Honestly, there was a lot of nonsense going on in the last chapter. Let's outline the important stuff, shall we? Kakashi is broke and needs to take a C-rank soon, or he'll not be able to pay rent. Itachi asks Shisui out, he refuses, but Itachi is determined. Something weird is going on in Hell. Team Seven is training their water walking skills, Naruto thinks Hiruzen is a pedophile, and Naya is very gory. Someone dumped food coloring in the water, and Goryu and Mikaso are still making out. Oh, and then there's the ominous letter that Naruto got. It's an odd life, isn't it?


Chapter Five:

In Which There Was Plot

"What are you doing?"

"Having an existential crisis."

"At midnight? Why are you out here instead of inside?"

Itachi squinted up at Izumi who was looking at him, concerned.

"Say, Izumi," Itachi said. "You like me, right?"

Izumi went beet-red. "Y-Yes," she finally managed.

"Do you also like Shisui?"

Izumi went even redder.

Itachi chuckled. "Well, Izumi, how would you like a Reverse-Harem?"

Izumi blinked. "You're drunk, aren't you?"

"I'll stand by my decision when I'm sober, too."

Izumi bit her lip. Then, "Yes, I would like a Reverse-Harem with you and Shisui, and maybe even your brother because he will most likely be hot when he grows up."

"All Uchiha are hot," Itachi said solemnly. "I'm already in, Shisui will take a little bit of convincing, and I'm not sure if Sasuke knows what a Reverse-Harem is...don't worry, I'll take care of it. I'll gather more members from the Clan and you start working on non-Clan members."

Izumi nodded, her eyes set in determination. "Yes!"

"Oh, and do you want it to be male-only?"

"Well, I'm straight, so yes."

"Too bad. Whatever, you go get some sleep. So will I. We can start working on your boy-toys tomorrow."

"Okay!"

And that is how Izumi Uchiha got her thirty-member Reverse-Harem.

It took a lot of effort, though. Itachi's going to have a lot of work on his hands.


"...and Cinderella married Prince Charming and they all lived Happily Ever After. The End." Fugaku shut the storybook closed. "See? Wasn't that nice? Can you go to sleep now? PLEASE?!"

Naya considered it. "...NO! THA' STOWY WAS STUUPID. WHEWE'S 'TA BWOOD AND GORE?!"

Fugaku sighed in defeat. "And then Cinderella went crazy, killed the Prince, Queen, and King, took over the kingdom, ruled with an iron fist, and slaughtered everyone who stood in her way. The End."

"YAY!"

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"M'kay!" Naya said brightly. She paused. "Oh, oh, I've gotta question!"

Fugaku clenched his jaw. "What?" he seethed.

"Why hasn't Mama woken up yet?"

Fugaku froze. How do I say it in a way that won't break her heart? "Uh...your mama did wake up! Trust me, she's just somewhere else right now!" Crisis averted.

"Where did she go?"

Fugaku swallowed. "She went to a place called the Pure Lands," he said finally because there was no way she would understand what that meant-

"M-Mama's dead?" Naya asked.

Fugaku cursed his luck.

"Uh...yes?" He winced slightly. That probably wasn't the best answer.

Naya was silent, before, "Oh, that's why she wa' covered in bwood."

She then went back to playing with the pen that she insisted was a unicorn named Koko, and Fugaku decided to get her to therapy.

While Fugaku was deep in thought, Naya frowned and itched the inside of her thigh.


Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it was):

Mizuki snored in his cauldron. He was having a wonderful dream about marrying Tsubaki and rubbing it in Eriko's face when someone woke him up.

"What?" he said groggily. He wanted to sleep, dammit! It had been over a year and Kakkri had yet to return, and Mizuki was now used to sleeping in.

"Wake up, scum!" a voice snapped.

Mizuki's eyes shot open. He regarded the devilishly handsome man standing in front of him. "Who the hell are you?" he asked warily.

"Your new keeper. Now come on. This whole section is under evacuation."

And that's when Mizuki finally heard the alarm bells ringing.

"What's going on?"

The man grinned, revealing razor-sharp teeth and a snake's tongue.

"An uprising."


The next day with Sakura:

Sakura was calmly reading over some reports when her mother walked in.

"Are Goryu and Mikaso still making out?"

"Yep," Mebuki sighed. "Anyway, Chino is here. She seems pretty frantic."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. Chino helped her oversee reports. "What's got her anxious?"

"Don't know," Mebuki said. "You ask her." Sakura nodded and Mebuki walked out of the room, sending Chino in after her.

"So," Sakura said, "what is it?"

Chino, her eyes frantic, slammed a stack of papers onto Sakura's desk. "Three of your main clients have gone silent!"

Sakura's eye widened and she stood up abruptly. "I want a negotiator sent to each client! I want to know what's going on! If they refuse to meet, send in the scouts!"

Chino paled. "Yes, Lady Sakura!" She scrambled out of the room and Sakura sighed.

What's going on?


Kakashi's stomach growled. Asuma, who was sitting next to him in the Jounin Lounge, raised an eyebrow. "You going to eat anything, or..."

Kakashi sighed. "I'm broke."

"Broke?"

"So is your girlfriend," Kakashi said.

Asuma blushed. "Kurenai and I are not dating."

"I never mentioned Kurenai," Kakashi pointed out. Asuma froze.

Kakashi chuckled. "But yes, Kurenai is also broke."

"Why are you guys broke?"

"Neither of us has had a mission over D-rank for the last few weeks because of testing and our Genin Teams and, unlike you, we're not part of a Clan and have apartments to pay for."

Asuma nodded. "Is that why you both have been living off of nothing but the free dango they offer here for the last two days?"

"Why did you think we were doing that?"

"I don't know, some kind of fad diet? An extreme fad diet, seeing as neither of you had eaten anything else."

"Hey, I've only been having lunch here," Kakashi said defensively.

"Have you legally been having any other meal?" Asuma retorted.

"My friends are very charitable," Kakashi sniffed.

"That's not exactly good."

"Screw you," Kakashi said, taking another sip from his glass of water. He then paused and wrinkled his nose, glancing down at it. "...why's this pee-colored?"

"Some weirdo threw a few hundred gallons of food coloring into the Ha River," Asuma replied.

"Wasn't that only a problem in Fushigina Basho?"

Asuma shrugged. "Father decided to place that water in all of Konoha's pipes just to prove a point."

"Well, it tastes weird."

Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Really?" He poured himself some water, then sipped it. "It tastes normal to me."

Kakashi blinked and looked down at the glass again. "My stomach doesn't feel right."

"You okay-"

Kakashi then proceeded to projectile vomit right into Asuma's face.

Asuma just sighed. "You might be allergic to the food coloring."

"You think?" Kakashi groaned.

"...is it weird that I'm used to having people throw up on my face?"

"...that sounds like an interesting story, which I will be willing to hear after my stomach finishes constricting painfully."

"'kay."


The Hokage was staring at a whimpering Naya, who was in the arms of Mikoto. Naya let out another cry of pain as she clutched her left thigh.

Hiruzen's eyes narrowed. "What's wrong?" he asked seriously.

"A seal," Mikoto said calmly.

"...what kind of seal?"

"I do not know for certain...but it seems to resemble the one given to Anko Mitarashi by Orochimaru the Sannin."

Hiruzen's jaw clenched. "Show me it."

Mikoto nodded. She turned to Naya, the softly said, "Honey, I'm going to take off your pants, okay? The Hokage said he needs to see the bad mark on your leg, okay?"

Naya whimpered again. "B-Bu' the weiwd boy said Gampa's a pedo!"

Mikoto froze and depression marks fell over Hiruzen's head. "N-Naruto..."

"I-I'm sure that the...'weird boy' was just joking," Mikoto said softly. Her sharp eyes turned to the Hokage. "Right?"

"Trust me, I don't like Naruto calling me that any more than you do," Hiruzen muttered.

"Good," Mikoto said cooly. "Now, Naya, I'm taking off your pants, okay?"

Naya let out another whimpered, but this time nodded. Mikoto nodded back before slowly easing off Naya's pants.

When they were off, she put Naya on the desk and asked her to sit with her legs crossed.

"Criss-cross applesauce," Naya muttered as she sat. Then she let out another cry of pain and once again clutched her thigh.

"Calm down, sweetie," Mikoto soothed. "I know it hurts, but we need Lord Hokage to see the bad mark, okay?"

Tears in her eyes, Naya hesitantly let go of her leg. It stayed tense, but now Hiruzen could see clearly. High up her thigh, close to her underwear, was a seal.

Hiruzen let out a breath of awe. "It's nearly identical to Anko's," he breathed.

"Which is what I was saying," Mikoto continued. "What I want to know is why it was in such an intimate spot on a child."

"It's unlikely that anyone would take off her pants and actually look there," Hiruzen said. "She's got no family and most others would be uncomfortable inspecting such an intimate spot."

"What about a doctor?" Mikoto asked.

Hiruzen sighed. "I looked into the reports. She's the daughter of an Iwa missing-nin and a now-deceased Konoha Kunoichi. If this seal was really placed here by Orochimaru, then he probably wasn't expecting the missing-nin to kill his girlfriend, thus leaving Naya in someone else's custody.

"Even if he did...Konoha doesn't have the best social service system. We have one orphanage, and the second one is being built. If you're an orphan on the street...you stay an orphan on the street. You grow up, and you're unlikely to become much more than a homeless beggar. No one cares about the orphaned children who live on the street, they're seen as no different than stray dogs. Naya's lucky that the Police Force just happened to be monitoring her street when the incident happened."

Mikoto nodded. "It's true. If a child without a Clan is orphaned, they're likely to end up on the street. I remember the huge rise in orphans after the Kyuubi attacked."

"Our one sole orphanage could only take so much," Hiruzen agreed.

"I..." Naya broke in. "I'm lucky?"

Mikoto frowned. "In some ways you are, Naya...but in many, you're not. Look at life brightly, okay?"

Naya nodded. "Yes, Mama."

And Mikoto's heart melted.

"Mama, Gampa?"

"Yes?" Hiruzen asked.

"Can I put on my pants now?"

"Oh, yes."

After a silence, Mikoto cleared her throat. "Well, Lord Hokage, what now?"

The Hokage leaned back in his chair, his eyes closed as he thought. Finally, they flashed open.

"It's about time Jiraiya came back to the Village."


Izumi walked into the Village's main market, her eyes set in determination.

Now, she thought, who's handsome?

She eyed everyone in the crowd.

No. No. No. Meh. Too many scars. Too short. Too tall. That guy looks like a murderer. That guy looks like a rapist.

Finally, she spotted them.

They're perfect!

And so, with a rare amount of confidence, Izumi Uchiha (I repeat: UCHIHA) walked right up to the group of stunningly handsome men, held out her hand to the one that seemed to be the leader of the group, and said, "Mr. Hyuuga, would you and your friends be interested in joining my Reverse-Harem?"

All the talk in that general vicinity immediately ceased. Pale violet eyes regarded her cooly.

"And who are you?" the man asked calmly.

"Izumi Uchiha," Izumi answered, a large smile on her face. "And, if everything goes well, your future girlfriend."

The Hyuuga smirked. "My my, aren't you a confident one."

One of his friends snorted, which was an odd sight coming from the usually dignified Hyuuga (not that Izumi could say much, seeing as Uchiha usually don't go around asking people if they were interested in joining harems).

"Heh, she's got a backbone," the other one said.

"Ignore her," the final member of the Hyuuga trio remarked calmly.

The other two ignored him.

"You seem pretty," the leader mused. "My name's Katashi Hyuuga."

"And mine's Naoki Hyuuga," the other broke in.

"It's wonderful to meet you Katashi, Naoki."

"What the hell are you two doing?" the third one growled. "Are you out of your minds?"

"Chill Rikuto," Naoki said as he smiled at Izumi.

Seemingly in sync, Naoki and Katashi took a sip from their water bottles.

Izumi blinked. "...are you two twins, by any chance?"

"Yep," Katashi said smoothly. "Old stick in the mud over there's our younger brother."

"My name is Rikuto," Rikuto snapped.

No one was listening to him though.

"You should be careful with the water, you know," Izumi said. "Someone dumped a bunch of food coloring into it."

"A little bit of food coloring isn't going to bring us down," Naoki reassured.

Izumi giggled.

Katashi grinned. "Looks like you've got yourself two new members."

"You're actually going to join her goddamn harem?!" Rikuto demanded.

Once again, no one listened to him. Rikuto's eyes narrowed. Something was wrong here. This wasn't how his brothers normally acted.

What the hell is going on?


Sakura stared down at Chino's trembling form.

"Report."

Chino winced but nodded. "The only one we got an answer from was the Murasakino-me. It was a single message that can only be opened by you, Lady Sakura."

"Give it here."

Chino nodded once again. She handed the purple scroll over to Sakura. It was so small that it fit neatly in the palm of her hand. The eye printed on the front seemed to stare deep into her soul.

Sakura wasted no time in undoing the seal. She whipped it open and her emerald orbs scanned the one sentence written in it.

A mole has dived into the river.

For a second, all was silent.

Then-

"GET EVERYONE WE HIRED WITHIN THE LAST MONTH IN HERE NOW!" Sakura roared.

Chino hastily bowed, then ran out of the room to do her given task.

Sakura grit her teeth. In a fit of rage, she punched the wall.

Her fist went right through.

"When I find this mole that has decided to dive into my river...may the gods have mercy on their soul."


"You sure you're okay, Kakashi?"

"...I'm fine, Asuma."

"What's with that weird look in your eyes?"

"...It's nothing."

"And why are you talking so dramatically?"

"Just let me go goddammit!"

"If you say so..."


Sasuke watched Izumi Uchiha charm two members of the Hyuuga Clan into her Reverse-Harem with a raised eyebrow.

"Wow, I can't believe that they actually agreed," he muttered.

Naruto took another lick from his blueberry ice cream. "At least they aren't stick in the muds."

"That's the thing, nearly all Hyuuga are stick in the muds."

Naruto raised his eyebrow. "Nearly?"

"Well, Hinata's an obvious exception, and even the Clan Head isn't that bad...well, as long as you don't offend him."

"Aren't all Clan Heads like that?"

"No," Sasuke said. "The Inuzuka Clan Head, Tsume Inuzuka, is really laid back. Shikaku Nara of the Nara Clan finds it hard to care even if you do say something that should probably offend him. Shibi of the Aburame Clan is strangely understanding. He's a lot like Shino, though that's probably because they're family. They say that the Aburame are the most neutral of all the Clans. They don't really pick sides, instead deciding to stay out of it."

"They sound super chill," Naruto said, dragging Sasuke away from the mystified crowd.

"No...I'm telling you, something's not right with them. They're too...unified. Every Clan has at least some dissonance in it. The Aburame...it's like they're all part of the same entity. And many know things they're not supposed to." Sasuke paused as the duo veered into an empty street. "How do I put this...

"Okay, I was once working with Shino on a project during the Academy. We had to stay after class to sort everything out. As soon as we were finished, Shino's mother walked in." Sasuke stopped. "Like, the moment I made the last pencil stroke, she was suddenly right next to me. I wanted to be polite, so I acted like I didn't notice. She was actually pretty nice but she seemed to know me in a way that she really shouldn't. She brought us snacks. Melon, I think, for Shino. And...

"And she brought me tomato onigiri," Sasuke said that last one softly.

Naruto stared at him, confused. "So? That's your favorite food, right?"

"There has only been one time when I told someone other than you, Sakura, and my mother what my favorite food was: the Academy introductions." Sasuke took in a deep breath. "Naruto, this incident happened during our fourth year."

All was silent.

Finally, Naruto started. "Are you saying-"

"Naruto~! Ducky~!" a familiar voice sang.

Sasuke turned towards the voice, startled. "Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi jumped down from the roof of the building next to them, a smile on his face. "There you two are! Do you know where Pinky is? I want to teach you guys something today!"

Something about his voice was off. Sasuke stepped back slightly.

"I'm pretty sure that she's at her house right now," Naruto said. "Besides, didn't you say that we had today off?"

"Always expect the unexpected," Kakashi replied solemnly.

"But then doesn't that make the unexpected expected?"

"...anyway," Kakashi continued, "come on! It's learning time!"

"What are we learning?" Sasuke asked warily. His instincts were screaming NOT RIGHT NOT RIGHT!

Kakashi giggled. "We're going to memorize the whole Shinobi Manual!"

Naruto blanched. "OH HELL NO!"

Kakashi shook his head. "Too bad. Come on, now, let's go!"

Sasuke discreetly fingered his kunai and Naruto went on fuming. "THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE MAKING ME READ THE WHOLE GODDAMN SHINOBI MANUAL YOU GODDAMN GOT THAT GODDAMMIT?!"

"That was way too many goddamns in one sentence," Sasuke muttered.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GODDAMN CARE?"

Kakashi's face hardened. "I said," Kakashi repeated, his voice as cold as ice, "let's go."

And that's when Sasuke drew his kunai and launched it at Kakashi. Naruto, his eyes widening, dropped his ice cream and sent three more at their sensei.

Kakashi was gone before the kunai were within half a meter of him.

The blunt end of a kunai hit the back of both their skulls.

They fell to the ground.

Right before he fell unconscious, Naruto caught a glimpse of his eye-smiling sensei.

"Now, we can't have soldiers who don't listen, can we?"


"Lord Hokage, the message has been sent to Jiraiya of the Sannin!" a Chuunin said.

Hiruzen nodded. "Dismissed."

"Yes, Lord Hokage!" With a blur of motion, the Chuunin was gone.

Mikoto, who had Naya sleeping in her lap, shook her head. "How long until he gets here?"

"Anywhere from an hour to a week."

"You really have no idea where he is, do you?"

Hiruzen sighed. "One of my students is a rogue ninja. The other has been scarred so much that she is unable to call her birth village home. The final one wanders the Earth waiting to find the purpose in life that I was supposed to give him." He leaned back in his seat. "Tell me, Mikoto, am I as horrible a sensei as I am a father?"

Mikoto bit her lip. "Honestly, from what I've heard so far, you need to be kept away from children in general."

Depression lines slammed over his face. "I-I see..."

Mikoto laughed sheepishly. "Anyway, about the food coloring in our water...was it really necessary to put that in all of our pipes?"

Hiruzen, coming out of his gloom, shook his head. "I was tired of everyone complaining so much. I needed to prove a point. Trust me, Mikoto, the water is perfectly safe to drink. I've been drinking the water, and I'm fine."

Mikoto looked him up and down. She took in his wrinkled face, bags, and twitching fingers (which were probably protesting the amount of paperwork he had to do).

"I wouldn't say that you're fine, Lord Hokage, but I agree that it has nothing to do with the tap water."

Aaaand, the depression lines were back.

There was a knock on the door. Seeing how Hiruzen didn't look like he was going to respond, Mikoto yelled, "Come in!"

In walked a man in a medical uniform. He bowed.

"I was requested to do a check-up for a young girl named...Naya?"

Mikoto nodded, gesturing to Naya who was still asleep in her nap. The man nodded back.

"I'll start setting up. Can you wake her up for me?"

"Of course." Mikoto gently shook Naya. "Come on, honey, it's time to wake up." Naya's eyes remained shut. Mikoto frowned and shook her again. Then again harder.

Naya's eyes remained closed.

Mikoto looked back at the medic. "She's not waking up."

The medic blinked. Then he jumped into action, packing up everything he had taken out and scooping Naya out of Mikoto's nap.

"I'll take her to the hospital. Please come with me so that you can fill out all the information possible about her."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Oh, and the name's Hosho."


Itachi Uchiha was having a very bad day. First of all, he woke up with a huge hangover. After stumbling into the bathroom and throwing his guts up, he realized something.

I can't remember anything past my third cup of sake.

But he brushed it off as him just being a lightweight. It was his first time drinking, after all. Honestly, he had been tipsy after barely a sip of Vodka.

Then he walked back into his bedroom and found a note sitting on his nightstand addressed to him. In his own handwriting.

That's kind of weird.

He opened it and read it's contents.

Dear not-drunk!me,

I promised to help Izumi build her Reverse-Harem. We're in it. Recruit Shisui and Sasuke. Maybe we can corner Shisui.

Remember, I promised!

Love,

Drunk!you

...what the ****?

And so that's why Itachi had broken into his brother's room. Maybe he knew what was going on.

Except Sasuke wasn't there.

That in and of itself wasn't exactly surprising, considering the clock read that it was around three p.m.

So Itachi went to find his mother.

Who also wasn't home.

So then he approached his father at the Police Station.

Who was too busy to get out anything more than an "I don't know."

And so he decided to approach Sakura.

Except all the doors were locked and the sound of chaos could be heard from even outside of her house.

Yeah, I'm not getting involved in that.

And so he went to the final place he could think of: Naruto's house.

Before he could even knock on the door, it was opened by a frantic Iruka.

...okay then.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I can't find Naruto anywhere!" Iruka said.

"I can't find Sasuke, either," Itachi said.

"Something's wrong!" Iruka said.

"I can tell," Itachi said.

"And the author is using 'said' way too much," Iruka pointed out.

"Not anymore, apparently," Itachi replied.

"Anyway, we have to find them," Iruka vocalized.

"...vocalized?"

"I don't even know."

"I see."

And so they searched the Village.

"Where do you think they are?"

Itachi sighed. "I don't know, Iruka-sensei."

"And don't call me sensei, it makes me feel old."

"...but you're older than me."

"That doesn't mean I'm old!"

"You're twenty-five, right?"

"I'M NOT OLD!"

"I never said you were," Itachi reassured. "I was just asking."

Iruka sniffed. "Yes, I'm twenty-five."

Itachi nodded, making a mental note of that.

"...why did you want to know?"

"Well, Iruka-sensei, it's always nice to know these kinds of things about your comrades."

"I SAID STOP CALLING ME SENSEI!"

It took two hours before they approached a clearing near the banks of the Ha River.

"LET US GO, SENSEI!"

"WE'LL REPORT YOU FOR THIS!"

"Now, Naruto, Ducky, why so mad? You've got to learn this at some point...why not now?"

Itachi and Iruka's eyes met.

That sounds off.

Yeah, let's go make sure nothing's wrong.

And so they carefully made their way over to the voices. They looked through the foliage.

Naruto and Sasuke were both tied to a tree stump. Kakashi was standing in front of them, reading monotonously out of the Shinobi Manual. Then, when he was finished with the page, he would ask them to repeat the page word-for-word. If they didn't...

"STOP DRENCHING US!"

"Maa, calm down, Ducky. How else am I supposed to punish you?"

When they finally correctly did that, he asked them to say the whole manual, from the beginning to where they had left off, word-for-word.

Unsurprisingly, they weren't past the third page.

"...and a Shinobi mustn't ever lose sight of themselves, nor the mission..." Kakashi droned on.

Itachi and Iruka's eyes met once again.

Should we-

We probably should-

What's gotten into-

I don't know-

I'm definitely reporting him-

Before they could do anything else, Kakashi suddenly turned towards them.

"Naruto, Ducky, looks like we've got visitors."

Naruto stopped ranting. "Eh?" He turned to where Itachi and Iruka were hiding. Before his eyes could focus on them, though, they were gone.

Itachi was suddenly next to Kakashi, slashing down with his sword. It was still in its sheath, though, so he probably wasn't aiming to do much more than knock him out.

Kakashi ducked out of the way, flinging a kunai at his attacker.

Itachi dodged, flipping backward, his eyes narrowed.

"Kakashi, are you out of your mind-"

"You interrupted my teaching time!" Kakashi spat, uncovering his Sharingan. "I'll kill you!"

Itachi, his eyes reflexively entering the Sharingan state, watched as Kakashi sped through a few hand seal.

Ox, Rabbit, Monkey...no...

"Raikiri!" Kakashi yelled.

At least I've got a cool new jutsu to work with.

Itachi choked as Kakashi's hand went straight through his chest. Blood fell from his lips.

Only for him to burst into a flock of crows.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed.

Genjutsu.

"Kai!"

Shock ran through him when, as soon as the genjutsu melted, a dozen small fireballs came hurtling towards him.

"Fire Style: Phoenix Flower Jutsu!" Itachi cried.

Gritting his teeth, Kakashi went through a few more hand seals.

Tiger, Hare, Boar, Dog. "Earth Style: Mud Wall!"

A wall of chakra-enhanced dirt rose against him and the balls of fire. It withstood everything except the final one.

Cursing, Kakashi jumped backward onto the Ha River.

Tiger, Snake, Rat, Snake, Tiger. "Water Style: Water Wall!"

Itachi clenched his jaw as his last fireball couldn't pass the wall of water.

Kakashi eye-smiled a patronizing eye-smile.

But then he collapsed. He was on his hands and knees for about a second, trembling, before losing control of his chakra and falling into the Ha River.

Itachi, eyes wide, immediately ran over and jumped in after him. It might have seemed like an odd thing to do, but Kakashi himself had trained Itachi on the whole Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash thing.

Damn you, Kakashi!

After about ten seconds, Itachi re-emerged from the yellowish waters, dragging Kakashi out by his hair.

Once they were on the shore, Kakashi collapsed onto the ground. His hands and the skin surrounding his eyes, the only parts of him that were visible, were covered in large bumps and his skin was an angry red.

Kakashi was flailing, evidently struggling to breathe.

Iruka, who had freed Naruto and Sasuke, came over, took one look at Kakashi, and asked, "What's happening to him?"

"Hives and anaphylaxis," Itachi said, hoisting Kakashi onto his back.

"Severe allergies? What's the allergen?"

"If I'm not mistaken, it's the food coloring in the Ha River."

Iruka nodded.

"Iruka-sensei, take Sasuke and Naruto to my house so they can dry off. I'll take Kakashi to the hospital."

"Be careful, Itachi."

"I will."

Itachi disappeared in a Shunshin, not really caring if it gave Kakashi nausea. The only thing on his mind as of current was getting him to the hospital quickly.

Back in the clearing, the three shinobi stood in silence.

Finally, Naruto said, "So, Iruka-sensei, you and Itachi-"

"Shut up," Iruka and Sasuke snapped in unison.

Naruto laughed sheepishly.


Sakura tapped her foot on the ground. Eleven people were gathered in her office, all of them trembling.

"Hello," she said, her voice sugary sweet, "I hope you all are doing well."

"Yes, Lady Sakura!" everyone said nervously.

Sakura nodded. "Good, good." She paused. "I suppose there's no reason to beat around the bush. It seems that one of you is a mole."

Everyone but one person froze.

Michi Tanaka took a step backward, his eyes wide in fear. "How did you know?!"

Sakura smirked. "A little birdy told me."

Michi fell to his knees. "Lady Sakura, I'm sorry I lied! Please forgive me!"

Sakura's smirk turned into a snarl. "Everyone but the mole, get out."

Everyone, relieved that she hadn't singled them out, immediately followed her order.

Michi winced when the door slammed shut.

"It's time you started talking, mole."


Itachi sat in the waiting room of the hospital, staring intensely at the clock.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...

"Mr. Uchiha," a voice said. Itachi looked up.

"Yes?"

"On behalf of Konoha, I thank you."

"...why?"

"Mr. Hatake is, indeed, allergic to what was dumped in the water. We looked into it, though, and found something else. The water is actually contaminated with a poison that we failed to identify. It's undocumented and nearly unrecognizable. It slowly wears away at your common sense, making you act in ways that you typically wouldn't. We've sent a messenger to the Hokage to shut down all access to the Ha River."

Itachi blinked. "So Kakashi..."

"Was not only severely allergic to the mild poison, but also particularly susceptible to it."

So that's why he was shoving the Manual into to Sasuke and Naruto's faces...and why he threatened to kill me over something like that.

"So...I'm a national hero?"

"It seems you are, Mr. Uchiha."

"Nice."


Meanwhile in a place that looks suspiciously like Hell (probably because it is):

Mizuki sat on the uncomfortable obsidian bench, squashed in between a man with the build of a sumo wrestler and a woman who looked like she was from the Warring Clans Era.

The room was in absolute silence, a mandatory rule set by the demons guarding them.

Finally, a man walked through the far door of the bomb shelter.

"All clear."

The snake-guy who had brought him here let out a sigh of relief. He turned to the many squished humans. "Alright, you get five minutes to relax before we continue our trek to the Land of Nightmares. If I see any funny business...don't think I'll get punished for throwing you into the line of fire."

Many winced at his grin.

"Well, go on, maggots."

He then turned around and continued to talk in a hushed voice with the demon who had announced their safety.

Mizuki stayed seated, but a lot of people stood up and started talking to each other.

God this is boring.

"Hey, broody."

Mizuki's head snapped up. A woman with the same color hair as him and yellow, cat-like eyes stared down at him.

"What?" Mizuki asked crankily.

"Well, aren't you a feisty one."

Mizuki grit his teeth. "What do you want?"

The woman chuckled. "Fine, I won't tell you about the war."

Mizuki's eyes widened. "What war?"

"Didn't old snake eyes over there tell you?" the woman asked. "Well...there's an uprising going on. The rebels from the Land of Pain are trying to overthrow the hierarchy, and we're stuck in the middle of it."

Mizuki scowled. "Wars, huh? Looks like no civilization can escape them."

"You got that right, broody," the woman laughed.

"My name is Mizuki Saito."

The woman paused. Then she grinned. "I'm Yumiko Himura. It's nice to meet you, Mizuki."


A man with a messy white mane walked passively in the forests of the Land of Rice.

"Wonder how long until I reach the Land of Tea..."

The cry of a hawk broke him out of his reverie. He glanced up as it circled over him.

He held out his hand and let the bird land on it. Carefully taking the message off of his leg, he let the bird fly back to its home.

He unfurled the letter.

Your presence is required in Konohagakure no Sato. Return immediately.

Threat Level: S

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Sandaime Hokage

Jiraiya the Sannin sighed. "There has been way too much plot this chapter."

The narrator agreed.

The author didn't really care.

The narrator insisted that the author not be this serious again.

The author reluctantly agreed but refused to go back and change the chapter because she was too lazy.

Jiraiya...was so done with this.

"Well, time to head to Konoha."

- End of Chapter Five -

= End of the River Arc =


kunoichiareboss: Thank you, I try. And you're idea intrigued me, so it would have been a sin not to write it.

TubfullofDishes345: I, too, wept like a little baby. You are not alone. And I've also come across that website. Everything seems seedy when it's in a language you don't know. It's still seedy, though. Anyway, thanks for the compliment! (As for Koko ruling the world...you've given me an idea. I love it when that happens!)

: Me exactly while writing chapter four.

MrBogus: Thank you! "This is a unicorn henged into a pen" might have been the best idea I've ever had if I were being honest with myself.

So that was quite the chapter. Took forever to write but I feel like it was worth it. Anyway, the first arc in this story is done! Next up is the Wave Arc! I just need to figure out how to write it out...and don't worry, I've got plans. BIG plans.

Also, it might take a while because I'm going to be planning out a whole arc. The River Arc was very spur-of-the-moment and not-at-all planned. I hope you all still enjoyed it, though!

Remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review!

Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!