Hi everyone, thanks for waiting patiently (most of you) for an update I appreciate it. I spent time finishing I Dont Know You Anymore. Its hard to juggle more than one fic and I am not a machine so to the guest who keeps demanding updates, just know that the more demanding people become, the less I want to write. I do this for fun (or at least I should be) and no one is paying for my time (and nor should they), so understand that besides this, I work long hours every day and I have a little family that I have to be present for and writing such long updates requires at least 10 hours in a week... so while I appreciate that you want to read, demands feel a little disrespectful. So stop it.
If I'm honest, Im going through some shit and thats why this has taken so long. In my down time Ive wanted to do nothing but stare at the TV and sleep 12 hrs a night... but finally feeling like I could write some of this again. I'm going to say that I think this only has a small handful of chapters left, we might get to 20 chapters, we'll see. Not bad for what was gonna be a one-shot.
Anyway, thank you to you all beautiful people for reading and dropping your kind comments and for always getting right in to my plots, its so sweet! If you wanna read something a lil longer, please go see I Dont Know You Anymore, or whatever else is in my profile. :) I probably wont be able to post updates every single week as my work is getting busier and busier this time of year but will do my very best! Thanks loves!
ps. I didnt check this for mistakes as its almost 1am and I have to fit sleep in somewhere. So... try not to heckle my dumb mistakes too much lol
"So wait, what do you mean?" Olivia asked the woman who stood before her, "you're just… poof," she clicked her fingers, "you've just decided it's too much trouble so you've tossed it in the too hard basket?"
"No," the older woman set down some paperwork and glanced back at Olivia. It bothered her that the woman wasn't giving her her undivided attention. "We aren't going to get the funding and we find that the people who have been assaulted or in need are not really the… you know…" she paused, smiling tersely at the detective, "the serious cases."
Olivia glanced around the community centre and bit her lip to keep from losing her temper. She had met women like this before and it usually was an older generation who were probably not given enough love and understanding in their own time and felt younger people were too far coddled by society. "Okay, so now I really do have to ask, what exactly do you consider a serious case?"
"Don't be glib, Ms. Benson, college students who get a little drunk and confused with what they wanted, a lot of teens here with nothing better to do than-"
"Stop," Olivia held up her hand and sighed, she pulled out her badge and showed her. "It's actually Lieutenant Benson of Special Victims in Manhattan, I don't love to hear victims have been turned away on account of being drunk or wearing the wrong thing or not raped enough for you to consider them a victim, because I assure you, I take every complaint very seriously whether its domestic assault, rape, sexual harassment or other and so should you and this community."
The woman opened her mouth to say something before closing it again.
"So," Olivia began, "not enough funding and who was in charge of the project to begin with?"
"Me," she replied, "but there were no volunteers, no interest, no funding, nothing…"
"Yeah and I supposed you'd have to get some training in dealing with victims too," Olivia didn't mean her comment to be patronising but the woman took offence. "So who do I speak to about getting this kind of thing moving? I have a lot of resources at my disposal."
"As I told you, it's not going ahead, I was going to spear-head the campaign but its just too much work."
"Okay, well if you decide you're not going to spearhead the campaign, turn your information over to someone who is willing to try to get it off the ground. I have another person who is more than willing to put the effort in and will stop at nothing. Between us we have medical, legal and law enforcement skills and a whole lot of experience. Don't try to gate keep necessary community safe programs."
"Didn't you say you work in Manhattan?," she questioned Olivia, "you're not even from here."
"Actually, I am a Manhattan detective, yes, but I live part time here in Farrah's Ridge."
"There's only one property over that way and the owners passed it on to their kids," she challenged Olivia, being perfectly argumentative and she was beginning to lose her temper. She looked at the woman's name tag and back up at her.
"Yeah," she nodded, glancing back at her name tag, "May, is it?" She didn't wait for her to answer, "My partner is Trevor Langan, I'm sure you know who he is."
"Ah," her demeanour instantly changed. "The lovely, respectable Harvard lawyer…"
"Sounds like him…" her voice trailed. "So listen, are you going to help me with this or not? Because I'm happy to go and seek some guidance from the local police to figure out what resources they are unable to fund and how we can look to turn the tide here in town and all the surrounds."
"We need money and a space, currently I was given a spot for a community gathering and since not a single person showed up, that time slot was therefore taken away from me."
"Okay, well we'll find a space and I am happy to help with whatever you need. From the community stand-point, we probably need people who know the community. I'm new, but I want to make this my community too and it is my vested interest always in showing all women compassion and kindness. Trevor's little sister, Angela is also very interested in helping, with her specialised medical experience and understanding of this community, I think she would be great."
"Angela is back from abroad?" May questioned her.
"Yes, Ange is back, but that's probably not information she's ready to share yet, so …"
May just nodded.
"Okay, if I organise a meeting will you make it? Angela too?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay…"
Finally, Olivia thought, they were meeting in the middle. She got the feeling this woman's ego had been bruised when nobody was interested in pitching in. She tried not to be too harsh, perhaps there was a story behind her push to develop something for women, she decided to be patient and kind and play in to the older woman's hand a little.
They exchanged numbers and Olivia finally left to go pick up some groceries and snacks to keep her stomach full during her morning sickness.
/
"Ughhh! I am so happy," Angela told Trevor with a sigh. "It's kind of fallen together, now I just have to worry about getting a car…"
He smiled at his sister as he threw some firewood on the fire. "So just take the range rover," he told her, "I'll drive the truck and when you guys come back to the city, you can drive it back and hold on to it, next time we come, we'll just take Liv's car, it's not like it ever gets driven in the city."
"Really? I mean, I'll look for one in the meantime…"
"No, its fine, we probably have no use for three cars, kiddo, just use it, there's no rush, just make sure you take care of it."
"Thanks…" she smiled. "Trev… I actually have a favour to ask you but… before I do, I have something big I need to tell you, I'm really going to trust you not to repeat it to anyone."
"Okay, sounds serious…" he could tell by her expression that it was. She looked down at her beer for some courage. "It's okay," he added, "I can handle it… Is it about Olivia?"
"No, its about something from the past that I probably should have told someone at the time, but… Mom passed and then I couldn't bare to say anything."
"Okay," he said calmly, "you can tell me…"
"Do you remember I was dating that guy for awhile? James Hartwell, he was some local dipshit I met at a bar, I think he was a cattle farmer-"
"Yeah, I remember him, weedy little guy, I didn't know what you saw in him," he chuckled. He paused, "wait, he didn't do anything to you did he? Because I see that punk ass around town-"
"No, he didn't do anything to me, Trev, its okay," she said softly. She took a swig of her beer and took a deep breath, "But he got me pregnant…"
"Oh…" Trevor motioned for her to take a seat on the bench where they all usually sat around the fire. "What happ-" he stopped asking the question. It was obvious what had happened. "Did you … miscarry or did you-"
"I didn't miscarry," she said quietly.
"Was this after or before Mom?," he wanted to know.
"I knew before Mom passed. James was trying to plan our life together and I felt so trapped and none of his plans gave a fuck about my plans to become a doctor - he wanted me to give it all up and let him keep me and I was really scared and alone…"
"You don't have to explain your choice, kiddo… but…"
"I made the decision to ask for Mom's help, I wanted to keep the baby but I didn't want to give up med school and then just as I was working up the courage to tell her, she passed and I just panicked and didn't want to tell anyone so I did what I had to do, none of you needed to deal with that… I couldn't tell Jen because she was so sad about having trouble conceiving at the time." Angela shrugged.
Trevor put an arm around his sister. "You could have told me and I would have helped you."
"You couldn't have helped, Trev, you were living most of the time in Manhattan and busy and the way James was acting…" she sighed and shrugged. "Anyway, I did a shitty thing and placated James and then ran away to London without telling him and wrote him an email and he's still furious with me."
"Oh, Angie…" he sighed, even he knew despite wanting to go back in time and beat Hartwell senseless, his sister had definitely done the wrong thing. If in the same situation, he would have been angry too.
"I didn't see a way out and I felt so fucking alone and this guy, he wanted a house wife and a dozen fucking kids living in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere, Trev and no matter how many times I tried to communicate that it wasn't what I wanted, he would insist…"
"I understand, at the end of the day it's your body. It's not like it was planned…"
"Oh, it was definitely not on my bingo card at, what? I was barely 22. But Trev, I'm so scared of running in to him, I know he's gonna be mad and I'm a little frightened from the vibe of his messages…"
"Okay… well don't worry, we can work it out."
"Liv suggested that I talk to you about it and maybe try to meet with him to talk and face up to it, but I need you with me, I need someone with me…"
"Of course," he said, putting to the back of his mind that she'd already told Olivia. He wasn't surprised that she had, they'd spent a lot of time together and Olivia had a certain something about her that allowed people to share things that they wouldn't normally tell others. "You contact him and I'll be with you and if he ever, ever approaches you or gets aggressive, you tell me, kiddo, I will break his face lightning fast. Nothing's changed, you're still my baby sister."
She smiled, feeling a weight had been lifted. "Thanks…"
He kissed the top of her head. "Always."
"So anyway, I was thinking, I'm gonna take the kids tonight, Noah and Olly and the twins and we're gonna have an Aunty sleep over in the guesthouse and tomorrow I'm gonna start looking at somewhere to live."
"Okay sleepover sounds great, I encourage this," he chuckled, "but looking for a house? What's wrong with the guesthouse?"
"It's hardly permanent," she laughed. "And also, I walked away and told you guys I wanted nothing to do with this. I didn't want my share, I didn't want money, I'm not expecting to walk back in after being such a little shit about it all and staking a claim," she explained
He laughed, "You really were a little shit about it," he agreed, "but its okay, we knew it was just the grief talking and we never would have absolved your share of what Dad and Mom left us, Ange, we knew one day you'd have some regrets so of course you can stay here… why don't you just find a spot where you want to build a house and build it on here, you can fence it if you need or want privacy, you don't have to live like Joe and I do, in each other's pockets…"
"I don't know… is it weird? Are we turning in to a commune?," she joked.
Trevor laughed. "Mmm I don't know, I guess it does seem kind of weird, but for me, Joey's house is far enough away that I can't hear him farting in the night and close enough for me to go and steal food or firewood," he smirked.
Angela laughed too. "I guess it's just like having neighbours, but makes sense since you're eventually going to be earning a living. I guess there's just not that much privacy…"
"Well," he began, "I think eventually I'll be putting a fence up because I don't want the kids to go wandering — remember even Dad had a fence around the house when we were young, you loved to try to get away."
Ange smiled. "Its starting to get easier…" she said slowly, looking around, "being here, I mean… I thought it would take longer, but… it helps that you changed the kitchen."
Trevor nodded. It wasn't just for her, it was for him and Joey too. The kitchen was the place where his mother had a heart attack and died when she had been making breakfast while Angela had been sitting at the dining table studying on break. She did all the right things, she had called out to her brothers and sister-in-law, she had administered CPR, thinking in the moment how lucky she had been that she had just re-done her first aid course. She worked on her mother for as long as she could which felt like hours before the paramedics arrived.
Trevor remembered watching as his little sister fell back on to her backside on the hardwood floor, detached, staring at her mouth as they called time on her death. When the paramedics ceased working on her, Angela had tried to fight them out of the way so that she could continue. It took both him and Joey to pull her away.
"I wouldn't have been able to live there if I kept everything the same," he replied, "I changed it for all of us, too many bad memories associated and its hard to remember the good ones when the bad one is so … bad."
She agreed. "I guess I'm slowly starting to realise that I feel closer to Mom and Dad here… I know you always say Dad was hard on you, but I don't have that memory."
Trevor chuckled. "You were his angel, you could do no wrong, you little squirt. Its okay, I know Dad loved me, he just had certain ideas about what being a man was, it was more inline with the prodigal son, Joseph."
They both laughed, "I think if Dad knew me as a grown up and if he gave off those vibes to me now I would have had some shit to say. You were always the favourite for me," she giggled, "I know I'm not supposed to say that, but you were softer and nicer and the one that would play games with me, you were still playing babies with me when you were like … 16."
"I wasn't exactly actively playing, I would humour you, you were little, maybe you thought I was really in to it, but I just loved watching you have so much fun and it made Mom happy to have some time to herself."
Angela laughed. "I was a spoiled little shit. But you know, Joey and I have gotten a lot closer over the years, he's softened actually, so much since Dad passed…"
"Yeah, it hit him harder than he'll ever admit. He was the golden boy, Dad's best friend… we were more Mom's favourites," Trevor replied. "Mom would always ask for big bear hugs from me and Joe and he would walk right past, waving her off, but not me, I lived like it was my aim to make her happy."
"What a man," Angela chuckled, "no wonder you're so gentle with Liv, Mom trained you up well. You're the right amount of sensitive without giving someone the ick…"
They both laughed. "I'm really glad you're back, Angie, if I haven't said that before, I'm saying it now. I'm sorry for what happened in London, but I'm so glad you're back and I think we should look at building you a spot here, I can help you find somewhere nice on the farm, we can fence it off, make you a nice driveway and you can keep to yourself as much or as little as you want…."
"Thanks for not just deciding I was an asshole when I bolted after Mom passed."
"Don't be silly, you were a baby, you still are… you've had a lot of loss a little too early in life, kiddo. I know why you left but I also knew you'd come back in your own time."
Angela sank against Trevor's shoulder. Olivia smiled as she made her way over, holding Noah's hand, happy that they had finally talked and cleared the air.
"Hey guys…" she waved at them, "how's it going?"
"Good," Trevor smiled as she let go of Noah's hand. He made his way to Trevor, climbing up on to his lap.
"Daddy, I missed you when I had my nap today," he remarked. "I never have a nap anymore because I'm a big boy."
Angela and Trevor chuckled at the little boy. "You know, sometimes even big boys take naps… sometimes Daddy takes naps."
"But Daddy and Mommy's are old," he informed Angela, "they need more sleep when you're an old guy."
Trevor snorted, "Noah, I'm not that old, I'm certainly not an old guy…"
Olivia snickered. "Bet he got that from Joey."
"I'll bet," Angela agreed. "Anyway, guess what Noah? Tonight we're gonna have a sleep over at my house with Olly and the twins, are you excited?"
"Wait, you are?" Olivia asked, the first she was hearing about it.
"Yeah, is that okay? I thought I would take the kids for the night and have an aunty night."
"Uh… sure… do you wanna do that Noah? With Aunty Ange? You've had a nice big nap so you can probably stay up super late," Olivia teased, winking at Angela.
"Okay, well not too late, let's not get too silly," she replied with a laugh.
"Yeah! I wanna have a sleep over with you!," he said excitedly, "can we eat candy?"
"Maybe a little candy but not too much, not as much as Uncle Joey let's you guys have… I'm a little more sensible than Joey."
"So you know what that means, love?" Trevor asked Olivia.
"What?"
"Impromptu date night!," he told her excitedly. Angela took Noah from Trevor's lap and cuddled him in to her own arms, absolute besotted by Olivia and now Trevor's son.
"I can't drink alcohol, no fun," she pouted.
"You know, Liv, if you can't enjoy a night out without alcohol, there's a name for that…" Angela teased.
"Angela…" her voice trailed off and tone said more than her words could with Noah within earshot.
"No… maybe you can't drink alcohol, but it's more about wanting to spend time alone with me and me wanting to spend time alone with you, do you really need to be drunk to enjoy that?," he asked, unsure if she was serious.
She laughed, "I'm kidding Trevor, it's fine, but I have anxiety about this whole thing and if I could have something to take the edge off…"
"Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm going to round the kids up and I'm going to take them to the T-O-Y S-T-O-R-E and Aunty Angela is gonna spoil them rotten…"
"Oh Ange, you don't have to do that, I'm sure between them they all have enough."
"Probably… but Aunty Angie is allowed to buy the kids g-i-f-t-s because she can." She looked at Noah, "we're gonna have such a fun adventure tonight, are you excited?"
"Uhuh!," he nodded, grinning at her. She could barely resist his adorable, dimple and baby toothed smile. She gave him a little squeeze and kissed him, making him giggle.
Olivia smiled at their relationship that had bloomed pretty quickly. She could tell just how much Angela adored Noah and the feeling was mutual. Most nights she played chutes and ladders with him back in Manhattan and she took him for walks in the park and through Times Square where normally Olivia tried to avoid like the plague.
"Did you want me to come with you?" Trevor asked her, "just in case you run in to anyone…"
"Mmmm, I think it'll be okay…"
"Well — Noah and I are about to go for a swim, what are you guys up to now?," Olivia asked.
"Yeah! Mommy and I are gonna have a swim in the grown up pool, aren't we Mommy?" Noah asked, sliding from Angie's lap.
"Yep, a promise is a promise…" she told him happily.
"Daddy can you swim too?," he asked.
"I'm sorry kiddo, I would love nothing but to hang out and swim with you and Mommy, but I have some work to do with Uncle Joe for the whole afternoon so I can't. In fact, I better go see what's keeping him…" he got up and turned to his sister. "What about you? What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna go annoy Jen and let her know my plans with the kids for tonight." She stood up too, "I'll tell Joe you're waiting for his lame butt…" she told Trevor. "Have fun in the pool guys!"
"Mommmmyyyy come on!" Noah tugged at Olivia's arm.
"Wait a second, babe…" she told him, taking a seat next to Trevor where Angela had been. Noah let out a dramatic sigh, groaning.
"Hey kiddo, don't do that," Trevor told him, "just be patient with Mommy, please, she's tired."
Olivia said nothing, liking Trevor was often the voice that Noah listened to. He wasn't sure yet how far he could push the boundaries so he hadn't started. "So date night, huh?," she asked him.
"Yeah, I know I'll be out for awhile with Joey fixing this stupid fence for a couple of hours at least… but if I had of known Angie was planning to be aunt of the year, I would have something more elaborate planned."
"Weeee-lllll, can I organise a date instead? You've got to do all of that in the past and maybe I can do some planning and surprise you with something nice."
A little smile spread across Trevor's lips. She could tell that he liked the idea. "Talk about dismantling traditional gender roles," he joked, "I dunno, that's kinda… nice, sure, but no pressure, if you want me to organise something, you tell me…"
She shook her head, grinning at him. "Get ready for the best date," she winked, getting up. "Make sure you come and see me before you guys head off."
/
Olivia searched the internet for recipes and date ideas, realising it was a lot harder than she thought. She had never really had to worry about organising a date for anyone, she would more-or-less go along with whatever the other person wanted to do.
But, this was different — this was Trevor, she wanted to do things for him that made him feel wanted and appreciated too, she knew that it wouldn't matter what it was, the intention would be enough — but still, she wanted to do something a bit traditional and romantic and hoped that she could pull it off.
Olivia raided the cupboard before going to Jen's to find out where she could get her hands on a few things and to figure out if she'd need to go to the supermarket in town. She remembered Trevor telling her a few days earlier that Asparagus was one of his favourite vegetables but for whatever reason, he didn't eat it often.
She got a bunch of it from the garden and some mushrooms from Jen and consulted with her about how to make her own pasta from scratch - she was okay in the kitchen, not a culinary genius but she figured she could pull off a recipe if she had enough time and Trevor was gone for most of the afternoon.
She got back to the house after a quick trip to town to pick up some things. She got out all of her ingredients and prepared everything, texting Trevor, letting him know he wasn't allowed back at the house until she said so as she was preparing their date.
He texted back with heart eyes, promising that there was a lot of work and he suspected he wouldn't be back til quite late in the afternoon anyway.
She opened a bottle of pinot and poured herself a glass as she began working on the pasta with loud music playing in the background, enjoying company on her own for the first time for as long as she could remember.
She picked up the glass of wine and took a long sip before realising, mouth-full that her drinking days were over — for at least the next 7 and a half months. She spat the liquid back in the glass, cursing beneath her breath. She poured it in to the sink.
With a sigh and a smile at her own forgetfulness, she texted Jen. "Can you believe what a moron I am? I almost took a big gulp of this…I was right in the zone too."
She put her phone down and poured herself a glass of soda instead, putting a wine cork in the bottle, deciding to hand it over to Ange later so that it didn't go to waste. She took a gulp of her soda but it didn't have the same effect.
Jen replied, "Its a fucking torture, isn't? When the kids are driving me mad, I usually just take ten min to myself and have a glass of wine to take the edge off how angry they're making me, but now…. No wine for us… Don't worry, we can commiserate and I'm in this with you. We can take our first bottle of wine together after we have our babies."
Olivia smiled and replied with a heart.
She opened the recipe on her iPad and started prepping in to groups of what ingredient was needed for which part of the meal.
It turned out to be therapeutic for her as she danced her way around the kitchen, singing along at the top of her voice, cranking the volume as loud as possible without disturbing or drawing attention to herself.
Wish I could see what its like to be the blood in my veins… do the insides of all of my fingers still look the same? And can you feel it too? When I am touching you? And when my hair stands on end, it's saluting you…
She couldn't wait for Trevor to see what she had made for him - the effort that she had gone to just for him. She had never been so in love with another man; no one had ever made her feel so safe and so sure of herself. She was experiencing just a little bit of morning sickness and Trevor had been right there with her through it. He was dependable and nothing was ever too much trouble or more important to him than taking care of his family.
She went let her ravioli's dry out and started working on roasting the asparagus and making and prepping the ingredients ready for the pasta sauce. She tried it as she went to ensure everything tasted as good and as fresh as she imagined it.
"The blush in your cheeks says that you bleed like me and the 808 beat, sends your heart to your feet — I left my shoes in the street so you could carry me… Through a break down- through a break out or a black out, would you make out with me on the floor of the mezzanine?"
While she was waiting for her raviolis to dry out and the asparagus to roast, Olivia went upstairs and tied up their bedroom and changed the bedding - a tiny cherry on top of their night. Trevor had commented on how nothing felt as nice to him as getting in to a bed with fresh sheets after a big day.
It was a small gesture, but again, one that he would appreciate.
She went back downstairs and laid out to estupid little game she had bought. She turned the living room floor in to a picnic space with a few blankets and all the cushions he had used for their outdoor date the very first night she had arrived at the farm. She put the candles she had bought all around the hard surfaces of the living room, wanting to really set the atmosphere.
She felt happy with the way that everything looked.
She turned her music down a little bit when she saw at the window, Ange approaching with Noah balanced on her hip, crying a little. "Heyyyy," she opened up the door, letting Trevor's sister and her son cross the threshold. Angela looked around, deciding to mind her business.
"What's the matter?," she asked, directing the question at her son. She ran her fingers through his curls.
"He just wasn't sure where you and Trevor were and got a little upset," Ange explained, "so I told him that we'd come over here and see how Mommy was doing with her cooking."
"Oh my love, it's okay," she rubbed his back soothingly, "I was just here the whole time, I didn't want to interrupt your swim with Daddy and then I knew you were going to be playing with Olly."
"And then I'm going to take Olly and Noah and the twins to the T-O-Y store before it closes with Jen," she told Liv.
"Aww, that's so sweet of you, Ange… they'll love that so much."
"So will I," she replied with a laugh. She turned to Noah, "would you like to give Mommy a big cuddle?"
Noah nodded. Olivia lifted him from her sister-in-law and let him wrap his thin limbs around her. "Maybe you're tired, babe. Do you think you need to have a little nap?"
"Noooo," he whined. "I just want a cuddle with you Mommy," he murmured. Angie and Olivia exchanged looks.
"Okay, well that I can certainly help with." She turned to Ange knowing that a nap was exactly what Noah needed. "When are you going to the T-O-Y store?"
She glanced at her smart watch. "I could probably go in half an hour if you think someone needs a little R-E-S-T."
"I just don't want him to be a menace tonight," Olivia worried.
"That's okay, why don't we just set him down for 30 minutes to watch cartoons and then you can show me what you've made," she suggested.
Olivia stepped over all the things she'd put together and laid her son down on the couch. She turned the TV from her music over to the Disney channel. "Honey just have a little lay down here for a minute while Mommy shows Auntie Ange what I've done in the kitchen."
Noah protested for a moment but his eye caught the beginning of his favourite cartoon. It immediately took his attention. Ange smirked at Liv and followed her in to the kitchen.
"So, what's going on in the living room? Sex spot?," she joked.
Olivia cocked her head with disapproval but smirked at her. "No, don't be gross. I am replicating one of our first real dates where we talked about how we felt for one another — but inside, because the mosquitos love me."
"Aww that's a little bit adorable, Olivia," she smiled. "Oh my goodness, did you make all these little ravioli's by hand?" Angela spotted the drying out pastas.
"I did," Olivia nodded proudly, "I surprised myself, how good do they look?"
"I'm a little jealous of my brother!," she exclaimed, "he is going to love this. What are you having with the ravioli?"
"I'm doing roasted mushroom and asparagus because he mentioned to me the other night that theres asparagus grown here but he never thinks to use it, but its one of his favourite vegetables."
"Ooooh very fancy, Olivia. I didn't know you were such a good cook."
"I'm not, this is purely trial and error and … a wing and a prayer."
"Looks like you've done an amazing job, very romantic Liv. I hope he appreciates it; if he doesn't kick his ass out and call me and I'll eat with you."
They laughed. "Oh, hey…" Liv began, "I totally forgot to mention — when I was in town yesterday afternoon, I met with this woman about the women's resource centre— her name was May, I didn't catch her last name, she's the one organising it — a real piece of work; she said that the plans were canceled because no one was interested, so I kind of … put my foot in it and said that we, you and I, are both interested in taking part."
She saw the instant tension cross Angela's face. "I'm sorry," Liv said, "I didn't mean to, she was just being prickly and rude and I was trying to prove a point-"
"No, it's okay," Ange smiled, "don't worry Liv, I know May, she used to be a teacher at the high school…" she paused and then gave her a funny look, "weird that she of all people would be trying to get her hooks on on this kind of project, probably for community favours, she's not exactly… an approachable woman."
Olivia rose an eyebrow "interesting, we had some crossed words and eventually came to an understanding."
"Okay so what do we need to do?" Angela asked.
"She said she would call me and organise a meeting… so let's see if that happens." Olivia went to the fridge and grabbed the bottle of wine. "While I remember, I accidentally opened this forgetting that I am with child. Here…"
Angela laughed, Olivia was making her dizzy with all of her changing of subjects and buzzing around the kitchen. "Liv, what's going on? Why won't you sit still?"
Olivia stopped and laughed, "because I have nervous energy about putting on the best date for Trevor…"
"You two make me sick," she smiled, she took the bottle from Liv and thanked her. "I might need this tonight after the kids go to sleep."
They chatted for a few more minutes before she left Olivia to it and went to get organised to take the kids to town, promising to come and grab Noah right before they left.
/
It was after 6 and the sun was starting to lose it's bite. Olivia wondered how much longer it'd be til she saw Trevor. She didn't want to irritate him, but she decided to send a text, knowing that she wanted to have dinner on the table as he was walking in.
Hey baby, sorry to keep annoying you via text, I just wondered if you have a rough ETA so I know when to expect you to get ready… xo
She had her saucepan out ready to pour the raviolis in to the boiling water when she knew he wasn't very far away. She turned some music back on. After Noah and the other kids came back from the toy store, she had helped Noah put together a little overnight bag and the kids went straight over to Angela's little guesthouse.
Noah didn't seem to care that he was leaving his Mom for the night, he was excited by Angela's promise of building a fort and watching movies and eating snacks and playing with the toys they'd all chosen.
She received a blip on her phone as she was just looking around to make sure the kitchen / dining area looked perfect and romantic.
Hi love, I'm so sorry I'm running late, one of the cows got out so we were trying to wrangle it back in and it did not play nice. What do you have planned? We are just getting on the trikes now so we will be back in about 30minutes. I don't know what you have planned, but I will just need about 20 minutes to have a shower before we go out…love you see you soon.
Olivia smiled to herself. Okay baby, no rush. Be safe.
/
Olivia heard Trevor arriving back. She smiled to herself as she looked around the dimly lit kitchen.
The table looked gorgeous. She had stolen some wildflowers and put them in a vase and two large candles lit the dining area. She had turned the lights a little low to set the mood and the living room played some soft classical that she enjoyed when she needed down time. He would see the living room first with only a few of the many candles lit.
She heard the front door open as she placed the garden salad on the table and smoothed out the table cloth, making sure everything looked just right.
She was aware that he might not have noticed the fine details, the things that a man usually put in the work for for the sake of a date, but she felt the need to make everything perfect.
"What in the world…" she heard his voice. She smiled as she made her way to the archway that led to the kitchen. She leaned against the timber of the architrave in the knee height black floral dress that she had bought back in Manhattan. She knew he liked the way her legs looked in high heels so she had slipped on a pair of black peep-toe boots, giving a few inches to her height.
He looked up to see her smiling coyly at him. He flashed her a grin, "wow… it's a stay-at-home date, is it?"
"Uhuh…" she smiled, making her way over to him. He heeled his way out of his own boots, looking tired and a little dusty from the outdoors.
He leaned over, careful not to touch her as she drew in close. "You look so hot…" he murmured, letting his lips hover over hers. "This looks fantastic…"
"I hope you'll enjoy the night…" he let his eyes gaze over her before indulging himself in a kiss of her soft pink lips.
"I know I'm going to…" he murmured.
He pulled away, "I am so stinky, I'm so sorry… do I have time to race upstairs and have a wash and put something a little nicer on?"
She smiled, mesmerised by the way his eyes lingered over her. "Yeah…" she nodded, "of course, not long though, dinner is almost ready."
"Yes ma'am," he grinned at her, kissing her again. "I'll be right back, I won't make the lady wait."
She peeled herself away from him and went back in to the kitchen as he disappeared upstairs.
She stood at the stove waiting for the ravioli's to float to the top. One by one they showed themselves as cooked well, not mushy and not too hard. She drained them carefully as Trevor appeared in the kitchen. He smiled at her and she could smell his clean, masculine aftershave. He wore a pair of clean, comfortable and dressy black jeans and a white t-shirt. He had his glasses on and his scent was almost enough for her to turn to liquid.
"How is it fair that you get to just head upstairs, wash for ten minutes, throw some clothes on and you look so very fucking hot…" she remarked with a smirk.
Trevor laughed. He took a step closer to her, watching her spoon the ravioli in to the burned butter sauce she had made that had just finished sautéing the mushrooms and roasted asparagus. He slipped his arms around her waist and rested his chin upon her shoulder. "You smell so good," he murmured softly, nuzzling her neck.
She smiled as the goosebumps surfaced upon her skin. "Stop it, I might burn something…"
He pressed his lips along her skin, "I think you're highly skilled, you'll be okay…" he planted a few more kisses, barely grazing the sensitive part area of her body. "It smells amazing…"
"As sexy as it feels to have my gorgeous man lingering over me, I'm going to need to handle some very hot water, so you might want to let me do that for a second so neither of us gets burned…"
He planted one last kiss before reluctantly letting go. "Whatever you say, love…"
"Take a seat at the table and I'll be with you in two minutes…"
"Do you want me to dish you out some salad?" He asked, glancing at what she had — some beautiful baked sour dough, some salad and an ice-cold beer, open and waiting for him with a chilled beer mug. "Oh man, you really don't know how much I needed this… did you keep it in the freezer?" He asked as Olivia drained her ravioli.
"I did, I put a couple in the freezer but they're in the refrigerator now, I didn't want them to explode."
He smiled, thinking of what a sweet gesture it was. He took a seat as she asked and watched her dish up two plates. He took a long generous gulp of the beer, barely letting it touch the sides. His hands were sore and slightly calloused on his palm from working on a wired, wooden fence for hours.
"Thanks Liv, that beer is amazing…"
She smiled at set down a plate in front of him and one in her spot. She picked up a box of matches and lit a few more candles. "You're welcome. I made all of this, including the ravioli from scratch and everything is from the garden," she told him, "I hope you like it…"
He stared down at the food in his bowl and back up at her as she was about to take a seat. "Wait…" he paused her grabbing her arm gently. He guided her toward him, "come here…"
She got close and leaned over him, kissing his lips. "Thank you," he said, "it looks amazing, you did such a great job. I appreciate this stay-at-home date more than you know," he added, kissing her once more.
"You're welcome," she repeated. "You said you didn't eat asparagus enough… so I decided to roast it for you…"
Trevor grinned at her across the table, reaching out for her hand. "You're the best, I love you."
"I love you too," she replied, "I know this whole thing is probably kind of corny but… maybe my idea of dating is kind of corny."
He chuckled and shook his head slowly. "I can't believe you made this ravioli from scratch — you told me you weren't flash in the kitchen, baby, what a big fat lie, I could never do this."
She watched him stab a ravioli with his fork and plopped it in to his mouth. He tasted the ricotta and the spinach that filled it with the burned butter sauce. He was impressed and pleased. He added a stalk of asparagus and mushroom.
"Liv this is amazing… eat, baby, you've been cooking all afternoon, I bet."
"Really is it okay?," she asked, her nerves getting the best of her.
"Its more than okay, its amazing. I love it. Thank you for going to such a huge effort. This had to have taken hours…"
"It took awhile, but it was worth it to see you relaxed and happy and enjoying your meal…" she murmured. She took a little on her fork and tried it, a little scared that her food would be terrible.
Surprisingly, Trevor was right - it tasted good, nothing was over seasoned or under seasoned and the asparagus was the perfect amount of roasted with just a tiny hint of garlic — not enough to stop either of them from making out later.
"Yeah," she agreed, "it actually isn't bad."
Trevor laughed, "Dont sell yourself short love, it's so good! I love it! It's such a beautiful surprise too. I was tired and honestly I didn't really feel like going in to town but I didn't want to ruin any plans you had."
"I am kind of pregnancy exhausted at the moment, shocker, I know," she joked, "me being exhausted… I didn't really feel like leaving the house either so I figured we could just make use of the quiet in the house and hang out and make it a little more romantic."
He smiled lovingly at her. "I still can't fucking believe you're growing my baby. Like, how did that happen so fast?!" He laughed a little disbelieving. "Like, in what? A little over 7 months, we'll be holding a newborn in our arms…"
Putting it in to the universe so brazenly felt a little jarring but only solidified the feeling that she had about life in general. She reached for his hand again as he ate. She squeezed his hand. "Are you afraid?," she wondered, "like… did any of this move too fast for you, honestly?"
"No…" he answered - not hesitantly slow, but thoughtful. "I mean, if we had time on our side maybe it could have waited a year or so, but we are the age that we are and this is something we both wanted so we had to just throw caution in the wind and I have never ever been unsure of my feelings for you."
It was the answer she needed to hear. She felt him squeeze her fingers back. "What about you, love? Are you feeling okay about it?"
She nodded, "yeah… I don't know if I have romanticised ideas about pregnancy, but however it works out, for the first time in my life I just feel so …" she searched for the right words, "I guess, supported. I have some fears, I know my age and the fact that I've never been pregnant before could work against me here so I'm a little scared but … a few more weeks and I'm in the safe zone and I won't feel so on-edge."
"Sorry, love, I didn't realise you felt so concerned about that… is there something I can do to make you feel better?'
She shook her head, "Nah, it's just me, always waiting for something to fuck up, you know what I'm like — it's probably some in-depth trauma reaction."
He smiled empathetically, "at least you have my sister who's worked in obstetrics who can answer all of your questions and can tell you if you have cause for concern."
"Yeah," Olivia agreed, "that's true, she really is good like that, she told me given how fit I am, how active we are and how healthy we are, I don't have any real cause for concern - my blood pressure is great, I don't have any major health issues, just stress is an indicator I need to be careful of."
Trevor nodded, listening as he ate. He paused to finish his beer.
"I think its good to keep that in mind but if you aren't sure and need some reassurance, we can go and ask for a sonogram or something like that."
"I guess … if something goes wrong I am aware that I won't cope very well and I'm anxious about it, honestly."
"I'll be here right here every step along the way," he told her gently, "whatever happens, we're in it together no matter what— this is not just your baby and your family at stake, Liv, its mine too and I don't want you to ever think you can't talk to me about it or feel like if anything goes awry, I won't be here for you. I'm your rock, I hope you know that."
"I know you are," she replied, "I always have that in my mind— I don't know, I'm very happy with you and with having a baby on the way, I'll just rest easier when we hit that safer zone, you know?"
"I understand… I want this to go as perfectly as you.. we've really all just held hands and jumped in the deep end but—" he sat his empty beer mug down and wiped his upper lip with the linen napkins, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
She smiled at him, "thanks for telling me that, I love you…"
"Love you too, sweetheart," he murmured. He picked up the little bread basket and offered her a slice of bread before he took one.
"Thanks," she said again, taking a slice. She sat it on the side of her plate and ate more of her bowl of pasta. "I did do a good job of the ravioli, didn't I?," she asked with a little smug smile, making contact with his beautiful green eyes in the flickering candle light.
He grinned at her, "you sure did, you have some kitchen skills that I wasn't even aware of, its so good… I could probably eat six bowls of it."
Olivia adored his ability to pump her full of confidence - he truly did revere her, she could tell the way he seemed genuinely impressed by everything she did and every effort she made for him and Noah. It made her feel so content and so full of belonging.
"Well, there's probably enough for you to have another bowl if you want," she told him, "but I did make a dessert… so it's really up to you."
"No, you should have the leftovers, you're growing another human."
She laughed, "I don't need another serve, you have it if you want it, or you can have it for lunch tomorrow if you don't want it now."
"Yeah, I'll split it with you for lunch tomorrow," he replied. He was finished and was cleaning his plate with the sour dough that he buttered. He held out his hand for her to pass her slice to him so he could butter it for her.
"So, did you get the fence done?"
"Yeah, it looks really good and it's a lot sturdier now so I guess that's something."
"Good…" she replied, "what's the plan for tomorrow?," she wanted to know. "Do you need to do any farm stuff?"
"Just the usual, up early to feed the animals and check on the calves and then whatever you want to do… do you have any ideas?"
"No, nothing planned…"
"So, I was thinking — Joe and I were discussing Angela and what her plans are. She said she was going to start looking for a place, but… Joe and I always kept her inheritance separate because we knew that eventually she'd come back here, maybe not to live, but she might have wanted a hand in something and I discussed how she'd feel about finding a space here somewhere to build a house…"
Olivia smiled.
"She thinks its starting to look like hippy commune behaviour and that we should start giving ourself a shifty, ambiguous name and adopt some kind of moral ethic and dress code," he chuckled.
Olivia laughed, "I mean, I can see where she's coming from," she joked, "targeting the vulnerable to come and live off the land referring to us all as brother Trevor and sister Olivia and Angela…" she added.
They both laughed together at the stupidity of it. "But honestly, the land is so vast that she could literally plot a house so far away from us here that it'd just like being neighbours. She could fence it off and make her own driveway or whatever — so Joe and I were going over that and then we discussed whether or not you and I might want to make some changes here to this house."
"Oh yeah?" Olivia was interested, "what do you think about that?"
"I think that … we should maybe look at fencing it, creating some sense of boundary. The only reason why I didn't do that is because I was single and it wasn't like I was walking around my house naked or worried that someone busting in might actually catch me in a moment of vulnerability."
"Okay, but for the record, I don't mind it as it is. I like being able to stick my head out the front door and see if Jen and Joe are outside with the kids a short distance away or if they've started a fire or if we should start our own…"
Trevor smiled. "I like that too… but I think for the purpose of being able to keep our eye on Noah and also sometimes having private family time, it's probably a good idea."
She agreed.
"And then I thought, the pool is more on Joey's property if we are drawing up some boundaries, so maybe we should plan a pool in our own yard and a hot tub?"
Olivia smiled. "It would be nice to be able to swim at night, just you and I, right now its just that little bit too far for us to leave Noah after he goes to sleep… and I feel like Joe or Jenna could look out their window and see us kissing or something, that's too weird for me…"
Trevor smiled, "Okay… so we'll do it. We'll start looking at some pools and making some plans. Joe will go along with whatever we want and whatever Angela wants."
Olivia finished up with her dinner and pushed her plate aside so that it was out of its way. Trevor reached for both of her hands. "I want to tell you something," she started.
"Mmm?"
She took pause for a moment, thinking about her delivery and how committed she was to her idea. "I think I'm done with special victims…" she pushed the words from her mouth for the first time — letting them linger, suspending in the air, waiting for them to reach him and rouse a reaction from him.
His face betrayed his reaction - the shock washed over his face but he tried not to let it show, but she didn't miss it. "In what sense?," he asked slowly and carefully as if asking the question may make her take back the words.
"I think…. I've been in this job for over 10 years now and it's enough. You and Jenna brought up some very valid points to me about living my life for me and my family rather than for a job and I know neither of you were trying to talk me out of being a detective, just concerned that I might not be happy because my personal life in comparison has had such little attention."
Trevor nodded slow, taking it in and careful not to interrupt.
"I just think… that I don't want to lose these precious years with Noah and our child and also I want you to come home to me and I want to enjoy fun things that I've never been able to do… like helping out at Noah's school with reading or bake sales— I want to learn to cook better and just find involvement in different outreach programs where bureaucracy doesn't rule everything."
A small smile adorned Trevor's lips as he listened to her speaking so wistfully and passionate about her next step in life.
"For the record, I just want to say that I dont want you to ever make any decision based on me. I want you to do what makes you happy, but I just want your job to take care of you and understand how much you give so that you get enough rest to not burn out…"
"But its a good decision for us…" she told him, "I think I want to trial living here and see if I'm happy here longterm… I want Noah to enjoy this life where he can run around and use up all of his energy and have family around him."
Trevor smiled. "I mean, I still have court sometimes and I have to still have meetings and such, so we will always keep one of the New York residences," he told her, "but we can discuss that."
She nodded.
"I really want you to be 100% sure, Liv, I don't want you to make a decision based on how your pregnancy hormones or a honeymoon period — so just take this week and then see how you feel, have a think more about your next step."
Olivia agreed, "Thanks Trev, for supporting me… for not letting me make any rash decisions."
"Of course, I don't want you to regret anything baby… Ask for another week if you need to…"
"I will…"
"Well… baby, I think that you've really set the bar a little too high already," he smiled, "thank you so much for dinner."
"You're welcome. I'm just going to get up and cover over the rest of the pasta and tidy up and I'm going to get you another cold beer."
"I want to help you," he said softly.
"Nope," she shook her head. "This is my date night and I want you to enjoy another beer because I can see that you knocked that one down so fast that you probably need one that you taste this time."
Trevor laughed. "Okay, okay… thank you."
She got up and took the empty plates to the sink and went to the fridge to get him another beer. She opened the bottle and set it down on the table. He gave her the once and twice over with the unmistakable look that told her he was pleased with what he saw. He pushed his chair back slightly. "I can't say I don't love watching you prancing around the kitchen in those sexy heels and cute little dress…" he glanced down to the hem of it and appraised her slow, all the way back up to her gorgeous eyes that watched him intently watching her.
He took her hand and pulled her in to his lap. "Sit with me for a moment…" he commanded gently, wrapping his arms around her waist as she took up space upon his muscular thighs. She rested her hands upon his shoulder and kissed him softly.
Her eyes fell closed, her cheeks still a little pink from his compliments as he ran his fingers over her soft, wavy locks of hair that tumbled down over her shoulders, a little longer than he'd ever seen it.
He parted his lips a little, making way for her tongue. Olivia's senses were a little heightened by the smell of his cologne, his own hair was still a little damp from the shower that he'd just right before dinner.
Trevor moaned faintly with pleasure at the feel of their tongues connecting. Her hands ran over his firm body, sending a little shiver down the middle of his back.
He felt her pressing her warm lips together, closing off their kiss. She pulled away before going back for another and another. Finally, she peeled herself away from him. Trevor reached up, caressing her cheek with his forefingers - a soft smile tugging upward at the corners of his mouth. "Fuck," he sighed with a little chuckle, "your lips always taste so good…"
She laughed, pressing her forehead against his, "I love you…"
"Love you too.."
She bit her lip just slightly as he smoothed her hair, "Do you want to eat the dessert I made now or later?," she asked.
"Well… I kind of want to make a little dessert between us right now…" he smirked, "but, I kind of love this alone time to talk and hang out… so, yeah, let's have your dessert now."
Olivia got back off and almost jumped when she felt Trevor gently tapping her backside. She grinned at him and went to get the easy, no-bake cheesecake she'd made, knowing caramel cheesecake was his absolute favourite.
/
"Okay, so what do we have in here?" Trevor asked looking around the living room.
"Well…" she started, "you can take a seat if you want… this is so cheesy but I figured it would be kind of… I don't know," she suddenly got a little coy, feeling embarrassed, "Oh, maybe this is really dumb-"
"No," Trevor said quickly, "it doesn't seem dumb, its romantic and cosy— are we just going to hang out."
"Yeah, but…if you want, I got this stupid little 20 questions game while I was out today. It's a dumb date game, but I figured there's still a lot of things we don't know about one-another and it could be a chance to learn new stuff… but we don't hav-"
"No, that's a good idea, that sounds fun, let's do that…"
Olivia awkwardly found her way to the floor, the soft blanket that she'd laid down on the carpet felt nice against her legs. Trevor sat too, carefully placing down the glass of whisky he'd poured for himself.
He nodded toward her legs, before lifting her ankle, slipping off her boots. She smiled at his kind gestures. "Thanks, that actually feels nice. I love my shoes, but they always feel best after they come off…" she admitted.
He took her other ankle and did the same, pushing them aside and out of the way so neither of them tripped on them. He sat opposing her, stretching his legs out a little. "I love your sexy heels but… I love for you to feel comfortable too," he smiled, "are you comfortable in that cute dress?," he asked, not trying to be smart, but genuinely wanting her to change if she wanted to.
"Yeah, its comfortable," she replied.
She reached for the little box with the questions. "You really wanna open a can of worms with these questions?," she asked with a laugh.
"Yep, absolutely," he told her, his eyes twinkling in the warm glow of the candlelight. They both got a little more comfortable. "Come over here, come sit close to me," he suggested, patting a spot between his legs. She was certainly not against that idea. She crawled across the space that expansed between them. She grabbed the box, settling within his arms, leaning against his chest.
"Do you wanna go first?," she asked, holding up the box.
"Hmmm sure, why not?" He reached in and grabbed a card, letting an arm slide around her, holding her close. They read the card together.
If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?
"Ha…" he held on to the card for a moment thoughtfully. "So, not easy questions like what's your favourite colour," he joked, kissing smooching his lips against her neck.
"I guess not," she chuckled, watching him place the card at the back of the pack. She took it from his hands, enjoying the feel of his hand upon her belly. In days past, a man's hand on her soft flesh would have brought her great uneasiness, but the fact that she was pregnant and that she was confident that he loved every tiny inch of her flesh was enough to feel more than comfortable with his hands wherever he wanted them.
"If I have to pick something without thinking about it forever, I guess it'd be one of two things, I would probably have been less dismissive about Angela moving to London and more present and supportive when Mom passed because I can see now she needed the support more than Joe and I, we both were a lot older and our ability to deal with it was probably healthier than hers was."
"Mmm, yeah but it doesn't matter your age," Olivia replied, "grief is grief… what's the other thing?"
He kissed her temple, "I'd have not taken so long to show you how I really felt. I would have taken you on that second date and told you that I really liked you and I would have kissed you way more and shown you affection a lot faster so you didn't have to second guess everything for so long."
Olivia laughed, "it was a bit of a moment, trying to figure out what was going on between us for awhile there, but we muddled through, it's kind of a bit cute in hindsight if I wasn't so sex and touch starved."
Trevor laughed too and offered her the box, "your turn to answer that before you get a card," he added.
"Hmmm…" Olivia thought about it, "I would change how I came to be, I think it would have changed the trajectory of my life — and don't get me wrong, I love my life and what I've achieved, but if things hadn't been the way they were for my Mom, we might have had a totally different relationship and I might have had a healthier emotional upbringing."
"Shoulda coulda woulda, huh?" Trevor replied, knowing she had obviously thought of that quite often at different moments in her life.
"Yeah…" her voice trailed off. "Maybe she would have softened in her later years, I don't know… I try to dwell on it."
She plucked a card at random without another word and read it with a little smile.
What are three things that you appreciate about our relationship and why do you think they feel so important.
"Wow, these questions aren't messing around—" she laughed, "maybe I should have looked at a couple before buying them."
Trevor stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. "Well, you can be honest… we should both be as honest as we can, it's kind of … nice to talk about the kind of things we might ever be prompted to discuss."
"Okay, I kind of already know the answer to this and it's totally fine to tell you, I appreciate that we are so supportive and compromising of what the other person wants… You allow me the space to be vulnerable and you never ever make me feel bad about myself… and I can't tell you how important that is. And, you take on Noah… that's been — the most amazing thing so far— no hesitation. I hope that for you, you feel the same…"
"Absolutely I do," he agreed, "and with regards to Noah, that you've let me take him on, that you let me be a Dad and you trusted me."
She turned her head to the side and kissed his lips lingeringly. "I love how healthy our relationship feels and … I always feel protected but not in a…" she paused, "in an oppressed or possessive way, just in a nice healthy way."
He kissed her lips again. "I don't want you to feel trapped or worried about me being jealous or … even that I wouldn't be behind you on something…"
"Thank you… and I hope you know I can bust a bitch if anyone ever comes for my man," she joked, reaching up, smoothing his soft makings of a beard.
"Oh, Liv, I don't doubt that for a single second…"
She passed him the card box and he took another one out.
What situations make you feel the most afraid or uncomfortable
"Hmm," he put the card down and wrapped both of his arms around the woman he loved with every part of him and snuggled in closer. "One of the things I've always been the most afraid of is being alone forever, but somehow not afraid enough to just settle down with anyone but I really, really wanted to be a parent and for awhile I thought with my ex that we were enough, it might not have been the fireworks, ground moving passion with her, but I thought it could have been enough— and thankfully, she dismantled what I thought was happiness…" he explained, "it was only once I was out of it, I was able to see it wouldn't have lasted…"
Olivia shifted around so she could see his face properly. "What about now? This is not a 'just settling' situation, is it?"
"Nope," he smiled, shaking his head. "I can't even comprehend the way I feel, its too big and its beyond words for me," he replied. "And sometimes that makes me uncomfortable because I can't control it and I like being in control."
She smiled faintly, "I know that feeling too," her voice trailed off. "What else do makes you afraid? Surface stuff, even?," she pushed.
He thought for a second, "one of you guys getting hurt — sometimes I get worried when I take Noah on the horse or even in the pool, I mean— I never take my eye off him but still… there's that feeling of just constant on edge just in case."
Olivia chuckled, "Welcome to parenthood, it's a constant state of fear in the back of your mind…"
"I'm scared sometimes that Im doing something wrong, I know that sounds weird," he admitted, "but — just that people are pretending that I'm good at my job and useful in all areas of my life."
Olivia rose an eyebrow, "what do you mean? Like, everyone is lying to you and you're really just a bumbling fool…"
A little bashful smile crossed his mouth; embarrassment. "Yeah, I guess, kind of," he avoided her eyes, "I think its probably related to how my Dad used to make me feel, but its only in moments of insecurity."
"Well… I can assure you that's not and has never been a reality," she replied.
"What about you?," he prompted her.
"That's a big one for me, honestly, like a can of worms," she chuckled, "I guess there's a lot of things that make me deeply afraid, truthfully, but I am used to just pushing it down and getting along with it."
"Do you want to tell me about some of it?," he pressed, stroking her hair.
"I'm afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of making the wrong choices, I'm deeply, deeply afraid that an assailant will come after me again, I'm afraid of being killed in the line of duty, I'm afraid of not being enough for my son, I'm afraid of not being enough for you, I'm afraid of disappointing people—" she took a breath and laughed, "should I go on?"
"If you want…" he murmured gently.
"I'm afraid of going to sleep sometimes because of nightmares, I'm afraid of being getting old and bitter, I'm afraid on some occasions of how in my own head I can get and how it would be easy to act on it if I don't have people around me to ground me…"
"What kind of thing do you think you might act on?," he asked, wanting her to be honest with him.
"Just self destructive things… binge drinking, medicating to sleep away the darkness… talk therapy feels useless sometimes and if I didn't have Noah I'd probably just want to take a handful of Ambien and knock myself out to bypass the nightmares and everything else."
"You know, you can always talk to me about any nightmares, or any troubles sleeping, anything, Liv… I can assure you or comfort you no matter how big or how small, that's why we are so good together, we don't judge and we don't even think about judging because we just want to lift each other up all the time and that's another thing I love about our relationship."
"Thanks… maybe I will start telling you, especially when I'm on night shift, the more tired I get, the more susceptible I am to depression or dark feelings," she admitted.
They made eye contact for a moment, he let his eyes linger over her gorgeous face; her soft skin that always smelled of florals… "I want you to be able to tell me, I don't want you to keep all that in, its too much and it'll hollow you out, Olivia, it eats you alive, I've been there and I know my sister is still there and trying to make sense of it all — I want you to lean on me the way you'd want me to lean on you…"
She nodded, "I'll try my best."
He slid his arms around her, "it doesn't even have to be a deep, unraveling conversation — all you need to say is, 'honey, I'm struggling to sleep,' or, 'baby, I'm exhausted and I'm starting to feel depressed or in a bad headspace,' and I'll do whatever I can to help you out of that, even if it's taking the kids and allowing you the time and space to sleep or just simply exist."
"Its hard because I've never had that support, I'm used to having to just suck it up and concentrate on my responsibilities."
"Healing is also your responsibility so that you can continue moving forward not stagnant on whatever is going on. "
"True," she agreed.
She picked up the box, "let's do one or two more… I feel like we could benefit from some lighthearted stuff too…"
He smiled and picked another card. She couldn't see it straight away but he smirked and she was sure that his cheeks flushed.
"What is it?," she asked.
He turned the card to look at the back and laughed, "look, it's a spicy card…"
"What does that mean?" Olivia wondered out loud but the answer came to her before the question had landed in the air.
"Will you share your favourite sexual fantasy"
Olivia laughed and realised he was staring at her expectantly. "Oh no no, this is your question, you have to answer first… and who knows?" She shrugged, "maybe you'll get it if you're nice and honest."
Trevor laughed, "Aww Liv, this is really putting me on the spot…" he sighed, "I don't know if I can be this honest," his cheeks were beet red.
"Come on, this is me… even if I'm not in to it, I won't judge, we just said that," she told him, smoothing his cheeks, thinking of how sweet it was that he couldn't look her in the eye and was embarrassed.
"Okay…" he pressed his lips together for a second and took a deep breath. "I really want to watch you with a vibrator… like… if I walked in and you were just trying to relax… that would be so hot to me."
Olivia's lips turned upward in to a grin, "yeah?"
He dared to briefly make eye contact and nodded. "Yeah… and maybe…" he paused, "being handcuffed and dominated…"
She let out a little chuckle, "what, you want me to handcuff you?"
He nodded, flicking his eyes down, averting them from hers. "Maybe…" he added.
She grinned at him. "I think we could arrange that, it'll be a surprise though, when you're least expecting it…"
He finally made contact again. "Yeah?"
She nodded.
"What about you? What's your fantasy?," he asked gently. "I hope you'll feel comfortable enough to tell me…"
She thought about it, understanding a little of the same bashfulness that he had endured. "Hmmm," she thought out loud, doing her best to maintain eye contact. "Okay, there's two things that have crossed my mind…" she let her voice trail. "Remember when I met you at your office the last day that I worked before we came here?"
He nodded.
"I thought about how hot it would be if I came and sat on your lap and I was wearing… I don't know a little skirt and some cute little underwear and we'd kiss and I'd be so hot for you in your suit and tie and you'd make me cum just by touching me on the outside of my clothes…"
"Whewww…" he laughed, "Okay, I think that's my sex fantasy too…"
They both laughed together. "What about this one…" she began, feeling a little more confident, "you've been in the city for the week and I've been here with Noah, not working, just nesting, being a lil … you know, barefoot and pregnant, and you get home, Noah is playing with Ollie.. and you just pick me up and carry me upstairs, toss me on to the bed, twist me in to whatever position you want and we desperately fuck because we've missed each other so fucking much…"
He laughed lightly, "Oooft Olivia, why are you so good at his, I wish I was as good at being as forthright as you, I love this so much…"
She laughed with him, "I dunno, a little tug on my hair, even though I told your brother it wasn't my thing back the first time he joked about it, I could probably get down with it in the right context… maybe even a blind fold when I get my cuffs on you…" she smirked.
"Stop!" He laughed, "stop it, youre going to give me an erection if you keep going," he told her bluntly.
She laughed with him and shrugged, "I don't care… that's not a deterrent," she smiled at him.
"Hmm you're funny, Olivia Benson…" he murmured before he kissed her, "real funny…"
She felt his tongue taste the tip of hers before he pulled away. "Are we done with the cards for now?"
"I think so…" she replied. "Maybe we should put some music on and blow out a few candles and just get a bit comfortable on the floor, does that sound okay?," she asked.
"Yeah of course."
"Oh, actually… I did promise Noah we would come and say goodnight."
"Okay," he smiled. "Let's blow out the candles, go say goodnight and come back and get a little snack and cosy up…"
Olivia grinned at him.
/
Trevor opened the door to Angela's guesthouse and laughed to see the twins already asleep on the couch and Noah and Olly sitting side by side in front of the couches, their eyes fixated on the TV screen.
"Wow, what happened to all the crazy games you promised them?" Liv asked.
Ange looked at her watch, "its 8 o'clock, you crazies… I'm not irresponsible. The guys have had their dinner, their dessert, they have popcorn to share and they're watching a movie and this auntie is about to have a glass of wine because kids are hard fuckin' work!'
"Auntie Ange you saiiiiid a swear!" Olly called out without even taking his eyes off the TV.
Trevor smirked. "Friggin' bionic hearing," she whispered. "Anyway, I don't even want to know how your date is going, I'm sure it's been very disgusting," she gave Trevor a sly grin.
"You are disgusting," he replied. "We just came to say goodnight to Noah."
"Honey," Olivia interrupted him as he stuffed some popcorn in his mouth, "Mom and Daddy just came to say goodnight."
Noah looked up and waved at his Mom. He got up immediately as if he had only just noticed her. She held her arms out and picked him up, cuddling him close. "Hi baby, are you having a good time?"
He nodded, smiling at his mother. "Mommy I had a hot dog for dinner with my cousins," he told her.
"Oh that sounds yummy, I'll let you go back to your movie with Olly in a second… I just came for a Mommy snuggle and Daddy wants a lil snuggle too so we can go home to bed and you can stay up as late as you like with Auntie Angie."
"No, there's a bed time with Auntie Ange," Angela cut in.
"Nah, Auntie Ange is tricking," Trevor pitched in, "there's no bed time tonight because it's such a special occasion!"
"Eff you guys," Erika laughed, pouring herself a glass of wine.
Noah giggled, cuddling Olivia tightly. "Love you baby, you be good okay? Auntie Ange will bring you home in the morning or Daddy will come and get you when you like…"
"Okay Mommy." Noah replied, pulling away. He reached out for Trevor for a hug.
Trevor held Noah for a few minutes and chatted with him.
"Night going okay?" Angela asked. "I didn't think we'd see you."
"Yeah everything is perfect, but I can't go to bed without seeing Noah, or at least saying goodnight."
"Fair, they've been so much fun tonight we've had a good time," Angela told them, "but both of the boys are really tired, Olly keeps yawning and Noah has rubbed his eyes for the past half an hour."
Olivia smiled and looked back at Noah and Trevor who were grinning at each other, Noah giggling at something Trevor was saying. He gave him a hug and set him down. Noah came to Ange and tugged at her shirt. "Auntie Ange…" he said softly.
"Yes?," she asked, looking down with a smile.
"Daddy said to ask you why you smell like tinkle all the time."
Trevor broke up in to laughter.
"Oh my goodness…" Olivia rolled her eyes, "I have two children…" she muttered.
"Bubba, you're not supposed to tell her I told you to ask," Trevor laughed.
"Noah, do you think I smell like tinkle?" Angela asked him. Noah shook his head and giggled.
"So tell Daddy don't be silly, its not our fault he has fart breath."
Angie and Noah giggled together. "Alright, Daddy and I are going back home to bed now, you have fun, okay?"
Noah nodded. Olivia leaned down and kissed his cheeks. She glanced at Olly, "Goodnight Olly," she waved.
They said their goodbyes and headed back home.
"I have an idea…" Trevor began as they shut the door.
"What's that?" Olivia asked, turning around to face him. He smiled at her and picked up the box of matches.
"Why don't you go and get our pillows from upstairs and we can have a lil sleep over of our own down here?"
Olivia smiled. "I'll make the floor feel a little more comfortable for us to sleep on and we can do the music thing you suggested by candlelight."
"Okay," she replied.
He went to work lighting just a few of the many that had been earlier lit and pulled out a few of the cushions off the couch and made the surface softer. Olivia came back down still wearing her dress dragging the blanket and two pillows with her.
He was surprised, he thought she would have got changed.
"Do you wanna get pajamas or something?," he asked.
"Nah, I can just sleep next to you in underwear, right?," she asked.
"Or less than that if you like…" he replied with a smile.
She laughed and got comfortable and on the cushions, unbuttoning the front of her dress and pulling it over her head. "You know… one pregnancy symptom that's the most annoying," she began, holding her boobs with a wince, "my chest is so sore and achey…"
"I'm sorry," he replied as he dressed down to his briefs, "is there anything that will help?," he wanted to know.
She shook her head, "I don't think so… I think I just have to endure."
"Does bra on or off help?"
"Maybe…" she let go of herself and pulled the covers up and reached behind her, unhooking her bra and pulling it off, tossing down beside her. She pulled the blanket up around her as Trevor got comfortable. He handed her her phone so that she could put something on.
"On a scale of one to exhausted, how exhausted are you?," she wondered, settling in to the crook of his arm, hitting play on a 70s music mix.
"Probably a ten," he admitted, "I really wanted to have sex with you tonight, I kind of… felt like this was where it was all headed but I'm so sorry, I think too sleepy."
Olivia smiled at him, "I mean, if you really wanted, I'm sure I could wake you right up — but my boobs are too achey right this second and I'm pretty tired too."
He laughed, "is this domestic life now? Too tired for sex?"
"Absolutely not," she replied, "but we've had a nice night and sometimes cuddling and kissing has its place."
He kissed her forehead and caressed her hair thoughtfully as they enjoyed the serene atmosphere. "Thanks for the amazing night, love…" he murmured, "your date was one of the best ones we've had. We should do this again when we're too tired to leave the house…"
"I had a nice time too, I love you…"
"I love you too," he replied, turning a little toward her to kiss her lips softly.
