Although Shin was not discountenanced, he felt his organs swell with acerbic flames. "I have no reason to," he countered, but he was met with the pistol being shoved into his hands, and then, brought directly to Lena's chest.
"You also have no reason not to," uttered Lena, whose lackadaisical voice was a glacial spear. "Is the most efficient decision to keep me alive when I let Kaie and the others die?"
Shin could feel the cold sweat from Lena's hands smudging onto his. "You're the reason why Kiriya Nouzen was put to rest, and why no further damage was caused. You're an invaluable tactician."
Lena's pupils were severed by her eyelids as she promptly revoked the pistol and pushed the muzzle to her temple. "Even if I have no intention of dying, I would die to prove my point. Would this be enough to open your eyes, Reaper?" Her hands did not tremble as her index finger tugged on the trigger ever so slightly.
She might just be that crazy, Shin realized. If she died… A pulsating sting constricted his sternum.
"Captain," Shin murmured, eyeing the pistol, "don't. I understand." His pulse continued to flick at his ribs when Lena simply tilted her head.
"What do you understand?"
Silence gripped Shin's throat like a python. I didn't really think about that. I understand that I'm not the person I see myself as? But I don't think that's true.
As Shin stood up from his seat with his hand beginning to outstretch, Lena uttered, "Another move, and I pull the trigger." Frost hissed from her voice.
I guess you really aren't the same person anymore. All this…just to make me admit something I don't want to? I don't agree with it, but I'll say it. What's my reason for saying it?
Suddenly, Lena remarked, "You look pretty conflicted for someone indifferent—"
"I'm not as indifferent as I thought," Shin admitted, forcing out the sentence that previously refused to budge from his throat.
A tingling wave washed from Shin's clavicle to his stomach as Lena returned the gun to her side.
"I won't forget you."
Releasing a long sigh, Lena bowed her head. "I was starting to worry I'd actually have to do it… Would you have done the same for the rest?" She lifted her head again.
Shin nodded slowly. I don't want to be left behind. One day, it's all going to happen, and I won't have a reason to live. I don't want to survive for that. I am happy. I've never been happier, but I don't want to lose these moments. I don't want to see them crushed before me yet again. I'd rather die now than have to watch these days rot, and see all my friends die. If everyone I know were to be wiped out in our mission tomorrow, I'd have rather died today than lived to see tomorrow. I can't predict the future. How many times has history repeated itself?
Although Shin's words clumped together in his throat again, he whispered, "I thought my reason to live would be enough to keep going, but even though I've never been happier…that happiness is what's killing me." He directed his gaze to his hands. "I don't want to watch it shatter in front of me again. I don't want to be left with nothing again. I don't want to lose everything I have again." He squinted his eyes.
"I don't want to die…"
I never planned on telling anyone my thoughts, but if she wants to hear them… His eyes flashed open as a soft, soothing warmth enveloped his hands. Her hands are warm. I'm not used to this feeling. Your kindness hurts, Captain. Why does it hurt? I don't understand. His body began to tremble.
"If you don't want to lose it all…" Lena's words were pale cherry blossoms breaking from the branches of cherry blossom trees. "Shin, you can't take the easy way out. The moment you die is the moment you lose everything that you don't want to lose. You can always search for a reason to live and new things to cling to or protect, but you can't do that when you're dead. I know it's painful… More painful than anything I've ever experienced, but why suffer until the end? Please fight, Shin. For you, me, and everyone you care about…"
Shin hung his head as a pair of black claws ripped into his chest. "I'm not needed," he remarked with charred words. "Why am I wanted? Why do you care about me? I hardly speak. All I do is fight and kill." He shook his head as minute spasms began to gnaw at his bones.
"It's all your fault!"
Anything I do that isn't for someone else feels selfish, and I've caused so much pain for others. Do I put them to rest for their sake? Or do I do it…because I—
Platinum wings embraced Shin as his breaths gasped in his throat, clawing at the back of his tongue. His body was seized by a deluge of slick, silver tendrils, black, velvety fabric, and white, relentless heat. In that cocoon of ardent, unnamed emotions, Shin felt as though a frigid, molten nail was slowly being wedged between his ribs and into his heart.
I can't tell at all what I'm feeling, Shin thought as the shock of the moment paralyzed his feelings. It's so warm. It's so painful. It's so comforting. It's so visceral. Is it good? Is it bad? I don't…know.
"I need you, Shin," a voice like the flames of a summer bonfire reassured Shin. "Do you realize how happy I am to be with you? I smile, laugh, and make the most memorable moments with you. Shin, I came all the way here for you and the others. I didn't come this far…to watch you die on me. I spent so long chasing after you, and finally, I caught up." The person holding Shin fast began to quake as well. "Maybe I really am not cut out for this if the thought of losing you is enough to make me cry."
Capitulating to the crimson grandeur of Lena's embrace, Shin slowly reciprocated the foreign gesture. Why? Why do you care? Why do you care so much? What have I done to be worth so much to you? A choked gasp escaped his lips, and he felt his rapidly-beating heart begin to throb and ache. It hurts so much… Why does something so kind and warm hurt so much? Why do the good moments always hurt the most? All I can think about is how they're going to end, so if it were all over during the peak of those moments…they wouldn't come to an end in my memories. My end would be stuck in that good moment. But that's never how it is, and time after time, I watch every reason I have to live fade away.
Lena exhaled sharply, taking in a shaky breath. "You're wanted and cared about because you're kind and considerate, even if you were to see yourself as an indifferent Reaper. You're always here for us, but you're never there for yourself. You really do treat yourself like you're already dead sometimes, but that's not…living. We know we can rely on you, and surely, you must know how much you mean to us all. Shin, I love…just being with you. I can't explain why it makes me as happy as it does, but I feel happy just thinking about spending time with you." She sniffled and rested her chin on Shin's shoulder.
I can't seem to understand any of this, Shin inwardly huffed while blinking back the pockets of liquid that leaked into the depths of his eyes. I hear her loud and clear, but somehow, it doesn't make any sense. I don't know why I'm on the verge of tears over this, either. I shouldn't be, but I am. Why does it hurt so much to have this undeniable proof that someone cares about me and wants me to live? Knowing I can make her smile and laugh, even if I say nothing, and I just exist… Shin curled his fingers into Lena's uniform, peeling his lips into the vehement torrent of emotion erupting from his being.
"It doesn't matter if you don't speak much, or what you've chosen to do with your life. We've found our own reasons to want and care about you, whether you want to accept those reasons as true or not. I-I know it might be hard for my words to reach you, but…" Lena's glass-colored tears seeped into Shin's uniform like spring dew. "Please keep living, and look for your purpose in life. It's okay if you feel overwhelmed, unsure, conflicted, or whatever you're feeling right now. It's okay for you to think about yourself and your own needs. I know you never talk about your feelings, so I'm honored that you chose to open up to me. Thank you, Shin… You're you, and that's more than enough for me."
"I won't forget you."
"Captain Nouzen?"
"I wasn't treating you as humans."
Unable to swallow back the feelings he could not comprehend, Shin blinked, allowing his tears to naturally fall onto Lena's damp shoulder. No one's ever been this kind to me. The Handler that we called a White Pig… Of all people, she's the one listening to me? She's the one consoling me? She's the one crying over me? I can't…understand it. Attempting to steady his shallow breaths, Shin inhaled slowly. But even though it hurts, I want to have the strength that she does. I'm being left behind again, in a different way. It was then that Shin realized what he'd thought. I want? I want… He parted his lips to speak, but no words exited his mouth. I don't want to say it in this state. But I think I have something I want…
