Chapter 66: Sunday, March 22, 1981

"Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy."

-Warren Wiersbe


The smell of something warm and spicy hit her nose as Hermione entered her home. She slipped her shoes and cloak off by the door and stepped carefully into the living room.

"Sirius? Is that you? I didn't know you'd be back already, whatever you're warming smells amazing."

"Have I been gone so long that you don't even think of me first when you smell biscuits baking, now?" Remus' voice carried from the doorway as he stepped into the living room, a tea towel thrown over his shoulder and a bit of flour on his shirt.

"You're home!" Hermione nearly shouted in surprise, bounding across the living room and launching herself into his arms. "How long have you been back? You should have owled!"

Remus smiled and happily accepted the tackle on his person as Hermione's weight slammed into him. He wrapped her tightly in his arms, her feet dangling off the ground, and pressed his face into the nape of her neck—taking a long, slow inhale before pressing a lingering kiss to the skin there.

"Just a few hours. Got back earlier this evening, met with Dumbledore, came home and you weren't here so I popped into James and Lily's. They said you've been given an assignment that takes up your day on sundays now…?"

Hermione nodded, "Yeah. Boring stuff—just brewing and research really. But, tell me what happened. You were gone nearly two months Remus, I was worried sick!"

He set her back on the floor and stooped over, capturing her lips with his. She melted instantly into his kiss, the feel of his scruff scratching her chin and his tongue licking her bottom lip, sending her heartbeat into a frenzy. She wondered if she would ever get used to it; the absolutely magnetic pull she felt to him. Wondered if that's how James and Lily felt? Or Draco and Ginny? Blaise and Harry? Did they, also, understand what it felt like to have a kiss simultaneously ruin and restore you?

Kissing Remus was like having the air from her lungs taken and given at the time. With every pull of his lips, massage of his tongue, he breathed life into her and stole her ability to think clearly. And, it had been nearly two months since she had felt this. She had so many questions whizzing around her mind— namely, why the hell was he gone so long?! But, when she stumbled backward, hitting the back of the sofa as Remus continued to consume her, she decided the questions could wait. The heat pooling between her thighs seemed far more pressing of an issue, than the questions she had been sitting on for weeks.

She gasped when Remus pulled away, shoving her hair from her neck and replacing it with his mouth. His tongue traced lines into her skin as his teeth nipped and grazed over it. A shiver tore up Hermione's spine, taking in a sharp breath when Remus fisted her curls in his hand. He pulled her head back, his lips moving from her throat to hover above her own as he stared down at her, his eyes tracing the planes of her face.

"Merlin, you are so damn beautiful," He whispered, nails biting into her scalp just enough to make her head tingle. "I fucking missed you."

Hermione bit her kiss-swollen lip and smiled up at him, pushing up on her tiptoes to plant small kisses against the underside of his chin. "I missed you too."

Remus stared down at her for several beats, his eyes intense and full of something she wasn't quite sure of. He felt far more wild than he normally did—as if it were the night before the moon and not two days after. She supposed that was probably due to being with other Werewolves for the last two months, but she couldn't be sure. Whatever it was, it seemed to be consuming him, but she couldn't complain. She blinked against the severe gaze that bore into her, and his lips fell back onto her own. His hands trailed from her hair, down her back and onto her bum, squeezing it as he pulled her flush against him. Hermione's hands fell to the hem of his shirt and pulled at it, begging to touch his skin— to feel him blazing against her, his fingers tracing patterns only he knew and his mouth trailing fiery hot kisses that burned into her very soul.

She rucked the cotton of his T-shirt up his abdomen, her hands warming instantly at the inferno that was Remus' skin. Littered with slices of puckered silvery-pink tissue and faded white lines that stood out against the light tan and the smattering of freckles across his chest and shoulders. He pulled the fabric over his head and tossed it to the side, giving his overly-shaggy mop of sandy waves a shake before surging forward to claim her mouth again.

His kisses were rough and urgent— all gnashing tongues and teeth. He nipped at her lips and soothed the bites with his tongue before delving into her mouth, tasting her and demanding control.

He pulled back again, nearly tearing her jumper from her shoulders, yanking it roughly up over her head. His mouth fell to her collarbone, his hands shoving the thin, lacy material of her bra down to expose her breasts. He made his way down her chest with hot, open mouthed kisses as he plucked at her nipples and massaged her breasts. Hermione wrapped her arms around his neck, gripping into his shoulders and kissing his jawline— sucking and nipping up to the spot just below his ear and grazing her teeth over his earlobe.

She could hear him suppress a guttural groan as his hands slid to the button on her jeans, pulling at it and shoving the denim down her thighs. A hand left her breast and dove straight beneath the cotton of her knickers and began toying with her clit. Hermione whimpered and moaned. The contact after two months without, being nearly enough to send her over right here, half dressed in her living room. Her hips bucked forward and he slid a finger into her entrance.

"Shit," Remus groaned, pressing a rough kiss to her throat.

Hermione let out a breathy whine in response, her back arching, pressing her chest against him. He slipped another finger inside of her and she cried out, her hips rushing forward to meet his hand as his fingers pumped in and out of her. Her nails dug into his shoulders and her head fell back, as the coil that sat low in her belly tightened and tightened with every strum of his fingers against the sensitive spot inside of her.

"Remus, please!" Hermione gasped, "More, I need more!"

He responded with a husky puff of laughter and a wet kiss to her collar bone before he pulled his hand from her core and gripped her bum. She gave a small jump and he placed her on the back of the sofa before yanking her jeans the rest of the way off. Hermione's hands fell to the buckle on his tattered old corduroys and quickly slid the little nickel button through the loop, pulling his zipper down and shoving the worn fabric down his hips.

Remus shoved his trousers and pants halfway down his thighs before pulling Hermione's knickers to the side and lining himself up to her entrance. She gasped when he snapped his hips forward and pushed into her, his hands landing on her waist to hold her in place as he sank into her.

There was nothing that could explain the feeling of having Remus inside of her. It was more than just joining their bodies—it was the coupling of their souls. Hermione knew, should she ever say it out loud, that it sounded absolutely asinine. Like some lovesick teenager that had never known anything but happy days and friendship. But that's what made it so perfect with Remus— that's what made it so sweet and raw and real.

Remus was not a bright eyed boy who had never known pain. And Hermione was not a bushy tailed girl who had her life handed to her. No. They both intimately knew pain, anger, and sadness. They both knew exactly what it was to experience true loneliness; to be in the eye of a storm that looked as if it would never pass. They were tethered together by their pain, by their understanding and their need. Her soul craved him when he was gone, like a limb was missing, she could never function quite right when he was away from her.

A moan shook through her, loud and gritty, as Remus continued to pump into her at a furious pace, his hips snapping in quick succession and his fingers holding her in a bruising grip. She wrapped her legs around him in an attempt to pull him closer, deeper, to her. Remus seemed to understand as he shifted his stance and wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her flush against him as he thrust into her.

The air was filled with nothing but the sound of breathy moans, rough growls, and slapping flesh. Remus swore in Welsh over and over as he rocked against her, and Hermione exalted him with a variety of expletive laced praises.

Sweat beaded in her hairline, Remus' neck damp with it, when he pushed her over the edge of euphoria. Her head fell back, eyes fluttering shut as her thighs shook and her toes curled. The sound that pulled from her throat was nearly a sob as she yelled out, unintelligible words ringing in deaf ears as Remus followed her over the edge with a few more jerks of his hips and a loud growl, muffled only by the soft skin of her shoulder as he bit into it.

When the swirling of galaxies slowed behind her eyes and her the tightness in her pelvis turned to jelly, leaving her altogether boneless, Hermione took in a few slow, deep breaths and pressed small kisses to the side of Remus' head.

"Holy shit," Remus breathed.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed, unable to articulate anything better.

"That was…"

"Yeah."

Remus chuckled and pressed a kiss to the side of Hermione's neck. "Shower?"

"That would…that would probably be a good idea."


After they showered and got dressed in comfortable clothes, Hermione and Remus sat on the sofa, snuggled under a blanket, eating the biscuits Remus had just pulled from the oven when Hermione got home. She was curious to know what happened while he was gone, but she was enjoying the ability to just sit and be with him after not having him around the last two months. She had simply missed his presence, missed being near him and the way she fit perfectly tucked into his side, or chest, or lap. They nibbled quietly at the biscuits, exchanging a few soft spoken "I love yous" or "I missed yous" and let the seconds tick by as they ignored the looming discussion.

Finally, when Hermione felt like she could breathe again, her brain quieted enough to see that Remus was here, alive and okay, she turned a bit in the seat to crane her neck up at him.

"You were gone for two months," she said, her voice soft as her eyes studied his face.

"I know," he said. "I wanted to come home sooner, but I had to stay."

"What happened?"

He sighed, "Do we have to talk about it tonight?"

Hermione thought about it for a moment before shaking her head, "No, I suppose not."

Remus turned his head and looked down his nose, his brows pulling together, "Really?"

Hermione gave a small shrug before sinking back into his side. "I'd like to know what happened, but if you don't want to talk about it until later, I'm okay with that. I'm just glad you're home."

She could practically feel his eyes staring holes of disbelief into the side of her face and he huffed out a breath, "I wasn't able to secure any allies."

"No?"

"No," he confirmed. "I spent the last two months trying to infiltrate domestic packs, but they want nothing to do with me. I think they know who I am— one of the nastier packs called me Dumbledore's lapdog and attacked me."

Hermione sat up straighter, turning to look at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, m'fine. The Alpha got a few good hits in, but it's nothing I couldn't heal myself. Word is getting out with who is involved with The Order though, they've seen us all too many times at too many different scenes. Anyone that's aligned themselves with Voldemort knows to look out for us—not to mention the Dementors."

"The Dementors?"

Remus nodded, "They're everywhere out there now. They're supposed to be under Ministry rule right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it's basically proof that the Ministry is corrupt, isn't it? I used a Patronus at least fifteen times while I was in hiding last month, moving from den to den. They're all over the place. The werewolves have even said they've seen them in unpopulated areas! One bloke I talked to from a pack near Essex said that he's seen at least three of them. Just gliding about the main street in the muggle town he scrounges in."

"Have they mentioned any disappearances on their end?" Hermione asked.

"No, not that I'm aware of, anyway. Can a werewolf even be turned?"

Hermione shrugged, "I don't know. In theory, it looks as if the curse can affect anyone with a different magical signature than a pure or halfblood. We interpreted that to mean anyone who wasn't fully human as well, but we could be wrong. I feel like all of my research is a constant toss up."

"You said Dumbledore has you doing more research, is it about the journal?" Remus asked, tightening his hold on Hermione as she sank back into his side.

"It started off that way…"

"But now?" Remus asked.

"A memory potion," she admitted. "I've been…I've been working with Snape."

Remus sat up again, pulling away from her knitted his brows together, "I'm sorry, you've been working with Snivellus?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "You aren't a child anymore, petty name calling—"

"Hermione! He's a Death Eater! It's hardly the worst thing I could call him!"

"He's defected. Besides, Dumbledore trusts him."

Remus let out a snort, "Yeah? And since when do you give a shit about what Dumbledore thinks?"

Hermione scowled, "I don't. Maybe it's more about what I know and less about what Dumbledore thinks."

Remus stared at her for several moments, his eyes dancing around her face as he put the pieces together. He gave his head a small shake, "I still don't like it."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not fond of it myself, but I have very limited options."

Remus sighed, finally settling back against the cushions again and pulled Hermione against his chest. He pressed his face to her hair and she could feel him breathe her scent in, his lips pressing to her scalp.

"If we can figure out a way to break the vow, you won't have to rush against a time frame for answers."

Hermione made a noncommittal sound to acknowledge that she had heard him, but her mind was beginning to whirl. She hadn't had the chance to really talk to him yet, to tell him that she had been researching the Vow, that she had asked around and read books and went through every tome she could find on the subject. She wanted nothing more than to be able to tell Remus that she had found an answer and that she would be able to stay here with him.

In reality, she knew it wasn't likely to work, even if she did stay. The laws of time travel were already convoluted at best, but to stay in a world where she would grow up—she couldn't wrap her mind around the paradox it would create. She had done her fair share of reading on the subject since her arrival, finding muggle theory books to be the most compelling and to hold the most plausible answers, but even then—they were theory. When it came down to it, she simply had no idea what may happen if she stayed.

She sighed, adjusting in her seat to turn and look at Remus. Now was as good as any to have this conversation, she supposed.

"I've...I've been doing a bit of research, where the vow is concerned," she began.

Remus pulled an eyebrow up on his forehead and gave her a quizzical look, "And?"

Hermione stared into her lap, her fingers twisting into the blanket and she tried to focus on the feel of the yarn beneath her fingertips. "The only way I can break the vow is by death. I have to return, Remus. There's nothing I can do."

Remus' mouth twisted down to the side and he bit into his cheek, his face pained and his shoulders sagged, "There has to be—"

"Vow fulfillment or death. Those are my options."

"But you could come back, couldn't you? You could just...just go to your original time to fulfill the vow and then just…turn around and come back, right?"

"I could," Hermione reasoned.

"But?"

Now or never, Granger, she thought, taking a slow breath to calm her nerves. She had to tell him, didn't she? She had to tell him that there was a reason, and that she wanted more than anything to stay…but, she couldn't. Because even if she did, it wouldn't be her who was left here, come November.

"I...I have to tell you something…and I need you to understand that I never wanted to lie about it—I just..I had to at first. And then you came in all..tall and-and handsome and brilliant and—"

"Hermione, what are you talking about?" Remus asked, his face pinched with concern.

"Right, just…hang on."

Hermione stood from the sofa and made her way into the spare room, pulling the worn leather journal full of curses and potions off the top of the stack on the desk and flipped it open to the last few pages. She had read the pages over and over in the last two years; she had scribbled and traced and outlined every word on the pages, looking for answers in half completed potions recipes and complicated curse building.

On the back pages, a crude drawing of a cloaked figure, blackened eye sockets and a grotesque mouth that hung open in starvation. At the top of the page the words scribbled in the neat scrawl she would now be able to recognize anywhere as Antonin Dolohov's script, For Mudbloods.

She sat on the sofa, angled slightly away from Remus, although their knees still brushed against each other. She handed him the open journal, watching his face as he took it from her. His eyes roamed over the clumsy illustration and he furrowed his brows as he shook his head.

"I've seen this before…I don't…I don't understand."

Hermione took in a slow, shaking breath and closed her eyes for a moment before looking back up at Remus. He was staring at her, his eyes wide and full of questions and confusion. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly very dry as she tried to explain to him what he was looking at.

"I…I didn't come here just to observe and look for answers. You have to understand, if I didn't have to lie to you about it, I wouldn't have! I would have told you so much sooner but the cat's out of the bag now and…"

"Hermione, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

"It's me," she murmured.

Remus stared at her for what felt like an eternity, and she could see the moment it clicked into place. "You…you're…it wasn't someone else who was cursed? It was you?"

Hermione nodded and Remus scrubbed his face with his hand, resting it over his open mouth. His eyes darted back and forth, tracing her face, and he began to shake his head.

"No. No. No...that doesn't…you aren't one of them!"

"Not yet. But, I will be."

"So stay and let me help you! God, Hermione, if you would have just told me sooner we could have worked together. You don't have to go back, I can help! I can—"

"Remus, you have to understand. If I stay here or if I go back, it doesn't matter! I'll be transforming into one of those…those things and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to go back! I can't stay here and turn and leave them all wondering."

"No, you'll just leave me behind!"

"It's not—"

"Who cursed you? Who did this?"

"It wasn't me who got hit with the curse!" Hermione said, her eyes filling with tears as Remus' calm edge began to slip into anger and her heart began to thud wildly in her chest. "I took it from someone else!"

"What the fuck are you on about?"

"He was dying!" Hermione said, her voice raising, desperate to get Remus to just understand. "He was dying and it needed something living to attach itself to and I—I couldn't just let him die! I don't have anyone...I don't have anyone else...and he…I couldn't let him die."

"So in your time, you have a boyfriend who is waiting for you? That you risked your life for and you're going to turn into one of these creatures for? And then you come here and—"

"No!" Hermione said, shaking her head vehemently, her wrist burning in warning. "No, it's not like that!"

"What's it like then?" Remus spat.

"It was Harry, Remus! It was Harry who took the curse. He shoved me out of the way and took the curse so that I wouldn't have to and he was dying. I don't have anyone else, do you understand that? I have Harry, and I've only ever had Harry! And then he was dying, he was dying and I could save him for once. Instead of him taking curses on my behalf and saving me, like always does, I could help. So...I did."

"Harry?"

The tears rolled down Hermione's cheeks as she nodded, "The curse drains your magic before it turns you. For whatever reason, it was killing him—and quickly. We were running out of options, and I knew my time frame, I knew my chances. So...I took them, and I saved his life. And I would do it again—a thousand times. I have to go back, don't you see? I can't leave Harry wondering what happened."

"But you can leave me behind?"

The sad anger in his eyes and the tense set of his jaw nearly broke Hermione's heart in two. She coughed, a sad attempt to clear her throat, and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

"That isn't fair!"

"Isn't it? You can leave me behind, leave me wondering for the rest of my life?"

"It doesn't matter, you won't remember," she mumbled.

"I won't remember..?" Remus said, drawing out each word. "What does that mean?"

"The potion—"

"No."

"Remus, please—"

"You have got to be taking the piss right now!" Remus said, his voice laced with anger as he jumped up from the sofa to pace the length of the floor. "The potion you're working on with Snivellus? That memory potion?"

"It's a cross blend of a polyjuice and an incredibly strong memory potion that will—"

"I don't give a fuck how it works!" Remus shouted, "You're telling me that you're leaving me behind and turning into a bloody monster, and I don't even get to keep the fucking memories? I have to live without you too, Hermione! I have to spend the next however many years I'm damned to live on this god-forsaken planet without you, and you're taking the best years of my fucking life away from me?"

His face was red with rage, the vein at his temple throbbing as he shouted at her. He jammed both of his hands through his hair, tugging violently at it, and Hermione flinched when he kicked the chair—yelling out in frustration.

"That's selfish! That's wrong and it's fucking selfish!"

"You aren't the only one who has to take it, Remus. Everyone does! I know all of you in my own time. You can't honestly think everyone can walk around and know what I've done here, what we've been! What about Molly and Arthur? I practically grew up at the Burrow! I can't—"

"They can take it then!" Remus roared, "They can take the stupid fucking potion! But I won't!"

"You won't have a choice!"

"I NEVER FUCKING DO!" Remus shouted, "I never have a choice in any part of my life! I spend it being a fucking slave to this stupid wolf in my head and the lunar cycles and the goddamn urges to rip someone apart limb from bloody limb! I get told where I have to go and what I have to do and who I have to kill every goddamn second of my life! I didn't even get to choose you—Moony did that for me!"

Hermione took in a sharp breath, her heart plummeting to her feet. "Do you not…did you not want what we have?"

The weight of his words hit him and his face fell, the anger edging away into something far more pained. "No that's not…that's not what I meant."

"I'm sorry that I came here and disrupted your life. But, I do love you, that's real. And I know you chose me, and I'm so sorry that I have to do this and that I can't stay and live here with you for the rest of time. You have to understand, Remus, if I could, I would! I would stay every time for you!"

"But, you can't."

Hermione blinked, her eyelids heavy with the weight of tears. Even as they rolled down her cheeks and dripped from her chin, her eyes burned with lack of relief. "If you remember, it will ruin everything, it will change everything and that will be completely my fault. I know Moony chose me but...but you chose me, too. And I chose you! I would choose you every time, and that's why I have to go back."

"When will you turn?" Remus asked, his voice much softer now.

"I calculated twenty six months, give or take a few days. So, at the end of November, more than likely."

"So you leave in October…give yourself time to say your goodbyes?"

Hermione nodded, "Something like that."

Remus swore and shook his head, "I need a fucking minute."

"I'm sorry. I knew it would upset you, I told Sirius that it—"

"You told Sirius…? Sirius knew?"

Hermione realized her mistake too late, "Yes, but it wasn't…I didn't tell him! He figured it out and—"

"Sirius knew that my girlfriend, my life was going to ripped away from me in a heinous way, and he didn't fucking tell me?"

"Remus, he couldn't!"

"Bullshit!"

"I made him swear on his magic! Please, I don't want to fight anymore I just want to talk to you and—"

"I need a minute," Remus repeated.

He stormed from the room without another word and Hermione jumped when their bedroom door slammed shut.

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a/n: Oof. I know this one is a rough one. How are we feeling?