Chapter 118: Tuesday, December 10, 2002
"Saying goodbye didn't matter, not a bit. What mattered were all the days you were together before that, all the things you remembered."
-Patricia Reily Griff [Lily's Crossing]
Remus was avoiding her.
Hermione had tried to chalk it up to the events happening in the shack over the last week or so. She had tried to convince herself that she was reading too much into things. Perhaps Remus was simply immersed in finishing the map and his hiding away had nothing to do with her. It didn't feel that way, though. It felt intentional, every time he looked away at a meeting or left the room when she entered. And it didn't help that everyone had been on edge with Justin taking a sudden turn for the worst. The Shack was tense with everyone walking on eggshells, waiting for the next shoe to drop.
As if he could hear her thoughts, a low moan of pain sounded from the far end of the room and Hermione peeled herself off the sofa and padded into the tiny private room next to Tonks'.
Justin laid on his side, clutching his knees to his chest as he groaned through the rippling of pain beneath his skin. Hermione waved her wand, surveying the runes and numbers that floated above him. Her stomach dropped.
Justin's magic was depleting quicker and quicker by the day. He was quite literally fighting for his life at this point. What little bit of magic he still had worked to keep his heart beating.
"Justin?" Hermione called in as soothing a voice she could manage. She closed the door behind her and knelt down pushing his hair from his sweat-soaked face. "Can you hear me?"
"Get Malfoy," he cried.
"No," Hermione shook her head. "No. We aren't—I can't—"
"Please."
Hermione swallowed and wiped the tears from his face, "No. We're so close to getting to Dolohov. You have to hang on, just a while longer. He'll have a countercurse or an—an antidote, or something. Just a while longer, okay?"
A deep shiver tore up his spine and his muscles contracted painfully, forcing another sob from his throat. "Please, Hermione. I can't...I don't want to become one."
Hermione's hand rested against his face, "I know. Listen it's Tuesday, you have to stick around a bit longer, yeah? Your mum—"
"St-steak and kidney...pie…" Justin ground out, trying to force a smile onto his face.
"Exactly," she turned, snatching a phial of the strongest pain relief potion she had brewed yet and pulled the stopper out. She helped Justin turn, holding a hand under his neck to support his head as she tipped the small glass bottle to his lips. "So, you have to stay. I'd rather not deal with your mum being cross with me."
He coughed, bringing a weak hand up to wipe at his lips. "Pansy?"
"I'll go get her," Hermione whispered, tucking the blankets around him. She watched him for a moment, waiting for his heavy-blinking eyes to finally close before creeping out of the room and fetching Pansy.
Hours later, Hermione found herself finally in company with Remus. After cornering Harry and practically begging him to send Remus out to do rounds at Hogwarts with her, they walked in silence over the snow dusted slopes. Every few minutes, Hermione would look up at him, trying her best to be secretive as her eyes roamed his face. She was certain he knew she was searching him but he remained quiet; his jaw set tight and his brows drawn ever-so-slightly together in thought.
She couldn't banish the look on his face after they had their romp in the library from her mind. The way his mood had completely seemed to shift as the uncertainty took hold of him again. Hermione could still practically feel his breath on her face as he panted, begging her to look at him. The way his eyes seemed desperate and solemn; no trace of gold to speak of.
It felt final.
And his avoidance of her had not helped.
He had taken to spending time alone in the dining room as he worked on the map and looking away anytime she caught his eye. He had even opted to sleep on one of the sofas or in the attic and spent as much time as he could with Harry. She had been trying to give him his space, knowing better than to pressure him into talking to her. But, it was becoming difficult. The weight of everything was becoming too heavy without Remus to hold her up. She wondered how she would manage to make it the rest of her life without him. Having him here, no matter how distant he was, was still a comfort. Knowing his time was even more limited than her own was causing anxiety to root deep within her and hold her chest in a vice grip.
"I finished it."
She was pulled from her own spiralling thoughts by his low voice, "What?'
"The map," he said, slowing his pace. He looked down at her, his face still unreadable. "I finished it."
Hermione stopped, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to stave off the bitter, winter air. "Oh."
He raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"
"Oh—I...I just mean—that's great, Remus!" She forced herself to smile and she knew he could tell it didn't reach her eyes. "Have you told Harry?"
He nodded, "Yeah. We'll have to use that blood ritual we found," he wrinkled his nose up at the thought. "And, he didn't really seem thrilled about that. But, I showed him how it worked and how it was a one off thing, just to track our own people...I think he'll come around to it."
Hermione hummed, resuming her strides. "Is that why you've been spending so much time with him lately?"
She really tried to keep the irritation from her voice, but she was sure she failed.
He gave her a strange look, "No."
"Oh."
"I've been asking him some questions."
"What kind of questions?"
"About you," he said, a small smile on his face. "And him. And the rest of everyone. I just wanted to know about you all...the stuff I missed. And Sirius."
Hermione stopped again, nearly sliding on the slick grass beneath her feet. "Sirius?"
"Yeah."
She reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could walk away from her, tugging him around to look at her. "What about Sirius?"
He bit the inside of his cheek, his shoulders sagging slightly. "I wanted to know how his trial went."
"He didn't have a trial, you know that."
"But, he was free."
"Yes, but not for a long time."
"Twelve years," Remus bit out, the muscle in his neck jumping with his agitation. "Harry told me."
"Remus I—"
"How did you plan to stay with me?"
The question stopped her thoughts dead in their tracks. "What?"
"You said you tried to stay—that you wanted to stay. What did you think would happen?"
Hermione blinked, "I thought I could stop it...I knew what would happen and I thought I could stop it."
"But, you couldn't. You knew that. You knew there was nothing you could do and that everything had to go the way it did."
Hermione nodded, "I think I just wanted to—"
"I want to get Sirius out of Azkaban."
Hermione swallowed her words, her mouth dropping open for a moment before she shook her head. "Remus, you can't. We can't change what's already happened! You know this. Otherwise I would have stayed and—"
"You only left because of James," he argued. "You didn't want to leave. But, if I have to go back I can't...Hermione, how do you expect me to go back and know Sirius is innocent and do nothing?"
"Remus, you can't—"
"Just because you couldn't, doesn't mean I can't."
The words were harsh and cut her deeply. She stared at Remus in disbelief, frustrated with the way the conversation was going. "Remus, have you not been paying attention? Everyone has told you—has told us both—we can't change things. Everything that happened…it all happened how it was supposed to happen."
"You're okay with me going back, then? Knowing the life I'll live—knowing that Sirius is innocent and expecting me to just sit on my fucking hands and do nothing about it?"
"What proof do you have?" Hermione asked, "How do you plan to clear his name? Because you can't exactly just waltz into the Ministry and claim to know what happens in the future!"
"I know that!" Remus hissed, folding his arms across his chest. "But I have my memories! I can show them to Dumbledore and—"
"No, Remus, you can't. You know too much! If you go back there and pour your memories out for everyone to see, you'll get yourself killed. You'll put Harry in danger. It's one thing to remember me—us—but, you can't divulge information about the future before it happens!"
"That's a load of shit and you know it. If that were the case there wouldn't be an entire fucking hall of prophecies at the Ministry!"
"That's different!"
"What are you going to do about it, Hermione?" Remus asked, his tone cold. "Are you going to brew up another fucking potion then? Take all that I have left and leave me with nothing to protect the greater good? Because I can't just let Sirius rot. I can't just let Harry live—they kept him in a bloody cupboard, Hermione!"
Hermione inhaled slowly. Her chest rattled with the effort to tamp down the sob that threatened to break free. Her eyes stung with tears that built behind her lashes. She gnawed at her lip, trying to figure out what to say. How to convince Remus that he couldn't change a thing.
It felt incredibly hypocritical.
She had been so ready to throw all of her reservations out the window and watch them blow away with the wind when the shoe was on her foot. She had tried desperately to come up with a way to save them all, to change the course of the past and give them a chance at a decent life. She couldn't expect Remus to go back and do nothing. She knew better than anyone how difficult it was to hold the power of change in your hands and watch it slip through your fingers.
"No," Hermione finally whispered, taking a step closer to Remus. "No, I'm not going to brew another potion."
Remus' arms fell back to his sides and he inhaled deeply, blowing it back out through his mouth. Hermione watched his hot breath hit the cold air, turning to a plume of fog before dissipating between them.
"I told you that we could try and tweak the circumstances to our advantage, and we've done that ten times over with you being here. But, if you go back and try to apply that same logic you could dismantle my past. Change it so I never have a reason to come back in the first place."
"Saving Sirius from over a decade of rotting in Azkaban has nothing to do with you."
"It has everything to do with me! Don't you see?" Hermione felt the tears hot on her face, burning against the frozen skin of her reddened cheeks. "Remus, you go back and you clear Sirius' name before it's supposed to happen...there's a chance that it changes everything. Terrible things happen to wizards that meddle with time and we're dealing with the consequences of that now."
"Do you regret it?" Remus asked, the apple of his throat bobbing around a swallow.
Hermione sighed, defeated. "No. Yes? I don't know."
Remus closed his eyes for a few seconds, when he opened them, they were shining. "Do you regret me?"
She closed the space between them, reaching her mitten clad hands out for his. She held them, staring up at him with all the conviction she could muster. "I don't regret a single second I've spent with you. No matter how it came to be."
"Twelve years, Hermione," he whispered.
"I know, love." Hermione sniffled, squeezing his hands, "I don't want you to have to live that time alone. I hate knowing that he's there and I could have…" she shook her head, taking in a slow breath. "Your suffering is entirely my fault and it kills me everyday."
"It's not your fault," Remus murmured. "Shit. It's...it's fucking Voldemort and Dolohov and...and all of those fucking bastards that spent so long...and Peter…"
Hermione stayed silent, watching his face as it flicked through several emotions. His eyes shifted between green and gold rapidly as he tried to gain control of himself. He coughed a few times, shaking his head as he grumbled at himself. Finally, he pulled her to his chest, wrapping his long arms around her in a tight embrace, pressing his lips to the top of her head.
"I'm not doing the ritual this month," he said. "I can't stay here and watch everyone be angry with you when I'm the one fucking everything up."
Hermione inhaled sharply, clinging to him for dear life. She knew it was coming. Knew by how distant he had been. Knew from the way he'd made love to her in the library that he was planning to return soon.
She wasn't ready.
She would never be ready.
.
.
a/n: bit of a shorty boi this week, sorry about that. But, it simply had to be ended where it did. Just a reminder, I will be taking a little posting hiatus from this story soon. I do, however, have a little something planned for when that happens. So, stay tuned.
Please leave a little comment, if you feel so inclined. They make me real happy.
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xo
