Chapter 12: Thursday, November 22, 1979
"Depression is anger slowed down; panic is grief sped up."
-Ann-Marie MacDonald
Hermione paced her small cottage, walking room from room, as she tried to burn up some of the nervous energy coursing through her. She had yet to be part of one of the weekly Order meetings and Dumbledore had requested she begin to join them. She felt like it was a bad idea. She knew she needed to get the information from the meetings, that eventually, the meetings would become her lifeline. But her mind was reeling with possibilities. Hundreds of things that could go wrong by her attending the meetings, thousands of things she could slip up and say.
A knock on the front door brought her from her thoughts and she shook her arms out, trying to calm herself before answering the door.
She was greeted by Lily's kind smile, "Are you ready?"
Hermione nodded, slipping her wand into the pocket of her cloak and pulling her hat and gloves off the hook. She slipped the hat over her head and began pulling her gloves on, "As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."
"Don't be nervous. I know everyone seemed less than welcoming when you arrived, but it was the middle of the night. Once they see how brilliant you are, they'll be glad you interrupted their halloween."
"You sound awfully sure about that, Lily," she said.
"Just because it's taking Sirius some time to come around, doesn't mean everyone else will be like that. Don't worry. They'll love you."
When they arrived at the cottage at Meadow's Meadow, James, Sirius, and Remus were already present. The men sat around the table, two empty chairs between James and Remus. Sirius sat on the other side of James with his feet kicked up on the table, his chair leaning back on its back two legs. Lily took her seat next to James and Hermione between Lily and Remus. Hermione offered a few polite hellos and shy smiles to the people sitting at the table.
The table had been enlarged from the last time she was at Dorcas Meadow's cottage, and there were still several open seats waiting to be filled.
"Sirius, get your feet off the table. You know if Molly comes in here and sees you, she's going to have a conniption!" Lily said, reaching over James to shove at Sirius' boots.
Sirius huffed and rolled his eyes, returning his chairs to all four legs and his feet to the ground. He opened his mouth to say something and was interrupted promptly by the sounds of giggles coming from the kitchen.
"Bill, give Percy back his book! Charlie, leave George alone!"
"Mum I think that's Fred," came a tiny voice.
"Fred then! Leave him alone!"
Hermione's eyes went wide as the realization crashed over her and she once again recognized how little she had prepared for this mission. Of course the Weasleys would be present! How could she not have thought of that?! How could she forget that Molly and Arthur were members of The Order the first time around?!
Hermione sucked in a deep, shaking breath- exhaling slowly and closing her eyes as she tried to get her shock under control. When she opened her eyes, she noticed Sirius leaned forward on the table, his gaze on her with narrowed, questioning eyes.
Idiot! Get yourself together, Hermione!
"REMUS!" A squeal of delight sounded through the dining room as a small boy with fiery red hair and a stuffed dragon in his hand ran straight to Remus, a large smile on his face. "Remus! Did you bring biscuits today?!"
Remus chuckled, shifting in his seat as the small boy tried to climb onto his lap. The boy handed Remus his dragon as he gripped his knees, trying to pull himself up onto Remus' frame.
"Charlie! Leave Remus alone, he doesn't like to be climbed on!"
Hermione looked up from the boy, Charlie, to see a much younger Arthur Weasley standing in the doorway, a small toddler who looked to be about two years old on his hip.
"But dad, Remus always brings me biscuits!" Charlie reasoned.
"Remus brings everyone biscuits, not just for you. And if you don't mind your mother, you won't be allowed to have any!" Arthur said.
Charlie stuck his bottom lip out, turning to look at Remus with sad, brown eyes. "Remus, can I have a biscuit please?"
"They're in the kitchen with your mum, but knowing you, you already knew that." Remus said, a smile on his lips as he spoke to Charlie.
"Mum said after dinner," Charlie admitted, looking defeated. "Are they the chocolate ones that I like?"
"Mate, they're always the chocolate ones," James said from the other side of Lily.
"Oh, I like the chocolate ones!" Charlie said.
Remus handed the small boy his dragon, ruffling his hair, "I know you do, that's why I make them!"
Hermione's eyes stayed on Arthur as he took his seat on the other side of Remus, the toddler chewing happily on his fist and babbling away to anyone who would listen, squealing high pitched laughs of delight as Charlie made the stuffed Dragon kiss his cheeks.
"Does Molly need help in the kitchen?" Lily asked, "Hermione and I could help her!"
"No offense meant, Lily dear, but I'm fairly certain if you step foot in that kitchen right now Molly will hex you."
James roared with laughter and ducked as Lily moved to slap the back of her hand against his head. "Shut up!" she said.
"And did you say Hermione? Who is Hermione?" Arthur asked.
Hermione leaned forward in her seat, "Hello, sir."
"Are you the new member I've heard about? We weren't able to make it the night you arrived, with the children you see…" Arthur gave an apologetic smile as he trailed off.
"Yes sir, pleased to meet you. I'm Hermione Granger," she said, reaching around Remus to extend her hand.
Arthur held a hand up to stop her, smiling brightly, "I would, but unless you enjoy the feel of baby slobber on your skin, it's not going to be a pleasant handshake."
Hermione chuckled, "I appreciate the warning."
"Freddie here is teething, getting his back molars in. Could fill a bucket with the drool that comes out of him…"
Hermione tried to hide the grimace with a polite smile, her nose still managing to wrinkle up a bit.
"Daddy, that's Georgie, not Freddie!" Another small voice came from the other side of the table. A set of ginger curls visible over the top.
"Thank you, Percy." Arthur said, "Where's your brothers?"
"Mummy has Freddie. Bill is with Uncle Fabian in the garden," he answered. "Daddy, can I go into the bedroom and read my book?"
"He's reading already? Arthur, he's what? Three?" Lily asked, her eyes wide.
"And a half, yeah," Arthur said. "Taught himself, I think. I didn't teach him. I think he got tired of Bill and Charlie teasing him and found something else to do."
"I don't tease Percy!" Charlie said, "Bill does!"
"Yes all right," Arthur said. "Why don't you take Percy in the bedroom and play?"
"Okay, dad," Charlie said, tickling George's belly and smiling at his baby brother before climbing off his father's lap and grabbing Percy's hand, dragging him from the room.
"Gonna have yourself a full Quidditch team soon, mate." Sirius said, laughing at the expression on Arthur's face.
"Hopefully this one will be a girl. Merlin knows Molly is already grossly outnumbered-
"This one?" Lily asked, "Molly's pregnant?"
"Again, yeah," Arthur laughed.
"My God, man! Isn't five enough?" Sirius said, barely able to contain his laughter.
"Tell that to my wife! She won't keep her hands off me, it's hardly my fault!" Arthur defended, smiling the entire time.
"Wow, six kids. Merlin!" James said.
"Maybe you and Lily should work for a couple tykes of your own!" Arthur suggested.
Lily blanched, shaking her head. "Oh, don't give him ideas! He'd have me raise a small army if I'd let him!"
Hermione listened as they continued to talk about their families. Her mind began to wander, her leg bouncing under the table restlessly. Molly was pregnant with Ron. Ron! One of her very best friends! The boy she grew up with, the boy she had pined after as a young teenager at Hogwarts. The boy she had her first real relationship with, not including the fleeting moments she had with Viktor Krum in fourth year. Ron had been her first love.. Someone who knew all of her secrets, hopes, and dreams and right now his mother was pregnant with him!
She felt nauseous, her chest tight. Her list of ever growing, absolute blunders of this mission weighing heavy in her mind. There were so many things she hadn't thought about. So many things she never once took into account, things that would leave her feeling confused and panicked. She mentally berated herself, cursing how stupid she was to come back here. To join the original Order and try to find answers to something that hadn't even been brought up.
At this point in time, it seemed as if the war was at a stalemate. There had been no attacks or movement from the Death Eaters, as far as she was aware. Things were copacetic, pleasant, almost. And as much as she enjoyed getting to know Lily and James and looked forward to telling Harry about them, it wasn't enough to justify her plan to come here.
In seven days, she would need to perform the small ritual with the amulet to keep herself in 1979, and she was wondering if she shouldn't let it go. Return to her own time and try to work out the counter curse or potion or whatever the hell she needed to do, on her own. At least in her own time she had Draco and Harry. She had Ron and Ginny and all of her other friends. She could confide in them and have them help her as she tried to figure out-
"Are you okay?" Remus whispered, the feel of his lips next to her ear sending shivers down her spine as his breath washed over her face. His hand rested on her knee for a moment, stilling her bouncing leg.
She stiffly nodded, closing her eyes for a moment, "I'm fine."
"As someone who is generally nervous around, well, everyone… You don't seem fine."
Hermione chuckled, lightly covering Remus' hand with her own, "I'm okay. First meeting nerves, I suppose."
Remus offered her a small smile before withdrawing his hand from her knee and shifting in his seat again.
As time ticked on, several new faces made their way into the cottage, taking a seat at the ever-enlarging table. Lily leaned over, saying their names into Hermione's ear as each person took their seat.
Fabian and Gideon Prewett, identical twins who looked so much like Fred And George it was eerie. Benjy Fenwick, a middle aged Auror with dark hair and thick lensed glasses. Marlene McKinnon, the pretty blonde she had seen the night she arrived who seemed to have a permanently sour look on her face that reminded her of the sneer that a much younger Draco Malfoy always wore. Mad Eye- Alastor was present, but now with a patch over his right eye and a severe looking cut that ran through his face, forehead to chin. Dorcas Meadows, owner of the home, a small, older witch with dark, olive-toned skin and salt and pepper hair pulled into a tight chignon. Edgar and Sarah Bones, a younger couple who both looked exhausted.
Name after name, person after person, Hermione watched as the room filled up. Once every seat had been taken, the last one by Dumbledore at the head of the table, Molly Weasley entered the room,crowded by small children as she levitated delectable smelling dishes onto the table. Hermione's stomach growled at the scent and she sighed taking her first bite of roast beef, realizing just how much she had missed the comforting meals the Weasley matriarch put together.
Once the group ate, Molly and Dorcas took the children into the other room to set them up to play and add wards to alarm should they find themselves in need of an adult. The twin toddlers were sleeping in their pram, as Charlie and Percy played together on the floor with a set of blocks that were charmed to change colour. Bill promised profusely to not cause any mischief during the meeting and agreed to sound the wards straight away if his parents were needed, taking pride in being the one "in charge" while his parents were in the other room.
Remus excused himself from the table momentarily, returning quickly with a plate of chocolate chip biscuits to set on the center of the table. Before sitting back down, he stole a few of the biscuits off the tray and took them to the boys in the other room.
"You like children?" Hermione asked when Remus sat back down, grabbing a biscuit for herself.
Remus nodded, biting into a biscuit of his own, "Kids have the capacity to learn so much. A little kindness goes a long way with them, and the Weasley boys are a good crop."
Hermione smiled, nodding in agreement. "Yes, it would certainly seem that way."
Once everyone had settled back in, Dumbledore began speaking. Hermione wasn't even sure when he had come in, but she didn't think too hard on it. Instead, she listened intently as he told them of an attack that had happened in the last week, leaving Frank Longbottom and Dedalus Diggle in St. Mungo's to recover. Alastor gave details of the attack, explaining how he had lost his eye during it. Hermione felt her stomach churn, suddenly regretting the meal she had just devoured.
She listened with rapt attention as they began discussing details of current missions being carried out. A few members were on long assignments, recruiting international help. Others were spending time surveying areas, keeping a watch over Ministry employees, or protecting Muggleborns that were well respected in the community.
"...and of course we've got many sightings of these new creatures!" Alastor said, his fist coming down hard on the table. "They're sucking the lives out of everyone they come in contact with and muggleborns and halfbreeds-
"Alastor!" Molly scolded, her eyes raking over Remus before glaring at Moody.
"Sorry, wizards and witches that are classified as beasts or beings as well." Alastor amended, "Whatever you want to call them, they're being attacked left and right! Dumbledore, we need to get a team together to observe the creatures and-
"What are these creatures?" Lily asked, "What do they look like?"
"Large, cloaked. No one can get a good look at the faces of them without dying or worse."
"Worse than dying?" Sirius asked.
Alastor grumbled, huffing as he nodded. "There are things out there that are worse than death, boy! Yes! And losing your soul seems to be one of them!"
Hermione felt all of the color drain from her face, her blood running cold as Alastor described the creatures. The group bounced around ideas, trying to figure out where the things had come from and before she could stop herself from breathing the word, "Dementors…" slipped through her lips on the end of a terrified breath.
"Pardon?" Arthur said, leaning forward to look at Hermione. "Did you say something?"
"Dementor," Sirius said, leaning forward as well, his jaw clenched tight. "You said Dementor. What does that mean?"
Hermione shifted, crossing her legs at the knee and bringing her hands to her lap. She began twisting her fingers in the hem of her jumper, anything to steady her breath. "That's what they're called," she said, taking a sharp breath as her wrist burned.
It was a warning. The Unbreakable Vow was reminding her of the promise she had made, and she was teetering the edge of breaking it by divulging information they didn't have yet. She felt her mouth run dry and bile creep up her throat, burning her mouth with nervous sick. She blew out another shaking breath.
"Why do you know what they're called?" Alastor and Sirius asked her the question in unison.
"I heard the word when my parents… When my parents were killed. They were talking about the creatures," she reached for the first believable lie she could think of.
When she looked up from the hem of her jumper, she could feel Remus' eyes burning into the side of her face. When she met them, they were almost purely gold, with just a few flecks of green. After a moment, he shook his head and they faded back to the familiar evergreen, full of sad inquiry.
"Did you hear anything else?" Alastor barked, ripping her attention from Remus. "What they're using them for?"
Hermione shook her head, "No, sir. Not that I can recall."
"We can take her memories," Sirius said.
"Sirius!" Lily said, her tone incredulous.
"What?" he asked, "If she can't remember what was said, we can take her memories and go through them-
"And make her relive the death of her parents!" Lily cried, "Absolutely not! Have you gone around the bend?!"
"I'm just saying-
"Lily is right, mate. We can't ask her to do that," James said. "At least we know what to call them now, at any rate. Do you remember anything else about them, Hermione? Anything you can tell us?"
Hermione had never been so thankful for James in that moment, she sighed. "No, I'm sorry."
"It could have something to do with the bombings?" Edgar suggested, "Those potion bombs we got hit with a few months ago, the one that killed Caroline and Michael Goldstein."
Goldstein. Hermione closed her eyes again, swallowing hard at the surname of the Ravenclaw she had known at Hogwarts, Anthony, who had been persuaded to join Dolohov's ranks with the Death Eaters and was the one who had cast the curse that killed Dennis Creevy during an attack in 1999.
It was too much, it was all just too much. She had only an hour ago been worried about the lack of information she had received in the three weeks she had been in this time. And now, she wished more than anything she hadn't been given any information. Hermione felt sick to her stomach, the roast beef and potatoes threatened to come back up as she tried to calm herself down. Gideon Prewett asked what had happened to the infant son that Caroline and Michael Goldstein had, and Hermione felt herself rising from her chair, mumbling a quiet "excuse me" and nearly sprinting from the room. She opened the front door of the cottage and stepped out onto the small, covered porch.
The cold November air cut into her, immediately sending a deep shiver up her spine. Hermione took several deep, heaving breaths as she worked to get her reeling mind under control. She sat on the front step, her elbows on her knees and head in her hands. This was it, this was the information she had come here looking for and yet sitting in the room with them, knowing what would happen to the children of these people, she couldn't stomach it!
All she could see was Fred, sweet baby Fred slobbering from his mother's hip as he laughed at his brothers; his eyes cold and empty as he stared up, unmoving from a pile of rubble. Anthony, whose parents had fought for the side of Light, had died fighting for them, casting killing curses on behalf of a blood purist ideal. Percy, brilliant and calculated Percy, lying in a field, screaming in agony as she snapped his bones back into place with her bare hands. Bill's marred face as he laid in a hospital bed. George- and the light that left his eyes in 1998, never fully returning.
Ron, the brilliant strategist who had sacrificed himself on a giant chess board at the age of eleven so that she and Harry could push forward. Ron, panting in anger as he screamed about his family's safety in their tent, half starved and mad from wearing the horcrux all day. Ron, with his arms around her, holding her upright as her screams tore through her throat after another nightmare plagued her.
And Harry... Oh God, Harry.
Harry, who looked so much like James, crying on her shoulder as they shared a tent at the age of seventeen. Harry, who's eyes were the exact shade of emerald as Lily's, sacrificing himself over and over for people he cared about and for people he had never met. Harry who had fire that burned within him as bright as Sirius', broken and defeated as he mourned the loss of so many. Harry, who was sweet and thoughtful as Remus, fighting off death in a hospital bed in St. Mungo's.
Harry, who would be damned to spending his entire childhood locked in the cupboard under the stairs of his aunt and uncle's house, who would willingly walk to his death alone, who would continue to martyr himself for years following because it was all he's ever known.
She felt the warmth of Remus next to her before she pulled her head from her hands to look at him. It enveloped her, his outer thigh lightly brushing hers as he sat, warming her skin through her denims. He settled his palm on her back in the space between her shoulders, not speaking, not offering words of comfort. He simply sat with her.
The comfort shocked her. Remus was clearly uncomfortable around her, and certainly didn't like to be touched or to touch anyone else. She could feel awkwardness practically spilling off of him as he seemed to try to find something to say, opening and closing his mouth and making noncommittal sounds every few seconds. Finally, he pulled his hand from her back and dug into the pocket of his worn, burgundy cardigan. He pulled out a small chocolate bar that was wrapped with a mint green and lavender paper that read Honeyduke's Finest Chocolate.
Remus handed the chocolate to her, "Here."
Hermione's hand hovered above the chocolate, her opposite hand coming up to swipe the wet trails from her cheeks and she sniffled, "I don't want your chocolate, Remus."
"Oh," he said, creasing his forehead in thought. "Sorry. Pocket chocolate probably isn't the-
"Pocket chocolate?" she sniffled.
Remus nodded, "That's what Sirius calls it, because it's in my pocket."
"I gathered that," she said, a watery smile on her face. "I'm wondering more why you keep chocolate in your pocket. Doesn't it melt?"
"I put a permanent cooling charm in my pocket, I learned that the hard way. And I keep chocolate because sometimes it's nice to have a bit of chocolate on hand when you need it. And right now… It, erm- it would seem you need it more than I do."
Remus pressed the chocolate bar into her hand and gave a shy smile before standing up and going back into the house. Hermione stared down at the mint and lavender wrapped bar in her hand and her chest tightened again with something that was tugging heavy on her heart, eating at the back of her mind. A feeling she couldn't quite put her finger on.
.
.
a/n: All my love forever goes to Mayghaen17 with her help in developing this story!
Thank you to everyone who reads and a very excited jumping up and down thank you to everyone who reviews! I can't easily respond here on ffn, but please know that I love seeing what you guys have to say about each chapter! so thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
As always, I update Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday! And please feel free to come check out my FB group: Mimifreed Writing
xo
