Chapter 48: Monday, August 25, 1980

"It is so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn such little from peace."

-Chuck Palahniuk


Hermione couldn't help but chuckle as the tiny baby in her arms stretched and yawned, his little mouth opening so wide it looked as if it might split his face. He opened his eyes and blinked up at her, his eyes unfocused and going slightly crossed as they stared up.

"His eyes are still so blue," Hermione said, looking down fondly at him.

"Yeah, apparently it takes a while for their true eye colour to come. James is convinced he's going to have hazel eyes like him. Already got his hair and his appetite! I'd like to at least have something on my son to resemble me! I did carry him for nine months!"

At that, Harry made a strange little squawking sound, which caused Hermione to laugh. "Apparently he's got your attitude," she quipped.

Lily rolled her eyes, "Better sight than having James'! If he's anything like his father, we'll all be doomed. I just want him to get through his Hogwarts years without so many injuries!"

Hermione remained decidedly tight lipped on that subject, avoiding Lily's questioning gaze and turning her attention back down to Harry. It was incredible, really, how much he had changed in just shy of a month. Already he'd grown chubbier, his cheeks rounder and his body a bit longer. He still slept most of the time, but when he was awake, it was for longer periods of time than it had been even just a week ago. And he loved to be held. Often Hermione found when she would come to visit, at least one of the men was shirtless with a baby on their chest.

When James, Sirius, and Remus weren't holding him against their hearts, he was nursing with Lily or cuddled into Hermione's arms. Although it really seemed as if neither Hermione or Lily got much time with him at all. Not that it bothered Hermione, she wasn't exactly comfortable around babies to begin with. Especially not when the baby who was currently soiling his nappie against the palm of her hand would grow up to be her closest friend. She had come around, though. At least, she found herself able to look at Harry and hold him and not immediately feel nauseous with the knowledge of what was to come.

"He always seems comfortable when you're holding him," Lily smiled.

"He seems comfortable when anyone is holding him." Hermione said.

"Do you think you'll have children one day?"

Hermione grimaced, "I'm not sure, honestly. Maybe with the right person, one day. But there's so much going on right now… I couldn't even imagine having to worry about a child."

"Yeah, I can't say that getting pregnant at twenty in the middle of a war was my best moment," Lily laughed. "But I don't regret him for one second."

Hermione looked up from Harry's scrunched up face and met Lily's eyes, smiling sheepishly, "I'm sorry, Lily. That was rude. I didn't mean-

"No," Lily interrupted. "No, it wasn't rude. It was true. I'm worried constantly now. About things I never would have been worried about had I not gotten pregnant with Harry. Not only am I going mildly insane while we've been trapped here, but to know that I have no idea how long it will last. I have no control over my own son's safety? It's maddening."

Hermione nodded, "I can imagine it is."

"And I'm thankful that James can at least go with Remus and Sirius for the full moons, because Merlin knows we'll kill each other if we don't get reprieve at least a few hours a month. But even then… I'm not allowed left on my own. Moody's been outside the house since they left."

Silence lingered between them as Harry's breathing turned to soft snores. Hermione leaned back into the cushions of the sofa and brought her legs up, folding them in front of her and adjusting Harry to lay on her chest. His soft, plump cheek against her heart as his mouth hung open, his nose crinkling up every few minutes.

"It's nice to imagine what it might be like if there was no war, isn't it?" Lily whispered, moving from the chair to the couch next to Hermione, looking fondly at her son.

"I've never done it," Hermione admitted.

"What do you mean you've never done it?"

"I've never sat and imagined my life without the chaos. At least, not for a very long time. There was a while, years ago when I used to think about it," Hermione stared down at Harry, her fingers playing with the wild hair that stuck up from his head. "I used to wonder if things would ever go back to normal, if I'd see my parents again, if I'd eat a full meal again, if we'd make it out all right…" Her fingers stilled and then dragged over the round of his puffy cheek, her eyes misting slightly as she smiled down at him. "I guess in the end we made it out. Maybe not completely intact, not one hundred percent, anyway… Not all of us were so lucky. But now I'm just grateful to be alive, hoping that one day in my lifetime, I'll see a bit of normalcy again."

"You don't talk about your parents often," Lily said. "Back when you told us… You said the last you knew they were in Australia. You don't speak to them?"

Hermione shook her head, "I can't. I can't risk their lives to go find them."

"Don't they worry about you? Haven't they tried to come home?"

Hermione sighed, her heart clenching painfully. "Lily, can I tell you something that I've only told a very few amount of people… I haven't even told Remus."

"Of course you can, Hermione. You can tell me anything."

Hermione took a shaking breath and blew it out slowly, watching as it mussed the wispy locks of raven hair, "I Obliviated my parents in 1997. For the last five years, they've had no recollection of their lives in England. They don't remember the house we lived in, in Hampstead. They don't know they ever had a daughter. I packed away all of my personal belongings, altered every single picture that I was in, all but one. I kept one for myself. I Imperiused my mum and we went to the banks, the doctors offices, her advisors… I got all their records, closed their dental practice, and bought them a home in Australia."

Lily's hand came to rest on Hermione's knee, her cheeks wet with tears as she listened to Hermione regale the story of her greatest manipulation. A story she hadn't even told in full to Harry or Ron. The most detail they knew was that she had Obliviated her parents, given them false identities and moved them to Australia. She had never gone into the details of it with anyone before.

"I transferred all of their savings into the new accounts I had opened under the false names I had given them. Transfigured all of their records, every last document. Packed their belongings, shipped them off to Australia and then I wiped myself from their mind completely. I took away their lives, so that they would continue to have life. I returned to my house in Hampstead in June of 1998. I thought maybe I could go look for them… The house had been levelled. They would have died."

"Oh my God, Hermione," Lily whispered, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.

"I hope they're alive and well in Australia. So when I think about life without all this chaos, it's hard, you understand? Because I have no one left. The idea of getting them back… It's not likely."

"You could though!" Lily said, "It's not unheard of! Memory breeches happen all the time in Obliviations!"

"I was very thorough," Hermione said. "I removed any trace of myself from them. I completely changed who they are, down to their favorite foods. The chances of repairing their memories after being altered for years… It's next to none. But if it kept them safe, if they're alive and happy, I would do it again."

"I can't… I can't imagine what that must be like… To know you can't find them, can't go after them to check in…"

Hermione gave a slight shrug, trying to be careful not to disturb Harry. "Honestly? You push it out of your head and you don't think about it. Because if you do, it'll swallow you alive, and I can't afford for that to happen."

"I understand that," Lily said, leaning her head onto Hermione's shoulder. "My sister had a baby just a couple weeks before I had Harry. I still haven't seen him. My mum told me his name is Dudley. I don't think about Petunia much anymore though… If I do, it hurts, and I have other things to worry about hurting over. My own sister's jealousy over something that is out of my control isn't something I can afford to expend my energy on."

They fell back into silence that weighed heavier on each of them than it had before. Hermione absentmindedly patted Harry's bum as she found her mind drifting to thoughts of her parents. She knew they would have loved Lily and James. Her father would have, without a doubt, been rather skeptical of Sirius, but her mum would have loved him. She would have seen that Sirius was all bark and no bite; at least, not to people he cared about. It's Remus that her mother would have been apprehensive about. Her father would have loved him, he would have loved that Remus was well-read, intelligent and generous. He didn't try to be anyone he wasn't and while he had very little to offer financially, he had the brains to make up for it tenfold.

Her mother would have seen the way Remus made Hermione's knees weak. She would have seen the way her breath hitches everytime he comes near her, the way she sinks into his side when he wraps an arm around her. Helen Granger would have seen the way that Remus consumed every bit of Hermione's senses, and would have known that Hermione would do anything for him. And Helen Granger would know that anything that had the ability to ensnare her daughter in such a way, was dangerous.

A few hours passed and Lily had laid Harry in his crib for the night. Hermione agreed to stay the night, since James and Sirius always brought Remus back here after the moon to sleep it off until he was able to get up and either walk or Floo back to Hermione's cottage. Lily and Hermione stayed up late, well into the early morning hours, talking about their childhoods and comparing notes about muggles and the differences in the magical community. It was something Hermione really enjoyed doing with Lily, reminiscing about things like learning to ride a bicycle and playing checkers or going to the playground at the local parks. Things that children that had been brought up in the magical communities rarely experienced.

Finally, Hermione drifted off to sleep, curled up on her side on the sofa with her head pillowed in the nook of her arms. She knew Lily had set up the guest room for Remus, and she was welcome to sleep in the bed, but she wanted to hear them come in, just in case they needed the extra help. Lily had moved Harry into a small bassinet in her own room and placed a silencing charm so they wouldn't wake the baby when they came in.

Her dreams were pleasant, for the first time in weeks. Instead of odd bits of memories seeping through the cracks of her mind, she dreamt of sitting on the sofa, with Remus' arms wound tightly around her as they read a magazine and he whispered the words on the pages into her ear…

"Fuck!"

"Padfoot! Shut up! If you wake the baby I swear to Merlin, I will put you through another wall today!" James' voice hissed.

"Can you move the damn fern next time?! Even with the charm Moony weighs a ton! I can't carry him on my own!"

"Well if you wouldn't have been taunting him, I wouldn't have dislocated my shoulder! It's your own stupid fault!"

With some effort, Hermione's eyes blinked heavily. She sat up, stretching her arms above her head before standing and walking over to the small foyer where Sirius and James were trying to carry an unconscious Remus into the house.

"What'd you do to him?" Hermione asked, her brows pulling together. "Why is he unconscious?"

"What'd we do… We're struggling to drag a knocked out werewolf into the house and you ask what we did wrong?!" Sirius said, his eyes wide and his tone incredulous.

"Well I'd ask a different question if one of you were also knocked out, but considering you're lucid, I'm assuming you're fine? Aside from James' shoulder, that is."

"I'm gonna have a nasty bruise on my side," Sirius said. "He threw me into a tree!"

"You were taunting him!" James said.

"It's not my fault that since Moony's gone and got himself shagged regularly, he's no fun anymore! I was falling asleep! I just wanted him to chase us around a bit!" Sirius complained.

"Still doesn't answer my question," Hermione said, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Why is my boyfriend unconscious?"

"He got too rough with Pads," James said. "So I had to pin him. Once he calmed down, the sun came up and he… May have fallen through the floorboards…"

"Excuse me, he what?"

"I had to use a little force when I pinned him, you see… And hooves well… They do a bit of damage to weathered floorboards.. And he erm… He fell through mid-mid transformation…"

Hermione stared at James, a deadpan expression as she blinked slowly, trying to make sense of the ridiculous statement she had just heard. She noticed James' left shoulder hanging lower than the right, definitely dislocated… Finally she sighed and shook her head, moving ahead of them to open the bedroom door and help Sirius get Remus into the bed without causing any more damage. Once she did a quick check of Remus' vitals to make sure he wasn't severely injured, she turned to James.

"Come on," Hermione said, "I'll reset your shoulder."

They walked back into the living room and James looked at her expectantly, "What charm heals a-

"Oh no," Hermione chuckled. "Sorry James, the best way to do this is the Muggle way. There isn't really a spell to shove your arm back into the socket. Best if you lay down on your back."

James arched an eyebrow and looked at Sirius who shrugged and watched curiously. James lay on the floor on his back, whimpering a bit as his shoulder came into contact with the carpet. Hermione sat next to him, stretching her legs out and planting her feet just under his arm against his ribs.

"You arm… Keep it at a ninety degree angle, away from your body, if you don't mind." Hermione said, holding her hand out to him.

James huffed and groaned as she gripped his forearm just below his elbow. "Is this going to hurt?"

"Oh, I'm sure it won't be worse than any of the Quidditch injuries you've sustained!" Hermione said, "Now on the count of three. One… Two…"

On the two count Hermione launched herself backward, pulling James arm with her as she used her feet to anchor herself against him. James yelled out a strangled cry of pain and Sirius began laughing loudly.

"You said three! You said on three!" James angrily cried.

"It's never on the three count, mate!" Sirius said, "Haven't you learned that yet?"

"No! I don't make it a habit to need to be patched up all the time, thank you very much!" James groaned.

"You'll want to wear a sling, at least for the day," Hermione said, pulling herself to her feet. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed her medical bag from the table, pulling out a mild pain potion and a muscle strengthener. She tossed the vials to James, "Take these, it'll help. Keep your shoulder immobile, twenty four hours, yeah?"

"The ease at which you can harm me is unsettling," James said, narrowing his eyes at Hermione as he pulled the corks from the phials.

"Should have her work on your arm when it's been disintegrated! I told her that her bedside manner is absolute shit!" Sirius laughed.

Hermione shook her head, chuckling under her breath as she exited the living room and padded down the hall, pushing open the door to what used to be the room she had slept in for the short time she stayed at the cottage. Remus was still out cold, his face lax and his body laying heavy on the small bed. Hermione frowned as she looked over him. He looked okay, a few bruises and a small gashes on his shoulders and torso, but nothing out of the ordinary to suggest it was a rough transformation. She pressed the tip of her wand to his chest and muttered "Ennervate!"

Remus' eyes blinked rapidly as he took a deep breath. His hands flew to his face, covering it as he groaned, "Wha's 'appened?"

"James and Sirius said you fell through the floor mid transformation. Are you okay? Anything broken?" Hermione asked, using her wand to shine light into his eyes, watching his pupils as they dilated.

"I don't think so," Remus said. "I fell through the floor?"

"James had to pin you, apparently he was a bit rough about it and it caused some weakness in the floorboards. You're sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, no worse than normal," Remus said.

Hermione nodded, digging through her bag and pulling out the potions she had been giving him every month and a bar of chocolate. Remus took the phials from her, a sigh of relief as he emptied them into his mouth and swallowed them down. He smiled at the chocolate bar and took it from her, setting it on the small table next to the bed.

"Are you going to stay a while before you go home?" Remus asked.

"I can, if you like."

He nodded, "Yeah, I would prefer it."

Hermione smiled and put her bag on the floor next to the bed and used her wand to enlarge the mattress a bit. Remus shuffled over to the side, against the wall, and pulled the blankets back, holding them up and waiting for her to climb in. Hermione snuggled into his side, sighing in content as he pulled her onto his chest and wrapped both of his arms around her waist.

"Do you ever think about what life would be like if we weren't in the middle of a war?" Hermione murmured.

Remus' grip tightened around her momentarily, his face turning to bury into her hair. "Honestly? Not really. I didn't peg you as the daydreaming type."

"I'm not," Hermione said. "But Lily brought it up earlier and I can't help but wonder what life would be like without the constant worry."

"I don't like to think about it," Remus admitted. "Especially not now."

"Why not now?"

"Because if we weren't at war, I wouldn't have you." Remus said, simply. "We both know the only reason you're here right now is because the Order is still needed in 2001. If not for war, then why else? I'm not a total idiot, I can put two and two together. And… and the war takes so much from us. I know that. But… I… I know it sounds fucked up to say it, but it's given me a lot too."

Hermione listened intently, her breath coming in slow, shaking puffs against Remus' bare chest. Her fingers tracing through the sparse patches of hair that had grown between the scars. He was right. She knew that, and she couldn't blame him for feeling a little thankful for the war. Because she felt it too. Lord Voldemort and his completely backwards regime of blood purists and mob of torture hungry Death Eaters had taken so much from her, had taken so much from everyone she knew. But she'd be lying if she said that she wasn't at least a little thankful that things had played out like this.

Should she be thankful that she was cursed and would more than likely lose all sense of herself inside of a year and become a terrifying creature that feeds off of everyone's happiness? No. Of course she wasn't happy about it. But hadn't Dumbledore himself once told them all that happiness could be found even in the darkest of times? Was it wrong of her to try like hell to find at least a sliver of dim light in all the darkness?

She sighed, pressing a few soft kisses into his warm skin, "I don't think that sounds wrong at all."

.


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a/n: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it! Please leave a little review and let me know? Just a reminder, if you wanna join, I have a FB group! Mimifreed Writing! Also, big love to my alpha Mayghaen17 :)

xo

Mimi