Master Yaddle had a private lesson with Anakin right before his session with Master Xio the day after he'd initially been scheduled to go back to the senate. She hadn't lost her interest in Anakin's new way of meditation. Or perhaps it was an old way, re-imagined? He wasn't sure, but he couldn't have been the only one to try and meditate like this.
In all honesty, learning to meditate using his lighter emotions, while not necessarily as easy as using his darker emotions, had helped him when it came to regular Jedi meditation, and he'd been able to get to medium levels of trances in recent months. He still couldn't achieve a large-scale battle meditation or a healing trance, but he was finding his ability to use the Force growing once again.
Or at least it had been. That particular session had been nothing but a series of failures. Of course, after Anakin's mental and emotional regression over the last few days, he was probably pretty lucky he was able to reach any trances at all with normal Jedi meditation.
Even his ability to focus with lighter emotions had been compromised, which he found particularly frustrating because after last week he'd actually been making leaps and bounds of improvement. Having to go back to where he'd been over a year before went beyond disheartening. And, naturally, he wasn't taking that calmly.
Kriffing Sith tendencies.
"Hmm, stop we should," Yaddle finally said after a half-an-hour of almost no progress. "Frustrated, you are. Little more good can we do today."
Anakin let out a grunt, half to show his agreement, half to show his frustration.
Yaddle raised an eyebrow at him, frowning. "Much you have gone through recently, yes? Be so hard on yourself, you should not. Patience, young one."
The former Sith Lord scoffed as he slouched and put his head in his hands. "Because I have all the time in the world. There's only a psychopathic Sith Lord who has far too much power that just keeps growing bent on controlling and subjugating and destroying the galaxy as we know it. Not to mention, the Jedi." He was glad they'd let her in on the secret for the most part. Keeping all of this from her would not have helped him at the moment, especially as he was really trying not to just throw his power around like Vader would have.
Yaddle tipped her head to one side. "Thought, I did, that care about the Republic, you did not."
Anakin blinked at her for a couple of seconds. He hadn't realized she'd caught on to that as it wasn't an opinion he liked to parade. He also noticed that she'd skipped over the Jedi altogether. Perceptive. After a couple more moments of study, he deflated a little.
"No, I don't. The Republic is corrupt and far too easily manipulated. Many of its policies are outdated and useless to say the least, outright harmful to say the worst, and it leaves itself open to those who simply want power and are clever enough to work around the obstacles."
The diminutive master nodded, although he figured it was more from understanding than agreement. "Have an alternative, do you? A solution... hmm?"
Anakin slumped just a little more. He'd discussed this very opinion with multiple people often back before the Empire. He'd had many opinions, and they'd all been naive, short-sighted and foolish.
"I used to think I did. Now I see that I did not. I'm not sure there is a solution. All forms of government are too easily corruptible. Someone somewhere will always be hurt or at a disadvantage depending on the people in power, and it will benefit others. I don't see a way around it. Although," he shot her a wry look, "I'm pretty sure that handing it over to the Sith Master is the worst 'solution' possible."
"Right there, you are," the older master said with a nod.
Anakin sighed. "I suppose you're going to tell me that whatever government helps the most people is the best one." Despite the people that left being dragged down to the bottom most rungs.
Yaddle seemed to think on that for a moment, then she shook her head. "Think, I do, that best, it is, when change their situation, a people can."
The former Sith's brow furrowed slightly as he puzzled over her words. "What do you mean?"
She shrugged and stood. "When arise, a problem does, if address it, a government allows, then good, a government is."
"But,"—Anakin shook his head—"there's so much potential for abuse in an organized party like that. People will inevitably bring up, change and address things for the worse just as often as they change things for the better."
"Wrong, you are not," she conceded. She didn't otherwise do or say anything, simply waiting for Anakin as she rested on her staff.
"So... you think the ability to choose and change is more important than peace?" he asked, now thoroughly confused.
"If forced into peace, one is, treasure it, will they?"
Anakin looked down at his hands as he contemplated that. "I... suppose not."
"But if chosen, peace is..."
"Then they'll fight for it," Anakin concluded, almost to himself as he hadn't ever contemplated it like that before. "Or at least work to preserve it. But, doesn't that mean that they'd need to know more about war and battle and pain to really understand and get to a point where they'd choose it?"
"Perhaps," Yaddle said with a passive wave of her hand. "But learn from others' mistakes, many can."
"But some can't..."
"Hmm. Can't, you say? Or won't?"
Anakin didn't answer. He was sure that there would be people who quite literally couldn't choose peace, for one reason or another, and yet...
"The ability to choose; precious above all other gifts, this is."
He wasn't sure he quite agreed with that, but as a former slave, he could certainly see where she was coming from.
"In any case, done, you are, for today. Go to greet Master Xio, you should. Then, relax. Rest, you need, I think."
"Yes," Anakin replied absently, then shook his head and bowed to the master. "Thank you for your help, Master Yaddle."
"Happy to help, I am," Yaddle said with a smile. "Think on our talk, you should. Come up with your own solution, you will. Faith, I have, in you. See you next week, I will."
With that, she bowed to the initiate and shuffled out of the room. Anakin just watched her go. She'd had some interesting points, even if he wasn't sure he could entirely agree with them.
"Good evening," he said after her, then went about gathering his own things, before heading off to Master Xio's.
xXx
"So,"—the older woman looked at Anakin a little warily after they'd gotten seated—"a dream?"
Anakin winced. "Yes."
She frowned and cocked her head to one side. "Are you... up for talking about it, or should we discuss something else?"
Unlike before, with Girth, Anakin really thought about her question and about everything he'd been through in the last couple of days. If he said 'no', they'd move on to another topic and he wouldn't have to touch that particularly painful wound. If he said 'yes'... would that be too much? After everything? After knowing that his mind-healers wouldn't judge him, and that Ahsoka and Siri, his friends and even Obi-Wan and Ferus were there for him despite it all...
Well, he had to rephrase that in his mind as most of them didn't really know. Siri most certainly did. Girth (and by extension, Master Xio) did in this particular instance, as did Ahsoka. Coira, Yaddle and Yoda knew the basics, but no recent details (although he had little doubt the Masters could fill in those details themselves). He even suspected that Mace and a couple of the other Council members knew more than they were letting on... but...
"I... don't want the Council to hear about this," he said softly.
Master Xio nodded gravely. "I can agree to that, if I can tell Master Yoda. Or you can, if you'd prefer."
Anakin outright cringed that time. "Does he... already know about what I told Girth?"
She sighed and nodded again. "That was part of the original deal, and you didn't specify not to. I'm not sure it even occurred to Girth to not tell, seeing as Master Yoda's been so involved in your treatment so far."
Part of that made Anakin feel a little sick. Part of that seemed to lift a burden from his shoulders. He wasn't sure how he could feel both relieved and worried about the same thing simultaneously.
"Then... I don't think..." He took a breath and then shook his head. "Not today."
She nodded. "Alright. Just keep in mind that you'll be going back to the Senate next week. Do you think you'll be able to talk about it after that while confronting him still?"
Anakin bit his lip. It was a good point. They may have to wait until well after he'd finished the program before he could speak about it. Or... maybe he'd be fine. He wasn't sure. He was pretty sure that he wasn't up for it now.
"No," he said with a sigh, "But I... really can't, right now."
She simply nodded. "I understand. When you are ready to talk, we'll discuss it.
"Until then, I have a couple of other things I've written down that we can discuss today. Or you can bring up something yourself, if you'd like."
"I... did run into a padawan I tended to... butt heads with in my previous life, the other day."
Master Xio looked interested. "Oh?"
Anakin nodded. "Yes. He's... also Obi-Wan's new padawan."
The older woman blinked. "Ferus Olin?" she asked.
It was Anakin's turn to look surprised. "You know him?"
"Well, Obi-Wan has become my patient."
The former Sith blinked at her for several seconds. "Since when?"
She smirked. "Yesterday, actually."
"And he... came to you? Or he was ordered?" Anakin asked slowly.
"He came to me on Siri's recommendation. He said that he needed to learn to be healthier so he could teach his padawan correctly. He also gave me permission to share that with you if it came up."
That... didn't sound like Anakin's old master.
"Who is he and what has he done with Obi-Wan?" Anakin heard himself asking.
Master Xio looked amused and a little sad. "He wouldn't have done that in your previous life?"
Anakin shook his head firmly. "Obi-Wan despises the healers' wing with about as much passion as a Jedi can have. He hates being here and... I think he hates admitting that he needs help at all. He'd prefer to just push through it and solve everyone else's problems first."
The Jedi Master nodded. "I got a similar sense from him. He was extremely uncomfortable and I got the feeling that he wouldn't have been here if he'd had any other choice."
"I'm surprised Siri convinced him that he didn't." Because wow. It just... blew his mind. Obi-Wan... in mind-healing... willingly... He really wasn't sure what to think of that just because it never would have happened in his memories.
"Well, we aren't here to talk about Obi-Wan..."—she paused—"unless you want to. You did mention his padawan?"
Anakin shook his head, coming back to himself. "Yes. So, I was training in the salles the other evening, and as I was closing up..."
So he told her about his encounter with Ferus. He wasn't even sure why he wanted to talk about it, except that the subject wouldn't be about his horrible dreams or Palpatine. It didn't take him long to finish, and once he did, he sat back in his chair.
Master Xio nodded at him, looking far happier than she had before. "It sounds like you helped him quite a bit... although I do have to warn you against making predictions or diagnosis until you've taken classes and have been given permission from your teacher to do so."
Anakin nodded. "I understand. You have my apologies."
Xio waved it away. "Just keep it in mind for the future. You didn't know better. Besides, I'm proud of you for going out of your way to help someone else – someone you don't seem to like."
The former Sith folded his arms. "I don't hate him."
"That isn't what I said, is it?" the older master said with an amused smile and raised eyebrow.
Anakin didn't answer. He decided to move on to something else he'd realized while speaking with Ferus and Siri the previous week.
"I'm coming to see more and more that the Jedi aren't what I thought they were... even after living with them for over a decade. I don't understand how I could have missed so much about how sapient they are. I mean, I knew they were imperfect, but they still constantly disappointed me. At one point, I knew that didn't make them evil, per se, but as Vader..." He sighed, shaking his head slowly.
"It can be difficult to let go of an ideal, especially when it pertains to someone else. That attitude also fits in with the Emotional Regulation Disorder we've been working on. Extremes in ideals, even if you know they don't really apply."
"Yet more proof," he muttered. At Master Xio's puzzled expression, Anakin snorted. "Only Sith deal in black and white."
She looked genuinely shocked. "Who told you that?"
Anakin shrugged. "Obi-Wan... after I'd fallen and when we were fighting on Mustafar."
"Musta... Wait." She held up a finger. "Is this one of those instances where you won't be able to talk about it right now?"
Anakin nodded apologetically.
A sigh. "Anakin, I... don't think that's true. I know far too many people – some of whom are Jedi – who see the world as they want, and others who refuse to see any middle ground. They must be handled cautiously, but they exist simply because sapients, as a whole, tend to err on the side of caution and would much rather find an area they can be sure is safe or right, not realizing that there will always be exceptions and extremes that stray too far."
The former Sith Lord thought about that for a moment before nodding. "I believe I understand your point, and I can agree."
The woman smiled. "I'm glad, although you don't have to agree with me, you know."
Anakin smirked at her. "Yes, I do know."
"Good."
They fell into quiet for a few moments, with Master Xio checking over some notes. Then Anakin spoke again.
"Those people who only see things in black and white... a lot of them are children, aren't they."
Master Xio looked surprised by the question. "Many of them, yes. Children's minds are still developing and sometimes simply can't grasp the nuances that an adult can. Some brains never fully develop, or they over develop and those people simply cannot grasp some things that someone else in their shoes would. That's one possible source of autism.
"Why do you ask?"
"I... just used to think, before I came to the Temple, that the Jedi were these perfect defenders of the galaxy. I'm not sure I ever really dropped that ideal... and I'm not the only child to think that way. Even Jedi children seem to want that to be true."
Xio blinked. "Wanting the Order to be like that and thinking the Order is like that are two different things, even if there can be overlap. And I suppose that Jedi younglings, of all children, hear stories of Jedi heroes. It can be difficult to realize that ones heroes are sapient and have flaws – sometimes very painful and damaging ones."
Anakin sighed, thinking of Coira and her intense desire to just make everything good and light and wholesome. "Those who can't realize the gray areas – who can't change... they don't make good Jedi, I don't think."
The mind healer frowned. "Why do you say that?"
"It's too easy to disappoint them. Then they become disillusioned at best, and can Fall at worst. It's almost like their own bright light drives them into darkness, and when they fall, they fall hard."
"Like you did?" Xio asked softly.
Anakin nodded grimly.
The older woman frowned again. "You're worried about someone in particular, aren't you. Ferus?"
He felt a half-smile come to his lips. "A little. But I was thinking more about your padawan. She reminds me so much of... well... me that it's a little frightening."
That seemed to surprise Xio. "Coira is... very optimistic," she said slowly, "and I know she's having trouble adjusting, but I don't think she's in danger of Falling. And, to be fair, she doesn't have a Dark Lord of the Sith grooming her to become his next apprentice."
"No," Anakin replied, "but she does talk to one on a regular basis."
Xio's frown deepened. "You aren't a Sith anymore. You said so yourself."
Anakin's expression turned wry. "I'm not much of a Jedi either. I don't believe in the Order, I don't really believe in the Republic... Maybe I have it wrong, and it's the pragmatic members of the Order who drive the lighter ones who see things in black and white down." Like Obi-Wan had driven him down? No, more like everyone else had. The Obi-Wan from Anakin's teenage memories still seemed like the epitome of Jedi, even now. How much of a facade had that been? He suddenly wondered.
"Anakin," Xio said with a frown, bringing him out of his reverie, "do you feel like you're dragging people into darkness?"
His brow furrowed as he thought about her question. "If I am," he finally answered, "I do not mean to. But then, I suppose that other pragmatic Jedi could be the same. I wouldn't exactly call myself a beacon of the light side anymore, am I. And I don't seem to be the only one in the order, currently... ironically."
"You don't think you're bringing anyone down?" she asked again, apparently wanting him to answer more clearly.
His lips thinned. "I honestly don't know. I would hope if I were that someone like Siri or Master Yaddle or Master Yoda or you or Girth would be able to point it out to me... so I would lean towards 'no'. At least not through the Force. I could definitely be one of those pragmatic Force-users who drives people away from the light, though."
She shook her head. "If that were really true, every person with a sunny disposition would end up cynical and/or depressed whenever they met someone with a different opinion. While it's not unheard of for such mind-sets to sway over time, I do think it's more a matter of support and preparation. I know your master tried to prepare you, but he didn't know what he had to fight against. You didn't have the support you needed, and what you did have was very harshly, if subtly, undermined."
"So Palpatine's the reason why I was so convinced everyone else was so perfect? And I just wasn't?"
Xio nodded. "Partially. He did have you convinced that you were different but above the rules, didn't he?"
Anakin couldn't help but feel annoyed that they'd gotten back to talking about Palpatine. The one topic he'd like to avoid.
"Yes. Although I didn't need much encouragement. Besides, the Jedi were the ones who told me I was The Chosen One."
"So he took an idea you already had and twisted it."
"It seems to be his M.O."
The mind healer sighed. "Effective."
Anakin smirked a little, even if it wobbled a bit. "And pragmatic."
"Pragmatism doesn't mean darkness."
"It doesn't exactly scream light either."
"No," she conceded. "But it does scream survival."
Anakin thought about that, then let out a deep breath. "I wish I could be more optimistic and less pragmatic."
Xio's smile was sad. "Many people would prefer to deal more with our higher needs revolving around happiness than our lower ones dealing more with survival. But, to be fair, I don't think you're as 'pragmatic' as you think you are."
A couple of moments of silence. "I... hope you're right."
The master's smile became far more real. "That's the spirit."
xXx
Anakin was glad Xio hadn't pushed him for details of his dreams. They'd instead gone over more philosophy for the rest of the session, and Anakin now had several things to think about that didn't dredge up the horrors of his past.
Now, he strolled into the training halls yet again, searching for Siri. She should be there...
Ah, there she was.
He walked over to one of the longer rooms where she was going through her lightsaber forms. A couple of other Jedi were going through their own forms in the room, but there would definitely be enough room for a minor duel if they were willing to keep his true skill from being observed (he felt they'd done a fairly good job and hoped no one had seen how much he'd improved – the last thing he needed was more attention).
"Knight Tachi," he called to her as he walked in. She finished her kata and turned to him.
"What happened to 'Siri'?" she asked.
He thumbed over his shoulder at the other knights, both radiating amusement for some reason.
"Ah," she replied with a nod of her head. Then she gestured to the empty space beside her. "Care to join me?"
Anakin nodded, falling into a couple of stretches to begin warming up. Siri turned her lightsaber back on and began to go through the next form.
"How long do you think it will be before they try and tell me to stop coming down here so often again?" Anakin asked.
Siri raised an eyebrow as she looked over at him without missing a beat in her current form. "The Initiate Council? Or the High Council?"
"Either," Anakin replied.
"Well, you've already tested out of so many classes and subjects... I think they're scrambling with you a bit, Anakin. If you have free time but are using it well, I doubt they'll say anything."
"I do think it's a little ridiculous that I can't take higher-placed classes until I'm a padawan, but I also understand why. Doesn't mean it's any less frus—"
He cut off as a ping from his comm went off. He glanced at Siri who shrugged, somehow still keeping up with her form. So he dug his comm out of his pocket and began to scroll through it.
When he hadn't moved several minutes later, Siri finally came over to see what had him so enthralled.
"Anakin?" she asked.
He just turned a pale face up to her and showed her the holo message.
"Isn't that the message board..." she faded off and her own eyes widened. "Oh..."
"Dooku wants to meet. He said it was an emergency."
Siri stared at the message for several seconds. From Tyra... Tyrannus. That had to be Anakin's morbid idea of an inside joke.
"Do you want to go?" she asked.
Anakin looked down at the holocomm again. "I... don't know. I must admit I am... curious to see his mental state, and yet..."
"It's dangerous," she replied softly.
"Yes," the former Sith replied, his tone matching hers. "I have no idea how far he's fallen or what he's doing for Palpatine..."
"Then let me go."
Anakin jumped a little. "What? No!"
She raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"
"It's Tyrannus! One of the best duelists to come out of the Jedi Order, full stop."
"And?"
He scowled at her. "This is no time to suddenly get reckless," he hissed.
She held out her hand. "Hi, Kettle. I'm Pot."
He was sure his expression should have sucked the air in the room as dry as Tatooine's. "I am glad you find yourself so amusing."
She shrugged. "I've always been a little reckless, Anakin. I've also been bored staying cooped up here recently. Plus... what does the Force tell you?"
Anakin opened his mouth to argue, but then paused and closed it again because she was right. It was nudging him to agree. And he was curious...
He threw his hands up in the air. "Fine. We'll go and meet him." Then he turned and stalked towards the door of the room. "This will require some planning," he called back without turning around.
"Be right there, oh wise one," she called after him as she shut off her lightsaber hurried to fall into step beside him.
The other Jedi looked after them for a moment, amused, before returning to their own practice.
xXx
AN: A huge thanks to Quathis who has let me bounce ideas off of him day in and day out for weeks as I try to figure this out. You'd think this would get easier to figure out people's psyche as you go along. Even characters. It doesn't.
Also, I'd like to thank Carradee and Khalthar for their everlasting support. You guys don't know how much you mean to me or to this fic.
Lastly, I'd like to thank everyone who has read and/or favortied this fic or any in this series. Thank you.
