Chapter 50: Friday, September 19, 1980
"I would rather spend only one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone."
-J. R. R. Tolkein
The last three days Hermione spent in a strange limbo of feeling overwhelmed with homesickness and stressed out from research. Ultimately, she was glad that Remus had taken the initiative to pull her across the street so that she could see her father and hear his voice. But the ache in her chest that had started on the bench in front of Granger Dental after Gene Granger left them on the footpath, had yet to subside. It had now turned into a longing to see the other people she considered family. She was crying far more frequently over the last few days, more than she had since leaving the tent she shared with Harry, the only other place she shed so many tears.
She missed him, Merlin did she miss him. Of course, Harry was here now, but she couldn't exactly have a proper conversation with an infant. She was desperate to hear him joke with her and have him tug on her curls when she was absorbed in her research and tell her that her hair is getting bigger from all the knowledge she was absorbing. She would give anything to have him make her a cuppa, perfect every time, and put it in front of her, careful not to slosh any over the sides and ruin any of the parchments. To hear Harry tell her he loved her, every single night before they went to sleep and every single morning upon waking. Watching as he cue'd and directed the Order's movement, acting as a conductor for a well synced Orchestra
And then there was Draco, and his ridiculous (and annoying, if she were being honest) ability to chat away about anything. She had never realized how much the Malfoy/Black heir talked while they were in school, but then again, it's not as if they were on friendly terms back then. She missed his mindless rambling, his constant picking at her, and his sarcastic comebacks. If she was stuck on a problem, or her research hit a stall, Draco knew the answer. And if he didn't, he knew how to get to it. She sighed, she could really use that right now.
Ron, Ginny, and Blaise she thought of constantly the last three days as well. While she and Ron weren't as close as they once had been, thanks to the decimation of their romantic relationship, they were still on good terms. And she missed his goofy laugh and how he always had something to say that would leave her in stitches from laughing so hard. She missed ice cream nights with Ginny when they could talk judgement free and the fiery Weasley daughter would tell her how to get her life together. She missed Blaise and his unyielding loyalty that had been won by Harry and extended to everyone in the house. His brilliance with elemental transfiguration and his ability to lighten the room with a well placed compliment and a beaming grin.
Hermione missed her best friends- desperately missed them. And while she had come to the conclusion that his parents made a lovely stand-in and Sirius grated her nerve in the exact same way that Draco did… It just wasn't the same.
The days felt long but the weeks were short, and with each passing one, Hermione came closer to her eventual demise. She wondered if she would start to notice a difference in her magic, anytime soon. She had made a habit of checking her levels, and so far, the depletion of her magical core had been miniscule- barely dipping a point or two. Harry's had regressed so much faster than hers and it didn't make any sense…
With the curse being directly coded for muggleborn magical signatures, why would it take so long for her to turn? Surely they would want the transformation to happen quickly? She remembered that it had to do with the strength of magical cores, some being naturally weaker than others, but surely Harry's was strong? He had defeated a megalomaniac of a Dark Lord at seventeen for Merlin's sake! He was a halfblood! Surely his magic was more powerful than her own? But perhaps that was the point of it all? Drag out the suffering, the fear, the pain, as long as possible until the infected had ruined their own mind with worry and panic before consuming them into darkness?
Hermione sighed, scrubbing her face with her hands and rubbing at her heavy eyes. Sleep had become harder than ever to reach in the last few days as memories found their way to the surface in her dreams. She dreamt of a conversation she had with Harry after Sirius had died, dreamt of talking to Harry in the tent, about Sirius and how he wished Sirius was with them. She had a memory from her third year at Hogwarts, her boggart appearing as Minerva McGonagall telling her she was a failure.
The conversation that took place after class that day, after some of the kids in her year had made jokes and snide comments about "even her boggart is a swot." It had been Remus- well, Professor Lupin, she supposed- who had asked her to hang back after the lesson. His words resonated in her mind still…
"They try to make you feel bad about your fears because they don't understand what it feels like to be terrified of failing in a world that you feel you don't belong. In a world that has gone above and beyond itself to make sure you feel that way."
"They think I'm just afraid of bad marks," Hermione answered, her voice small and her eyes full of tears.
"They will never understand the fear you feel, Hermione." Professor Lupin said, "But, I do. If you need to talk about it, my door is always open for you, anytime of day."
Those words stuck with her, even as the image of Remus, unmoving and pale on the stone floor of the Great Hall, was burned into the back of her eyelids shattered her heart in half and woke her from her slumber at four this morning. She had been so shaken that she woke Remus, sighing in relief when his eyes fluttered open and he grumbled in irritation at being woken so suddenly. The moment he saw the tears in her eyes, he had pulled her onto his chest and she had drifted back to sleep with the sound of his heart beat, steady and strong reminding her that she was in 1980 and right now, Remus Lupin was a twenty-year-old man who was very much alive and healthy.
Between the disturbing fragments of memories and the ache of missing home, she wondered again, if she should just return. This month she didn't have to do the ritual. She could disappear and try to move on, perhaps Draco could help her figure out a way to prolong her existence as a witch instead of a soul-sucking humanoid. But she knew that no matter how many times the thought crossed her mind to leave, the moment Remus turned those green and gold eyes towards her and asked her to stay- she would.
Hermione looked up from the page she was scanning and checked the clock. It was half four and Remus had made her promise to come to James and Lily's at five o'clock. She sighed and shoved away the parchments, it wasn't like she was getting anything done of importance today anyway, besides wallowing in pity. She tidied up the table and stepped down the hall and into the bedroom, pulling on a pair of ill-fitting jeans, why did all of the clothes in this time look so terrible on her? ...and one of Remus' many Beatles t-shirts. She tied the shirt in a knot at her waist so it wasn't so incredibly baggy on her and pulled her hair into a bun on the top of her head, rolling her eyes at her own reflection as several errant curls decided they were better off sticking up from her head than in the elastic band. She slipped on her trainers and grabbed her wand, pulling on a light jacket before exiting the house and walking over to James and Lily's.
The minute she entered, her nose was met with the smell of vanilla and a few other spices she couldn't quite place. She took in a deep breath through her nose, her eyes fluttering closed as she slipped her shoes off and entered the living room.
She looked around in confusion as she saw Lily and Sirius smiling up at her, pointy, paper party hats stuck on the tops of their heads. Harry was in Sirius' arms, wearing a similar hat, albeit much smaller, and making soft cooing sounds at his godfather. Lily smiled brightly, standing from the sofa and wrapping her in a hug.
"Happy Birthday!" Lily said.
"It's not my birthday…" Hermione said, her brows pulled together in confusion. "My birthday is September-
"Nineteenth," Lily interrupted. "Yes, I know. That's today, love."
"Is it?" Hermione asked, her mouth twisting down. "I didn't realize."
"Clearly," Sirius said. "Come to your own party dressed like that!"
"Party? No. No, Lily, you didn't! Please I don't-
"She tried," Remus said, coming out from the kitchen and into the living room. He was wearing an apron that looked to have a fair bit of flour on it. He took off the oven mitts on his hands and tucked them into the string tied around his waist. "I told her you'd be absolutely cross with us if we had a big party like you did for me. So, I won't embarrass you like that."
Hermione chuckled at the small jab, knowing he was still irritated that they had gotten one over on him. "I seem to remember at the end of that night, you were quite grateful for your gifts and party," she said, a coy smile on her lips.
Sirius barked out a laugh and Remus rolled his eyes, the red of his cheeks giving away his embarrassment. "Yes, yes. Let's not talk about my birthday, that was months ago. It's your birthday. And for your birthday, James made dinner and I made you a cake and we'll have a nice evening in."
"You baked me a cake?" She asked.
"Oh act surprised, why don't you!" Sirius laughed, "He bakes for you more than he's ever baked for any of us!"
Remus rolled his eyes, "You don't kiss me, so you don't deserve the sweets."
As if it were a challenge, Sirius jumped up from the couch, shifting Harry into Lily's arms and shoving Hermione out of the way. He roughly grabbed the back of Remus' neck and pulled him down to his height, kissing him soundly on the mouth. James entered the living room and tilted his head, looking over the scene in confusion as Hermione and Lily both laughed.
"I thought you two were over this phase?" James asked, "Had a bit of a thing with kissing one another in sixth year."
"Did they?" Hermione said, her eyebrows shooting into her hairline, "That… That actually explains a few things."
"Get off me, Pads!" Remus grumbled, shoving Sirius off of him. "For fuck's sake!"
"There! I kissed you! I want a cake for my birthday. Pistachio, if you please. With that really fluffy icing that you make and the crushed nuts on top."
"We're gonna talk about this again later," Hermione said, wiggling her finger between them. "I have questions."
Lily nearly choked as she was laughing so hard, which in turn, scared Harry and caused him to cry.
"Look at what you've done! Your kissing made my child cry!" James said, walking over to Lily to scoop Harry into his arms. "Shh, it's okay love. It used to make me cry, too."
"Oh shut up," Sirius said. "It wasn't as if you weren't kissed, too!"
"Oh?" Hermione said, her voice raising a few octaves as she laughed. "The plot thickens!"
"No, it doesn't!" Remus said, irritably. "There was no plot. We were young and stupid and Padfoot was kissing anything that moves. Not that that has changed much."
"Oi! Rude!" Sirius laughed.
Remus rolled his eyes and bent down to kiss Hermione, his arms pulling her closer to his chest as her palms landed against his waist. When they broke away from one another, James and Sirius had returned to the kitchen and Lily was walking down the hall toward Harry's room, humming a song to the baby.
Despite the last several days being heavy with emotion and doubt for her, this night had turned out to be absolutely lovely. James had made an amazing dinner of salmon with risotto and roasted vegetables and an amazing lemon and butter sauce. Hermione had been made to sit at the table with Lily and a glass of her favorite wine while Remus, Sirius, and James cleaned up. Usually, after dinner, they rarely used magic to clean up. Lily preferred to do it the muggle way and it was a habit that had trickled into daily life between the small group.
Remus set the table with small white plates and new forks, stopping when he got to Hermione to kiss her a few times before he continued setting the table. He then brought a massive cake over on a large, round pedestal. The cake had three layers, from what Hermione could tell. Each layer was separated by layers of a thick cream and what looked to be raspberries. The top of the cake was adorned with swooping dollops of cream and artfully placed berries and sugared violets. It was, in Hermione's opinion, the most beautiful cake she had ever seen and she had to hold back a chuckle as she wondered if Remus had ever shown this ability to create baked goods in such quality to Molly Weasley.
"Remus," Hermione said, her eyes large as he pulled his hands away from the pedestal. "This is… This is beautiful!"
Her eyes found his and he smiled sheepishly, his cheeks tinted pink. "Thanks."
"Will you tell us what it is now?" Sirius whined, "It's been all damn day! He won't tell us the flavors or anything! Kept saying it was a surprise for you and that we'd find out when you got here!"
Hermione chuckled as Remus rolled his eyes, "Yes. It's vanilla and cardamom chiffon with sugared violets and sweetened raspberries. I put some fresh ones on there too… And the pastry cream is vanilla."
"I don't know what any of those words mean, mate." James said, "But it looks delicious."
Hermione's smile broadened as Lily produced a single candle, handing it to Remus to place in the center of the cake. "I know it's more of a muggle tradition," Lily said. "But I think you should make a wish on your birthday."
"I haven't blown a birthday candle out in ages," Hermione laughed.
"Muggles have the strangest superstitions," Sirius laughed. "Why would you blow out a candle? What does that even do besides ensure that a little bit of your spit ends up on the cake?!"
Lily rolled her eyes, "Because marking your children at the age of sixteen to serve a Dark Lord is a far more suitable way to celebrate a birthday?"
"Evans!" Sirius gasped, "That's a low blow!"
James smacked Sirius across the back of his head, "Shut up, would you? The more you keep talking the longer we have to wait to eat this."
Remus smiled, looking rather pleased with himself and the outcome of the gorgeous cake he had created. He planted the candle in the center of the cake and lit it with a wandless flame. Hermione sank into her chair, laughing and covering her face in embarrassment as they all sang Happy Birthday to her, every single person singing it at a different pace and completely off key, likely to elicit laughter between them all.
When they finished, Hermione pushed up from her chair leaning over the cake and closed her eyes as she let the first thing she could think of come to mind: I wish Remus were in my own time. She knew, as her mind supplied the silly wish that it obviously could not happen. That they would not live together, happily ever after with a couple of children in a world of peace. But it couldn't hurt to wish for it on her birthday candle, anyway.
Remus sliced the cake and dished it out, serving himself last and taking his seat next to Hermione. There was a collective groan of appreciation as they all tucked in to the sweet, floral, sponge and Hermione looked out the side of her eyes to see Remus trying to hide a smile at their reactions.
The night wore on and they spent a few hours sipping on Firewhiskey and playing old muggle board games that Lily and Hermione had bought for their own "girl's nights" when Sirius, James, and Remus went to the Shrieking Shack for the full moons. Hermione laughed as James and Sirius began wrestling one another over a property in Monopoly and found herself in stitches again when they both tackled Remus when he won. After they played another round, which Lily had won, and Sirius had declared he would never play "this rubbish fucking game" again, they Remus and Hermione said their goodbyes for the evening.
Remus slung his arm over Hermione's shoulders, pulling her into his side as they walked toward their home. She couldn't help the smile on her face at the way the evening had turned out. She had needed it, after the intense emotional state she had been lingering in over the last few days.
"Spill it," Hermione said as they dawdled on the footpath, taking their time to enjoy the cool air that indicated the beginning of autumn.
"Spill what?"
"You are quite pleased with how your cake turned out. What was the reasoning behind the flavors. I'm not complaining, it was the most magnificent thing I think I've ever eaten, but I know you, Remus Lupin, I know there was a reason you chose those flavors."
Remus chuckled, "There was."
"So, spill it." Hermione pressed.
"I tried to bake something that felt like springtime," he began. "I know it's autumn, but you remind me of spring. All the most beautiful things happen in spring. New flowers bloom, the grass turns green again, the rain nourishes the earth… You are the beauty in the winter of my life, the sunshine and flowers. I wanted to give you something that showed that, but I didn't know what to give you. So I made it."
Hermione had stopped walking, her eyes filling again, this time with tears of joy and her chest swelling as her heart fluttered. She stepped in front of him, the toes of her trainers kissing the tips of his boots and wrapped her arms around his waists, pressing the side of her face into his chest as she hugged him tightly.
"I love you," she whispered.
She felt his arms wrap around her neck as he kissed the top of her head, "I love you."
They stood for several moments in silence as she listened to his heart beat against his sternum and she wished more than anything that he could come with her when she left, that it wouldn't completely ruin everything for him to leave and come back with her and grow old with her and never have to face any of the hardships she knew were waiting for him in the coming years.
"I have another gift for you though," he whispered into her hair.
"Do you?"
"Mhm," he hummed, pulling away from her and grabbing her hand to pull her toward the house.
When they entered, they kicked off their shoes and hung up the jackets before Remus pulled her toward their bedroom. Hermione bit back a smile, having a decent idea of what his second present entailed. She felt the fluttering in her belly as the apex of her thighs grew warm with anticipation. Remus opened the bedroom door and pulled her in, guiding her to the edge of their magically enlarged bed and pressed lightly on her shoulders. She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, this was not what she had been anticipating.
"I'll be right back," he promised, exiting the room.
Hermione pulled her feet up onto the bed, folding her legs in front of her as she leaned forward, pressing her elbows into her thighs. She listened as Remus rummaged around in the spare room and she wondered what on earth he was doing. The only thing they used that room for anymore was to hold the more complex brews of potions that required days and weeks of steeping and curing before they were complete. Remus had even moved his clothes into her closet in their shared room, since he had never once slept in the spare room, despite insisting that they should have separate bedrooms.
A few minutes later, Remus entered the room again, closing the door behind him and smiling. Hermione suddenly felt very nervous and she straightened her back up, her feet sliding back down to dangle above the floor.
"Remus?" she asked, her eyes narrowing at him.
"I know we said no proposals," he began. "So that's not what this is. But I can't think of something better to give you to explain how I feel about you, how I just want you to be mine for as long as you can be."
He stuck his fist out toward her and turned his hand so his palm was facing up as his fingers uncurled. In the center of his hand was a beautiful ring with a small, tear drop shaped diamond. Hermione stared at it, her breath caught in her throat as she looked at the ring in his hand.
"I know it isn't much," he said. "But, it's my mums, and that felt significant."
"You…" Hermione's mouth felt dry and she smacked her tongue against the ridges in the roof to try and rid the sandpaper feeling on her tongue. "You're giving me your mother's ring?"
Remus nodded, "Yeah," he shifted uncomfortably. "If you don't… If you don't want it… Fuck. It's weird isn't it? I knew it was weird! I told James it would be weird and he said it wouldn't be! Bloody fucking romantic he is! Goddammit. If you don't… Hermione, you don't have to accept it if it's too much or if it's too weird… I fucking knew it. I knew I should just get a bracelet or something but Pads and Prongs both-
"Remus," Hermione interrupted, her heart rate finally slowing a bit as the tightness in her chest loosened. "I… I don't know what to say."
"You hate it."
"No!" She cried, picking up the ring from his palm and inspecting it. "No, I don't. It's beautiful. Really, it is! I just…. I have to leave, one day. You know that don't you?"
"I know. You keep… You keep bringing it up and… And I just… I need you to know-
"Next Halloween." Hermione said, swallowing thickly.
"What?"
"October 31, 1981. That's the day I have to be gone by, it's the day I vowed to be back on or before. I can't stay past next Halloween."
"Next Halloween."
The look on his face was tortured for a minute, his eyes flash gold and quickly shifted back into green as his throat bobbed with a swallow. He took a slow breath and fell to his knees before her, his hands on hers, fingers curling around her palms. "That's… That's only just over a year!" Remus said, his voice desperate and pained.
"I know," she whispered.
He stared at her, his gaze intense as his nostrils flared slightly, his jaw tightening causing the muscle in his face to tick upward. "Then we will… We'll have to make the most of it, won't we? We'll figure out how to usurp the vow and… and I'll just have to show you a lifetime's worth of my love in… in a year."
Hermione sighed and puffed out a frustrated laugh as tears spilled over her eyes again, "I'm tired of crying," she admitted, wiping her face with the heel of her palm.
"I don't want to see you cry," Remus said. "Just… Just take the ring, and we can pretend for the next year that we belong to each other. Maybe we can figure out the vow, but… I'm yours, and you're mine until then."
"Hermione nodded, "I have a question."
"Anything, love."
She sniffled again and took in a deep breath, "I… I overheard at the end of July… And I wasn't going to bring it up. But I just… I'm…" She took a heaving breath trying to steady her nerves. "I'm your mate, aren't I?"
Remus paled, his hands dropping from hers and he stood up, stumbling backward. "I… How did you-
"I overheard you and Sirius after you were attacked. The day I came to bring you home from Dorcas'."
"I didn't mean to!" Remus said, suddenly his tone of voice shook with terror. "I didn't mean to! Fucking Moony, stupid fucking wolf. Oh, shut up! This stupid arsehole," he jabbed his temple with his index finger. "...He's claimed you. He's decided your his- ours- and I can't… I don't know how I can apologize! I never meant for it to happen! It just did and I-
"Remus!" Hermione said, standing from the bed and walking toward him. "Remus, calm down!"
"I'll take the ring back," he said. "I know you don't want it now. Jesus… fuck, I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I thought-
"Will you stop?" Hermione said, reaching out to hold his wrists, "Stop, please."
Remus stilled, looking at her. His face twisted with disgust and she knew it was aimed at himself. She dropped his wrist, the ring leaving an imprint into his skin and she held the gold and diamond up between the pads of her thumb and index finger. Remus moved to grab the ring and she yanked it from his reach. His hand fell back to his side and he knit his eyebrows together, his head tilting slightly. Hermione dropped his other wrist and slipped the ring over her left ring finger.
"I want to be with you," she said. "I'm choosing you. And whether that's because of some unexplainable pull from your lycanthropy or the stars have aligned just right… I'm yours and you're mine."
Remus took a long breath, chewing over what she said before he rushed forward and collected her in his arms, lifting her from the ground and kissing her thoroughly. She laughed into his mouth and pressed several kisses to his lips before he finally put her down. When her feet touched the ground again Remus took a step back, smiling at her.
"I have one last gift for you," he said. "The cake and the ring is nice, I'm glad you like them. But I think you'll appreciate this one much more."
"Okay…" Hermione said, apprehensively.
"One minute!"
Remus dashed from the room again and Hermione shook her head, chuckling under her breath as she sat back down on the bed. She held her hand out in front of her, looking at the diamond as it sparkled in the soft light of the room. It was modest, but it was definitely her taste. She could never imagine a large princess cut diamond on her hand, like Lily's. This little teardrop was perfect in every way and the longer she stared at it, the more her heart swelled.
The weight of the world felt lighter for once. She had finally told someone the date she had to depart, she was finally able to talk about it, to tell him her fears about the impending date and how something so trivial as a silly autumnal holiday could make her stomach knot and twist. And then to tell him she knew about the conversation between him and Sirius… She still wasn't exactly sure what being a werewolf's mate entailed, but now that she knew it was true, she could research it and figure it out.
Either way, she would be with Remus.
Moments later, Remus came back into the room, his smile broadening. Her eyebrow arched in question and he laughed, "Expecto Patronum."
"Remus, I know you can-
"Just wait," he said.
She watched as the massive wolf sat, staring at her patiently. She was about to ask what the hell this was about when she gasped, and then laughed. Through the door came a doe, a stag, and a playful dog. All of the silvery animals lined up next to the wolf and sat, waiting for her acknowledgement.
"You learned how to do it?!" Hermione said, her eyes going wide, "All of you?! You learned-
"Happy Birthday, Hermione!" James, Lily, and Sirius' voice rang in the room before their Patronus disappeared, along with Remus'.
Remus closed the space between them, wedging himself between her knees and stooping low to place his lips on hers, slowly guiding her back to the mattress as he covered her with his body. His hands slipping under the cotton of her t-shirt and his mouth on the spot below her ear.
"Happy Birthday, love."
.
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a/n: I hope you liked this one! Let me know in the reviews?!
xo
