Chapter 13: Friday, November 30, 1979
"It has been said that 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
-Rose Kennedy
The next Order meeting had been much easier on Hermione's psyche. There were no attacks from Dementors or mentions of past peers of hers. The Weasley's had stayed at their home due to a flu that Bill and Charlie both had, which offered her a little peace in the mentally-preparing-herself-to-encounter-younger-versions-of-her-friends department.
It had been calm, for an Order meeting, something Hermione greatly appreciated. The only thing that had left her feeling uneasy was Sirius. He had sat across from her this time, his eyes watched her the entire meeting and she regretted not wearing a heavier jumper, something she could sink herself into and cocoon herself in false security. Hermione had stayed in her seat the entire meeting, despite how uncomfortable Sirius' angry and suspicious glare made her. She was sure that if she needed to run out of another meeting to collect herself, they wouldn't ask her to return to the next one.
Besides, even if she had run out, Remus wasn't there to come out and comfort her. It would more than likely be Lily who would come out after her, and as much as she liked Lily, Hermione knew the well-meaning redhead would pry and ask questions. Remus hadn't asked questions last time, just offered a bit of warmth. Remus had stayed home from yesterday's meeting, claiming to be ill. She knew it was because of the upcoming full moon, but wished him well, anyway.
Hermione sat inside her cottage on the large, squishy armchair that Lily had picked out. It was a deep blue color and it felt like she would sink through it, every time she sat in it, but it was comfortable and large enough that she could curl up in it with a blanket and book. Tonight, however, it was not a book in her lap, but the small silver dagger with ancient runes etched into the sides of it. She stared down at the glittering stone in her palm, her heart beating rapidly inside her chest.
She needed to extend the ritual, if she wanted to stay in 1979. She needed to offer the stone her blood and soul to remain. She needed to make up her damn mind.
Hermione was not an indecisive woman. She had always thought things through and when she made up her mind, she was determined to see it through. She did not give up, she did not back down.
Now, however, she wanted nothing more than to run screaming in the other direction. To go back to her own time and forget that she ever came back to 1979. At the same time she wanted more. She wanted to hear everything the Order discussed, she wanted to elect to go on missions and wanted to find the answers to questions that had gone unanswered for far too long. She wanted to be a part of Lily and James' life, to figure out how to get through to Sirius. And Remus…
She looked out the large window next to the chair, the Waxing Gibbous moon high in the sky, illuminating the earth with a silver glow. Remus, who would be going through a Full Moon in three days without the relief of the potion that had yet to be created. As she watched the clouds move, she felt the strange feeling tighten her chest again. Something biting in the back of her mind, something she couldn't exactly remember. A feeling she couldn't name.
Hermione sighed, staring back at the dagger in her lap. She had to stay at least another month. Another month to gather information and to try and build trust. Another month to figure out whatever the hell this feeling was that had started eating away at her all hours of the day and night.
Hermione picked up the dagger, wrapping her thin fingers around the hilt. She winced as she dragged the blade across the palm of her hand, watching as the viscous, crimson liquid pooled on the surface of her skin. She set the amulet on her palm.
"Another month," she whispered. "Ego offerre anima mea; dedi sanguinem meum."
She repeated the chant three times, watching as the stone glowed bright in her palm before slowly fading into the glittering gold it was before. Hermione sighed, closing her eyes as a strange warmth surged through her, twisting her from the inside, a sensation almost the same as apparating. Her breath came back to her, her insides unclenched and she looked back out the window, watching the clouds drift over the moon again.
Sunday, December 2nd, 1979
Hermione fastened the belt on her trousers and ran her hands over her hair again, trying to get it to some sort of acceptable state. Sighing in defeat, she pulled her cloak over her shoulders and slipped her feet into her boots, heading out the door to Lily and James' place.
It had been Lily's idea for a "girl's night" out. She explained to Hermione that once a month, James, Remus, and Sirius all went out for the entire night and she would love to have her own night out with her and Hermione. Hermione obliged, chuckling internally as Lily told her that the boys enjoyed playing poker and getting far too inebriated once a month.
Of course, it was not lost on Hermione that the last poker night, as well as this one, had fallen on the full moon. She just hoped that sometime soon, she would be able to find a good enough reason to explain that she knew that Remus was a werewolf so they could stop this silly charade.
Lily was waiting in the doorway for Hermione when she stepped onto the small porch of the house. She moved back a step, leaving enough room for Hermione to squeeze between Lily and the door frame, and slip into the living room. James and Sirius were sitting on the sofa, a muggle motorbike magazine open as they talked about whatever article Sirius was excitedly pointing at.
Remus sat in the armchair closest to the door, looking paler than she had ever seen him. He was curled in on himself, his knees brought up into the chair that was far too small for his long body to be folded up in. His arms were resting on top one another, his head laying on them, eyes closed. Remus looked as if he were in a massive amount of pain in the too-small chair.
Hermione pulled her wand from her cloak waving it over the chair and enlarging it to better hold Remus' large frame. Remus wriggled backward, sinking further into the chair, the corner of his lips pulling up a bit as he opened his eyes.
"Thanks, Lils."
"That wasn't me," Lily said. "Thank Hermione."
Remus' eyes opened wider, blinking a few times before landing on her. They looked sunken into his skull, darker than usual purple rings under solid gold irises. Hermione stifled a sharp intake of breath upon seeing the completely golden eyes, one that she knew Remus heard. He shifted a bit in the chair, his eyes narrowing and his nostrils flared as he took a deep breath in through his nose.
"Diolch," Remus murmured the thanks in Welsh, his eyes lingering on Hermione another moment before his head landed back in the crook of his elbows, his eyes falling closed again.
"You're welcome," Hermione replied.
Hermione knew Remus was a werewolf, and she knew that somewhere deep down, this wasn't the first time shehad seen him this close to the full moon. But even with the knowledge of what Remus was, her mind couldn't supply the memory of seeing him like this. Looking so worn and sickly, as if he wanted to coil into himself until he disappeared.
Instead of her mind supplying her memories of Remus that may help her get over the shock of seeing someone look so worn and exhausted, it supplied her with the only other face she had ever seen look so depleted. Harry. The flash of a seventeen year old's face after spending hours at the Battle of Hogwarts fighting, watching so many people die. After months of living out of a tent and nearly starving to death. That was the only face she had ever seen look so exhausted.
Something in Hermione's chest clenched tight again as she realized how horrible it must be for Remus, to be fighting a war on himself every month on the day of the Full Moon, in the midst of an actual war budding around him.
"It smells like coconut in here," Remus mumbled.
Hermione's eyes widened slightly and she caught Lily's gaze. Lily shrugged, raising an eyebrow in question at her. Hermione cleared her throat and tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, "My hair products are coconut," she said.
Lily's eyes remained on her, her head tilting slightly as a smirk spread across her face. Hermione felt her cheeks go warm as she realized that not only was Lily staring at her, James and Sirius were as well.
"Smells nice," Remus hummed, his eyes still tightly shut, his lips slightly parted as he seemed to drift into sleep.
Lily shot Hermione another look before she crossed the room, standing in front of James and leaning down to press her lips to the side of his face, "Don't be too wild tonight," Lily said. James turned toward her, pressing his lips to hers, mumbling his response into her mouth. Lily giggled and pulled away from him, smacking his shoulder playfully and moving to stand in front of Sirius. "Take care of them, Pads. Don't get into too much trouble, yeah?"
"We'll be fine," Sirius reassured her, his eyes sweeping over Hermione a moment before landing on Lily. "Be careful."
"We're just going to dinner and a bit of shopping, we'll be fine," Lily laughed, pressing a quick peck on Sirius' cheek.
"You never know," Sirius said, his eyes finding Hermione again, this time his stern gaze lingered.
Hermione shifted uncomfortably, watching as Lily walked over to Remus, crouching down beside the chair to make her face level with his. She whispered something to him that Hermione didn't catch, and then pressed her lips against his forehead, holding them there a few seconds longer than the kiss to Sirius' cheek. Lily stood up, combing her fingers through Remus' hair a few times before nodding to Hermione.
"Ready when you are!" she said.
Hermione smiled, "Lead the way!"
The restaurant they had decided on was a small, family owned, italian place in a nearby muggle town. The menu was small, but the pasta was made fresh and the wine was decent quality. Hermione ordered the spaghetti bolognese and Lily chose linguini with clams and they dug into their pasta dishes.
Hermione genuinely enjoyed Lily's company. She was easy to talk to, funny, and extremely intelligent. She reminded Hermione of Ginny, in a way. Lily was far more feminine than Ginny had ever been, but she was nearly just as mischievous and she was unafraid to take the lead. Hermione respected Lily for that.
They began talking about the last Order meeting, discussing theories around the disappearance of Marlene McKinnon's father. Marlene had been a mess at the meeting, terrified for her mother without her father being home. She had begged Alastor to have her mother put into hiding, and finally, Alastor agreed it was probably for the best.
Hermione knew what the disappearances meant.
Voldemort was becoming more powerful. His ranks were beginning to grow rapidly in size and he had already secured the Vampire coven in Liverpool and had started to negotiate with the Giants and Werewolves. Hermione was afraid it was only a matter of time before Remus was asked to infiltrate the werewolf dens in the surrounding areas. She knew he would go, he had to. That's what had happened. But looking at him now, seeing him tonight half dead in the chair from the exhaustion of the moon… And it hadn't even risen yet! Hermione couldn't imagine Remus going into a werewolf den at this point.
"Sirius seemed to be in a mood yesterday, didn't he?" Lily said, rolling her eyes as she dipped her spoon into the Tiramisu they were sharing. "I mean, he's always in a mood. But at the meeting… He hardly said anything! He was just… just brooding the entire time! I know he's upset that he hasn't figured out what's wrong with his motorbike yet but-
"Lily, Sirius isn't upset about his motorbike."
Lily arched an eyebrow at her, "What do you mean?"
Hermione sighed, pushing the plate that was centered in the table, closer to Lily and setting her spoon down. "Sirius doesn't like me. I don't know what I did wrong, but he doesn't like me."
Lily stared at her for a minute, blinking slowly before lowering her own spoon from her mouth, "It's not that Sirius doesn't like you… He just…" Lily sighed, pushing her long hair over her shoulder and taking a sip from her wine glass, "Sirius thinks you're hiding something."
"Hiding something?" Hermione repeated.
Lily nodded, "It's ridiculous. He told James that he could see a glamour charm on your left forearm. Which obviously, even if you did have your arm glamoured, it would be none of our business. But Sirius said he thinks it's-
"He thinks I'm marked," Hermione stated.
Lily pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, gnawing at it a moment before shrugging. "He hasn't outright said that, but James thinks that's the direction his mind is headed, yes. James obviously told him he's an idiot."
Hermione sighed, pulling up the sleeve of her jumper a bit and twisting her wrist to catch the light just right, a shimmer waved across her skin. "He isn't wrong," she said. "I have a glamour on my arm. I have a rather nasty scar that I don't like for people to see."
Lily's eyes went wide as she looked at the shimmering patch of flesh on Hermione's arm. "Hermione, you know we don't care about that sort of thing. I mean, look at Remus! If we cared about someone's scarring-
Hermione shook her head, pulling her sleeve back down to her wrist. "It's a very painful reminder of a very bad time in my life. I'd rather not look at it every second of the day. I don't keep it covered for your sake, I keep it covered for mine."
She had had this conversation with Harry a multitude of times. Harry had always told her not to be embarrassed by her scars and to wear them proudly, and all of the other scars on her body from the war she had. The myriad of small scars that peppered her skin from fragments of the earth hitting her in battle, the scar on her leg that ran down the side, knee to ankle, from an injury she didn't have time to heal on herself while trying to heal a screaming Cho Chang. The violent purple scar from the dark curse Dolohov had used on her in fifth year that twisted up the left side of her ribs and onto her chest. A massive scar on her right shoulder blade from a blast to the side of a building that had pinned her. Even the small scar on her neck that sat just below her right ear, from Bellatrix's cursed blade the same night she had got the scar in question.
All of these, she wore openly. But the word that was cut into her arm? The one thing that she had that constantly reminded her that no matter what she did, no matter how smart and talented she was, no matter what side came out on top after the war… There would always be people who thought she was unworthy.
She didn't need the reminder.
Lily frowned, her brows pulling together to create a crease of concern on her forehead. "Hermione if you-
"I don't want to talk about it, Lily. I'm sorry. But Sirius is right, I do keep it glamoured."
It was just after sunrise when Hermione snuck into Lily and James' cottage. They had adjusted the wards when she moved into her home, to read her magical signature so she could enter anytime. From the looks of it, Sirius and James had gotten Remus to bed and left with Lily. Lily had explained that Remus "didn't do well after poker night, poor thing, can't hold his liquor at all." and James, Sirius, and herself always go to breakfast the next morning to allow Remus some extra time to sleep. She had invited Hermione along, but Hermione had politely declined.
Hermione walked over to the cabinet that Lily kept the potions in, opening it and scanning. She sighed, knowing that what they had wouldn't be strong enough. Judging by the pale blue of the liquid inside the phial, it was a strength meant for a completely human user. Remus would
require something much stronger. She was grateful she had thought to slip a few of her own brew into the pocket of her cloak before coming.
She went to the room that had been hers for the week or so she stayed there and opened the drawer in the desk, pulling out an old quill, an inkpot, and a scrap of parchment and thought about what to write. She didn't want to outright tell Remus she knew of his… affliction. Even in her own timeline, his lycanthropy was a very sensitive subject and this Remus was far less confident in himself as the Remus she had known had been. She didn't want to just leave the items at his door without saying anything, either. A random potion at his door that Lily, James, or Sirius hadn't brewed would probably not be well received.
Hermione twisted her mouth to the side as she thought. Something that would let him know that the contents in the phial were safe and from a friend. She smiled as it came to her, and she scratched neat lines into the parchment.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
She was confident Remus would recognize the lyric, and hopefully remember their very early morning conversation from two weeks ago. Hermione slipped her hand back into her pocket and pulled out the deep cobalt blue potion phial and a bar of chocolate and set them on the floor in front of Remus' bedroom door with the note on top of it.
Remus had been more than kind to her since her arrival. He had sat with her in the early morning hours, he had baked her delicious treats, listened to her talk, sat in silence with her when she needed comfort. Remus seemed to always be a little uncomfortable and awkward in most situations, but he was more than willing to extend generosity and a kind hand to those around him. Hermione hoped he would see that she wanted to extend that bit of comfort back to him.
.
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a/n: Alpha love always extended to my friend Mayghaen17.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please remember to leave a review! See you on Thursday :)
xo
