Chapter 47: Thursday, August 7, 1980
"It is not always possible to catch the moment at which the positive goes over into its opposite, or when the negative starts moving towards the positive."
-Andre Tarkovsky
The week after the birth of Harry, Hermione found herself feeling out of sorts. Her mind wandered constantly, she was dizzy with the racing of her thoughts and she had even neglected to pay attention to one of the more volatile potions she was brewing, and caught her cauldron on fire... Only after a noxious gas had erupted, filling the entire cottage with the smell of rotten meat and causing Hermione to pass out. When Remus had come home from James and Lily's he had found her in a heap on the floor, knocked unconscious from the reaction and had nearly had a panic attack.
"I'm sorry!" Hermione said, downing her fourth glass of water in an attempt to clear the strange taste in her mouth.
"You're exhausted, Hermione!" Remus said, frustrated as he continued casting spells to create gusts of wind that would carry the foul smelling gas out the open door. "You've barely slept lately!"
"I know," Hermione admitted. "I've just got a lot on my mind."
"So talk to me about it!"
"Remus you know-
"You can't! Yeah, I know." Remus said, sharply. He casted an air freshening charm and closed the front door, walking back into the kitchen to sink down on the chair next to her. He conjured his own glass, filling it with water from his wand and took a sip. He set the glass down and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I'm sorry," Hermione apologized again. Although, she wasn't exactly sure that it was she who should apologize here.
"No, I… I know you can't tell me everything. I know. But I walked in and you had fainted, the house was full of the worst shit smelling gas I've ever encountered and your bloody cauldron was on fire!"
Hermione grimaced, looking down to her hands as her fingers lightly tapped against the wood of the table, "I know," she whispered. "It's just… Harry and I… It's difficult."
"You knew him well."
Hermione nodded, "Yeah. He was- is- my best friend. The only person in the world who knows everything about me, and it's really weird to hold him as an infant and know the things that he'll have to face. And know that there's nothing I can do to stop them."
Again, Hermione found herself thanking Draco for his insistence of including loopholes. Holes in her vow which meant she was able to talk about things vaguely, things that would bear no difference in the future. Saying she knew Harry was hardly a secret, saying he would face trials in his life was a give in— most people have to face hardship at some point.
"I imagine that it's strange," Remus agreed.
"Incredibly."
"Can I… Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," Hermione answered, looking up at him.
"I don't mean to pry, but… I know you've met with Andie a few times in the last fortnight. I just… I wondered…" He trailed off, looking guilty as his eyes drifted over her before landing down to the table.
Hermione sighed, "I'm trying to get my memories back."
"You… what?"
"I'm tired of not having the details," she explained. "There are things I'm missing that if I just knew, I could figure it out. It's been slow going, she can't remove the mental blocks all at once. But I—
"Hermione," Remus said, his mouth tugged down in a slight frown, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion. "I know it must be… difficult… But isn't there a reason you buried the memories in the first place? You're intelligent. I can't believe that you would have had walls erected in your mind to hold things in place if there wasn't a reason for it."
"Of course there was a reason," Hermione sighed. "But I can't… I don't know what happens, I don't know the details that I need to know. I could change something! I could help people!"
"None of us knows what's going to happen, love. That's why it's all so scary."
But I do, she thought.
Hermione drew her eyes up from the grooved wood of the table top and looked at Remus, studying his face as he watched her. Something had changed in him recently, something more self-assured taking over, she had noticed it before. But this was… This was the Remus she remembered from her own time. The way he spoke, the way his face pulled in painful understanding…
"I've already started it," Hermione whispered. "There's no going back now. The cracks have already been made."
Remus took a deep breath, nodding slowly as his hand reached out to cover Hermione's, his warm palm against her knuckles. "I get it. I really do. But you should go and at least talk to Lily, she thinks you're avoiding her."
Hermione nodded, knowing Remus was right. She needed to pay a visit to Lily and James. She needed to spend time with Harry as an infant, to know him now with parents and a life full of happiness ahead of him. If anything, she needed to do it for Harry. She had promised him happy memories, had promised him she would try and collect every single thing about his family that she could in hopes of bringing him some comfort, to provide a little bit of information where it had been severely lacking. And in order to relay that information to him, she had to be present. No matter how hard or awkward it felt for her. Right now, Harry was just the infant son of her two good friends.
...Two good friends she had been severely neglecting since the birth of their first child.
Hermione sat wedged between Remus and Sirius around the table at the Order meeting. James and Lily had remained at the cottage, not wanting to bring such a young infant to the meeting just yet and enjoying the time to coddle and coo over him without the revolving door of visitors. When Dumbledore entered the room, Hermione felt an instant shift in the energy around the table. His usual amused smile was gone and the twinkle in his eye had seemed to diminish.
Something had happened.
"Good evening," Dumbledore said, his hands clasped together as he looked around the table, taking a seat at the head. "We have much to discuss tonight."
"He seems awfully… morose, doesn't he?" Hermione whispered to Remus, her brows pulled together as her eyes drifted to Dumbledore.
"Something's not right…" Remus breathed, shifting his back against his chair and leaning forward a bit to shoot a look at Sirius.
Sirius sat with his arms folded across his chest, his brows pulled in and his jaw set tight. His eyes slightly narrowed as Dumbledore continued talking. "There hasn't been an attack, Moody always updates if there's an attack," Sirius whispered.
"...There has been a Prophecy made in regards to the Dark Lord and his success."
Hermione's head turned with breakneck speed, her hair whipping across her face as her breath stopped in her throat. The Prophecy. With a sudden force, her mind was slammed backward into a memory of cold, dank corridors and shrill laughter.
Hermione's breath came in sharp pants as she ran for her life, up and down row after row of small, luminescent orbs. Searching for the one thing that they had come here for, the one thing he wanted. The Prophecy. The smell of curses and hexes lit up the air, the shattering of glass… The glitter of the shards from the spheres illuminating their paths as it turned to dust beneath their shoes. A shriek, a loud roar of anger— pure fury.
Hermione's eyes widen as she whipped around, screaming out a stunner, a shield, a silencing charm. Terror pulsed through her veins, the sound of blood rushing in her ears drowning out the scream as Luna's ankle snapped. The burn of the purple jet of light that crashed into her ribcage, tearing through her skin, dancing beneath her sternum, setting her insides on fire.
Images swirled around her, distantly she heard Harry yelling at Ron, telling him no, telling him to get away from the tank. She heard Neville shout, his voice muffled by a broken nose, could smell the blood as he leant over her. Her eyes fluttered, glimpses of red and blue and purple phospherants swirling above her as she takes a shaking breath.
"I'll carry her," Neville says.
"Take her wand." Harry replies.
"Hermione!" Remus said, gently shaking her shoulder. "Hermione, are you all right?"
Hermione nodded, realizing she had doubled over, her eyes clenched tightly shut.
"Your heart is beating out of your chest," Remus mumbled, leaning closer to her.
"I'm fine," she insisted. "I- I'm fine."
"What does this Prophecy have to do with us?" Sirius asked. "If it tells us how to defeat him, sure. But otherwise, it's just a bit of chanced information, isn't it?"
"I have a source," Dumbledore began, his eyes lingering on Sirius a moment before falling to Hermione. "Who believes the Prophecy is in regards to Lily and James' infant son. Lord Voldemort believes this boy will be his undoing."
"Harry?" Remus and Sirius said in unison, both looking fiercely at Dumbledore.
"The Prophecy speaks of a child born the end of July who will interrupt his efforts," Dumbledore explained. "I have been informed that he has taken this to mean specifically Harry Potter."
"No," Sirius said, standing up slightly from his chair. "No. That doesn't make sense. Why the fuck would a baby be his undoing?! James' kid at that?! James is my best mate, but for christ sake, he's a bloody moron half the time!"
"Like you're any better." Emmaline quipped, her eyebrows raised.
"That's not the fucking point!" Sirius said, "I don't have a kid at risk."
"That you know of," Arthur chuckled under his breath.
"You aren't helping!" Sirius said, his voice raised. "Look, I'm not the one in question here! If it were me, he could fucking have me! But Harry? What the hell could Harry possibly do? He doesn't do anything but drool and soil his nappies!"
"It's not what Harry is now, Sirius, I'm afraid it is who he's destined to become." Dumbledore said, his tone patient as he took in what Sirius was trying to say.
"Well that's a load of rubbish, isn't it?" Sirius argued. "You can't be destined to be anything! With that fucking logic I should've been on their side a long time ago!"
"What can we do?" Remus said, finally. His voice even and calm, despite the swirling fire of gold in his eyes. "Is there anything we can do to protect them? To make sure they remain safe and… and intact?"
"They'll need to go into hiding," Hermione whispered.
With every passing day, the walls inside her head crumbled more and more. The fragments splaying into gashes, leaking information that had been buried in her mind. A trigger, a trip, a damn slip of the tongue was pushing memories and thoughts forward that she didn't know how to process or where they had come from.
But the information supplied itself regardless and as the meeting continued on, she knew it would be a matter of time before the dam broke and everything spilled into her head and sucked her under in a crashing wave of heartache. Because sitting here, listening to the Order discuss how best to protect Harry, James, and Lily, she knew that she was coming to the end of them soon. She knew the circumstances of their death had been buried, but it didn't take a genius to put two and two together.
And now her stomach felt heavy with guilt.
Hermione sat outside, staring up at the inky black sky, littered with bright stars and wispy clouds. After the meeting, she had gone to James and Lily's with Remus and Sirius. Dumbledore was already there, and they explained what the meeting had entailed.
It had been decided that James and Lily's home would be watched at all times, whether by one of the Marauders or another Order member, someone else would be around day and night to offer extra protection. In addition to this, James and Lily were forbidden to leave the property. For their safety, they needed to stay home and undercover until they found a better solution or until there was no longer a reason to be in hiding.
Lily had been devastated, understandably so. She cried as she held Harry close to her chest, pressing kisses into the thatch of wild black hair that covered his small head. James was furious, nearly shouting at Dumbledore before he calmed down enough to hear the plan that had been put together to keep them safe. His anger remained in place as the group explained that they would not be able to leave their home until safety was evident, however long that may be.
For hours after Dumbledore had left, they talked amongst themselves, trying to make sense of the prophecy, trying to figure out why they had been targeted, why Harry was important. There was no sense to be made of it, however, Hermione knew that. For years, Harry had punished himself, spiraling into dark recesses of his mind trying to make sense out of why it was his life that had been so drastically impacted. There was never a good reason, simply the burden placed upon his shoulders.
A cool breeze fluttered through the air and Hermione wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her legs up onto the bench and closing her eyes. Her chest ached, a phantom pain of the scar splitting across her flesh, likely from the abrupt flashback she had during the meeting. She took in a slow, deep breath that filled her lungs completely, and blew it back out slowly.
It was becoming harder to stay, but even harder to entertain the idea of leaving. She knew she had to leave, her time here was not infinite. And with the first year coming to a close soon, she was running out of time. It was getting harder with every passing meeting, every disappearance and death and capture and ambush, to keep herself focused. To remind herself that she had come here for answers, and those answers had not been found. Nor would they be, at least not here. Not anytime soon.
The sound of rustling in the grass a few feet away brought Hermione from her thoughts and she chuckled when she opened her eyes. Remus was shuffling toward her, barefoot and shirtless, in pajama bottoms that were once James' so they were a few inches too short. He rubbed at the back of his neck, looking over her with concern.
"It's half three," he croaked.
"Is it?"
He nodded, "How long you been out here?"
Hermione shrugged, her hands dropping into her lap, "Not sure. An hour, maybe?"
"You should have woke me, I would've-
"I needed some time to myself," Hermione said. "And you don't get enough sleep as it is."
"D'you want me to go back in?"
She shook her head and stood from the bench reaching her hand out toward him. Remus raised an eyebrow, but took her hand and followed her to the center of the small garden, out from the shade of the large oak tree. Hermione sat in the grass, pulling Remus down with her. She laid flat on her back and stared up at the sky, Remus' shoulder pressed against hers as he settled next to her, the fingers on his left hands lacing through the fingers on her right, swallowing her hand completely.
They laid for several minutes, staring up at the night sky in silence. Hermione felt her ever-racing thoughts finally calm as the sound of Remus' breath timed with her own, the twinkling of the stars and the passing of the occasional overhead light from a muggle satellite or airplane.
"You know," Remus said. "I've never sat and looked at the stars like this before."
"You haven't?" Hermione asked.
"No," his hand tightened a bit around hers before relaxing again. "The night sky isn't exactly a fond thing for me."
"The moon isn't something to fear, Remus." Hermione said, turning on her side and propping herself on her elbow to look at him. "It's part of you."
"It owns me. There's a difference."
"The only thing the moon owns is the night sky. She may guide your transformations, but the moon doesn't own you. No one owns you, but you."
"That's not true," Remus whispered, reaching up to cup the side of Hermione's face. "You own my heart."
She pressed her cheek into his palm and smiled sadly, "You understand I don't have forever here, don't you?"
"Are you leaving soon?" He asked, his breath quickening as he pushed up to his elbows, his hand dropping from her face.
"I don't… I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
Hermione sighed, "The longer I stay, the harder its going to be on everyone. The harder it will be on you, on me.. On James and Sirius and Lily… If I go—
"No," Remus interrupted, moving quickly to press his lips against hers. "No. You can't— You… Can't go yet."
"I'm remembering now, and I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have gone to Andromeda. I know that, but I'm remembering now and I can't… Remus, how can I stay when I know what's to come? When I know and I can't do anything about it?!"
Remus became quiet, his brows pulled together in thought as he stared into her face with a hardened expression. "What if we can figure out a way around it?"
"Around what?"
"The Vow," he breathed. "What if we can figure out a way to break it. So that you can say what you need to, warn who you need to?"
"I still can't. It would pull apart the fabric of my own timeline. One change here, one minor slip up and I could completely change everything. I could go back and everything be far worse for wear."
"So what if you don't go back?"
"Remus…"
"No, I-I know. Just, just hear me out!" Remus sat up, turning to fully face her, his face illuminated by the silvery glow of the starlight above them. "If we can find a way to break the vow… if we can do it safely, if we can… if we can change things… You could stay. Couldn't you? You could stay!"
Hermione bit into her lip, her eyes roaming the desperate expression on his face. "You know that breaking a vow is impossible-
"Who says it's impossible?! Who?! You know what I thought was impossible? I thought it would be impossible to find happiness, true happiness, and yet, here it is in front of me! Under the night sky, no less! I can conjure a patronus now, did you know that? Did I tell you?"
"You… Wait, what?"
"Yeah," Remus said, "Yeah, wait a minute.. I'll… I'll show you."
Remus stood up and with speed she had never seen from him before, he sprinted into the house, emerging a few seconds later with his cypress wand in hand. He held out his hand, pulling her up from the ground and cleared his throat.
"I've been practicing, like you said. We all have been. I think Lily's been able to get a few wisps… But… Expecto Patronum!"
From the end of his was burst a great silver wolf, it paced a few steps, looking at Remus expectantly before disappearing into the night.
"Why didn't you say anything before?"
"I've only just been able to do it the last week or so," he admitted. "I wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke. But that- that's not the point!"
"It isn't?"
"No! Don't you… Don't you see, Hermione? It's you. I think of you and I can cast the bloody Patronus. There has to be a way around the vow, a way for you to stay. Please. We- I- need you."
Hermione nodded, her vision blurring with unshed tears. "Okay," she whispered. "Okay, we'll figure it out."
When he pulled her into his chest and his lips found hers, his hands cradling her head as he tugged at her lips in needy kisses, Hermione realized that she had no idea if she could make that promise. She had no idea if she could figure it out, and chances were slim that she could. It was an Unbreakable vow, after all. But for Remus, she would try. At this rate, she wasn't going to find a cure to the curse anyway. At least if she turned while she was here, with Remus, she would be happy, at least for a moment.
.
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a/n: Hey all! thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Leave a comment and let me know?
xo
