The next day was a Saturday. In the middle of lunch, Hermione looked up very suddenly.
"Harry! Ron! I just realized something!"
"Wha' 'ow?" said Ron, his mouth full of potatoes.
"We haven't done our Defense homework yet, and it's due Monday!" said Hermione frantically.
"Wait. The one about coming up with insults for Voldemort?" said Harry. "Oh yeah! I forgot! And that's such a fun one, too!"
"Yeah, about the only time homework has ever been fun," grumbled Ron. "We'll do it after lunch - we're only halfway through!"
Twenty minutes later, they were back up in the Gryffindor common room and had their parchment, quills and ink set out in front of them in their favorite armchairs by the fire.
"So…" Harry looked up at Hermione. "Booksy, you're supposed to be helping us, right?"
Hermione snorted. "Well…yes, I can, but don't you think we should hear from the master first?" she said, grinning.
"What? You're actually going to go to McGonagall?" asked Ron, gaping at her.
"Excuse me if I want to get an O on this assignment," she said.
"But…d'you think she'd let you?" asked Harry.
"Yes, I think she'd let me," said Hermione, still grinning.
"Can we come?" begged Ron.
"If you say please."
"PLEASE, Hermione!" shouted Harry and Ron together.
"Okay," she said. "Let's go, then." She pulled out her notepad and pen, and, with Harry and Ron following her, walked out of the Common Room.
They were waiting outside of Professor McGonagall's office. Nervously, Hermione knocked on the door.
"Come in," came McGonagall's voice.
"Er…" started Hermione, Harry and Ron lingering behind her.
"Out with it, Miss Granger," said McGonagall.
"Well, we had a question about Defense homework," started Harry, aware that Hermione wasn't going to start talking, despite her confidence earlier.
"Then I suggest you ask Professor Rebus," said McGonagall. "Or Holly, as she prefers everyone to call her. Is this about where her office is?"
"No," said Hermione. "Actually, she asked us to ask you for help."
"Oh?" said McGonagall. "And what is this homework assignment?"
"It's coming up with five insults for Voldemort to scream in his face if we ever face him in battle," said Ron, grinning.
"Mr. Weasley! Dueling He-Who - Voldemort is no laughing matter!" said McGonagall angrily.
"No, we're being serious," said Hermione earnestly. For some reason, the statement caused her to turn pink and Harry and Ron to start snorting uncontrollably. She handed the worksheet to the Transfiguration teacher, whose eyebrows shot up seemingly into her hat.
"Well, why would she ask you to get help from me?" she asked.
"Er…I believe the exact words were that you, along with Malfoy and Hermione, were 'quite accomplished with insults'." said Harry.
"OHHH!" said McGonagall. "That's what this is about! Alright, I'll give you some tips," she said, grinning uncharacteristically. "Take this down. Number one.
Use alliteration to confuse your adversary." Hermione scribbled furiously on her notepad. "Number two. Lead your enemy to believe that you're complimenting them and then surprise them with an insult in your punchline. Number three. Don't ever stop at one insult. Fire off several short and quick ones at once. That's all I've got for now - well, they're the ones I use anyway. Besides, I doubt that you should have any more problems with your homework - you seem to have a proclivity for burns, too."
Hermione went red.
They went back to the common room, and started writing down ideas.
"Hey, Hermione, I think I've got one!" said Ron, sniggering.
"What?" she asked.
"It's Crucio, not Cruccccccio," said Ron in a bad imitation of Hermione.
"Ron!"
"What?" said Ron.
"It is funny," said Harry.
"No, it's not!" said Hermione heatedly. "Ronald, that was four years ago!"
"Calm down, Hermione!" laughed Harry.
"Hmph!" she said.
"Okay, what about this one?" Harry said after a good deal of crossing out and rewriting. "There's one thing that I must commend you on," he began.
"Oh?" said Ron, in a voice that sounded oddly like the Dark Lord.
"The selection of your Death Eaters seems to have been a meticulous selection, with a large set of criteria that are required to be met by them. But there is one skill that stands out."
"Are you looking to join my ranks, Potter?"
"Tell me, how is it that every Death Eater is so wonderful at being utterly useless?"
Hermione snorted.
Meanwhile, in the Slytherin dormitories, Draco Malfoy had done a great deal of research. Knowing your adversary was always essential if you were to annoy them. And to his utter surprise - the Dark Lord was not a pureblood. He was the half-blood son of a Muggle and a Squib. What on Earth? He'd grown up in an orphanage (really?) and hadn't even known he was a wizard until Dumbledore had told him. Then, why did he hate Muggles so much? He'd grown up around him, hadn't he? And his real name was Tom Marvolo Riddle.
The first thought he'd had was to tell his father about all of this, and then he realized that he could have much more fun with this situation if he timed it right.
So he sat back down, pulled out his quill and started to write.
"Tom, are you missing Jerry? Is that why you're chasing another guy with five letters in a name that ends with r-r-y?" he wrote, referencing a muggle cartoon show.
He couldn't wait till his father found out about all this.
That night, in the staff room, McGonagall looked at Professor Rebus with newfound respect.
"Holly?"
She turned around. "Yes, Minerva?" Merlin, she knew it was too good to last. To her surprise, McGonagall started laughing.
"I heard about the new assignment you set for your fifth years," she started.
"Oh?"
"Yes, a surprising number of fifth years have come up to me to ask for insults to Voldemort?"
The staff room erupted into laughter. Snape massaged his head. There was no way that the Dark Lord was going to not find out about this. Why, why in the name of Merlin, was Bella set on embarrassing the Dark Lord?
A/N: The idea for the Crucio insult comes from a video edit I watched by a Youtuber called Mr.K. In case you've still got any other insults for Voldemort, suggestions are welcome.
