Chapter 40: Saturday, June 21, 1980

"A soldier, above all, prays for peace. For it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of battle."

-Douglas MacArthur


Hermione laid in bed staring at the ceiling as she felt small puffs of breath ghost across her stomach. Remus had, at some point in the night, moved to claim her belly as a pillow and wrapped her tightly in his embrace. She ran her fingers through his hair absentmindedly as she sorted through her mind with the events of the last few days.

It had become glaringly obvious that the Werewolves allegiances were becoming an even bigger problem than the Order had originally believed. After talking more with James about the things he had witnessed or heard in the two days he spent held captive, the Death Eaters were making moves to convince most of the local population to align themselves with Voldemort. She knew this meant Remus would be sent out on assignments soon, and she wasn't ready to have to face the fact that he would be seen as a threat, no matter how unassuming and calm he was. It would be single handedly one of the most dangerous tasks that would be asked of him, and she wasn't ready to swallow down her own wants to make sure that he did what he needed to do.

A worrisome thought had begun to creep and fester in her mind. With every passing day, it was becoming increasingly difficult to accept that she couldn't purposely step in to change things.

Remus grumbled something in his sleep, a soft snore emitting from him as he tightened his arms around Hermione's waist and snuggled his face further into the flat of her stomach. She smiled as her hands stilled in his hair, waiting to see if he was waking up. After a few moments his breath evened back out and he relaxed again, she resumed her combing.

Remus wasn't the only one she worried about endlessly. Ever since Wednesday afternoon, Sirius had, again, locked himself in his flat and refused to let anyone inside. James had seen him once, when Sirius stumbled from the tiny room to walk to the small convenience shop on the corner to buy more whiskey. James had tried to convince Sirius to come back to Godric's Hollow with him, a sentiment that was met with a nasty stinging hex, a half-arsed fist fight, and Sirius crying when he slammed the door in James' face.

Hermione knew today would not be easy for Sirius, for any members of the Order, really. Marlene's mother had insisted on a proper funeral, something that was not done for any other Order member thus far. Likely, because the family of most of the Order was also involved in some way, and didn't want the pain of seeing their loved one surrounded by the people who sent them out on the mission they were killed on.

Mrs. McKinnon, however, had been adamant. With the disappearance of her husband, she needed the closure of a funeral for Marlene. Hermione understood, but she wasn't ready to deal with the aftermath that the funeral would cause. She just hoped that Sirius showed up and that he did so sober, or at least, not so pissed that he would cause issues. Marlene deserved that much.

"You're thinking very loudly," Remus mumbled against her belly.

Her hands stilled on top of his head, "Sorry."

He hummed, pressing a kiss to the bit of exposed skin from where her nightshirt had ridden up. "S'okay. Don't stop playing with my hair though."

Hermione chuckled and tugged her fingers through the mess of sandy hair. "We'll need to get up soon, I told Lily we would have breakfast with her and James before we left."

"Making plans for the both of us now, are you?"

"Oh, I… I should've made sure it was okay. Did you have-

"I'm only joking," Remus said. She could feel him smile against her, "I like that you made plans for us."

A wistful smile stole her face as he tightened his hold, yet again, and pressed several more kisses to her stomach. "So, what had that brain of yours working this early in the morning?"

"It's not that early, Remus."

"It's before nine, it's early."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Sirius."

Remus deflated, sighing heavily as he removed his hold from her and budged up on the bed, propping up on is elbow to look at her, "What about him?"

"I'm just worried about what state he's going to show up in," Hermione explained.

"Knowing Padfoot, it won't be great."

Hermione sighed, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. She attempted to push her hair from her face, getting frustrated when her hand got caught in the tangles at the crown of her head and stopped trying. "I didn't understand his relationship with Marlene, but I know they were close. He's going to drink himself into an early grave if he doesn't learn how to disconnect from his emotions."

"Disconnect…" Remus repeated, his brows pulling together. "You mean… Have you disconnected?"

"I have to," Hermione whispered. "You know I can't-

"Can't bloody well tell me a damn thing, yeah. I know."

Hermione's shoulders sagged at the slight irritation of Remus' voice. "I've seen a lot, Remus. I've lost a lot of people I care about. I wouldn't be able to remain upright if I didn't compartmentalize every person I failed to save, every person I watched get killed… So yes, I may be desensitized to death, a fair bit more than anyone else here, but it's because I've seen what happens when someone can't move on with their lives."

Nine months in a tent with a grieving Harry, came to mind. Her best friend, her brother, who had lost so much. Becoming obsessed with a ridiculous biography that had been printed, obsessed with every word ever said to him by Dumbledore, replaying moments over and over in his head, shrinking into himself and lashing out on anyone who challenged him to think about something else. They were young, then. Incredibly young, and incredibly stupid. Harry had let his emotions best him several times over, and Hermione had been there to watch it happen every time. Someone had to be of sound mind. Getting lost in herself was not a luxury she, they, could afford to take.

As she stared into her lap with unfocused eyes, her fingers twisting together, she felt the mattress dip as Remus moved again. Soon after, his lips pressed to her temple, his arm wrapping around her shoulders as he pulled her to his chest.

The previous thoughts she had had months ago about Remus not being affectionate, seemed laughable now. Remus was extremely affectionate. He was just selective about who he gave those affections to. Her thoughts drifted back to a few weeks after she first arrived and Lily told her that once Remus was comfortable talking with you, he'd never shut up. She supposed Lily had been right, and Hermione was endlessly grateful for it.

"Sirius and Marlene had a complicated relationship," Remus said. "I think they really just… Loved to hate one another I guess. But Sirius… he always loved her. In his own way, I'm fairly certain he thought the sun rose and set in Marlene McKinnon."

Hermione sighed, winding her arms around him and placing a kiss to the puckered skin of a scar across his bare chest. He pressed his lips into her hair and they sat in silence for a long time. Hermione really loved talking to Remus, but equally, she loved that they didn't have to fill the air with chatter. Finally, Hermione untangled herself from Remus' grip and grabbed his hands, pulling at him to get out of the bed. He smirked as she nearly tumbled as he remained in the same position, not budging one bit.

"Fine then," she said, dropping his hands. "Shower by yourself." She laughed when she heard him scramble up from the bed, his arms wrapping around her to scoop her up and carry her into the bathroom.

Once they were showered and dressed, after transfiguring Remus' worn dress robes to fit a bit better and to mend the patched fabric, they walked over to James and Lily's to have breakfast. When she entered the cottage and slipped off her heels, she was met with James' frantic voice.

"I'm sorry, Lils! I don't… No, of course I don't think you're fat! It's not about… No, I just… It's a funeral, love! I thought you should wear something… No, I didn't- I'm sorry!"

"I'm going to go… fix… that…" Remus trailed off, shaking his head as he moved toward the back of the house. Moments later, he emerged with a very disgruntled looking James.

"What did you say to her?" Hermione asked, an eyebrow arched.

"Nothing! She just… It's hormones! She's been a mess all week," he whispered the last part of his sentence. "I simply suggested that she transfigure her dress a bit, and she yelled at me!"

Hermione rolled her eyes while shaking her head, "James, darling, you can't tell a very pregnant woman to transfigure her clothes."

His eyes were wide, an exasperated look on his face. "Well I know that now! Can you please just… I don't know! Help me out, here?"

Remus barked a laugh and moved toward the kitchen, "Good luck."

Hermione rolled her eyes and gave James a small shove toward the kitchen while walking to the back of the house. She knocked softly on the door to Lily and James' bedroom before pushing it open and peeking in.

"Hi," Lily said, her voice watery and strained.

"Hey, Lily. Everything all right?"

"I'm the size of a damn house and apparently nothing I own is appropriate to wear and my feet have been swollen since yesterday."

Hermione pursed her lips, aware that the amusement that she was trying desperately to stamp down would probably get her hexed. "The dress you have on is pretty, what's wrong with it?"

"It's lilac!" Lily said, staring at Hermione as if she were absolutely out of her mind. "I can't wear lilac to a f-funeral."

"Would you like me to transfigure the colour for you?"

Lily sniffled and nodded, "Yes. My magic has been all over the place. I talked to Poppy about it, apparently this can happen with pregnancy in witches, it's not uncommon. You know, there isn't a single book that I can find on it?"

Hermione waved her wand, darkening Lily's dress to a shade of plum that was almost black. "Maybe you should write one?"

Lily huffed a mirthless laugh, "Oh yes, What to Expect When You're Expecting, Witch Edition. Featuring a very long article about how your magic won't work properly and you revert back to accidental magic like a child."

"The archaic information in the wizarding community never ceases to astonish me." Hermione surmised.

"You and I both. And yet we're the type they want to eradicate! Merlin forbid someone come in here and bring them up to speed."

Hermione chuckled and offered a hand, pulling Lily from the edge of the bed and giving her a warm hug. When Lily's belly pressed against hers, she felt a movement and nearly shouted from the surprise of it. She stepped back and looked at Lily's stomach, her eyes wide.

"Oh yes, he's very active in there these days. I swear he's running Quidditch drills using my bladder as a Quaffle." Lily grabbed Hermione's hand, pressing it on her belly.

She waited a beat and gasped when she felt the movement again, her other hand coming up to press against Lily, eyes wide as the baby, Harry, moved about inside of his mother. Kicking repeatedly against her touch.

"It's bizarre, isn't it?" Lily asked.

Hermione nodded, "Wait… you said he. Did you find out the sex?"

Lily shook her head, "No. But I just… I just know. I can feel it. James says that doesn't make any sense, and he's convinced we're having a girl. I think he wants a little girl to spoil, but I know it's a boy. Can I tell you something, I haven't even told James this yet…"

"Yes, of course, you can tell me anything!" Hermione said.

"I want to call him Harry."

Hermione's eyes pulled up from Lily's ever-moving belly, "H-Harry. Why Harry?"

"James' grandfather was named Henry, but everyone called him Harry, I guess. He's the reason the Potter's were shunned and excluded from the count of sacred blood lines. Do you know what he did to get them banished?"

Hermione shook her head, wondering how she had never thought about Harry's name and where it had come from before. She had just assumed it was a random choice, something his parents liked, much like her own name.

"He spoke up against the Minister for Magic, tried to help muggles fighting in the first World War. He saved muggle lives, advocated for muggleborns, like us. He died before James went to Hogwarts, but he's always talked fondly of him. I wish I would have been able to meet him, to thank him."

Hermione swallowed the lump in her throat. If only Lily knew how hard Harry would fight for everyone, but especially for muggleborns. Fight to eradicate the world of the evil that tried to capture and enslave people of non magical parentage. He lived up to the namesake, and she filed away the information for later, to write in her journal of things to tell Harry upon her return.

"Harry is a nice name," Hermione finally whispered. "I think it will suit him well."

"If it's a girl, which is not, James wants to name her after his mum. Mum was a lovely, lovely woman, but I can't name my child Euphemia. So, let's hope my intuition is right."

Hermione laughed and finally removed her palms from Lily. "We should go have breakfast, it's going to be a long afternoon."


Hermione sat still in the hard chair next to Remus. Her right hand was laced with his left, pulled into his lap, the official from the Ministry read a long passage about the seasons of life and how things must continue on. She tuned most of it out as she looked around her, staring at the faces of the group of twenty or so people who had come to the funeral. Remus sat stoic next to her, sniffling every so often, eyes bright with unshed tears as he stared ahead. Lily and Alice wept quietly behind her, every few minutes a cooing voice coming from either James or Frank as they tried to calm their pregnant wives.

Molly and Arthur were present, sitting a few seats down from where she and Remus sat. Dumbledore and a less-greyed Minerva McGonagall sat in the back row with Ted and Andromeda, Kingsley, and Moody. Emmaline sat in the front, next to Mrs. McKinnon, holding the older woman's hand as she wept into a handkerchief. Dorcas and Poppy sat behind them with Benjy Fenwick and Dedalus Diggle.

Sirius sat in the front row, on the opposite side of Mrs. McKinnon. He was drunk, absolutely sozzled actually, and nearly falling out of his chair as he tried to remain upright. He had worn black trousers that had seen better days, a dark red button down shirt, and despite the heat of June, his leather jacket. She had counted six times now that he had pulled a silver flask from within the inside breast pocket during the ceremony alone. He was unshaven, and his hair was in desperate need of a wash. Hermione briefly wondered if he had just Scourgified his body clean to mask the fact that he clearly hadn't had a proper shower in days. Not to mention he positively reeked of booze.

When the officiant finished speaking, Mrs. McKinnon stood and said a few words. Emmaline was next, sobbing through most of the small speech she had prepared. After that, Hermione was shocked to see Sirius stand and walk to the podium. She felt Remus shift uncomfortably beside her for the first time since taking their seats and heard a unified "oh, no" come from James and Lily.

Sirius cleared his throat, his eyes bloodshot as he looked around the crowd of people. "Marlene was a bitch," it seemed as everyone in the crowd became completely silent, holding their breaths to see if Mrs. McKinnon would shout at Sirius. When she didn't Sirius continued, "And I'm an arsehole... She never failed to tell me that. I met her when I was thirteen, properly met her. I had seen her around during meals, in the library, things like that…" His speech was slurred and his mouth twisted off to the side for a moment before he took a deep breath and continued. "When I was thirteen she cornered me in the Library for taking the piss out of one of her friends. She smacked me in the face, and I think I fell in love. We were never right for each other, though. The time never made sense, we were seeing different people, or I fucked up and said something new to piss her off."

"Pads," James voice called from behind Hermione, a desperate attempt to get Sirius to stop talking.

Sirius let out a puff of air, a humorless laugh, and tightened his jaw. Hermione could see it twitch as he ran his tongue over the front of his teeth. "Marls told me once that I never gave myself enough credit, that I was a good man when I wasn't so hell-bent on being an arsehole. But none of us are good men."

Sirius' gaze pulled up from the top of the podium and landed on Remus, burning holes into his face, "Good men don't fuck up so bad that their friends die. That the people they love die. Good men don't turn a wand on someone they love."

His gaze dropped back down to the flimsy wood top beneath his fingers, "I fucking loved Marlene, and I never told her." He sniffed and cleared his throat as he looked at Mrs. McKinnon, "She deserved better than what I gave her."

With that, he stepped away from the front and walked down the aisle, reaching into his pocket for his flask, the breeze carried the smell of booze to Hermione's nostrils. As the crowd began to break after a moment of silence for both Marlene and her father, Remus and James both jumped to their feet, storming toward the back of the property where Sirius was leaning against a tree, sipping from his flask.

"Merlin, that was…" Lily trailed off, shuddering as she blew a long breath through pursed lips.

Lily, Alice, and Hermione talked quietly among themselves. Frank had gone to speak to Dumbledore and it seemed clear that James and Remus wanted to talk to Sirius alone. Several minutes passed by before they were brought out of their conversation by shouting.

"Geroff me!" Sirius' voice cut through the air, slurred and angry. "Don't fucking touch me!"

"Pads, you're making a sce-

"Fuck you, Moony!"

"Sirius!"

"No!" Sirius shouted, shoving James away from him.

Hermione and Lily both began walking toward the three men as the yelling escalated.

"Fuck you, Remus! You're the fucking reason this happened! You're the one who-

"I TOLD HIM TO SPLIT UP, PADFOOT! ME! I TOLD HIM TO!" James yelled.

"THEN YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT TOO!" Sirius shouted. He turned back toward Remus, shoving a finger into his chest, "You fucking know better! You're supposed to be the smart one! And what did you do?! You ran off and got him-" at this he threw his hand out to the side, motioning wildly at James, "Captured! And then we had to go find him! Fuck us, though right? I mean, honestly, I'm a fucking waste of space, so I get it! But James has a kid on the way!"

"Pads, I'm-

"Fuck you." Sirius hissed, shoving Remus backward with as much force as he could. "The shit I had to do, because you fucked up!"

"Sirius!" Lily hissed, as she and Hermione closed the gap between them all. "You are making a fool of yourself!"

He ignored Lily, turning back to Remus, "You enormous prick!" Sirius shoved Remus again, "Do you not even care that Hermione almost died?! You would have killed her! You would have ripped her limb from bloody fucking limb and she was there for you!"

"Sirius," Remus said, stumbling backward again with another shove. His jaw was tight as he tried to control his anger, his nostrils flaring and his eyes ribboning with gold. "Stop. This is not the place-

"Oh, there he is!" Sirius laughed, "Come out to fucking play with me, Moony! Come on!"

"Pads, that's enough!" James said.

"Let's go to the house, we can talk about it-

"I don't want to talk to you, Remus! I want to talk to Moony! Should I remind you about the crucio your girlfriend took while you were on the ground, docile and-

"SHUT UP!" Remus shouted, finally snapping. "I know! I know, okay?! But now is not the time or place to-

"I fucking tortured her, because of you're bad choices!" Sirius screamed, flecks of spit hitting Remus' chest as the vein in Sirius' throat throbbed. He balled his fist and pulled it back, sinking it into the center of Remus' chest. When Remus doubled over, Sirius fisted his robes to pull his face down a few inches and cracked his knuckles into Remus' face. Once, twice…

"FUCK YOU PADFOOT! YOU CAN SAY YOU WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE!" Remus shouted, spitting blood back into Sirius' face. "You weren't there! Because no one can trust you not to fuck everything up! So, yeah! I might have fucked up. But you do it every single time, you bloody pillock!"

Sirius released his grasp on Remus, shoving him so hard he fell to the ground, Lily yelped and yelled for James to "Do something!" at which, Sirius punched an approaching James in the groin, sending him to the ground. He straddled Remus and began to deliver blow after blow to his face. "FIGHT BACK!" Sirius screamed.

"No!" Remus said, his voice muffled from his nose being broken.

"You fucking coward!"

Despite Remus' refusal only moments earlier, something in him snapped, and he rolled Sirius over, sinking his fist into his jaw, "I am not a coward!"

Remus stood up, his eyes blazing with fury, Sirius jumped to his feet, brandishing his wand.

"Absolutely not!" Hermione said, finally losing what little patience she had. She understood that clearly there were some emotions Sirius needed to work out, and knew that Remus would be furious with her if she intervened. But the look on Sirius' face was a desperate brand of anger that she knew would cause damage. Hermione flicked her own wand toward Sirius, hitching him up in the air by his ankle.

"Put me down!" Sirius roared, flailing around in the air.

"I don't think I will," Hermione said, her voice even. "You want to act like a child and make a scene in a very inappropriate setting for the scene to be made? Then I will treat you like a child."

"Hermione-

Hermione turned her head toward Remus, "I wasn't talking to you. Be quiet." She could see the anger flash in his face, but he snapped his jaw shut, instead turning to James to help him off the ground. Hermione turned her attention back to Sirius, "What happened was tragic, but we are at war and unfortunately, tragedy is a side effect of that. It would do you some good to remember that instead of drowning your self-pity in cheap booze and cigarettes. You have people around you who care about your well being, even if you don't. And you've gone and hit both of them."

"They deserved-

"I'm not finished!" Hermione said, flicking her wrist again to cast a charm to silence him. "Now, I think I have been very patient as you self-destruct and worry your friends sick, but my patience is running very thin with you, Sirius Black. Get your shit together and stop trying to place blame for a bad situation."

With that, she released the spells, letting Sirius fall to the ground, hard.

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a/n: Thank you for reading! As always, alpha love to Mayghaen17 who has been an amazing cheerleader for this story since I started developing the idea! She's the best and you should go support her work!

Also, thank you all so much for the review/follows/faves! I love you all so much and I appreciate every single one that I get!

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