Anakin ended up catching up with his friends for last meal and made plans to go and visit Obi-wan later tonight. Maybe he could sneak out and race some, even.
He'd gone to his mind-healing session and they'd spoken about grief and how to mourn and what to look for when one grieved. Also, what needed to be grieved. That had surprised him. He'd thought the loss of a friend or family member would be the only necessary application, but it apparently applied to so many other things too; everything from simple life-changes to serious losses of close relations.
It had been a little overwhelming.
But then, at the end of the session, Girth had dropped one last bombshell and asked Anakin to consider telling Obi-wan everything, stating that he would need to address whatever had happened between them before he could move on and heal from it – to begin the grieving process.
He'd have to mourn what he'd had… and apparently, speaking with this Obi-wan could potentially bring him some catharsis.
Anakin hadn't given him an answer, and Girth hadn't pushed, just asking him to think about it.
He hadn't known that Anakin had been planning on visiting Obi-wan… but somehow, it seemed like more than a coincidence.
Stupid Force nudges.
So now he stood outside of the healer's wing, staring up at it with trepidation.
Should he tell Obi-wan?
The old fear of how the man would react rose inside of him – of seeing all of that disappointment on his old mentor's face (even if it wasn't actually his mentor). It made him sick to think about…
But he'd been making a habit of being honest with himself lately. It had helped him immensely and this was no different.
He forced himself to see the harsh truths.
Firstly, those old feelings of having to hide things from Obi-wan to make sure the man stayed proud of him – stayed with him – had been a lot of what led him to Fall. If he'd been able to even talk about it with Obi-wan, maybe the man would have been upset and disappointed; maybe Anakin would have had to leave the Jedi Order to be with Padmé… but that would have been infinitely better than what had actually happened and would have spared so many people so much pain.
Including himself.
Secondly, the fact that he still felt that fear, even now, proved Girth right. He had to address it. He couldn't hide it… and that was what he had been doing; hiding it. Obi-wan's opinion (even this Obi-wan) mattered to him. A great deal.
It always had.
"Only a master of evil, Darth."
He wasn't sure what he'd expected from his old Master, but an even more formidable sabacc face than before wasn't it. Vader grit his teeth behind his mask. He wanted to see the man's horror and sorrow; his despair and hate.
He reached out through the Force…
All he got was pity… and maybe an old sorrow if anything.
And that wasn't what he wanted.
It just made him angrier. So he went to attack.
The fact that Obi-wan anticipated and attacked him first just fed his darkness.
Anakin closed his eyes and forced his thoughts away from that memory.
Perhaps he shouldn't share anything. It would likely just hurt Obi-wan…
But if he'd ever known anything about his old Master, he knew that Obi-wan would want to know. Because Obi-wan wanted to help people – had only ever wanted to help Anakin, even if he hadn't really known how to.
But was it fair? This really wasn't his old Master. He was a different person now, and the two of them didn't have as deep of a relationship.
That didn't stop Anakin from wanting one. Maybe not the same one, but one that was stronger and healthier; one built on a better foundation.
A foundation of trust.
He took a deep breath and walked through the door.
(Plus, Girth suggested it.
And he found he trusted the mind-healer.
He'd been incredibly lucky to find such good mind-healers for him…
Or maybe it had been the will of the Force?)
He let out a sound bordering between a scoff and a chuckle.
"Oh! Ana… I mean, Initiate Skywalker," Bant Eerin said as she saw him and changed the angle she'd been initially walking at to intercept him. "I take it you're here to see Obi-wan… again."
"It has been a while since he's been in here," Anakin pointed out. "The last time I was here was to see Siri."
"So it was," the Mon Calamari said with an amused smirk. "Well, he's the third door on the right just down this hall," she said, gesturing to one of the walkways branching off of the main entrance room.
"Thank you," he replied, shooting what he hoped came off as a warm smile in her direction.
"Any time," she responded.
He turned to go down the hall, but his name stopped him.
"Oh, Initiate Skywalker." He turned back to Bant. "Some of the last few times you've been here, I've forgotten myself and called you by your first name. I don't recall asking for permission, so I apologize." She bowed to him before straightening up. "I have no excuse."
If that was the only offensive thing she had to worry about when it came to her own actions, Anakin envied her.
"I don't mind," he said. "You can call me Anakin, Healer Bant."
She shot him an enormous, toothless grin so reminiscent of her species. "Thank you, Anakin."
He nodded to her in acknowledgment and they mutually turned away from each other for their respective destinations.
Anakin wasn't sure what to think when he saw that Obi-wan remained in his healing trance. As far as he knew, no one seemed to know when the knight would wake up.
He still entered the room, a little hesitantly as he was still sorting through his feelings regarding this development (or lack thereof). Eventually, he decided on relieved but disappointed. He'd wanted to tell Obi-wan, no matter how much he dreaded it. He wanted to give this Obi-wan the chance that he'd never given his old Master.
Feeling more than a little silly, he still decided to reach out and put his hands on the much larger one laying limp next to the Jedi's prone body. He'd often spoken to Obi-wan when he'd been hurt and in the healer's wing after missions or during the war. Seeing him lying there felt so heartrendingly nostalgic that when his mouth opened (seemingly of its own accord), he didn't stop it.
"I sent Siri after Ferus," he said quietly, feeling he needed to start with reassurance. "I sent her with Jango Fett, of all people. I have no doubt they'll find him… although I don't know how much wreckage they will leave in their path. There will likely be explosions… and maybe I should have thought that through a little more."
He didn't really feel sheepish, but he tried to make himself sound that way, imagining the look of utter horror on Obi-wan's face at hearing Anakin's words.
"Oh, don't worry, Master," he said with a sad grin. "It'll be fine, I'm sure. Better than sending Ahsoka off with Ventress."
"At least there weren't explosions from that unholy alliance," he imagined Obi-wan saying.
Anakin snorted. "Are you and I remembering the same instance?"
And then he blinked, realizing when and where he was. Not that he'd ever lost that knowledge, but… he hadn't ever allowed himself to really reminisce. It… hurt. A lot. He really did miss Obi-wan, so much.
"I… I have something to tell you," he finally choked out. "A lot of things, actually. And… and it'll likely make you hate me… so much. But you deserve to know. I'm not going to take up your offer of Padawanship, because even though it meant the universe to me, and helped me in ways you can't begin to understand, it's wrong. I've known it for a while – since I came back in time, actually, even if I didn't want to admit it."
He snorted. "Yes, I came back in time. That is my big secret. Well… one of them. And I plan on telling you all of them because, as I said, you deserve to know. Me keeping it from you would be selfish… and I am finished being selfish like that.
"But I am unsure if I can iterate it twice, so… wake up soon, please, and I will tell you everything. I am going to do what I should have done before you left to go to Utapau. Before that, even… before the Clone Wars and after my mother…
"Hmm. Perhaps I should stop there. Just… know you are not alone. Not this time. You have people waiting back here for you."
No answer. He sighed softly and closed his eyes, reaching out with the Force. Remembering his admiration for this man and focusing on that, he entered a light trance quickly, hoping that maybe he could get the sentiment through to the knight.
Wait… something was reaching back. He practically scrambled for the presence. Had Obi-wan been coming out of the trance after all?
He heard a voice croak, "Anakin?"
And then the world completely fell away.
Wait… what?
It took him several seconds to realize he was now in a vision…
Oh.
The world that suddenly surrounded him looked battle damaged. The fields around him had been burnt and lay dead as the blackened remnants shivered in mild breeze. The sky overhead hung heavy with gray clouds and smoke, completing the gloomy picture. In the distance, he could see a smoking city.
He frowned. He'd never been to this world before.
"Who are you?" a familiar voice had him turning around to see Obi-wan standing there. He looked younger than Anakin had ever seen him. When Anakin looked down at himself, he saw he was in his older body.
That was… unusual. And disconcerting. He was not used to being the older of the two of them.
"It's… me," he said, then realized how ridiculous that sounded. But before he could correct himself, recognition lit up the boy's features.
"Anakin?"
"Yes," he responded, relieved. Then Obi-wan looked him up and down.
"Why are you so old?"
"Why are you so young?" he returned, not really wanting to answer that question just yet.
Fortunately, Obi-wan just chuckled. "Touché. Well, this is… something rather significant happened here in my past, I suppose."
"Oh?" Anakin asked, surprised and intrigued… and perhaps a little worried.
"Yes," the boy replied sadly. "I… left the Jedi Order for some people I met on this world."
Anakin just stared at him. He'd heard about that but… it hadn't seemed real. He'd thought it an exaggeration or a misunderstanding… but apparently not.
"I went back to the Order, of course," the boy went on, stepping past Anakin, eyes fixed on the distant city. "But this is a war-torn world. The people here… they refuse to try and see the other side and we couldn't do anything. There was a group of youth, who called themselves the Youth or the Young, coincidentally, who wanted peace and who fought both sides of the war." He shook his head. "I was so naive. I thought my presence could help them… but in the end, they died. Well, not all of them, I suppose." He smiled, trying to bring some levity to the conversation, but it was a paltry attempt at best and soon the fake expression fell away.
He shook his head. "Honestly, this is a bit of a relief for me. I've been going over everything that happened with Ferus in my mind, just as I did here so many times and… Well, in any case, I have explained the setting. Will you explain your appearance now?"
Anakin felt himself deflate a little, but he also nodded.
"I suppose now is as good of a time to tell you as any. Better, even, as no one can overhear us here.
"I wanted to tell you everything."
Obi-wan raised his eyebrow, and suddenly he was a knight again, not the padawan from before.
"And what, pray tell, do you mean by 'everything'?"
Before Anakin could say anything, the world around them reformed, changing from dull grays, blacks and browns to warm tans, vibrant greens, blues and reds. Anakin immediately realized where they were: Naboo. They stood on the steps of the palace as Boss Nass held up the orb of peace. Padmé and Palpatine stood there as well and off to the side stood another Obi-wan and a young Anakin.
Oh.
Oh… kriff. He hadn't expected that… Would… would this happen every time he said something? Should he wait to explain? Could he wait?
The idea of showing Obi-wan everything… his chest felt tight. And yet, he wouldn't have to tell it either… maybe explain a bit here and there, but just showing the knight and letting him come to his own conclusions with as little input from Anakin as possible definitely had its appeal.
Was this really okay?
"I know this place… but this… this isn't what happened," the older Obi-wan said slowly as he approached the top of the steps. "What about Jedi Traavis? And why do you have a padawan haircut?"
It was Anakin's turn to smile sadly (and maybe self deprecatingly).
"Because this is what I remember from my first time."
Obi-wan turned to him, puzzled. "First time?"
Anakin nodded. "Obi-wan, this is the second time I've lived this life. I'm from the future."
xXx
Obi-wan stared at the man before him. Tall with dark blond hair, a scar over one of his eyes and while he looked to be in his early twenties, he gave off an air that made him seem as old as Yoda. Older, more tired, more resigned even.
"I beg your pardon?"
The man just shook his head and let out a half-chuckle, half sigh. "You heard correctly. I am from the future."
Which… actually made so much sense, but… also didn't because… what?!
"How?" he finally asked.
Anakin looked down for a moment and then up again. "You, actually."
Obi-wan didn't bother keeping the incredulous, skeptical bafflement off of his face and Anakin acknowledged that with a nod.
"Initially, I didn't have any training when Qui-gon found me. He still thought I was the 'Chosen One' and he was determined to take me back."
"That… sounds like him," Obi-wan muttered, amused and wistful. "If there was any life form within any distance that needed saving, he'd manage to find them and bring them with us. I became rather good at learning to re-home pets and plants during my padawan years."
He smiled, but then something occurred to him. Pieces fell together and he looked up at Anakin in realization.
"That's how you knew he would die… you'd lived it already."
A pained expression flickered across the face of the man Anakin would one day become before he nodded.
"I wanted to save him, even as conflicted as I was then."
Obi-wan managed a smile, even through the pang of pain that stabbed through him at the memory of his old Master.
"I still thank you for that."
Anakin snorted that time, as if he appreciated the thought but couldn't believe it. "Wait until the end… and then we'll see how grateful you are."
Well… that was ominous.
"In any case, in my first life, I had no dark training, so the temple didn't see the need to keep me around to keep an eye on me." He said that in an ironic, if slightly bitter, tone as he folded his arms and was suddenly beside Obi-wan, looking down at his younger self with an expression the knight couldn't read. "Qui-gon asked you to make sure I trained as a Jedi, so you took me on immediately."
The knight couldn't help but look in horror over at the older Anakin. That would have been a monumentally bad idea… but he'd considered it in this life too, and if he felt that was the only way…
"Oh, Force," he muttered, putting a hand to his forehead.
Anakin snorted. "You have no idea."
And Obi-wan believed him.
"This isn't going to be pretty, is it," he said softly. It wasn't a question.
For several seconds, Anakin didn't answer. When he finally did, he shook his head. "Yes and no." Then he looked over at Obi-wan, eyes pleading. "But I think you have to know. While we have already avoided many of the mistakes you will see, I think you need to know about them anyway. So you understand…"
"Understand what?"
The young man just shook his head. "You will see."
The world around them changed to the muted, calm colors of the Jedi Temple. For the next long while, Obi-wan watched as young Anakin began his life at the Jedi Temple, apprenticed to the 'Sith Killer', older than usually brought in and supposedly special and strong…
He watched as the boy was both revered and ostracized… much like how Ferus had told Obi-wan he felt; how he didn't really have any friends from his crèche. At least, not close ones, and so Ferus had studied and put everything into being the best he could be, which had only ostracized him more.
It seemed Anakin had had a similar problem.
And then Anakin began to go over to the Senate building where he would meet with the Chancellor, at first with Obi-wan as the politician insisted on thanking them, but then with only Anakin. He frowned. That didn't seem right… but then Anakin came back so thrilled and upbeat after he'd been so lonely and melancholy before, so neither Obi-wan said anything.
Then Anakin made friends with Tru Veld and began going on missions. He caught up to his peers and then surpassed them with a determination Obi-wan could definitely relate to. Unfortunately, when they went on assignment, it looked as if their missions tended to go south just about as often as Obi-wan's and Qui-gon's had.
For the first time since he'd begun to view Anakin's other past, he spoke up. "I thought I would be through with missions gone entirely wrong once I became a knight."
Anakin glanced over at him, eyebrow raised in a gesture he could have only learned from Obi-wan (and for some reason, that sent a pang of longing and pain through his heart that he didn't understand).
"Naive of you."
It was Obi-wan's turn to snort. "You're not wrong…"
They continued to watch as Anakin grew, but Obi-wan had to comment.
"I wasn't ready to take on a padawan." It was obvious to him now, and he was pretty sure it would have been obvious to everyone then. He'd been openly grieving just as hard for Qui-gon as Obi-wan remembered from this life, and he couldn't imagine having someone to take care of on top of that.
"No," Anakin agreed. "You weren't. But the Council gave you no other choice except to send me away. I don't think taking me on was a good choice, but I am grateful to you… to the other you. More than I realized, now that I look back on this."
The scenes stopped coming in order and seemed to be geared more towards emotions. They would get several happy or funny or carefree ones in a row ("Did you really reprogram that robot to say those things to the Council Members?" "What? It was funny!"), but one would either come from something sad or lead to something painful and then they would get a series of memories along those lines.
Eventually came the training trip to a planet Obi-wan recognized. His breath drew in as he watched events unfold so similarly to his most recent trip with Ferus.
"It was a targeted attack," he breathed, coming to realizations. "They were targeting me."
Anakin shot him an apologetic expression. "Yes. That," he pointed to the man they met towards the end of that rather nasty training trip that had turned into a life-or-death situation, "is Granta Omega, a Force Null with connections, who also happens to be the son of Xanatos Du Crion."
Obi-wan felt his mouth drop open as he stared at Anakin, hoping his accusation was nothing more than a cruel joke. His hopes shattered with Anakin's next words.
"He blames you for his father's death. Or, well, he blames Qui-gon, but as Qui-gon isn't here, he decided to target you… at least that was what I understood. I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time I've misread the subtext."
"He has Ferus…" Obi-wan whispered, the most horrible thoughts going through his mind of what his padawan could be going through. "Oh, Force…"
A hand on his shoulder had him looking over at Anakin's blue eyes. The boy he'd offered padawanship to… the boy who had been his padawan in another life.
"Siri has gone after him."
Obi-wan blinked. "Siri? But… why?"
Anakin sighed, although it seemed more amused than anything. "Because she came back with me. She has memories from the future too."
That… had not been something he'd expected… at all. Actually, none of this was, to be fair.
"She… came back?"
Anakin nodded. "She and her younger self merged, but it wasn't as easy or clean as my own experience was."
"That was why she was in the healer's wing…"
Anakin nodded again. "Yes. It took a while to fully integrate her future and past memories. I believe, she still has some disconnections, actually."
That… made so much sense with everything she'd spouted off at times and her inability to know when she was, or her age and rank…
But if that were true…
The horror from before came back and his stomach sank several inches. "I… was there when she… had some episodes."
Anakin winced and withdrew his arm.
"Yeah. I'll… get to that. Just know that Siri will bring him back. She still thinks of Ferus as her padawan at times and she's stubborn enough to not give up until she's found him."
Despite himself, Obi-wan relaxed at that, because if anyone knew that fact, he did. Siri didn't give up. He wasn't sure those words were in her vocabulary. The relief hit him and he smiled… but then it quickly changed to guilt because he should have been able to do something to prevent this. He was a Jedi Knight, for kriff's sake.
"One thing you should take from this," Anakin gestured to the verdant world around them while his other slef and young Anakin boarded their ship, "is that it is not your fault. Omega was after you and you couldn't have known."
"But, I should have—"
"Nope," Anakin said, holding up a hand and closing his eyes in either frustration or exasperation (or both?). "I know you know you have a guilt complex – that you take everything on yourself." He snorted. "So do I, actually. And we both have our reasons. But you have to realize that Ferus' kidnapping is not your fault. No more than it was mine. Or should I blame myself for coming back in time and changing things? I mean, Ferus wouldn't have gotten kidnapped had I not come back…"
He had a point, but that didn't stop Obi-wan from feeling guilty.
"Talk to Master Xio about this," Anakin suggested, having guessed or sensed his continuing mood. Then he looked up at the ship disappearing into the atmosphere of the planet. He seemed to find something grimly amusing. "It helps."
The idea of sharing anything like this made Obi-wan cringe, but… he had been doing better and feeling better since he'd begun to voluntarily attend mind-healing sessions…
"I… will think about it."
Anakin shot him a knowing look. "Please do more than that. If you don't discuss it, it becomes infinitely harder to overcome." He snorted. "Padmé used to tell me to talk to her, and I just thought it was a girl thing. Yet another example of naivety despite my past."
Obi-wan raised an eyebrow, curious.
The other young man waved his hand dismissively. "You'll understand later. In any case… moving on."
The two of them watched their other selves go on several more missions, all of them seemingly worse than the last.
One of them in particular had Obi-wan blurting out, "Is that an entire gundark nest?!"
"Yes," Anakin replied, smiling smugly.
Obi-wan's incredulity skyrocketed. "Not just one, a whole nest?!"
The other man just nodded, that smile never dimming.
"You seem to find my suffering enjoyable! How did I even survive that?!"
Anakin just laughed. He laughed, the brat! "Watch."
Fortunately, with young Anakin's help, he'd been able to get out of that mess… and that seemed to be a running theme.
"Is it just me, or did we have to rescue each other too often?"
"We had a running tally. Which I won, by the way."
Obi-wan couldn't help but find that somewhat offensive… well, maybe more mockingly offensive than anything, but still.
"I'm sure I did my part!"
Again, Anakin laughed, and Obi-wan realized that he'd never seen Anakin laugh unrestrained like that. It was a nice sound, relaxing and contagious and he found himself smiling warmly at the man. It seemed he'd been right in thinking that Anakin and he would make a good team once he was more ready to take on a padawan.
But then he realized that his knowledge of the Anakin he knew and the hints the man had dropped earlier didn't match up.
Something similar must have occurred to the other man because he'd stopped laughing and a dark expression covered his face. Dread and resignation and pain among other things.
Obi-wan stepped forward and put a hand on the taller man's shoulder. "Anakin… what happened?"
The pain in his expression increased and he looked up. His face spoke of fear and resentment and self-hatred and regret.
Then he said something that made Obi-wan almost sick.
"I made a series of monumentally stupid decisions and mistakes."
It didn't take long for the older knight to put it all together. "You Fell."
Anakin closed his eyes for several seconds as he seemed to gather himself. Then he looked up at Obi-wan and nodded.
"Yes. I did."
xXx
AN: Ha! I told you I'd still have Anakin and Obi-wan bonding in here~! :D (Just wait until the next chapter... It'll be a great Christmas gift for some of you, lol.)
Thank you to Quathis, Hidden50 and Khalthar for their help on this! Luv you! Thankful for you!
Discord: discord. gg/TQxEBuhVjK
