Tales of the Falls

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...responses...

RasenganFin: Eh, maybe next chapter?

The Howling Behemoth: I have no idea, I don't really have much of a plan beyond this first chapter

NyaNyaKittyFace: Thanks

...

YOU NAMED THAT SAVAGE YOUR HEIR!?

HE'S NOT EVEN A PONY!

YOU TURNED DOWN MY SON TO ALLOW THAT 'THING' ON THE THRONE!?

WHY NOT JUST THROW OUR COUNTRY TO THE DIAMOND DOGS WHILE WERE AT IT!?

Celestia groaned as the nobles continued to scream. Naturally, even after the 'rain' had ended ponies were still in panic. Cleanup was in progress...but it would take months...there was just so much blood...EVERYWHERE...

But that was a concern for later...right now, she'd adopted a strange 'alien'. No, not just adopted, thanks to her mystically binding oath...this child was now her HEIR, the next in line for the throne...

Right, she'd had enough of this, she had a child to look after now after all! Why, she hadn't even named him yet!

ENOUGH!

Her scream shook the entire courtroom, silencing everyone.

She glared at all of them; "First of all...I did what I had to do to stop yet ANOTHER infantcide- Unless you rather I have just allowed the child to die!?" She glared at everyone, daring them to say 'yes'...none did.

"SECOND, who my heir is is hardly relative considering I'm immortal...unless someone here is suggesting something be done about that as well!?" She accused darkly...again, the now cowed nobles said nothing...

Celestia nodded, "Good, in that case if you'll excuse me...I now have a son who needs to be attending to." She teleports away before she could be stopped.

...

She goes right to the royal physician, they inform her that far as they can tell...he seems healthy.

"Of course, that's mostly guess work. This is a completely new species, I've already talked with other physicians and were going to have to do extensive research on this."

Celestia agreed to this, she then takes up the child into her arms. He was such a scrawny, tiny thing. She knew not what to do with him, or how his future will play out- there was no way in Tarterus she was going to allow what that monster wrote to happen -But she was going to do everything in her power to love and protect this child...

Again, she saw the birthmark on his head, "The big Dipper...Dipper...how about I call you that?What do you think little one?" She took his giggling as a yes.

...She'd never had a child of her own before- out of fear that it would be mortal and she'd outlive it -but she was the ruler of an entire realm, one who'd established a peaceful reign...how hard could it be to raise a child?

...

...how she would curse tempting fate like that...

For the first five months it was -more or less- a simple matter of taking care of a baby...then he learned to walk...and Celestia realized the TRUE flipside of being a parent...watching their child become a spawn of Tarterus itself!

No sooner had he taken his first steps...then he'd figured out how to undo the lock in his crib...

"HOW'D HE GET ON THE ROOF!?"

First Celestia tried to simply replace the basic wooden bolt with an iron bolt, it worked...for a week before Dipper figured out how to unscrew them-

"DIPPER! NO! THAT GUILLOTINE IS NOT A TOY!"

Then she used a lock...an honest to goodness numerical lock...and it worked...Dipper was never able to find out a way to unlock it...

"HOW'D HE GET INTO THE MANTICORE POISON!? WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THIS!?"

...so instead he just figured out how to unscrew the nuts keeping the crib together...causing it to fall apart...

Celestia just stared with her mouth gaping open at the soot covered guards she'd assigned to watch over Dipper. "How- "We want hazard pay...triple the usual amount...or we quit!" Interrupted the guard annoyed...

Celestia simply facehoofed herself...

...

Indeed, unconfined from his crib, he got into EVERYTHING. He'd collect/steal anything 'interesting' that wasn't nailed down, eat anything that looked 'neat', and explore every nook, cranny, and crawlspace...

Celestia tried to be firm with him, but it was hard...Dipper was unlike most foals she'd read up on, save for the most extreme cases pony foals were for the most part well behaved, fairly clever, weren't very curious and obedient to their parents- if easily panicked at the drop of a hat(it went hand-in-hand with the naturally 'herd' instinct that all ponies shared).

And although Dipper was clever- WAY more clever then most foals his age -he seemed to have a curious, disobedient streak a mile long!

..it left Celestia with little idea on how to handle him...which of course lead to...

"Now Dipper, you must behave yourself! Otherwise...Nightmare moon will swoop down and eat you!" She hated doing this- as it brought on bad memories, plus only encouraged the demonization of her beloved sister...but she was at her wits end!

...Fortunately...it seemed to work! Dipper began to reign in his quirky impulsive tendencies...and although he still dismantled his crib...it was only occasionally, as opposed to multiple times a day...

It worked so well, that Celestia continued at it...she started to Add Discord as a cautionary tale! And again, it seemed to work. Celestia didn't question it...her blood pressure was finally low again...that was all that mattered...

...looking back she should have known better...

Celestia was astounded when At only one year old he began to speak his first words...much to her confusion, instead of the usual 'moma', 'cat', 'dog', etc. that most foals began to say...he instead asked, 'Nightmare moon?' and 'Discord'?

...several months later, after much effort he'd begin to string more words together...and started expanding to 'Who Nightmare Moon?', 'Who Discord?' and 'Tell me.'

Again, weird behavior for a child that age- from a pony perspective -most foals -well most pony's of all ages really -would be content with as little knowledge as possible on such unpleasant subjects and focus on having a happy day...but not Dipper apparently!

Baffled by this very un-pony-like behavior...the guards, servants, and Celestia found themselves answering most of his questions out of simple bewilderment of why he'd want to know such things...

...At age two...

Celestia hummed a happy tune as she walked through the royal garden, her son was progressing quickly, she'd been a bit worried about her decision to get him started on learning to read when he first showed interest at such a young age...but apparently no one told Dipper that most foals his age found books 'boring'. Celestia giggled, despite the bit of a rough start...she was growing very found of her adopted child. Say what you will about him he kept things...'interesting'.

Why there he was now, standing in the middle of the garden, tall, proud, unclothed...next to the statue of discord?

Celestia frowned, Why would he-

Then Dipper ran away from the statue...a statue that Celestia now saw was covered with something-

BOOM!

Celestia's eye twitched and mouth gaped in horror as the statue of Discord exploded, "MY LITTLE PONIES! RUN! DISCORD IS FREE! HE-

"OH SWEET MERCY! OH FAUST! I COULDN'T BE IN MORE PAIN! GAH! GAH! GAH! WHY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

All of Canterlot and the surrounding cities fell to their knees and clutched their heads as Discord continued to scream into their minds in agony...

...

Turns out Dipper- once told about Discord and Nightmare Moon coming to get him, took a more...'proactive' approach. Again, this shocked everyone with his so very different mindset. Ponies didn't think like that! They loved to avoid thought's of conflicts and strife, much preferring to live their lives in happy bliss. True if a conflict arose they'd try to fight against it...but to strike BEFORE said evil did, to actively prepare and plan for it? For the most part this was completely unheard of!

Even Celestia was floored by this! True, she had plans in place for said evils return...but nothing quite so...AGGRESSIVE! She'd never have thought to blow it up, not only because the risk of setting him free...but also due to the peaceful, herbivore nature that most ponies have that makes them exceedingly reluctant to take another life.

She was also surprised by Dipper's creation, at first she merely thought that Dipper had somehow acquired magically created fireworks...but instead he'd just made his own! After much experimentation he'd apparently learned of a recipe for a potent explosive composed of potassium nitrate (75% by weight), charcoal (15% by weight), and sulfur (10% by weight)...it was an amazing...and also kinda terrifying how easily weapons of destruction came to Dipper...

In any case...Discord was shattered to a thousand pieces...he was still trapped, but forced to endure the feeling of being shattered yet never dying...forever.

...His screams of agony were horrifying and ironically his innate chaos magic made it impossible to put the pieces back together in any conventional way...

...So with a heavy heart Celestia was forced to scatter the pieces so far apart from each other that Discords mind bbecomes too fractured and weak for his screams of agony to torment pony-kind.

Celestia was originally going to put each piece in a separate castle filled with traps and such...but Dipper had the clever idea of simply randomly scattering the pieces all over the world...thus making it impossible for them to be reassembled, since all those small pieces just looked like ordinary rocks...

Celestia complimented his...'unique' ingenuity...however, in concern to his plan to 'deal' with Nightmare Moon-

"NO! I'm not sending you to the moon to blow her up!" "Awwwww, but mom- "NO, buts mister!"

...

As time went on Celestia began to see how much more clever Dipper was becoming, turns out he'd been hiding secret caches of supplies throughout the castle...he'd even gone as far to allow himself to be caught stealing a couple times just to make he guards complacent and allow him to steal more while their guard was down...

...Still...despite this, after the Discord fiasco Dipper calmed down...and several years of peace followed...until...

...age five...

"So your daughter got her cutie mark?" Asked a maid excited, the other maid nodded. "YES! I'm so proud of her! Were having her Cutescenera this weekend!"

"What's a cutie mark?" Both maids looked down at the suddenly appearing unclothed 'prince'.

They told him how a cutie mark is the mark of a 'true' pony, as well as an indicator of their 'destiny'.

"Wow...when do i get mine?" Asked Dipper excited.

The now very nervous maids...being under strict orders -like the rest of the household -by the Princess to allow her to...'ease' Dipper into the idea that he wasn't a pony...simply advised he 'explore various interests until he found one that felt 'right'.'

...They would rue that advise...

...Thanotology Cutie mark...

"Why is their roadkill in your room!?"

...Demonology Cutie Mark...

"DIPPER! BRING BACK CERBERUS! WE NEED HIM TO GUARD THE GATES OF TARTERUS!" Shouted an exhausted Celestia as she chased Dipper ridding said giant three-headed dog through Canterlot...

...pyrologist Cutie Mark...

"HOW DID HE SET THE POOL ON FIRE!?"

...eschatology Cutie mark...

"Dipper, stop giving ponies Existential crisis! -A sentence I never thought I'd ever use..."

...Virology Cutie Mark...

"Why Dipper, why!?"

...Astrology Cutie mark...

"WHY IS THE OBSERVATORY FILLED WITH TREE SAP!?"

...Necromancy Cutie mark...

"DIPPER! I SAID NO MORE ROADKILL IN YOUR ROOM!

...

Celestia sighed...she kept Dipper locked up all day...she didn't want to panic ponies with his appearance...or break poor Dipper's heart with the revelation that he's not a pony...worse, he wasn't meeting anyone his age! How was he to experience the wonders of friendship?

Celestia briefly thought of the two human girls that also survived the 'baby rain'...but immediately dismissed them, if the monsters letter was right...well...best not to take chances.

...come to think of it...the time was drawing near for her to find the 'chosen one' for her apprentice to bring her sister back to her...perhaps she could kill two birds with one stone?

...

Dipper read over one of the few books that Canterlot had on Zebra magic...if his hunch was right...

Then he noticed his mom enter the room...with someone else?

"Dipper...I'd like you to meet Sunset Shimmer, she'll be my new apprentice and I hope you treat her nicely.

Dipper, although feeling awkward being around a filly his age for the first time tried to do as his mom asked and smiled and raised a hand for her to shake.

"H-hello Sunset! I...I hope we'll be friends!" He said nervously.

The little yellow filly just stared at the hairless naked ape for a second... "Your dick is tiny." She pointed out.

Celestia face hoofed...

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Publish a chapter of my 'Shake up the Falls' Challenge before anyone else and I'll update the next chapter this plus two other stories!

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