Chapter 18

When I got back to the table, Ian looked panicked.

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" He asked, barely lowering his voice.

"I'm okay," I responded as I sat back down.

"Are you sure?" He asked, leaning towards me.

I turned to him. "Yes." I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice. I understand his concern but he should know that I can take care of myself.

"Thank you for your dedication, Miss Sage. It doesn't go unnoticed." Stanton said.

I only had time to give her a nod before an older- and seemingly drunk- moroi approached our table and asked her to dance. She was shocked, although she did a good job of hiding any expression from her face. Before she responded, she glanced my way. She couldn't very well say no, after praising my 'dedication' just a few minutes earlier. It'd be hypocritical. So, she squared her shoulders and agreed to a dance.

Ian turned to me as soon as she was gone.

"Do you think this is part of some sort of plan for the moroi to exert their influence over us?"

"Influence? What do you mean?" I was genuinely confused about Ian's train of thought.

"You know, influence." When I raised my eyebrows, he continued. "The way they can convince you to do things you don't want to do." He whispered.

I noted that was the quietest he had been all day.

"Convince us to do things like what?"

"Things like feeding from us," He said looking around the room, as if he had to keep an eye out for any moroi that was thirsty.

I almost laughed, if it weren't for the fact that I realized this is how most alchemists think. As if vampires can't control themselves and will just lunge at the first sign of blood.

"I don't think their compulsion is strong enough for that. Plus, we have our tattoos to protect us."

He nodded. "But what if they found a way around it?"

I was officially tired of this conversation.

"I think we would have heard about that by now."

"I don't know… I just don't like feeling surrounded by them."

"Thankfully, we should be heading back to our hotel soon." I responded as I glanced at Stanton on the dance floor.

She seemed rigid and uncomfortable, but to her credit there was no sign of it on her face as she danced with a moroi. I would not be surprised if she wanted to burn her clothes after tonight, though.

When the song was over, the moroi walked Stanton to our table, thanked her and walked away.

"Miss Sage," she said, seriously. "I now have even more appreciation for what you did a few minutes ago."

I nodded, not knowing what to say. How do I respond to that? How do I explain that my heart was also beating fast when dancing with a vampire but for a completely different reason than hers?

I suddenly needed space. I couldn't take the lies anymore. Pretending like I didn't want to be here, like I wasn't enjoying being a guest at a wedding that almost moved me to tears. Having to stay away from people I considered friends, when all I wanted to do was talk to them, ask them how they are doing, laugh with them again. This all felt like a sick reminder of who I want to be versus who I'm supposed to be.

I stood up.

"Excuse me, I'll be right back." I walked away without waiting for a response, not that I was going to get one. Ian seemed focused on everyone around us, sure we'd get attacked any second. Stanton was still in a daze after one dance with a moroi. Likely questioning why his skin felt warm and human-like when we've always been told they're cold creatures of the night.

That's what happens when you stay as far away from them as possible, you never get the chance to realize that a lot of what we are taught is simply not true.

I didn't know where I was headed until I was opening the doors that led outside. The cold breeze hit me like a slap to the face, but it was somehow refreshing.

I headed towards the right, intending on hiding along the side of the building when I quite literally bumped into someone that was coming out of the shadows.

"Oh!" The sound escaped me as my assailant quickly reached out to steady me.

"Sydney?" I could hear the surprise in his voice.

"Eddie, what are you doing out here?"

"I could ask you the same thing"

"I just needed some fresh air." I smoothed my hands over my dress. "What about you?"

He moved to the side and behind him I saw two figures. Jill and Adrian.

Immediately concerned, I started walking towards them.

"Are you alright?" I asked. Why else would they be outside? Maybe someone got hurt or-

Jill immediately walked over and gave me a hug. "It's so nice to see you again, Sydney." She stepped away, smiling.

I frowned.

"Oh! We're okay. We were just out here talking." She responded.

I glanced at Adrian, next to her. He simply stared back at me.

"But we're now done." Jill continued, giving Adrian a quick glance. "It was great being able to hug you, Sydney. We've missed you." She smiled and put her hand on my shoulder as she passed me. She walked to Eddie, laced her fingers through his, and rounded the corner to go back into the building.

"She's right, everyone's missed you." Adrian said quietly.

I turned to face him.

"You look beautiful, by the way."

I glanced down at my dress to hide my blush. "Thank you."

"So what brings you out here? Tired of talking about chemical compounds, or whatever it is alchemists talk about?"

I smiled. "I just needed some air. What about you, is everything okay?"

He took a deep breath. "No, but…" He shrugged.

I nodded, understanding what he meant. This meeting between us after so long was just a cruel reminder of what could never happen. It was so exhausting to pretend not to care, to pretend not to want certain things, to act cold or unaffected. It was exhausting to fight against what you actually wanted to say or do.

"Sydney, I don't know how much longer I can do this."

"What do you mean?"

He took a step towards me. "I can't be around you and pretend we don't know each other. I can't be around you and pretend not to care about how you're doing, who you're with, where you're going. I can't keep pretending not to know that your brows furrow ever so slightly when you're concentrating on something, or that you purse your lips when you're trying to remain calm but you also purse your lips in a different way when you're trying to hide a smile.

Sydney, I can't keep doing this to myself. I know I told you I'd never stop trying but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I don't think I can see you again because each time I do my will becomes weaker and weaker, and I'm afraid one day I'll snap and run to you to pull you into my arms which I know is not what you want.

So please Sydney, tell me to stay away from you forever because I don't think I can keep living like this. It is torture to see you and not be able to even properly talk to you. I'm driving myself even more insane trying to come up with ways to keep myself distracted and not thinking of you. But I just want to know that you're okay, that you're happy and that maybe just maybe, you miss me too."

I stared at him. I didn't know what to say. I was so overcome with emotion. Here was Adrian putting his heart on display for me to either care for or destroy.

A tear escaped me and as soon as Adrian noticed it, his desperate expression softened. He quickly glanced behind me, towards where Jill and Eddie had disappeared and then pulled me in for a hug.