A/N: Loving the feedback on this fic, thanks, reader peops, and the fact you're all sticking with me through the ridiculously slow burn makes me happy :)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 12

"What is wrong with you?"

"Excuse me?" Rory gasped in response to Lane's very blunt question.

"You heard what I said, Rory, and I think you know exactly why I asked," her friend told her with a look. "Come on, you've been moony and strange ever since Jess went home. You know it's okay if you miss him. That's allowed. Even if it's just a friend thing or a pregnancy support thing."

The way she said it made it sound like she didn't really believe that were true, but Lane was too good of a person to push, Rory knew. At the same time, the two of them had known each other so many years now, for most of their lives, it would be impossible for Lane not to be pretty sure of what was going on in Rory's head.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Rory sighed and shook her head, tears burning in her eyes even then. "Lane, I kissed Jess on New Year's."

"Okay." She nodded in understanding. "Well, everybody kisses on New Year's. It's normal."

"This was not a normal New Year's kiss." Rory sniffled into a wad of tissue from her purse. "This was... this was a real kiss," she emphasised.

"Wow, okay." Lane nodded some more, moving to sit closer by her friend on the couch. "So, you had a real kiss, with Jess. I'm guessing that he didn't react so well?"

"No, he reacted just fine. It was a really, really good kiss. The problem wasn't Jess. The problem was me, pulling away and then, instead of saying something normal like, 'Wow, that was amazing, let's do it again,' I blamed my hormones and acted like it was all some big dumb mistake."

Rory didn't blame Lane for the confused expression on her face. She had spent a week and more being baffled by her own behaviour, so it was hardly surprising to find her friend felt the same way. It didn't make sense, not at all. It made so little sense in fact that Rory hadn't even talked to her mom about it, because she knew the kind of reaction she would get. It wasn't fair to screw with people the way Rory was with Jess. It was wrong to be a tease or a flirt or whatever it was she was being and she knew it. So, why was she doing it?

"So, you wanted to kiss him, and he kissed you back, which means he wanted to kiss you too," Lane recapped. "Then you told him it was a mistake, which is not true. So, I guess that just leaves us with 'why?'"

"Tell me about it." Rory sighed heavily, dabbing at her leaking eyes. "I wish I knew, Lane, I really do. All I can come up with is big, stupid fear. I mean, me and Jess, way back in the beginning, when it was good, it was amazing, but when it was bad..."

"It was awful?"

"Exactly. We're in a good place right now. We're really good friends and we need to stay that way because, hello, baby to think of now. It's not just about me and Jess and what we might feel for each other. We really cannot afford to screw up again."

"But Rory... well, why would you think that you would screw up?" Lane asked in earnest. "I mean, obviously, there are no guarantees. Everybody screws up sometimes and no one can promise they won't, but you and Jess, you've come a long way since the first time you dated. You were seventeen then. You're thirty-two now."

"Yes, and I'm so much more together now, I don't think." Rory rolled her eyes.

It ought to work that way. She really should have grown up and developed into a much more well-adjusted human being than her teenage self could boast, but honestly, most of the time, she found herself floundering more as a so-called grown-up than she ever did as a kid.

Strangely, the opposite seemed to be true of Jess. The troubled kid that couldn't handle his own emotions, never mind anything else, had become such an amazing person as the years passed by. So stable, so solid. At this point, probably more than Rory could ever deserve.

"Rory, you know you have to talk to Jess about all this, don't you?"

That was perhaps the one thing she was dreading hearing Lane say. It was what she knew her mom would tell her too, why she hadn't brought up the topic even once in the past week. Rory just wanted it to be okay without her having to have the tough conversation. Of course, she knew better than to think that was really possible, but if she could just pretend a while longer...

"I know." She sighed in defeat, rubbing at her aching forehead. "I know we need to figure this out, it's just... If I apologise and tell him I lied, then I have to tell the truth, and honestly, I'm not even sure what that is anymore. Do I have feelings for Jess? Yes, I do, but I don't know how to explain them. I don't actually think I've ever known, not since the day we met."

Lane smiled indulgently. "Yes, you do."

She didn't need to say anymore. What she believed about Rory's feelings for Jess was written all over Lane Van Gerbig's face, so clearly it might as well have been in neon. Rory wasn't sure why she was surprised. Lane knew her best of anyone, or at least as well as Lorelai anyway, and that was really saying something.

Of course, when it came to Rory being honest about her feelings for Jess, that was still easier said than done. She knew that she loved him, as a best friend, if nothing else, but if they started to talk about that, if she started to admit that she could want him in her life again as more than a friend, more than the baby's father, she wasn't sure what that meant. She wasn't even sure what his reaction would be.

"After all this time," she said softly, clearing her throat before she went on. "It's been so long, Lane. Even if I did want things to be different, there's nothing to say that Jess wants that."

"Are you kidding me?" Lane shook her head, wide eyed with genuine surprise a Rory's words. "Jess Mariano hated everything about Stars Hollow when he first came here, you know that. Everything except you. Rory, you know how he felt about you then, and honestly, I don't think that's ever really changed. When you guys were here over the holidays, the way he was looking at you... I mean, I can't guarantee it, but if I had to guess..."

"If you had to guess?" Rory prompted, sure she was visibly shaking as she waited on her friend's reply.

"If I had to guess, I think Jess is just as in love with you as he's always been" said Lane at last. "And given the look on your face right now, I really think you should talk to him about it, sooner rather than later."


Jess slammed the mug against the counter top so hard, it almost shattered in his hand. He would like to say he didn't know why he was feeling so frustrated, but he did, and it wasn't the fight with the printers over their latest price hike or the fact that his computer crashed three times already this morning. Those were annoyances, things that would usually bug him but not really make him lose his cool. The underlying problem was much more serious and he just didn't know what to do about it.

"You know, this is the twenty-first century."

Chris' voice from the doorway behind startled him a little, though Jess was pretty sure he was too angry to actually jump at all.

"Guys are allowed to talk about their feelings. In fact, it's encouraged."

"Huh," said Jess, eyes focused on the tea kettle as he put it on to boil. "Who knew?"

He heard Chris sigh, like he was being such a pain in the ass, which Jess supposed was fair, in the circumstances. When his friend suddenly appeared alongside him, a questioning look on his face, Jess knew he may as well give in. After all, who else was he going to spill his guts to? There weren't that many options in his life, and when Rory was the cause of his troubles, there were even less that wouldn't make everything more complicated. Chris was a good guy, knew how to listen, knew how to give half-decent advice. It was probably the best offer Jess was going to get.

"Rory kissed me," he said bluntly. "It was New Year's, but this was no midnight peck. This was... this was real. At least, it seemed like it was real. Two seconds later, she's putting on the terrified virgin look and telling me it was all a huge mistake. Pregnancy hormones or whatever."

"Ouch," said Chris, looking pained, before dropping the biggest bombshell question in the world as if it were nothing at all. "You still love her, don't you?"

Jess hesitated for all of half a second before realising there was zero point in lying.

"Obviously," he said, concentrating on pouring water into his mug now the kettle was done boiling. "Since I was seventeen, that's never changed, but I thought I could get past it, you know? She moved on, I had to move on. We were doing just fine until..."

"Until the night when you made Mini Mariano."

It was tough for Jess not to smirk at the phrasing, however inaccurate. After all, Rory was bound to give the kid her last name and he wasn't sure he wanted to fight her on that. The Gilmores had their faults, like all families, but 'Mariano' didn't exactly have an auspicious heritage. Still, Chris was right, again, and Jess knew there was no point in denying it either.

"I don't know what I'm doing, man. If Rory said she wanted us to be together, either for real or just for the kid, it wouldn't matter, I'd be there. The problem is that she's not saying it. She's acting like that's what she wants sometimes, but then... then she backs off. Anytime we get closer, she starts talking about what great friends we are, makes a joke, blames her hormones, whatever. I just don't know what to do."

He really was at a loss and had been for over a week now. Jess thought about calling, texting, emailing, but he simply did not know what to say. He couldn't really be mad at Rory, not because he loved her, which he absolutely did, but because technically she hadn't done anything so wrong. Maybe she really did just kiss him the way she had because of a hormonal overload. He doubted it, but he couldn't actually say for sure. He didn't want things to be weird between them, especially not just because of his feelings for her, which were nobody's fault, but it was so damn awkward, it was driving him crazy.

"I wish I knew what to tell you, man," said Chris, his hand on Jess' shoulder, "but I guess all I can say is, maybe you guys just need to talk it out."

"You're very into talking lately," said Jess with a look.

"Hey, it works." His friend nodded sagely. "You should really try it some time."

It was a friendly dig at his usually fairly laconic nature and they both knew it, but what Chris said about talking stuff out, Jess knew that was also true. His mind went back to a certain book and tape set that Luke loaned to him, what felt like a million years ago now. That had led to Jess asking Rory to run away with him, which was possibly one of the more stupid moments of his life.

If he had really wanted to, he could've stayed with her then, no matter how hard it seemed. He still wondered if her answer would have been more positive if the question had been different. 'If I stay, will you be with me?' That was what he should have offered. Maybe she still would've shot him down, but he might have stood just a little more chance that way.

"You gonna be okay?" asked Chris then, snapping Jess back to the present in an instant.

He opened his mouth to give some kind of answer, when suddenly somebody else yelled his name. Matthew seemed a little shaken as he appeared in the doorway of the too small kitchen.

"You have a visitor," he said, with some significant kind of a look that Jess couldn't quite make out - the confusion must have shown on his face because his friend duly explained. "It's Rory."

To Be Continued...