Chapter 44: Sunday, July 27, 1980
"Sometimes our bad feelings are only assumptions and speculations doing dark dances in our heads."
-Bonnie Lyn Smith
Having Andromeda work to create cracks in the blocks that Draco had put into place had proven to be fruitful. She had learned, or rather she had remembered, that Remus had been her Professor at one point, and based on knowing Remus as he was now, and the few cues she got from her own memory, she assumed it was in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She had lived with him and Sirius at Grimmauld place for the summer before her fifth year, and she apparently spent a lot of time with Remus in that summer. Blips and swirls of memory came in fuzzy, fading, scenes… But several of them were late at night with a pot of tea between them as they looked over open books.
A rather disturbing dream, or memory as it would be, had woken her from sleep in the early hours in the morning...
The sterile smell of St. Mungo's burned her nose, her eyes heavy and her chest on fire. She had looked around the sheets she was wrapped in to see that her chest was bandaged in layers of white gauze and when she looked to the right, Remus Lupin was watching her curiously from an uncomfortable looking arm chair.
"Did we… Is Harry..?" Hermione couldn't find the words to ask if her best friend was alive, if they had made it out okay.
"Harry's fine," Remus said, his voice hoarse with lack of use or perhaps… The red rim of his eyes and the exhausted expression on his face suggested perhaps lack of use was not what had caused the scratch in his throat.
"Who?" She asked, knowing the look on his face could only mean they lost someone.
"Sirius."
The name came as but a whisper from his lips and Hermione felt instantly nauseous as both her stomach and heart clenched uncomfortably. She felt tears prickle at the corners of her eyes and a strange thought came to her…
"Why are you here?" She asked, trying her best to sit up. She groaned in pain as the movement tugged at the skin beneath the wraps around her torso. "Shouldn't you be with Harry- With the Order? What's-
"Someone needed to be with you when you woke up," Remus croaked. "I needed some time to myself. I volunteered to look after you."
"Oh."
Silence settled over them, thick and uncomfortable. Oppressive in it's demands to remain hanging in the air filled with grief and desolation, all consuming in the ringing of her ears.
She watched the sunrise from the back garden, a steaming cup of her favorite espresso and chocolate beverage between her palms as the summer breeze pulled at the tangled curls that had come loose from the plait she had put it in before bed. She knew Sirius had died in her time, but the circumstances surrounding his death had been a mystery to her. It was odd, the way the block in her memory operated. She could remember specific things, moments with people, but if Remus or Sirius were there, it was as if she couldn't see them. Their voices muffled and their figures darkened into shadows of what they should be.
The only good thing that had come thus far from the headaches she endured to create cracks in the dam of her mind, was that Remus would make it out of the assignment he was currently on, alive and well. More or less, anyway.
She was startled from her thoughts by the sound of her back door clicking shut, when she turned, she expected to see Sirius or even James… But it was Peter who was walking toward her. She furrowed her brow, tamping down the unpleasant feelings that always accompanied his presence and she painted on a small smile as he approached.
"I knocked, but you didn't answer, your door was unlocked. I hope it's alright that I came through the house?" He asked, shifting nervously from foot to foot.
Remus had adjusted the wards to allow Peter access the day before he left, confused as to why he hadn't been allowed access before. Hermione didn't have a clear reason for him, other than she simply hadn't spent as much time with Peter. But he was Remus' friend, so she swallowed back the irritation and allowed him to change the wards.
"No, it's okay." She said, scooting down the bench she was perched and patting the spot next to her. "Is everything okay? Did you hear something about Remus?"
Peter smiled gratefully at her before taking the spot next to her, "No, I haven't. Have you?"
"I wouldn't have asked you, if I had," she pointed out.
"Right. Yeah. That makes sense…"
Hermione sipped on her espresso another few minutes before setting the empty mug on the ground and turning a bit to look at him. "Peter, is there a reason you're here?"
"Yeah, actually. There is," he replied, running a nervous hand through his hair. "Remus may have asked me to check in on you while he was gone. I hadn't been over yet, because well… Sirius kept coming over. And then you were over at James and Lily's a lot… Anyway, he asked me to look in on you, and I told him I would. So here I am."
"You chose sunrise to be the time you'd look in on me?" Hermione asked, one of her eyebrows pulling up onto her forehead.
He shifted again, his hands twisting in his lap as he laughed nervously, "Yeah, well… Remus doesn't sleep well the nights leading up to the moon, I just kind of assumed that you would have adopted that sleep schedule as well, being that you live together and all."
Hermione smiled, "Yeah, I don't sleep well as is. His tossing and turning certainly doesn't help."
A corner of Peter's lips lifted in a half smile, "When we were at Hogwarts together, his bed was next to mine, tossed and turned so much he'd end up on the floor some nights. I started putting a cushioning charm on the floor next to his bed!"
"That's very thoughtful," Hermione said.
"Yeah, well… He'd've done the same for me, I'm sure. Moony's a good bloke."
"Yeah, he really is."
"Seems to really love you," Peter mumbled. "He's never asked me to look in on anyone for him before. Not even his mum."
Hermione pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she smiled, "Yeah. I love him too."
"I can see that," Peter said. "I never did properly thank you for healing months back."
She waved her hand, "It's unnecessary."
"Maybe," Peter agreed. "But thanks, anyway."
For several minutes they sat together on the small bench in the back garden. The birds chirping happily in the orange glow of the early morning sun. Hermione could hear the clicking from the tree behind her, where some Bowtruckles had taken up house and she closed her eyes as the breeze fluttered over her skin, pulling the locks of hair from her face again.
"Can I ask you something?" Peter questioned, breaking the peaceful silence that had fallen between them.
"Sure," Hermione said, slowly opening her eyes to look at him.
"He's asked me to look in after you, but obviously you're doing okay. Maybe losing some sleep, but that's hard to come by these days as it is… I know I haven't been around much, Dumbledore keeps sending me out on missions to get information, I guess they think I'm observant… And then when I get back… Well, my mum hasn't been doing the greatest since my dad died. So I try to spend as much time with her as I can…"
Hermione furrowed her brows in confusion, wondering where Peter was going with this. Just as she was about to ask, he continued talking.
"Anyway, Remus is my best mate. James and Sirius obviously too, but I always got on better with Remus… Can you just… Can you look after him? I don't know what's going to happen, but it feels like whatever is building up is gonna happen soon. Remus cares about everyone else, but he doesn't give a shit about himself. Can you just… Will you make sure that he has a reason to care? A reason to come home from those missions, something worth fighting for. Because his own life ain't it. He'll let those werewolves rip him apart if he doesn't have a reason not to."
"You worry for him."
Peter's head bobbed, "Yeah. More than the others, honestly. James and Lily, well they've got each other don't they? And Sirius, well… Sirius lives for proving people wrong, to rub it in his mum's face that he's not like them. But Remus…" He trailed off, taking a deep sigh and blowing it out slowly through pursed lips. "Moony doesn't think he's worth the breaths he takes. It's always been like that. But with you around, he seems different, hopeful, even. Just… Don't hurt him, okay?"
Hermione's lips folded in as she pressed her mouth into a thin line, taking in Peter's request. She felt the stabbing irritation she had been feeling upon sight of him ease away, replaced by a strange sadness she couldn't quite name. A bit of understanding, perhaps, of Peter was rooting into her. He cared for his friend, and he understood that Remus found it particularly difficult to care for himself. He understood that Remus deserved a good life, a happy life.
"The last thing I ever want to do to Remus is hurt him," she said.
Peter offered a small smile, "I believe that's true."
They remained in the garden for quite some time. Hermione was surprised to feel almost all of the uneasiness she had been feeling toward Peter dissipate. Almost. There was still a tug in her gut that told her not to trust him, not to open up fully to him. And while trusting her gut had landed her in more than one precarious situation since the idea had formed that she needed to come back in time, when it came to survival, her gut knew a bad situation when it sensed one.
She listened to Peter as he told her stories of their time at Hogwarts. He was still under the impression, as the rest of the Order was, that she had been taught magic at home and had no formal education when it came to magic. He had admitted he was shocked to see that she was such a skilled healer, but growing up with Remus and Lily around, he understood that some people took to academics better than others. And he raised no questions when she said that she had studied healing on her own time… Which was mostly true.
Finally, after an hour or two of conversing with Peter, the slight pang of hunger had turned ravenous and she excused herself to make some breakfast and work on some research. Peter left her with an awkward half hug and a promise to check in tomorrow morning.
As the day wore on, Hermione found herself even more wound up than she had been the entire week. She was sure that a large part of that had to do with the fact that moon rise was but a few hours off, and not seeing Remus days beforehand, knowing the danger he was in turning with a pack of wolves he'd barely met, it was impossible to focus on anything worthwhile. She brewed a few batches of pain-relief potion and went through her notes on the previous Order meetings to see if anything stood out that she hadn't already looked into.
Finally, Lily had talked her into coming over to have dinner via Sirius on her doorstep and a threat of hexing her if she turned it down. Sirius seemed to be full of anxious energy as well, and she was thankful that he would understand her worry. When she and Sirius stepped into Lily and James' home, it was made apparent that they were all feeling anxiety surrounding the night's events.
"You can stay here tonight, if you like." Lily offered.
"Thanks Lily, but I think I'd rather try to sleep in my own bed."
"So you can worry yourself sick by yourself?" Lily asked, her eyebrow pulled high.
"I'll be fine and I-
"I'll stay with her," Sirius said. "If that's alright with you, Kitten."
Hermione huffed and looked at Sirius to tell him the gesture was appreciated but unnecessary, when her eyes found him, however, she recognized the fear in his eyes. She nodded, taking a sip of her water, "Yeah, okay. Sirius, you can stay with me. Make sure I don't work myself into a frenzy."
It was well after midnight that Hermione laid awake, the curtains to the window closest to her bed drawn open, the moon shining down brightly through the scant amount of wispy clouds. The sound of Paul McCartney came quietly from the charmed record player Remus had put on top of their dresser, the lyrics of 'Blackbird' only marginally calming to her now.
"Remus hates this song."
Hermione pulled her line of sight from the silver moon and saw Sirius standing in the doorway. His arms were folded across his bare chest and his pyjama clad hips were cocked to the side, pressed against the wood as he looked down at her. She pulled herself up in the bed, pressing her back against the headboard.
"He told me he doesn't hate it, but I know it's not his favorite."
"He only listens to it because you like it."
She smiled, "I know." Hermione patted the bed, "Would you like to sit?"
Sirius nodded, his arms falling to his sides as he crossed the room, sitting on the opposite end of the bed with his legs folded in front of him. He leaned over, pressing his elbows into his thighs and craned his neck to look up at the moon. "You know, it's been years since I've looked at the full moon as a human."
"Does it look any different?"
"Brighter," he admitted. "A lot less terrifying to look at it when there's not a werewolf chasing your tail for hours."
"How old were you, when he told you?" Hermione asked.
"He never told us," Sirius answered. "We figured it out in second year. He always made up some excuse or another to be out for a few days. Said his mum was sick, which she was, so we bought that for a while. Peter actually figured it out, bloody good at Astronomy as he was, that's not a surprise. He came to me and James about it the day he realized what was going on."
"What happened then?"
"We did the same type of stuff you do. Left him potions that we nicked from Slughorn or the Hospital Wing, brought him all the chocolate he could eat- which is a lot, mind you. Tried to figure out a way to make it easier on him. James was always skilled with Transfiguration, not my strongest suit, but he's brilliant with it. We spent a lot of time in the library and found out that werewolves can't turn animals."
"So you studied to become animagus." Hermione said, knowingly.
Sirius nodded, "Yeah. Took a few years, fucked up a lot. James got stuck with an antler for a few days, there was a straight week where I could only bark, and Peter had a tail for almost a month."
Hermione laughed at the mental image of the three of them walking through the castle, botched animagi forms and not able to explain why. She could only imagine the exasperation that Professor McGonagall must have felt.
"How did you fix it?"
"McGonagall, believe it or not."
"Really?"
"Yeah," Sirius smiled, nodding. "Yeah, she figured out what we were up to pretty quick. Kept it quiet for us, gave us a few books to read and gave James access to the Restricted Section so that we could get the right information. She even let us use her classroom a few times after curfew to practice."
Hermione's eyes grew wide, a new respect for the mentor she already held in such high regard blooming in her chest. "That's incredible."
"Yeah, it really was. She knew about Moony, of course. I like to think she helped us because she knew he had no one else. No one should have to go through that alone."
Hermione looked back out the window, dragging her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, "I have a bad feeling," she admitted. "I can't explain it, but something just doesn't feel right. Like I have some pull in my chest telling me he's not okay."
"I know what you mean," Sirius said. "Well, not the pull in the chest thing. But I can't think straight, like I just know something bad is happening."
"Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think… Could Padfoot..?" Hermione felt her cheeks warm at her request but she didn't know how to properly articulate that she needed some form of comfort and it was clear, he did as well.
"Thought you'd never ask, kitten." He smirked, standing on the mattress. Seconds later, the black, shaggy form of Padfoot stood at the end of her bed.
Hermione budged over, making more room for him next to her. He stepped closer to her side as she slid back down into the mattress, circling the spot a few times before finally laying down, curled up against her stomach. Hermione's hand sank into the thick back fur on the scruff of his neck, combing through it with her fingers.
"Thank you," she whispered. "I didn't want to be alone."
Padfoot let out a small whine as he nuzzled his face into the blanket. Her hand stroked the dark fur until she slowly allowed herself to slip into unconsciousness.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Hermione shot upright from the sound of fists pounding on her front door. She blinked rapidly, trying to stave off some of the tiredness she still felt. The sun was up, but only just. Sirius raised his furry head from the spot next to her, his head tilting to the side as one of his ears rose higher than the other.
She heard the door open, the knob banging against the wall in foyer and she threw the sheets back from legs, just as Padfoot stood, stretching out his hind legs, Peter appeared in her doorway.
"Hermione! You need to- Pads? What're you… Nevermind, it doesn't matter. You need to come quick!"
"What's happened?" She asked, quickly jumping up from the bed and pulling her hair to the top of her head, securing it with an elastic from her wrist before snatching her wand off the night table.
"It's Remus."
.
.
a/n: Okay, so I've never had to do this before, but apparently I do now.
I had to disable guest reviews.
I never want to be the person that takes away someone's ability to tell me how they feel about my story, but if you're going out of your way to comment on every single chapter and only pointing out the things you don't like..? Why continue to read? And then to do it under a guest account so that I cant message you back and address your "concerns"? Yeah, you can fuck right off with that.
So, if you have a guest account and you review, I urge you to just create an account. I do love seeing the reviews and knowing that people read and like what I write. What I DONT suggest, is leaving a slew of shitty reviews on someone's work. So, to my lovely guest reviewer that caused this...
I spend A LOT of time writing and putting out FREE CONTENT for you to enjoy. Your comments were backhanded and condescending, and I really don't appreciate them. If you don't like my work, that's fine. You don't have to. There are literally THOUSANDS of other stories you could be reading... Yet you continue to read mine? So obviously, it must not be that terrible. If you'd like to discuss some of your issues with my story, feel free to slide into my DMs. I also have a group of FB you can message me on, any time. I'm always willing to talk and answer any questions or address any plot discrepancies you may have.
Anyway, to those celebrating it, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have an awesome day full of food and good times.
xo
mimi
