Elliot felt like he was living a surreal dream. He came with the intention of talking out some things, and he hoped maybe they would take a small step forward. He absolutely wasn't prepared for the direction this night was taking. Part of him worried she would backpedal scared at any moment.
To say he was surprised when she kissed him was an understatement. Shocked was probably more accurate. It took him a minute for his brain to even process what was happening. He was kissing Olivia. None of this felt real. He waited for the inevitable moment when he'd wake up and life would be what it always was.
They found their way to the couch and he thought his heart might burst from his chest. When her delicate hands slipped under his shirt, pressing into his skin, he let out a quiet involuntary groan. It was almost too much. Olivia with her hands all over him. This couldn't be real.
After a minute he felt her slow her response. He knew they reached her max comfort level, and he immediately withdrew, dropping one kiss to her collar bone. He dropped his face into the space above her shoulder and deliberately slowed his current amped response.
He wanted everything and all of her, but he had no desire to push her further than she wanted to go. If this was happening he wanted there to be no regrets, no reasons for it to fail. He wanted her to feel safe.
The words "I want you more than you can imagine," thrilled him deep into his core. And even sweeter was her admission of her desire for this to be something lasting. There was never any way she would be a one night stand, or some one off mistake. She was it for him. He had known that for years. He wanted her now, but more than that, he wanted her forever. For him, one night could never be enough.
He shifted his weight a little, allowing her to tuck herself into his side. Her head laid on his shoulder and one of her legs draped over his. He turned his face towards hers and kissed her forehead. He was in awe that she would allow him to touch her, hold her, in this way. Something, some emotion, always got in the way, but right now her walls were down and he could hold her in a intimate way that was never allowed.
They sat in the quiet stillness, but when she seemed more comfortable, he asked, "Where do you want to start?"
Her large brown eyes lifted and she looked nervous, fearful even, but he watched her push through it. She was trying. And that was more than she had ever given him in the past.
Her eyes dropped, focusing on her hand that laid gently on his chest, "Maybe we should start with our last conversation." She didn't sound at all confident in her response.
"Yeah, we can start there." His stomach twisted at the memory of the conversation, and the implications behind it all. He reached for her hand and toyed aimlessly with her fingers still resting on his chest. "I need to know if you regret us. Or whatever we were to each other back then." He tried to keep his voice neutral. "Do you really wish it had been different?"
She sighed, watching his fingers brush over hers, "It's not as simple as that." She paused, gathering her thoughts, "I felt like I was always in the way." Her big brown eyes caught his and he saw the residual pain there." I was standing on the outside of something I partially had, but could never fully have." Her focus returned to their tangled fingers, "I felt guilty for the possessiveness I felt. You were not mine, not really, and even years later, remembering that time hurts. It's not that I regret you, but I hate how everything hurt because of how complicated things were."
"I can understand that," he said simply. He thought about how complicated and screwed up his own thinking was at the time, and he knew it would have been easier if Cragen had split them, but he also knew he could never regret her presence in his life, no matter how complicated. He listened to her next thought and his heart nearly broke.
Her eyes set squarely on his, and he felt her body stiffen with discomfort. Her voice came out quiet and shaky. "Why did you leave me?" Her pleading brown eyes nearly broke him. She hurried on, "I can wrap my mind around everything else. I understand why you left everyone and everything," she bit her lip and he knew she was fighting back the emotion bubbling up inside her. "But what about me El?" His stomach felt sick over the obvious pain his actions caused. "If anything, why didn't you stay for me?" Her voice, so quiet, filled with the desperate need for answers was killing him from the inside out.
He couldn't seem to find words. Every explanation felt stupid and irrational, but before he found his voice to respond she continued,
"I know that sounds selfish, and probably a little stupid but that's what killed me." Her tears flowed freely now, and he was doing all he could to keep his emotion in check enough to continue to hear her. All attempts at emotional control failed when, voice quivering, she said, "I hated that I wasn't enough of a reason for you to stay."
Well shit. In his misguided attempts to save her from himself, he only demolished her. God, he hated this.
He cleared his throat, and tried to blink back the tears gathering in his eyes. "You aren't selfish and you're not stupid. If anything, I'm the selfishly stupid one." He sighed before diving in, "I was married, and morally I felt that was a relationship I couldn't dissolve. I know you're agnostic at best, but the guilt I felt over us ate at me every day. I couldn't reconcile my faith in God with my strong feelings and dependence on you."
He let out a long slow breath in another futile attempt to quell all the emotion spilling out of him. "I wasn't good for you Liv." He closed his eyes, unable to look at her with this admission. "My possessiveness, and my jealousy got in your way." He opened his eyes, and lightly traced his fingers against her cheekbone. "I wanted you in ways I shouldn't, and in ways that would only hurt you." He struggled to get his next words out. "So I left. I took myself out of the equation so I could stop holding you back."
"I think on some level you already knew that. You tried to leave our partnership, twice. You knew what we had together was getting to be too much, too intense. No matter how much it hurt I had to do what was best for you, even when you couldn't. It nearly killed me, but it was what you needed, and for once I didn't want to be the selfish son of a bitch everyone says I am. For once I wanted to do something that hurt me for a person I cared for deeply," he found her fingers again, squeezing them lightly. "I knew it would hurt you. I knew it, but I was convinced it's what you needed." He brought her fingers to his lips. "And when I came back," he gave her a weak smile, "You were thriving. I got out of your way and you excelled." She tried to shake her head, but he stopped her. "No, listen. I know you wouldn't have Noah. I know you would have never made captain. I know all the meaningful relationships you have around you wouldn't have been possible if I stayed. I selfishly took up too much room in your life, and the choice I made, no matter how impossibly hard it felt, was the right thing for you."
Her silence started to feel uncomfortable, but he waited. She fingered his crucifix that hung just above the two unbuttoned buttons at his collar. She ran her fingers over its surface aimlessly. After what felt like an eternity she spoke, "Damn. Why is Fin always right?"
"What?" He couldn't help the chuckle that tumbled from his lips. What the hell did Fin have to do with anything?
She smiled, acknowledging the conversational whiplash she just gave him. "This morning," she clarified, "He came into my office after you left, you know," she smiled wryly, "to diffuse the ticking time bomb of emotions that always arrive after I talk to you. Anyway, he told me to ask you why you left. He seemed to think it was a "self-sacrificing move for my benefit". "
He dropped a kiss onto her head, "He was right, but it doesn't magically make all of this…pain… go away."
"No, but it gives me context I never had. I wish you would have talked to me before you decided to sacrifice yourself for my benefit." He felt her sigh into his shoulder.
His lips brushed across the crown of her head. "I couldn't." His was low and pained, "Would you have let me go?"
She thought for a moment before answering, "Probably not." She admitted. "Still, you didn't give me any explanation for more than ten years. You didn't give me any day, any choice in the matter. You just bailed. You couldn't have said something?" He sensed the pain and bitterness she was trying to mask.
"For a long time I wanted to hate you. I wished you hadn't showed up in my life, turned everything upside down," she gulped back her fear, "and made me care about you." She brushed back the tears that decided to return. "I started to feel bitter. I blamed everyone for not pulling us apart before things got so damn complicated."
He felt her cuddle tighter into his side. "When you came to my office this morning, I was already very triggered by this whole Velasco/Muncy situation, and all the pain and regret that always trails behind memories of our partnership. When you showed up, you inadvertently poked a raw exposed nerve. I reacted without thinking how it might hurt you."
He shifted her up so he could leave a lingering kiss on her forehead. "It hurt, but I deserve it." He kissed her forehead again. "I could never regret our partnership and my inevitable attachment to you." His hand brushed her cheek. "But I can see why you could. The complications hurt me, but I can see why it hurt you so much more."
Her eyes were fixed on his and she looked like she was trying not to cry so he gathered her into his arms, resting her body on his chest, allowing her to cry into his shirt. His fingers lightly traced comforting patterns on her back as he let her work out the emotion, the hurt, of the past 20 years
