Tales of the Falls

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...responses...

Gamelover41592: yes, yes it was.

...III...

Preston northwest laughed as one by one his ancestor turned all the people inside his mansion to monster plants that in turn ate the others. He laughed as the plant monster that used to be Mary Corduroy bit off his wife's lower half and spit on her body as she desperately dragged her bleeding torso to her daughter...

Preston laughed, "You fools! I remember ALL that happened in the old timeline! The me of this timeline might've been satisfied to become a husk of his former self and allow his daughter and wife to bully him into submission! BUT NOT I!"

"How did you even pull this off!?" Shouted Wendy cowering behind a pillar with Pacifica.

Preston laughed, "So glad you asked! My ancestor planed to be resurrected as a dryad/lich hybrid and left instructions for his children to do so...but believing him to be insane and eager for their inheritance they ignored his instructions and simply buried his mystically mutated remains. But thanks to my great-great-great-great uncle Herbert's obsession with the written word, I was able to find a preserved copy of Nathanial's instructions. Then it was a simple matter to send for various rare and esoteric ingredients, wait for that lumbering fool of a ghost to pass on, then begin the ritual in the mausoleum under the mansion!" He laughed, "Mark your watches everyone! 7 pm, the time of my ancestors Ascension shall also mark the new age of PRESTON NORTHWEST!"

Wendy smirked, "Consider it marked." She turned to her phone, "Hey Dipper, you get all that?"

A confused Preston watches as the redhead turns the phone screen around to show a smiling and naked Dipper holding a timetape in his hand, "Thank you. I needed to know when and where you were before you started all this nonsense." Before pulling out the TimeTape and vanishing and all Preston can say is "oh no..."

...A few hours earlier

"YES! I AM TRIUMPHANT! SOON THE RITUAL WILL BE COMPLETE AND I PRESTON NORTHWEST will-

Dipper pops out of nowhere and kicks him square in the puckered hole! Preston screams and falls into the cauldron. Dipper quickly goes through all the nearby ingredients in his head.

"Okay, add one hornswoggle head, then stir a monkey bone counter-clockwise, simmer with killer sesame seeds, use dead witch chalk to compensate for the unwanted ingredient of one rich douchebag-

poof!

-And I successfully turn a resurrection and empowerment ritual into a soul destruction/permanent banishment ritual...that coincidentally will deep fry anyone stupid enough to be in the cauldron."

Dipper smirks as the rare ingredients, cauldron, ritual items, and mystically mangled corpse of Nathaniel Northwest all explode and destroy themselves-

GAH!

I'm on fire!

-Except Preston Northwest who was just running around in flames...

...

Preston's reaction was heard throughout the Manor, as this was minutes after Wendy's ancestor is placated by the party The girls, their moms and most of the guests come down to see what happened and find Dipper(with recorded footage of what Preston did in the original timeline had he succeeded) and Preston- having his prostate set ablaze is hopping up and down holding his butt trying to alleviate the pain. -

Which turned into a losing battle as he had his shoulder grabbed by Mary who turns him around and Haymaker punches him, getting a whoop of pride from Wendy and joy from Pacifica.

Preston is out cold and sprawled on the grass, Wendy comes up and kicks his groin, and so does Pacifica. They both say how much fun it is and suggests that it be something the guests get to do. Priscilla agrees and has Mary plant stakes by Preston's legs and tied to them so he can't close his legs when people come for a kicking.

Pricilla glares at Preston, "Right, that's it. Time for a 'divorce' darling. I think this is more then enough to make sure your left with nothing in the settlement.

"You- OW! -Can't- OW! -Be- OW! -Serious! OW! All- Gah! -you- OW! WHY!? -have- NO! OW! -is- OW! STOP! -a- OW! -supposed recording- OW! -from the 'future'!? OW! No- OW! -Judge will take it seriously! OW!" Exclaimed Prestons between kicks to the groin.

"I'm a judge- holds up the recording of 'future' Preston making him eat his wife and brother- and I think I can easily make that happen...provided you let me kick him more then once." Said the next guest- AKA supreme justice Constant Harm - in line to stomp Preston's groin.

"Go crazy." Says Priscilla with a smile.

The two girls look over to their crush...and see him applying something to his mutilated genitals-

"Last known drops of the fountain of youth, Nathaniel must've had it stored here in case of emergencies. If I'm right-

He sprinkled annnd...PRESTO! His genitals were restored!...to freakishly tiny proportions.

Pacifica sighed, "It's okay man, maybe we can use the growth crystals-

"Nope, no more magic near my crotch- knowing my luck, it'll only make it worse. Besides...I'm actually happy my junk is small."

"Dipper, what are you talking about?" Asked Wendy surprised.

"When my junk was large, it was easy to be hit, scratched, burnt and flat out trip me up...it HURTS. I'll take being small, over pain any day of the week. Besides...nothing wrong with being small...right?" He asks looking toward Pacifica with an encouraging smile.

Pacifica blushes, self-conscious of her small chest..but smiles and politely thanks him.

Wedny smiles at this and assures him that they still love him- Big or small.

"Yes, well that's all well and good, but perhaps you'd like to put on something, your making the other partygoers a bit nervous." Said Priscilla delicately.

Dipper nods and goes to just that, then realizes something. Wait, shoot! I need to go back in time and explain my plan to my past self so he knows what to do!"

"Wait, what?" Asked Wendy confused as Dipper uses the time tape to vanish.

"Just smile and nod along Corduroy, if I can do it you can give it a shot at least." Whispered Pacifica.

Suddenly old man Mcgucket shows up asking for Dipper...but everyone is too busy breaking Preston's 'pebbles and stick' to really notice...

Meanwhile, Marius who had witnessed all and is incredibly impressed by Dippers daring and moxie. He asks "My word! Who is that boy?" Mabel seeing an opportunity yells "That's my brother!"

Mabel runs up to Marius and he says "good show mi' lady. Your brother saved the lives of the entire party. What do you Americans do to celebrate such an event?" Mabel says "we high five." Mabel raises her hand Marius mimics and she slaps him HARD. Marius is taken aback from the act of aggression and comradery yet he begins to thoroughly enjoy Mabel's company.

"Mable, I know that this is a bit forward but would you do me the honor of becoming my girl-

CRUSH!

SPLAT!

Mable blinked through the blood splattered on her face...and stared at where her prince charming had once stood...was now just a smear under a chandelier(1).

Mable shook in shock as her 'Cinderella story' literally shattered to pieces before her eyes, "wha- What- HOW-

And then she saw it...waddles had eaten through the chandelier rope, "Terribly sorry Mable! Wrong Rope! I needed the crystal from the west-facing chandelier to construct a device I'd envisioned."

Mable wasn't really listening, she was on the ground sobbing, "The pig goes oink! The pig goes oink! Why didn't I just let you get eaten when I had the chance?!"

So while she sobbed...everyone had a great night...except Preston of course...

"Bill- OW! -You'd- OW! -Better- OW! -keep- OW! -Your- OW! -End- OW! -of- OW! -the- OW! -Barg- OWWWWWWW! Oh, for crying out loud, who brings cleets to a ball- OW!" Thinks Preston between the pain...unaware that a special tapestry of his was watching him with it's one eye...

...III…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

(1): Sorry man, I'm kinda in dark place regarding Mable right now. But I compromised, no happy ending for Grenda either! Besides, If I got predictable you wouldn't like this story as much. Would you?

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Publish a chapter of my 'Shake up the Falls' Challenge before anyone else and I'll update the next chapter this plus two other stories!

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