The Fic Lab Prompt #28: "You need to get laid"
"Hey, Ed, what's up? What's so important that you wanted to meet in the middle of the workweek?"
"Emmett, we're 25, not 45," I laugh. "I'm sure having a drink or two on a Tuesday night won't ruin your whole week."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I just had something - well someone - else I was planning on being busy with tonight," Emmett winks as he smiles with his usually shit-eating grin. "But it sounded urgent. So what's going on?"
I start to feel a little guilty taking Emmett away from Rosalie but I can't stay in that house with Bella. Emmett should know this; we talked about it last week.
"Come on, Emmett. You know I need to escape Bella. I'll never make it if I have to spend this time alone with her."
"Dude, is that still going on? What is wrong with you? You're only hurting yourself, you know," Emmett shouts. His eyes are wide, and he thinks I'm acting crazy. But I refuse to give in.
"I need to prove Bella wrong. I'm sure she'll cave any day now," I try to convince him. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. This past week - this past sexless, orgasm-less week - has been the worst in my life.
Before this, Bella and I had sex almost every day since we got married and started living together 6 months ago. But then my pride got in the way. We were watching episodes of Seinfeld. It originally aired before our time, but I know my parents loved it. They'd even quote lines from it when I was growing up. Now that it's on Netflix, Bella and I thought we'd give it a try. Overall, it's funny. Not everything aged well, but we've been enjoying it.
And then the episode titled The Contest came on. I can't believe they did a whole episode about not masturbating. It was hysterical, but that episode has ruined my life.
"OMG, Edward, you would definitely lose that contest if you and your friends ever tried that," Bella laughed. "I've never met anyone with as big a sexual appetite as yours."
"Bella, I don't need to masturbate. I have you by my side and you're always willing, so I don't have to do anything on my own," I wink back at her.
I know I've made a mistake as soon as I say it. Bella is the sweetest gal and the best wife, but she is stubborn. If she feels challenged in the slightest, she will do anything to prove the other person wrong. And I'm pretty sure she's taken what I just said as a challenge.
"Oh really, Edward? Well, what if we got into our own little contest. We won't have sex again until one of us - meaning you - caves," she asks with a devilish grin. "I don't think you'll last long at all."
One thing I know about myself is that I can be very stubborn, too. Of course, I'm going to take her up on this "contest". I guess I will be masturbating a lot, after all.
"I gonna' prove you wrong, Bella. I can last without sex. My hand will do just fine until you come begging to me." I'm feeling very cocky right now, pun intended.
"No, no, Edward. If we're really going to do this, there will be no self-touching, either. No sex and no touching yourself. Let's see who breaks first."
Oh, she's evil. But I know Bella's sexual appetite is at least as big as mine. There's no way she'll be able to last longer than I can.
"You're on," I say.
I have been miserable ever since.
"Earth to Edward," Emmett yells, waving his hand in front of my face. "Where'd you go, dude?"
"Sorry, Emmett, just thinking about the day Bella proposed this contest. It's killing me, Emmett. I don't know how much longer I can take," I groan, more frustrated than I've ever felt in my life.
"Then give in dude, you need to get laid! You love Bella, so who cares if she wins this one - it's a stupid contest anyway. Stop being stubborn and go home and fuck your wife."
Emmett's right. This is the dumbest mountain to die on. We're only hurting ourselves with this ridiculous contest. I nod my head, give Emmett a high-five and call Bella.
"Bella, you win. Get ready for me. I'll be home in 10 minutes!"
-oOo-
"I'm glad you won, but I don't know how you survived that, Bella," Rosalie says over coffee. "There's no way I could go a full week without jumping Emmett's bones multiple times. And not even masturbating? You're a stronger woman than I."
"Ummm, well….yes and no. We agreed to no self-touching," I say sheepishly, using finger quotes when I say 'self-touching'. "But our washing machine is old and vibrates a lot during the spin cycle."
"You did not! OMG, I thought it was an urban legend. Does it really work?"
"Well, I did do a lot of laundry last week," I say, no longer able to hold back my laughter.
