44. Fearlessness

"Gene, you've always known what I do for a living and I thought you were proud of me. But if you can't accept it after all, maybe we need to reconsider the whole thing."

Gene is at a loss for words. He can't process everything that is happening at once and just looks at his girlfriend for several long moments, his mouth open but no words coming out. He can't believe what she's saying and everything inside him is rebelling - but he isn't quite sure against what exactly. He's angry that someone has laid a hand on the woman he loves but he's also upset because of what she's saying. When he finally finds his voice, even he is surprised at the words that he blurts out.

"This is a fucking joke!"

Olivia nods, her eyes downcast but this is not the response he wants from her. She can't just dismiss him like that and he doesn't get it.

"Say something!" he insists, and that makes Olivia look up at him.

"What is there to say? You're clearly not as okay with my job as you thought you were."

"Not okay with your job?" he sputters, still trying to make sense of the sudden change between them. He can feel Olivia slipping away from him and his brain is short-circuiting. He walks up to her quickly but before he can step into her personal space, Olivia is on her feet. She looks at him defiantly.

"I'm a cop, Gene. I don't know what else to be. If that's not good enough for you, just tell me now and I'll move back to my own place."

She then turns to walk away from him and says over her shoulder,

"I'll be in the shower."

Olivia is on the verge of tears and all but flees into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She had expected Gene to be a little shocked upon seeing her bruises but things have escalated quickly. She leans on the sink, trying to control her breathing but when she looks up and sees herself in the mirror, her reflection is confronting. She looks broken, and the bruise on her cheek isn't helping. Her body is in pain but her heart may be hurting even more. This wasn't part of the plan. Gene is supposed to be her escape from the darker side of life. He can't reject her now. She wanted to come home to her fairytale life and shake off her day and this is not how she had imagined things. He was supposed to take her in his arms and make it all better, not worse.

She shakes her head and walks to the shower but then decides to run a bath instead. She needs some time to calm down before she decides what she will do next. What was she thinking anyway? That she could actually have this perfect life and nothing would ever go wrong again? But he can't ask her to give up her job because her job is a part of her.

She gets in the tub while it is still filling up and lets out a sigh of relief when the warm water begins to lap at her sore ribs. She adds some bath oil to the water and closes her eyes, trying to focus on the delicious smell and the warmth that is beginning to envelop her.

Meanwhile, Gene is pacing in their bedroom, wondering what the hell just happened. Surely Olivia hadn't expected him to just be okay with her coming home beaten up? But that doesn't mean he doesn't want her to be a cop! Or that he suddenly isn't proud of her anymore. Because he is. He's very proud of what she does and of how she puts her heart and soul into her work. He isn't asking her to quit her job at all, so why would she assume that her job will suddenly come between them? He can't wrap his mind around how she has drawn that conclusion, simply because he wouldn't brush off what has happened to her by joining her in the shower. It just doesn't make sense.

Part of him wants to storm into the bathroom and confront her, but a bigger part of him senses that that's only going to make things worse. He is worked up as it is and he knows that deep down, he's scared shitless of losing her and he'll probably say or do something stupid in his current state. He can't lose her now. Not because of some idiot beating her up but most definitely not because of a dumb misunderstanding.

He plops down on the bed again and pulls his phone from his back pocket out of habit, so he won't sit on it. He turns the device over in his hands and then he has an idea. A while ago, Olivia had texted him a couple of phone numbers for emergencies in case he couldn't reach her, and he suddenly knows what to do. He quickly finds the number he needs and dials it.

In the tub, Olivia's mind begins to replay her brief conversation with Gene and now that she is taking some time to think about it, she realizes that he hasn't actually said much. She had been doing most of the talking while he had just seemed … stunned. First because of her bruises, which she had expected to a degree. And then … what happened then? She had tried to distract him because she had really looked forward to spending some quality time with him, and he had refused her.

She swallows hard.

Is that why she's having such a bad reaction to him? Because he's refused her? That can't be it. She feels like he's rejecting her job, not her. Or does she?

He picks up after the second ring.

"Stabler."

"Hi Elliot. It's Gene."

There is a brief pause and Gene can't blame the man. He must be surprised to get a call from his partner's boyfriend at this hour.

"Hey," Elliot finally answers. "Everything alright with Liv?"

"Well, no, actually," Gene replies. "She's black and blue."

"Yeah. A perp hit her with a flower pot," Elliot says and the man sounds way too relaxed about it to his liking. "But she put some ice on it and she said it wasn't too bad. Has it gotten worse?"

Gene sighs and then responds truthfully,

"You know, I have no idea. She's acting like it's no big deal."

"That's Liv for ya," Elliot says with a chuckle. "She'll be fine Gene, don't worry about it."

He sighs again. Clearly, the man is just as dismissive of injuries sustained on the job as Olivia.

"That's what she said, but we kind of got into a fight. I think."

"You think?" Elliot asks and it's Gene's turn to chuckle.

"Yeah. She's in the bathroom now and I don't want to storm in and make things even worse, so I thought I'd ask you for … well, you've known her for a long time. How do I get through to her?"

There is another silence at the other end of the line before Elliot responds.

"Can I ask what you were fighting about?"

"To be honest, I'm not really sure," Gene admits. "She seemed upset that I wasn't brushing off her injuries as insignificant, like she was doing. And then she said that if I wasn't okay with her being a cop after all, maybe we should forget about it.I … I was stunned. I mean, that's not what I said at all!"

Gene hears a soft groan through the telephone line and he actually feels relieved that Olivia's partner seems to recognize her behavior. He had hoped Elliot would.

"Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix this," Gene says.

He knows he sounds desperate and maybe a little pathetic, because he's still angry with Olivia. But it's not because he doesn't want to be with her anymore. It's because he's terrified of losing her but he doesn't know what to say to her without making things worse. Her threat to move out really hurts and she can't go around saying things like that just to shut him up either.

"How long has she been in the bathroom?" Elliot asks.

Gene doesn't understand what that has to do with anything, but he needs some advice right now, so he answers.

"About ten minutes I think."

"Okay. Well, believe it or not, that's a good sign. She hasn't bolted out the door."

"I'm listening," Gene says, looking at the bathroom door to make sure Olivia doesn't slip past him.

"You know, all her life, whenever something went right for her, Olivia has waited for the other shoe to drop. She … she's never considered herself as someone who is worthy to be happy or loved."

"Because of how she was conceived."

"Yeah. Or rather, how her mother handled that. She's heard way too often that she should never have been born. On top of that, her mother drilled into her that nobody can be trusted and that everyone, men in particular, will always let her down."

Gene sighs and closes his eyes. He gets it. Boy, does he ever. He's been the same about women for so long that even he is amazed at how devoted he is to Olivia now. He's put everything on the line and it's absolutely terrifying to feel like it's happening all over again. But this is different from what happened with Barbara. Olivia isn't laughing in his face. She's as scared as he is.

"So what do I do?" Gene asks. "I mean, I can't pretend that her injuries don't affect me."

Elliot agrees with him. Olivia needs space to be herself, but so does Gene. Olivia's partner knows like no other that a solid relationship takes a lot of work, and it needs balance. It can't all be about one of the two people involved all the time.

"Then how do we find balance?" Gene asks.

He's stood up and is pacing at the foot of the bed, still subconsciously watching the bathroom door so Olivia can't sneak out. Is he really that scared of losing her again? Yes. Yes, he actually is.

"Honesty. That's basically it," comes the reply. "But don't just be honest about what you don't like or don't want, like her injuries right now. Be honest about why too."

"I love her and I'm terrified that something will happen to her. I don't want us to fight but I can't just … pretend that it doesn't scare me."

"Exactly," Elliot says. "So make sure she understands that. Especially the love part. She needs to hear that. A lot. Let her know you're not rejecting her. That you just want her to be okay."

Gene nods although Elliot can't see him. It makes sense. They will both need reassurance regularly that the other shoe isn't going to drop. That there will never have to be another shoe. That's what he's been planning to tell her at the party after all.

"I think I understand," Gene tells the other man. "Thanks, Elliot. You're a good friend."

"She's my partner," Elliot says. "It's my job to look out for her."

When Olivia turns off the tap because the bath has filled up, she is surprised to hear Gene talking. It's muffled, but he is definitely talking to someone. She's pretty sure she hasn't heard a phone ring so he must have called someone. An old girlfriend maybe? It's the first thought that jumps into her head. She feels another knot forming in her stomach, just when she had tried to tell herself to just relax and not bolt every time they hit a snag in their relationship. Hasn't she been trying to convince herself that Gene is worth the risk and that she has to stop sabotaging her relationships all the time? Still, part of her is having a hard time believing she will be worth foregoing all others in the long run for Gene. Maybe he's regretting choosing her already …

She hears Gene end his call and she almost holds her breath. What will he do now? She bites her lip when the door of the bathroom opens and looks away when Gene comes in. He doesn't say anything and when she glances in his direction, she sees him watching her for a few moments before moving closer. He stops next to her pile of clothes and then slowly begins taking off his own.

Olivia closes her eyes and drops her head back, then opens them again to look at her boyfriend. His movements are controlled and if she didn't know any better, she'd say he was completely calm again. But she does know better because she knows him. It's in his dark eyes. The uncertainty. Fear even, and it distracts her temporarily from the perfectly sculpted body that is being revealed to her gradually. They're both scared but of what, exactly?

When Gene steps even closer, now gloriously naked, she can't stop herself from checking him out. When she meets his eyes, he chances a smile.

"You think you can make some room for me?" he asks, and she can tell that he's making a real effort to sound calm and unthreatening. And so she nods.

"Where do you want me?" he asks, and the moment the words have left his mouth, his eyes flick back to hers.

Olivia can't suppress a tiny smile despite the tension she is still feeling, and Gene grins at her too when he steps into the tub. Olivia pulls her legs in and he takes that to mean she wants him to sit opposite her. He lowers himself, making the water slosh over the side of the tub and when he extends his legs, Olivia drapes her legs over his thighs, so her feet are on either side of his hips, like his are on either side of hers. He leans back and takes her in for a few moments. Then he asks her,

"How does it feel? The bruises?"

"Actually, I think I shouldn't even be in a warm bath with these," Olivia says, gesturing vaguely at herself. "I just needed some time to relax."

"I get that."

They are both silent then, each wondering what to say. Olivia chews her lower lip, still wondering about that phone call. Gene is here, with her. Naked. He clearly has no plans to go anywhere. Not right now anyway. She finally asks him,

"Who were you talking to just now?"

Gene scratches his cheek and he seems uncomfortable.

"You heard that?" he asks, and again, Olivia can't help wondering if he actually called another woman.

"I … called your partner," Gene confesses then, and Olivia's eyes widen.

"Elliot? Why?"

Gene rubs her calves gently underneath the water and replies,

"I needed some advice. For us."

Olivia swallows hard. Whatever she expected, it's not this. Gene has actually reached out to her partner? She isn't sure if she should be bothered by that, but it's not as if Elliot doesn't know everything about her already anyway, so she can't even see it as a breach of confidence. She feels a bit silly now that she actually wondered if he was calling another woman right away. He isn't thinking of other women, he wants to fix things with her. And he's called Elliot for advice!

"What did he say?" she asks, curious what her partner would say to Gene.

"Do you even know how much I love you?" Gene blurts out, and Olivia blinks a few times. That can't be what Elliot told him.

"Do you?" Gene insists, and she finally focuses on his question.

"I …."

"You don't."

Gene shakes his head and Olivia frowns. Is this supposed to be his way of fixing their argument? But Gene isn't done.

"I love you more than life itself, Olivia. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I'm not about to apologize for being upset that you got hurt. But that doesn't mean I want you to quit your job or leave. I know it's scary to love someone this much but I'm not turning my back on this. On us. I can't. I don't want to live without you. Never again."

Olivia can tell he is near tears and she feels her own throat constrict. She wants to comfort him somehow but she winces when she leans forward to touch his arm. Her sore ribs aren't done with her yet. When Gene notices her discomfort, he has a suggestion.

"Why don't I get up and sit behind you?"

Olivia nods, and after some shifting and a spillage of more water from the tub, Olivia is nestled between her boyfriend's legs. He rests his hands on her thighs and his chin on her shoulder, and Olivia leans back against his chest. She can feel herself relax a bit already, having him close to her again.

"I love you," he whispers in her ear.

"What if I get hurt again?" Olivia asks, her voice small suddenly.

Gene knows what this is. Elliot was so right. Olivia is still waiting for them to fall apart and complete honesty is the only thing that will keep them together.

"I will probably be upset again," he tells her sincerely.

He feels Olivia nod but he's sure she doesn't understand yet what he wants her to know. So he continues,

"And when I'm done being upset, I will pamper you and make sure you know what you will always have to come home to."

She's smiling now, he can actually feel her cheek bulging against his own.

"And you know I can afford it," he adds jokingly, and now she's laughing softly. "Olivia, I'm serious though. We're going to have disagreements and I'm never going to be okay with you getting hurt. But that doesn't mean we're not good for each other or that I'd want to go find somebody else."

Olivia turns her head to look at him and it stings that he can see in her eyes that she's wondered about it. Elliot's words echo in his head and he tells himself again that this is just Olivia waiting for the other shoe to drop. It doesn't mean she doesn't love or trust him. It just means that she's scared.

"I'm scared too Olivia," he says softly and her eyes fill with tears at his words. "But that's no reason to quit, now is it?"

She grimaces a little and he thinks it's because she doesn't want her chin to tremble. Then she whispers one word. One very important word.

"Fearlessness."

He looks at her questioningly and Olivia explains,

"It's something I read once and I never forgot it. It goes something like, fearlessness isn't the absence of fear. It's being afraid but doing it anyway."

Gene kisses her shoulder.

"That sounds like us."

Olivia reaches up and behind her to caress his cheek, and his hands automatically find their way up her torso until he's cupping her breasts.

"I love you so much that it hurts, Gene," she whispers, and when he leans in to kiss her they both exhale as if a heavy burden has been lifted from them. Gene's lips trail down to her neck and Olivia closes her eyes, feeling herself truly relax at last.

"So what did my partner tell you?" she asks.

"Honesty," is Gene's reply. And then he adds, "And love. Lots and lots of love."

He continues kissing her neck while running his thumbs over her nipples and despite her aching body, Olivia can feel herself begin to respond to his touch already.

"Good advice," she mumbles. "I think we are going to have to work on learning the honesty thing but …"

She sighs when Gene sucks on a particularly sensitive spot behind her ear and he finishes her sentence for her.

"We've got the love covered."

Her only response is a content moan and when Gene lowers one hand until it slips between her thighs, Olivia drops her head back against his shoulder.

"This okay?" Gene asks, and she nods. "No problem with the bruises?"

She shakes her head, already holding her breath because she knows what his hands can do to her. She couldn't care less about her sore ribs right now. When Gene's nimble fingers find her clit, she exhales hard.

"Let me take care of you," Gene whispers against her cheek, and the double meaning of his words isn't lost on either of them.

She lets him.

...

A/N: I was really planning to write some smut into this chapter since it's been a while in this story, but my need for these two to get it right emotionally took precedence. Soon though! Meanwhile I hope you enjoyed this development in their relationship.