XXX Chapter 34: The Hero

Busy week, but here's the next chapter:

XXX

He could see Deceit freeze, the moment stretching long between them, and even though it wasn't actually much longer than a minute, Roman silently begged the man to react at least a little. He hadn't flinched, hadn't widened his eyes, hadn't snapped or frowned or anything. He just stared, buffering like a computer. And with each second he sat like a statue, Roman became more and more convinced that he'd just made a huge mistake.

But then, Deceit just sighed.

"I don't know, Roman," he admitted, returning his eyes to the flowers. "If it makes you feel any better, it's not the only thing at play here, but I can't say it's not a part of it."

He paused for a moment

"…Unless you want me to lie; however, I assume you don't."

Roman crossed his arms, slightly defensive.

"I don't want you to lie," Roman huffed, but then paused. "I mean- I don't- Not about this…?"

He wasn't sure if that had been a dig or not, unsure of whether Deceit meant lying about this specific thing, or in general, and at that, unsure of how he should respond in either case. Even though he knew the events of the courtroom were definitely connected to the more recent events, part of him wished Deceit would deny it. That would certainly help relieve some of Roman's guilt (assuming he would even believe it). But what else would it do, really?

Deceit shrugged before leaning back, staring up at the sky.

"Thought so," he said. "Though, I don't know what else you want me to say here, then. I guess I could say it's not your fault?"

He let out a short laugh, not bitter but not happy, either. If anything, it was melancholy.

"I think we both know that I'm the one who fucked up there," Deceit continued. "I mean, it was a stupid plan from the start, and I really should have known it wouldn't have worked. I mean, I proved my point, and it still didn't do anything."

"… I would have told Thomas to go to the callback if I knew this would happen," Roman told him.

Deceit closed his eyes, shaking his head.

"No, Roman," he denied. "That's not the point. You were just trying to do the right thing. You were trying to make sure Thomas remained a good person. But… that's not really my department."

His eyes reopened, and Roman found himself gazing into the deceitful side's mismatched eyes once again.

"I didn't really care about what was morally right or wrong. I just cared about what Thomas wanted," he continued talking. "But it wasn't- it wasn't even really about the callback or the wedding."

Roman shot him a confused look.

"What do you mean? Literally the entirely conversation was about whether it was wrong for Thomas to skip the wedding so he could go to the callback."

Deceit frowned.

"Literally, yes," he agreed. "But it wasn't really important what the situation was. I just took advantage of a situation that happened to come up. Not like I could plan to schedule a conflict like that, you know."

Of course, Roman knew that. He hadn't ever thought Deceit had concocted a scheme to that degree (or even could).

"What was the point, then?"

"The point was that Thomas needs to be selfish sometimes, Roman!" Deceit exclaimed suddenly, though his voice lowered again almost immediately, sighing. "It didn't have to be going to the callback. Of course, I wanted him to go to the callback, the same as you, but ultimately, choosing to go to the wedding wasn't the bad part. Yes, Thomas lost a huge opportunity, and he was miserable at the wedding, and that sucked for just about everyone. But he would have been able to grieve the lost opportunity and move past it easier if he had been in a better place from the start."

Roman's eyebrows crinkled, still a little confused. Deceit was upset about them going to the wedding, but also said it wasn't about going to the wedding?

"I know that the rest of you think being 'selfish' is inherently wrong, but everyone needs to be selfish sometimes. That's literally why I'm here," Deceit told him. "I just used the wedding to point that out to the rest of you. In the grand scheme of Thomas's life, any one instance of being selfish or selfless doesn't really matter. But if Thomas consistently chooses one side or the other, it starts to become a problem."

Deceit took a deep breath in.

"And lo and behold, it did! Because Thomas already has a tendency to pick the more selfless option- after all, every time he acts selfishly, he's being a bad person, and nobody wants to feel like a bad person."

There was an extra weight in the last sentence that suggested Deceit wasn't just talking about Thomas.

"Thomas was already entering that situation with lowered mental health because he's always making choices that put his own self-care second," said the man. "So, going to the wedding itself wasn't the reason, it was just the catalyst. It was the last straw in a series of decisions that created a recipe for a breakdown. And since it was such a major loss in the opportunities department, going to the wedding was a bigger blow than usual."

It was the straw that broke the camel's back, then?

"… Oh."

Deceit snorted.

"But like I said, I could have used any situation that pitted a selfish action against a selfless one. I could have just tried harder to nudge Thomas into taking on fewer tasks or staying home instead of helping with something. But the point wouldn't have been as obvious- not that it was obvious anyway, apparently- and Thomas had started fighting my 'nudges' more as soon as he found out I existed. I guess I should have realized that making my influence even more obvious was even more likely to backfire."

He squeezed his arms, making Roman briefly hope the man didn't have any fresh wounds to aggravate.

"Instead, I just made a giant mess. Instead of teaching Thomas it was okay to be selfish in moderation, I just convinced him, along with the rest of you, that he's a bad person," Deceit laughed dryly. "I sidelined Logan, I forced Virgil to make a judgment, I pushed Patton too far, and I manipulated you. And all of it hurt Thomas."

Deceit looked down at the ground.

"I did tell you all that I hadn't been planning to reveal myself, and if there was anything I proved during that case, it was that I was right about that," he sighed, pausing briefly. "… I never did apologize for what I did to you, did I?"

Roman opened his mouth but didn't really know how to respond.

"While we're on the subject, I suppose I should," Deceit began. "I'm sorry, Roman. I was trying to prove a point, and since I thought I knew what you wanted, I used you to do it."

His shoulders drooped, and he released the grip he had on his arms.

"If you thought I agreed with you, why did you try to manipulate me?" Roman asked, his voice only a little bitter. "I did want to go to the callback. I still hate that we weren't able to go. I already agreed with you. So what was the point in trying to trick me into it?"

Deceit cringed, looking, to Roman's surprise, a little sheepish.

"Because I wasn't sure you would agree with me, even though I knew you wanted to go," he explained. "Patton has such a large influence on what Thomas does, and that means he has a lot of influence over you as well. I knew that, especially considering that we were discussing morals, Morality would be the one everyone listened to. So I was just… trying to even the field a little?"

He could see Deceit frown at himself. Perhaps he wasn't quite phrasing everything the way he wanted to, and he was probably trying not to anger Roman with a messed-up apology.

"Regardless, I shouldn't have done it. So I'm sorry."

And as much as Roman had been hurt by what happened, he did feel a sudden release of a lot of negative emotions along with Deceit's apology. There was probably still a part of him that wasn't completely over it, but now that he knew Deceit's reasoning, how everything had affected him, and had also finally received an actual apology, he felt a lot better about it. There was, however, one more thing he wanted to sort out.

"Okay," he accepted. "I think I understand why you did it now, but… I just… I thought we were… sort-of friends for a while there, you know…? So it kinda sucked when I realized that you were just manipulating me the entire time."

This time, it was Deceit's turn to look confused.

"… I wasn't manipulating you the entire time," Deceit shook his head. "Just during the court case, really. Which was fucked up, but like I said, I didn't plan for the wedding and callback to happen on the same day. So before that, I had no reason to try to manipulate you."

For a long moment, Roman just stared at him.

And then, he understood.

Deceit really hadn't had a reason to manipulate him until that point. He couldn't have been setting up a plan for something he couldn't have predicted, And really, hadn't Deceit started talking to him before revealing himself to Thomas? If he hadn't actually been planning on revealing himself then, what benefit would there have been to pretending to be his friend? Even Deceit himself said his influence worked better when people weren't aware of it.

"Oh."

"… This whole time, you thought I was just always manipulating you?" Deceit asked. "I don't lie and manipulate for no reason, you know. If there's no point, it's just kind of a waste of energy."

"So we were friends?"

Roman expected him to say yes or nod or something. But instead, Deceit just looked conflicted.

"… I didn't know what we were," Deceit admitted. "I did enjoy talking to you. But I was also under the impression that you mostly liked talking to me because I complimented you."

That, honestly, stung a little.

"Then why did you talk to me?" Roman asked, a little hurt welling back up. "If you thought it was just one-sided, why bother?"

Deceit shrugged.

"Because I wanted to talk to someone," he stated simply. "Virgil had left, and he hated me. Logan wasn't very fond of me, and I didn't think he'd want to have 'purposeless conversation' with me. Patton and I have never gotten along, and I really had no desire to chat with him. I did have Remus, but sometimes, I just wanted to talk to someone else. Most people talk to more than one person, you know…"

The breeze started up again, a little stronger, and the flowers rustled wildly for a moment before settling back down.

"And then there was you," Deceit continued. "Really, I wasn't sure you'd want to talk to me, either. You were the one who started calling us the 'Dark Sides', and you never seemed to trust me- though I guess I can't really blame you for that. But you did end up being friends with Virgil, so I thought you might be able to at least talk to me. And you did, but like I said, I didn't think you considered us to be friends. After all, you still seemed to think of me as a villain, and you didn't want the others knowing that I was talking to you."

Roman frowned, deeper.

"… I guess you're right about that," Roman sighed. "I liked talking to you, but I always kinda thought you were up to something. So… I guess I'm sorry too."

Deceit looked surprised for a second before shaking his head.

"You don't have to apologize," he told him. "I understand why you'd be suspicious, I guess. And it's not like I tried to correct your assumptions or anything."

"I'm still sorry," Roman insisted. "And not just about that. I should have done something earlier, after I noticed you hadn't appeared in a while. I didn't even want to look for you- I just did it because Remus was being annoying."

Shockingly, Deceit just snorted again.

"Why would you have gone to check on me? I fucked up and hurt you, and everyone was moping. Not to mention the fact that we literally live in separate halves of the Mind Palace. And why would you have thought you should have done something? Outside of our chats, not seeing me around was normal."

Roman curled inward just slightly, barely enough for someone to notice.

"But I still should have done something. I shouldn't have let my feelings get in the way of making sure someone was okay."

Deceit raised an eyebrow.

"Again, why would you have checked on me? Why wouldn't your emotions justify you not wanting to see me?"

"Because I'm supposed to be a hero!" Roman shouted. "And a hero should always try to save people…"

At this, Deceit bristled.

"I don't need you to save me, Roman."

"Yeah, 'cuz I already failed."

"No, because I don't need to be saved! That's not how this fucking works!"

Deceit was glaring at him now, and Roman realized he'd probably let out too much in terms of his inner thoughts. He deflated.

"I… I know."

Of course he knew that things were more complicated than that. Deceit wasn't some damsel he could save from a dragon. There were things he could have done, but he hadn't been aware of any immediate emergency where he could have 'saved' Deceit. Maybe, if he'd somehow had extremely good timing, he could have stopped Deceit from dying, from falling off that cliff, but he hadn't because there was no way he could have. And now, there still wasn't any way to save him. All he could do was offer help and support.

"If you know, then why are you still guilty about it? You couldn't have 'saved' me, so why feel bad about not doing it?"

"I… You… Deceit," Roman stumbled. "You don't understand. I found you. And when I saw you, I just… I didn't feel anything."

He put his hands up, not wanting Deceit to misunderstand.

"Not in a 'I don't care' kind of way!" he specified. "I mean that, when we found you that day, all my emotions got locked away so I could focus on getting you to help. Remus was panicking, and the others were still back in the mind Palace. I-I just had to help. There wasn't anyone else who could do it right then."

He could feel a slight tremor build up in his hands as he remembered. The way Deceit's broken limbs splayed across the ground, the blood sitting in dried pools in the earth around him. Suddenly, he realized just how similar this field of flowers was to the one at the bottom of that cliff, and he was filled with an urge to make them all disappear.

"I can't remember the last time I was as scared as I was once my emotions came back," Roman told him. "I felt helpless. Once I brought you back, there wasn't anything else I could do. Really, nothing we did helped. Even Logan wasn't able to do much in the end. And I just can't stop thinking about what happened. Like, it just pops up sometimes, and I can't stop worrying that something will happen again, and… I wish I could have prevented it from happening in the first place. I wish I could have stopped you…"

Then, he felt Deceit's hand touching his own, and he realized the man had shifted closer.

"I suppose this is getting redundant at this point, but I still didn't fall on purpose," Deceit sighed. "I've already admitted that the thought has crossed my mind, but in this instance, it was an accident. You couldn't have stopped me any more than I could have stopped myself. I slipped, Roman. Really. It was an accident that happened to coincide with my poor mental health, and I probably wouldn't have been at the cliff if I wasn't feeling the way I was, but I hadn't intended to do anything you would have needed to stop me from doing."

Roman still shook his head.

"It's not an accident if you put yourself in an unsafe situation," he argued. "So, what? You were passively suicidal instead of actively suicidal? That's not much better, Deceit."

At that, Deceit's mouth fell open for a moment, the man clearly at a loss for words.

"I- it wasn't even a passive attempt," he tried weakly. "I didn't really know what I was doing."

"That's not really better, either."

Deceit sighed, physically drawing back as he scooted back to where he had previously been sitting.

"Yes, Remus has already said as much," he gave in. "I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with me. I think it's already obvious that I'm messed up. I'm just trying to tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty about what happened."

"… I'm not really sure I can believe that yet," Roman replied. "I want to believe you. But I still feel like I did something wrong."

Deceit sighed.

"Well, I don't know what else to say that would change your mind," he spoke, pausing a moment. "Maybe, if you still feel guilty, you can build a fence or something? I can't accidentally fall off a cliff if I have to climb over a fence first."

Suddenly, Roman laughed.

"Oh, I already did that," he laughed, a little lighter even if not entirely relieved. "No one's really supposed to get anywhere near there, anyway, but I put a fence up pretty quickly after we found you. I'm not having anyone repeat what happened, whether it was an accident or not."

Deceit gave him a strange look but didn't say anything. In fact, the two of them continued to sit there in silence together for a while longer before Roman figured the conversation was over. Besides, they had been gone a long time, and they should probably get back before anyone (Remus) started panicking.

"Well, we should probably head back," Roman voiced his thoughts.

He got up, about to summon the door back to the Mind Palace, when Deceit let out a shout:

"Wait!"

Roman listened, pausing and turning around so he was looking at Deceit again. Upon doing so, he could see that the man suddenly looked even more anxious than he had been. He was playing with one of his gloves, shoulders hunched and jaw tight. Roman was just about to suggest that they could stay a just little longer if going back was making him anxious when Deceit removed one of his gloves.

"My-"

He cut himself off, taking a deep breath before trying again.

"My name…"

Deceit looked him straight in the eye.

"My- My name is Janus."

It took a minute for Roman to realize what just happened. Deceit- Janus- had just shared his name with him.

For Roman, his name had never been a particularly big deal. Really, none of the so-called 'Light-Sides' (or Remus) had ever really had much issue with anyone knowing their names. It just either came up or it didn't. But Virgil and Janus had always been secretive with their names, and they'd only learned Virgil's after earning his trust.

Had he just earned Janus's?

"You just told me your name," Roman ended up stating, still somewhat shocked.

He could see a slight blush rise up on half of the man's face.

"Yeah, just- don't tell Logan or Patton," he requested. "I… I don't want them to know it yet…"

"I- Okay! Yeah, that's fine!" Roman agreed easily. "I mean, I know Virgil still calls you Deceit in front of everyone even though he knows your name, so…"

Janus nodded.

"Yeah. Um. I guess we can go back now… I just… Figured I could…"

Roman knew what he meant, and he smiled.

XXX

So, this chapter is actually where the story diverges from what I initially had planned for the rest of this fic. The original ending I had all planned out got derailed by Roman and Janus actually talking and sorting some things out. Originally, they were supposed to argue in a lead-up to a much angstier ending than what is to actually come. I had to completely change the ending because of this chapter, though, haha. So I hope y'all liked it.

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