Chapter 116: Wednesday, November 27, 2002
"The one thing I need to leave behind is good memories."
-Michael Landon
Miss Granger,
I have received your request for access to the Restricted Section of the library. Madam Pince has agreed to give you permission to use the library but requests that the books remain within the library's boundaries at all times. Please join me for tea upon your arrival.
I think you will find that I am rather fond of 'Fudge Flies'.
I look forward to seeing you,
Minerva McGonagall
An hour after receiving the letter from McGonagall, Hermione and Remus made their way through the passage under the Shack that led to the Whomping Willow.
"Is it odd that I'm strangely...excited about studying in the library again?" Remus asked, adjusting the shoulder straps of the knapsack he carried.
Hermione shook her head, smiling over her shoulder at him. "No. There really isn't any place like it."
"Have you been back since…?" Remus left the end of the question hanging open as he ducked even lower to avoid scalping himself in the small space.
"Not to the library, no. I've only really been inside the school a handful of times since…" Hermione shoved her way through the tight opening, quickly dodging out of the way of a rogue branch that whipped toward her. She jammed her finger against the knot in the tree, causing it to still, and grabbed Remus' hand to help pull him free of the small opening.
"Thanks," he smiled, dusting his trousers off.
They set across the grounds, careful to remain on the outskirts as best they could. While Hermione was certain that at least some of the students were aware of the existence of The Order and that many Order members did daily rounds to keep an eye on the school, they always tried to remain mostly out of sight. She knew better than most the trouble students could get into when they suspected something was out of the ordinary.
Remus draped an arm over Hermione's shoulder, pulling her against his side and kissing the top of her hair.
"You're in a good mood," Hermione chuckled.
"I'm going to research restricted material with the most brilliant and beautiful witch," Remus said, softly. Hermione could practically hear the blush creep its way onto his cheeks. "Inside my favourite library, on a topic I am millimetres away from cracking."
There were so many things she loved deeply about Remus, but she would never tire of his enthusiasm when it came to research. She had spent years thinking she was the only one who ever cared to open a book. The amount of times she stared at Ron or Harry in disbelief with the question of 'don't you two read?' on her tongue was infuriating.
And while Draco had proven to be apt in research, as well as Theo and Cho, they seemed to only do it out of necessity. Whereas, like herself, Remus genuinely enjoyed being surrounded by ancient tomes and hours of working out a problem. Remus understood the level of respect one needed to have when handling volumes that were centuries old. He shared her excitement at the prospect of diving into a first edition just to say she'd done it.
It was just one of the many things they had in common that she would sorely miss when he was gone.
As that particular thought crossed her mind, Hermione felt herself deflate. She listened to Remus as he chattered on about the map and the research that lay ahead of them, wondering aloud about certain volumes of books that he hoped to find while in the library. The entire time he spoke, she kept her eyes on him. Committing his face to memory again, watching the way his lips worked around the vowels, extended a bit from his Welsh lilt. She outlined the way his eyes lit up when he chuckled to himself, the dimple in his cheek and his slightly crooked teeth. She felt her fingers twitch with the urge to trace the deep scar that bisected his face, splitting across his nose and ending below his left eye.
They climbed the stairs to the entrance of the castle, Remus quieting down while they made their way through the corridors. He looked entirely out of place amongst the students, standing a head taller than nearly all of them, garnering them several confused or shocked looks. Hermione took note of how strange they must look; his arm still draped over her shoulders, her arm wrapped around his waist, even though the top of her head barely brushed his collar. She chuckled to herself when she remembered that Hope Lupin had also been rather petite in stature and she wondered if it was a strange trait the Lupin men shared—an affinity for women with personalities large enough to make up for their lack of height.
Hermione nearly walked into the Griffin statue that guarded the Headmistress' office before Remus tightened his grip on her shoulders, pulling her to a halt.
"Alright?" he questioned, a crease of concern forming between his brows.
Hermione nodded, "I'm fine. Just...lost in my thoughts."
"I noticed. It's a bit nostalgic, being back inside the castle to work on a revision, isn't it?"
She smiled, "Nostalgic, yes. I think that's the right word for it."
"Fudge Flies," Remus whispered to the statue. "Although, it is really strange to be back and know that...that it's just me. I can almost hear James complaining that I've gotten too bloody tall to fit under the cloak."
"I used to say the same thing to Ron," Hermione laughed. "By sixth year, our ankles were always showing."
"That was a lot of the reason we made the map," Remus admitted. "Obviously, we had our plans to use it in a more...mischievous way. But, we didn't really need it until I hit a growth spurt. Then we really buckled down to get it finished. I think we were in our...fourth year?"
"My fourth year Hogwarts hosted a Triwizard Tournament," Hermione said, wrinkling up her nose at the memories that surfaced.
"A Triwizard Tournament? That's brilliant! God, I can't imagine what that must have been like. Did Hogwarts win?"
Hermione grimaced, "Technically, yes. Harry got the cup first. But, that was also the night Voldemort came back. He killed another champion, a Hufflepuff called Cedric Diggory."
"Hogwarts had two champions?" Remus asked, confused.
The stone wall began to groan as the statue moved, opening up to a spiraling staircase. Hermione started up the stairs, Remus on her heels.
"Harry's name was put into consideration by a Death Eater polyjuiced as Alastor Moody. There were already three champions chosen when the Goblet spit his name out. The Ministry decided the contract was magically binding and forced Harry to compete."
"There was a Diggory a few years above us when we were here. Amos, I think his name was. Hufflepuff, nice enough wizard. I think he was prefect, maybe even Head Boy?"
"Cedric was his son," Hermione nodded.
"Shit, that's horrible."
Hermione hummed in agreement. It was heinous how quickly Cedric's life ended. She decided not to add insult to injury by explaining that it had been Peter who cast the killing curse that ended his young life.
They reached the top of the stairs and Hermione rapped her knuckles against the heavy door. From the other side, she could hear faint movement as McGonagall crossed the office and opened the door, her eyes landing on the couple.
"Miss Granger," she said, by way of greeting. "Mr Lupin."
"Hello Professor," Hermione and Remus said in unison.
"Come in," she moved to the side to allow them entrance to the office. "Tea?"
"Please," Hermione smiled.
McGonagall flicked her wand, busying the tea tray on the desk with the task of pouring itself into a few pristine cups. Hermione sat in one of the armchairs as Remus took the two cups that had begun floating toward them in his hands. He handed one to her and took the chair on her right, looking slightly less lively than he had been on their trek to the castle. He stared at the frame next to Albus' sleeping portrait, a crease between his brows and a frown marring his features. Hermione noticed the frame where Snape's portrait usually sat, was empty.
"Is something wrong, Mr Lupin?" McGonagall asked.
He shook his head, "No. I just...I wondered if I would see who was Headmaster before you, is all."
"All in due time," she said.
Hermione wondered what McGonagall meant by that. Had Remus not been told it was Snape? Was there a reason for that? Before she could open her mouth to ask, McGonagall cleared her throat and set her tea down, the porcelain clinking against the heavy, wooden desk.
"I would like to know what it is you'll be researching," McGonagall began.
"Cartography," Remus answered. "We're trying to keep track of The Order as best we can, but we need a few other components to do so."
"Clever," she hummed. "Your idea, I assume?"
"I...erm...well, Hermione and I—"
"Yes," Hermione interjected. "It was his idea."
McGonagall tutted and Hermione felt herself bristle at the sound. She was no longer a child who needed scolding and it was clear McGonagall had something to say to them.
"You've been here quite some time, Remus. Have you made plans to return, yet?"
"I know I can't stay forever—"
"It's not a matter of staying forever. It's being here at all." Mcgonagall looked over the rim of her glasses at them, scrutinizing Hermione and Remus with equal intensity. "I have been very clear where I stand on the laws of time travel and the things that may happen should someone choose to abuse it."
"We're well aware, thank you, Professor." Hermione clipped, tired of this conversation. The same roundabout she'd been spinning circles in for weeks.
McGonagall pursed her lips, forcing a deep breath in and out through her nose before giving a slight bob of her head. "Very well," she motioned to the massive bookcase that loomed in the corner of the room, taking up a large portion of the wall. "You're welcome to my private collection if you are unable to find what you are looking for in the library."
"Thank you," Remus said.
"I have a few things to attend to," McGonagall said. "But, Hermione, may I have a private word?"
"I'm not sure—"
"I'll wait outside for you," Remus smiled. "Thanks, Professor."
He set his cup of untouched tea back on the tray and left the room, pulling the door closed behind him. Hermione shifted in her chair, looking expectantly at the aged witch before her. She had noticeably more lines etched into her face than the last time Hermione had seen her.
"I'm not going to pester you about him being here," McGonagall said, a hint of a smile on her face. "I understand better than most the brilliance that lay beneath the layers of Remus Lupin. He was always one of my favourites."
"I thought Professors weren't supposed to play favourites?"
"Maybe not," McGonagall agreed. "However, I should think you already knew that I have my share of favourite pupils over the years."
Hermione felt her face soften, a bashful smile creeping up. "I suppose."
"Hermione, I do not wish the fate that awaits for him any more than you do. But, what has already happened must happen. For better or worse, it is not up to us to decide."
"I'm sending him back to his death," Hermione whispered.
"His fate was decided long before he was taken from his own time and brought here."
"I thought you agreed Divination is rubbish."
McGonagall smirked, "It is. But, I am not an ignorant enough woman to not acknowledge that there are things outside of our control."
"But what if we can control it? What if he just...just stays?"
"Time travel is a volatile and risky form of magic. He could stay and it could work out. We could win this war and finally put an end to it all. Or...it could tear apart the fabric of our reality as we know it. It could take more innocent lives that may have survived because of the sacrifice he made. The unknown should not be feared, Ms Granger. But, we need to respect it."
Remus paced outside the Headmistress' office, suddenly feeling rather jittery. He had been forcing himself to try and remain in as light a mood as possible over the course of the last few weeks. After overhearing the conversation between Hermione and Harry last month, Remus was certain his time here needed to end soon. The thought of it killed him. The idea of going back to his cabin to live by himself for however long, to be deep seated in the anger and grief that came along with being alone…
He wasn't ready.
Honestly, he knew he'd never be ready to face any portion of his life without her in it. He knew he'd fall apart the second he returned. But, he had to wait before he let himself disintegrate. Remus shuddered at the idea of Hermione ever seeing him the way he had been after she disappeared.
A blurry memory of screaming into nothingness in the ruins of James' house burned behind his eyes and he fell onto the bench that was shoved against the wall, cradling his head in his hands.
Remus wanted to scream. He wanted to let the fury that roiled in his stomach explode through him. He wanted to curse whatever fucking higher power was out there for putting him—them—in this situation. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair! Remus had spent his entire life with his share of learning that life often had a way of slighting him; of making an absolute fool out of him. But, this was beyond that. It was sadistic. To be handed the most beautiful, brilliant, caring witch he had ever laid eyes on…only to have to hand her back?
It was downright cruel.
Life had never been easy on him. But, fuck, if Hermione didn't help to smooth the ragged edges that cut and sliced through him. To soften the prickly needles of injustice that had attached themselves to him at such a young age. And he couldn't ignore how much he'd changed because of her. Her willingness to accept him, to love him, had lit something within him he'd long feared would never ignite.
So, if pasting a smile on and trying to make the best of what little time they had left was what he had to do, then he would do it. He couldn't protect her from the war; he'd learned that twice over. But, he could protect her from himself. He could leave her with happiness to hang on to.
The door opened and Remus jumped to his feet, trying to shake himself out of his own head. Hermione must have noticed because of course she did, and she gave him a strange look.
"Are you—"
"Fine, love," Remus smiled. "To the library, then?"
Hermione's eyes narrowed, raking over him for a moment before slowly nodding, "Yeah. McGonagall just wanted to reiterate that we keep the book within the castle."
She's been crying.
I know.
She's lying to you.
I know.
So, are you going to stand there like a complete prick or are you going to say something about it?
Not now. Whatever McGonagall said—
We can't leave her, you fucking moron. She's our mate. You need to fight.
I can't...I can't fight anymore. It's causing too much of a rift between her with everyone. I have to protect her and this is the only way I can do that.
I'll kill us both if you follow through with this, you useless lump.
I'm counting on it.
Moony snarled in his head and Remus let out a slow breath, reaching for Hermione's hand and locking their fingers together as they descended the stairs. His thumb rubbed over the soft skin that stretched over her knuckles, trying to memorize the feel of it.
The library was dim when they entered. Soft yellow light glowed from candles that floated above them, magically illuminating the massive hall of books. There were students scattered about with noses in books, quills moving a million miles a minute as they revised. Madam Pince looked up from behind a tall stack of books that somehow looked older than the ancient witch herself. She appraised them for a moment before waving them off to the back of the library, pointing to a sign that reminded them to keep quiet.
Remus couldn't help but chuckle to himself. How many times had he tried to get James and Sirius to quiet down in this room, only for them to be banished from it moments later?
It felt like a lifetime ago.
Hermione led the way, practically floating through the rows of shelves and weaving her way to the darkened back corner. The restricted section was empty, save for a cart that pushed itself between the shelves, replacing books on its own.
She stopped at an alcove tucked in the farthest back corner. A narrow window let a few slivers of afternoon light into the area and Remus could make out the dustmites that danced in the air.
"This was always my favourite spot," Hermione murmured, tossing a small smile over her shoulder. "No one ever bothered me back here."
"Pince allowed you access to this part regularly?"
She smirked, "Not exactly."
"Rebel," Remus gasped, clutching a hand to his chest.
"Hardly," she snorted. "I liked it back here so I could study in silence. Hide from the other students my age when they wanted to talk about boys and Quidditch and whatever else they thought was important at the time."
He removed the bag from his shoulder, swinging it onto the table with a thud. Hermione began digging through it, pulling out stacks of parchments with formulas for new charms they had been working on and books with articles that had seemed to be the most useful. Remus started scanning the shelves, looking for anything that may help them track The Order members. He tugged a few books from their tight slotted spots and stacked them neatly in his arms before returning.
Hermione was already busy scribbling away, flipping through pages and whispering the words to herself. He watched as she brought a hand up to shove the curls off her forehead, leaving behind a tiny smudge of ink on the skin at her hairline. The sunlight hit her just right, lighting up her face in a golden glow that made the freckles that kissed the bridge of her nose stand out and Remus felt his knees go weak.
He crossed the space between them, setting the books down carefully and sliding into the seat across from her. She looked up through her lashes and smiled, looking every bit of at home that Remus felt. He returned the smile, feeling his heart clench at the sight of hers, and opened one of the books at random to begin reading.
He could do this for her. He could summon up the Gryffindor courage he so rarely felt to leave her with good memories to fall back on. To leave her with the better parts of him that she saw no matter how hard he tried to deny they even existed.
.
.
A/n: Sorry it's a day late! I started a new job this week and it's my first time back to work since I got laid off in march of 2020! So, my brain was fried all week _ Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it!
If you're on twitter, come say hey! mimifreed
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