup," Dakota replied, "But for some reason, we (and by we I mostly mean, you) saw something in her that made us think she'd be a trustworthy ally, when surprise, surprise! She's so clearly up to no good!"
"I'll play devil's advocate here. Maybe what happened at the graveyard was a simple accident," Scarlett countered, "Ursula blames herself for it, when it wasn't her fault, and that's why she's acting like she has an urchin up her ass right now,"
"Uh huh. And since when did you have such faith in people?"
"Since when did you not?"
Dakota grumbled something under his breath, but before Scar could ask him to repeat it, a loud clatter crashed through the silence. Mindy sat cross-legged in front of the dumped pile of startled Littlest Pet Shops. She picked two at random and started playing with them. The first one she lifted was a white mouse with a painted flower on her ear. She spoke as her in a sugary-sweet voice that bordered on passive aggression.
"Good night,"
Mindy then picked up a blonde short-haired cat. She used her regular voice this time, but with a notable stuck-up cadence.
"That's fine, I'm not about to keep barking at a bitch who won't bite," she paused as Peter wheezed behind her from the horrified expression on Jiminy's face, "Anyways, you're just mad cause you thought you werrr-hic! A stripper who was about to get wasted and didn't, psyche!"
"That's fine," Mindy made the mouse respond, "I'll be a stripper cause then I'll make way more money than you, bitch!"
"At least I have looks!"
"Yeah, looks like you ain't got no money!"
"Why don't you go choke on some cheese, rodent?"
"Why don't you go back to licking your own vajayjay, feline?"
"Your boyfriend thinks it's clean!"
"Alright! That's enough playtime for one day, princess!" Scarlett tore the toys away from Mindy as Dakota just about shoved her down the hall, "Let's get you to bed before you escalate this 'cat fight' any further,"
As the trio disappeared into Scar's bedroom, the abandoned pets blinked at each other.
"So," the mouse began, "You don't actually lick-"
"-no of course not!" the cat (who had a Patrick Warburton-esque voice) protested while laughing, "What kind of sick carnal beast do you take me for?! That's as ridiculous as you being an actual stripper, when we all know Mindy was just playing pretend!"
When the mouse didn't answer right away, the cat's chortles died down and he stared in blank stupefaction, "Whiskers...you were just pretending, right?"
...
His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.
"I wish we weren't sentient,"
Lol I felt like we needed levity after everything that went down last chapter, so I hope you enjoyed this short, chaotic entry :)
