Chapter: Why Can't We Be Friends (When We are Lovers?)
Pairing: Dipper Pines/Pacifica Northwest
Word Count: +2,500 words
Disclaimer: All properties belong to their rightful owners.


(Your Heart And My Heart Are) Very Old Friends

Chapter IX


Pacifica was pretty much screwed.

Actually, come to think of it, she thinks her fate was sealed the moment she knocked on the Mystery Shack door. She didn't even want to be there in the first place, but Dipper insisted that she come by and drop off the journal he left in Lab period that morning.

She knocks harder. "Helloooo? Anybody home?"

On the other side of the door is unmistakable clanking and crashing and breaking.

"Dipper?" She bangs against the doorknob. When it fails to budge, she quickly makes her way to the back door when all of a sudden, the boy in questions comes crashing through the window.

Dipper groans. He looks at her from where he's splayed on his back, upside down. "Hey," he greets breathlessly.

"Hey." She blinks. "Bad time?"

"No, just some uninvited guests."

"Alright. Mind if I join the fun?"

He gives her a small smile. "Sure, but it's not like I need the –" At that moment, Dipper is dragged back inside the window frame by his leg, screaming, "SON OF A –! Not the TV! Come on guys, be cool!"

Amidst all the swearing and smashing, Pacifica picks up some rocks and jumps in through the smashed window.

To say that the inside of the Mystery Shack looks like a hurricane swept by it seems like an understatement to Pacifica. All around them, there are shards of broken glass, broken vases, and smashed holes through the floor. The furniture is up turned and everything from clothes to books to pillows are scattered on the ground.

But what shocks Pacifica the most are the monsters standing the doorway. It's a large, red, muscular creature with two legs, four arms and two more on its head. Four beady yellow eyes and fanged teeth bare at Dipper as he wrestles the TV set from it. The house is filled with six or so of these strange creatures. She doesn't know what they are, but she's pretty sure she didn't like them.

She hurls a rock at the one harassing Dipper. It bends over in agony. Pacifica quickly drags Dipper away from it and together they head towards the underground lab.

She catches her breath just enough to ask, "Friends of yours?"

"Gazorpians," he says like that's supposed to mean something to her. He punches in a pass code for the vending machine, fumbling at the numbers. "They're from another dimension."

She raises her eyebrows but doesn't ask anymore. "Must be Tuesday."

Dipper's about to open his mouth to say something when he's interrupted by a roar.

Another Gazorpian had followed them here. Thinking fast, Pacifica picks up the first thing she can get her hands on – an umbrella – and spears it as hard as she can. The Gazorpian thrashes in pain and reaches for Pacifica. Luckily, she's fast enough to duck out of the way.

Unluckily, it ends up ripping out the keypad of the vending machine, instead. Dipper takes the umbrella from her and whacks the Gazorpian in the jaw, and then hard enough in the head that it collapses.

"Long story, short: don't travel to random dimensions," Dipper finishes.

"Where is everybody anyway?"

"Roadtrip to see a Sev'ral Timez concert." He hands her a switch blade. "Here."

Her eyes widen, "Where'd this come from?"

"Under the floorboard," Dipper says distractedly as he wraps her hands hastily. The noises grow louder above them; definitive sounds of smashing and roaring. He frowns. "Okay, since there's only seven of them left, the plan is to fight our way back upstairs and get outside."

She nods. "And then what?"

He shrugs, "Then we think up the rest of the plan. On three?"

"Dipper, that's a terrible– "

"THREE!"

He swings the door open and comes charging out in a sprint.

"Son of a bitch," she curses under her breath before running for it, too.

She makes it as far as the kitchen before a Gazorpian pounces on her. It pulls her by the hair and lifts her up off the ground. Writhing, she stabs it in the eye, and it drops her. Green slime comes spurting out. Pacifica grabs a plate to shield herself from it, and promptly breaks it on the Gazorpian's head. It falls to the ground.

She's about to pull out her knife from the creature's eye when Dipper warns her from across the room, "Don't! Gazorpian blood might be toxic for humans! Leave it."

"Great," she throws her arms up in exasperation. Already, another Gazorpian is making its way towards her. "What am I supposed to use now?"

"Surprise me," he jokes, dodging a hit and smashing a Gazorpian's head through the table.

"That'll be really funny when I'm dead." With a frustrated sigh, Pacifica fishes her pockets for another rock. She aims it at the approaching Gazorpian but another one suprises her from behind and wraps its arms around her waist. She screams and flings the rock blindly.

"Hey! Watch it!" Dipper shouts.

She jabs her elbow in the monster's nose, but it only grips her tighter, while the other one is holding her legs to stop her from kicking. A straight beam of light blasts through the Gazorpian locking her in its arms. Pacifica jumps to the floor as the other Gazorpian flees. There's a hole straight through the monster's skull.

In a second, Dipper is in front of her, holding out a hand to help her up. She takes it. In his other hand is a blaster pistol that looks like it came straight out of a Star Wars movie.

She whistles. "Sweet gun."

He grins but turns his attention back to the monsters. There's only three left. One of them, the one from earlier, grabs her leg and pulls it out from under her. As he's holding her upside down (geez, she's really sick of everyone holding her up today), she picks up a frying pan off of the table and whacks him with it.

It only makes it angrier, and the monster begins shaking her violently.

She hits it again with the frying pan, but nothing happens. "I could use a little help over here!"

Dipper throws her something. Her heart pounding, Pacifica grips the handle and, pointing it at the Gazorpian, flicks the switch.

"What the—?" A bright beam of light hits the creature, but it only flinches. She jabs the device harder until she realizes – "This is a fucking flashlight! What the hell am I supposed to do with this, tell a ghost story?"

Dipper shrugs from behind the turned over table where he's taking shelter.

She flashes the light straight into the Gazorpian's eyes. Covering its eyes in pain and fumbling backwards recklessly, Pacifica grabs a bottle of whiskey off the shelf and smashes it against the Gazorpian's head. It screams in pain, but not as much as Dipper.

"Grunkle Stan's going to bury me alive." He moans, shooting off another monster. "He's going to bury me alive and dance on my grave."

"And I thought I was the drama queen." She rolls her eyes and throws a butter knife through the creature's throat, making sure to duck behind a table for cover.

Dipper's facing off the last three of the Gazorpians all on his own when his blaster dies. He curses. "Outside. NOW!"

Getting up, Pacifica makes sure to arm herself first. She smashes her elbow against the glass and reaches for the fire extinguisher, trotting up right behind Dipper.

Suddenly, a Gazorpian grabs her by the jacket hard, ripping the fabric.

She gasps. "That's a hundred-dollar Reformation jacket!"

She hits it with the bottom of the fire extinguisher a couple of times before it retreats, limping. In all the flurry, Dipper quickly grabs the keys and drags Pacifica by the hand outside with him.

They run to the golf cart as fast as they can. Dipper floors it before they're even sitting down, but one of the Gazorpians latches onto a tire behind them. The cart swerves madly.

"Drive!" Pacifica orders as she takes a golf club and climbs over to the back. She pounds on the alien's hand with the golf club and it lets go in defeat.

"Pacifica, take the wheel."

She does as Dipper says, grateful for any moment to catch her breath. Beside her, he takes out a taser he fished from his bag and uses it to supercharge the laser gun. Small sparks flicker, lighting up the battery weakly before it dies right back again. Dipper bangs it against the cart in frustration. "We need a plan and we need it now."

The cart stops abruptly. She stomps on the acceleration. Nothing.

"I think we have a new problem."

The pair turn around to see the Gazorpian from before pulling their tire. With a grunt, it lifts the cart off the ground.

"Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

They jump off and roll to the ground on opposite sides. The Gazorpian tosses the cart aside. Quick on his feet, Dipper tazes the monster with the Taser dialed up to maximum voltage, and it writhes in agony. He takes her hand and they run into the forest before they can be followed.

"Got any other brilliant ideas?" she asks, running.

"You're supposed to be fighting expert!"

"And you're supposed to be the – duck!" She grabs his blaster from him and throws it at the Gazorpian trying to follow them.

"Hey!" Dipper protests.

She narrows her eyes, "That was for my coat."

"I'll buy you a new one," he grumbles defensively.

"I doubt it."

Once they're a safe distance away and hidden behind some trees and bushes for cover, Pacifica catches her breath. "This is usually the part where you use that genius brain of yours and get us out of this mess."

"I can't! These things aren't paranormal; they're intergalactic. The only thing I know about them is how to send them home." Dipper snaps.

Pacifica sighs, "Well, at least that's half of a plan."

"More like 31%."

"You undying ray of sunshine, you." She says, clenching her jaw. "Just…tell me what you need."

"I need them all to be in one spot so I can send them through the portal."

"Maybe I could - oh!" A lightbulb goes off in her head. "Mabel!"

He gives her a worried look. "Did you get hit on the head or something? I'm the other Pines twin, remember? Dipper?"

"No, you stupid genius!" She hits his shoulder happily and grabs his bag, searching for something. "Mabel's grappling hook!"

The worry in his eyes becomes confusion.

She explains, "I have an idea, but it's not going to be easy."

"Is it ever?" He grins despite himself.

"I can't hold them for long though. Maybe ten minutes, at most."

He nods. "That's all I need. Good luck!"

"You too," she slings the bag over her shoulder. "Try not to die without me."


Pacifica climbs up a high tree branch. Far below her, she can see Dipper; a small figure amidst three massive alien lifeforms, punching and kicking and running. She takes a deep breath. With the grappling hook positioned in her hand and one eye closed, she aims at one of the Gazorpians, the one from earlier. She could tell by the bruises. His hits are getting sloppier by the minute, obviously tired from chasing them before.

That makes him the easiest to take out.

"Lights out, motherfucker." She releases her finger from the trigger and pierces the hook right through the monster.

"Dipper, NOW!"

Dipper takes out a gun – different from the one had earlier – and a large green portal opens. She swings the monster against all the other monsters, causing them to topple together like a domino. Meanwhile, Dipper uses the golf cart to run them over and push them into the portal.


She's close to collapsing by the time she climbs down the tree. It must show, because Dipper is rushing towards her in an instant. She loses her footing.

"Paz! Hey, hey," he holds her up, sits down beside her.

"I did good? Was that good?" She asks drowsily.

He grins, "That was fucking perfect, I'd say."

She laughs with labored breaths. "I'll be seeing spots for half a year. If I'm lucky."

"You seemed to enjoy that a little too much."

"Just letting out some steam."

"Yeah, well, I think I'm all steamed out now. You?"

He looks at her and she is fast asleep on the grass, hair splayed out like a halo and eyes closed in an angelic expression. He smiles and lies down beside her.

"OH MY GOD, THE MYSTERY SHACK! WHAT THE FU–"

And that is Dipper's cue to pass out.


Hello again, my lovelies! I'm happy to say, summer vacation has been treating me well. I finally found some time to finish this up and polish it for posting, and I have to say, this might have been one of my favorites to write! This was my first time ever writing an action sequence. I hope it didn't show too much.

Anyways, please please please leave your thoughts and comments down in the reviews for me to read. It means a lot to me, getting to interact with my readers. I'd love love love to know what you think of this chapter or any of the others. Kudos to anyone who can tell where I got Gazorpians from! As always, lots of love and see you soon!

(Oh, and I may or may not have taken some inspiration from the Spider-Man: Homecoming Ending hahahaha)

xoxo Amaya