Chapter 119: Friday, December 13, 2002
"If you really want to do something, no one can stop you. But if you really don't want to do something, no one can help you."
-James A. Owen
The reality that Remus would be leaving within the week settled over him with less brutality than he could have imagined.
He had expected it to be an all-consuming pain. An ache in his chest that he couldn't rid himself of. A deep, lingering emptiness that he could not fill. A migraine—at the very least. Instead, he found himself oddly at ease with the idea of it.
As long as he didn't think too hard, of course.
Because there were things about his time he missed. Mostly, he missed his father. He was actually looking forward to seeing him again and making good on the promise to repay him for the Galleons he had borrowed. He missed his record player and his shabby sofa with the stuffing falling out of the cushions. He missed privacy and the ability to stay up all hours of the night baking in peace and quiet if he chose to.
However, if he thought for too long on what little he had to miss back in 1982, the thoughts of what he would be missing for the rest of his life settled deep into his bones. And not for the first time, he wondered if it would be easier to just ask for a bloody memory potion. Or to have Draco build walls in his head like he had done for Hermione. Or to just obliviate himself and be done with it all. But, then, he wouldn't have his memories of her. He wouldn't remember how her nose wrinkled up when she laughed or how her hair looked lovely and wild in the mornings. He wouldn't remember the feel of her skin pressed against his or the way her eyes looked when he was inside of her.
He wouldn't remember that she loved him.
And he needed to remember that. He needed to remember the way her lips wrapped around his name and the way she always smiled when she said 'I love you'. He needed it because he couldn't think of any other way to get through the next leg of his miserable fucking life without just doing himself (and probably the rest of the world) a favor and ending it.
You're a coward.
He sighed, long and suffering. We can't stay.
Says who?
The laws of time, perhaps?
Bullshit.
Remus snorted, It isn't bullshit. We knew this couldn't last forever. We've always known it.
What if I refuse?
What if you…? You realize you're inside my head, right? What are you going to do, take over and throw me off a ledge?
You pillock, you're sending us to our death!
There isn't a life here and you know it. Stop your sulking, you bag of fleas.
And then there was Moony...
Who had found it appropriate to fill Remus' head with constant berating. Well, more than usual, anyway. Moony was incensed, to say the least. He constantly snarled and snapped at Remus, taking care to make sure Remus knew just how much he hated the idea of being away from Hermione again. So much so that his chest ached, as if his very magic rejected it, as well.
Part of him tried to convince himself it would be different this time. That despite what Hermione said of the dangers of meddling with time, he could change things. He could go back and clear Sirius' name. At least then he would have someone on this God-forsaken planet who would help hold him up. Someone he could talk about her with…
The other part of him listened to Hermione's warning and wondered just how much he would cock it up by putting his fingers where they didn't belong. Surely, he wouldn't change that much. He didn't really know how Harry had gone about defeating Voldemort, for instance. So, he couldn't exactly offer that information up. But, he could go back and kill Dolohov when he least expects it. Sniff him out when the arsehole went into hiding and flay his skin from his bone before he ever has a chance to lay a hand on Hermione or anyone else, for that matter.
But, then…
If he snuffed Dolohov out before he had the chance to send that curse hurtling toward her, causing Harry to dive in the way… That had been the entire reason she had resorted to messing with time to get back to 1979 in the first place.
Remus sighed, scrubbing at his eyes.
"Alright?" Harry asked, from the doorway.
Remus straightened himself in his chair, "Yeah."
Harry stared at him for a minute, looking him over doubtfully before striding into the room and sitting across from him. "So, about this map…"
A large map of the whole of the United Kingdom took up the better half of the far wall in the drawing room. Small dots littered heavily in one spot in the Scottish Highlands, marking everyone who resided in the Shack to be there. A few other dots were scattered about. Pansy's moved east, Ginny and George's travelling south. Bill and Fleur were unmarked, having gone to France again to collect some more information on the resistance there.
Hermione stood before the map, watching as everyone milled about, a small smile on her lips. It had been a bit of an argument to get everyone to agree to the methods used to track them, but once they saw it in action (demonstrated by Hermione and Remus), no one had any further qualms about giving a pin-prick of blood.
It was, by far, the best invention Hermione could imagine. The peace of mind that settled over them all, being able to see their loved ones locations, was needed. They had a massive advantage now that they were no longer in danger of their own being hidden away where they could not find them.
"What about hidden places?" Harry asked, looking over the map with a furrowed brow. "Like the Room of Requirement—that didn't show up on the original map."
"Doesn't matter," Remus answered. "We didn't use personal ties for the map of the castle, or of the map we used a few months back. This one only shows Order members because of the blood magic used. So, even if someone manages to get themselves in a predicament of being taken to somewhere that's hidden or doesn't show up here," he motioned to the map. "We'll still be able to see the general area they're in."
"Unless they're taken from the UK," Hermione chimed in. "But, we can expand the map as we gain support elsewhere, can't we?"
Remus nodded, "You have all my notes. It's not an overly complicated process."
Harry hummed and then turned, looking at them both. "What about...what about Justin? When he turns, will we still be able to track him?"
Remus lifted his shoulders, "That I don't know. In theory, yes. He'd still be living and breathing, even if it's in a different form. So, I imagine his blood is still...well...his."
"Have we made any progress on a possible counter-curse?" Harry asked, now focusing on Hermione.
Hermione shook her head, "I'm afraid not, Harry. I think our best bet is to—"
"That's not entirely true," Remus interrupted.
Hermione turned to look at him, confused. "You've seen the journals. There hasn't been anything that's worked for them, let alone us. We've got very limited time left to do anything that will help."
"Love, it wasn't just the map I needed to research in the restricted section," Remus explained. "I've been following this idea of the fountain of fair fortune that was listed—"
Hermione huffed, "We've been forced to put far too much trust in children's tales. I won't gamble Justin's life on nursery rhymes."
"Wait," Harry interrupted. "You think it exists?"
Remus nodded, "In some capacity, yes. Maybe not as we've read...I highly doubt there's a series of enlightening tasks that take place to get to it. But, there's evidence to suggest something similar exists. Seamus and I had talked about it a while back. Muggles call it the Fountain of Youth—"
"Muggles have been searching for the Fountain of Youth for hundreds of years or longer," Hermione snorted, "That's hardly evidence."
Remus bristled, "There's evidence of its existence tracing back thousands of years. The Centaurs called it the Fountain of Mystics, pirates and vikings have been known to refer to it as the eternal waters and—"
Hermione barely bit back another snort of incredulous laughter.
"—And Ponce De Leon was a wizard—"
"Ponce De Leon was a muggle."
"No, no," Remus said, shaking his head vehemently. His shoulder squared as he began to ready his argument and despite Hermione's irritation at the subject matter, she couldn't help the twitch of her lips as she watched him get so passionate over his research. "He was a Spanish wizard! And he found the bloody fountain! There's documentation—"
"As wonderful as it's been to be a part of…" Harry interjected, waving his hand between Remus and Hermione looking some strange cross between amused and slightly disturbed, "whatever the hell this is…"
"Foreplay is the word you're looking for, Potter," Draco chimed in from the doorway with a smirk.
Hermione rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest with another indignant huff. "You're all ridiculous. Remus, love, I know we need answers but the fountain is a stretch, even by our standards. We'll have to come up with something else. Dolohov has to have a counter-curse by now. I can't imagine he's just allowing his own people to die in droves because they get hit with the curse in a duel."
"Except," Draco said, strutting into the room. "You're operating under the impression that Dolohov gives a shit about his people."
"Well he has to in some capacity!" Hermione argued, "If he didn't he wouldn't work so hard to hide them all."
Draco sucked at his teeth and shrugged, "Fine. Don't listen to the one person here who was part of their ranks. It's your funeral."
Hermione glared at him. Draco rarely felt the need to pull the 'I used to be a Death Eater so you should listen to me' card, but when he did, it infuriated her. "But you aren't now. Voldemort did things differently."
"Did he?" Draco laughed, "News to me. Look, you all can keep squabbling about whether or not the person who found the fountain is a muggle, but I can tell you that it's something that has been on Dolohov's radar for a long time. I'm almost positive there was some talk about it after Voldemort was banished the first time around, trying to bring him back, you know?"
"It won't bring someone back from the dead," Hermione said, petulantly.
"It won't," Remus agreed. "However, it could offer extended life. Its powerful magic—"
"If it even exists," Hermione grumbled.
Remus's lips twitched in amusement, "If it exists," he amended with a pointed look at Hermione. "It's powerful. And Voldemort wasn't truly dead the first go around, so it stands to reason that the fountain could have provided him with life-sustaining properties much sooner than he acquired them."
Hermione was losing this debate and she knew it. One of the things she adored about Remus was his thirst for knowledge. Unfortunately for her, it was also one thing that bit her hard on the arse from time to time. She knew Remus wouldn't be pushing the issue if he hadn't done sufficient research to support his stance. And given how often he'd been holed up with a stack of books older than all of them combined, she had to assume he knew what he was talking about.
"One problem," Harry finally spoke up, his brows furrowed together and a hand tugging through his hair. "We don't exactly have the time to go searching for a fabled fountain."
"No, not right now, we don't," Remus agreed. "But…"
Hermione pulled her eyes from Harry to stare at Remus. She had a feeling she knew where he was going with this and judging by the way he refused to meet her eye, she was right.
"But?" Draco pressed.
"If someone were to...I don't know, dedicate a decade and a half to research and finding it…"
"Remus," Hermione spoke, slowly. She took a few steps closer to him, reaching for his hand. "You know you can't."
"That isn't true," he murmured, his eyes finally finding her face. "I could do it. I'll be alone for years anyway, so it's not like I won't have the time."
He was pleading.
She knew that it was subtle enough that Draco or Harry would not notice the way he begged her to let him do this. But the way his fingers gripped hers, the slight crease between his brows and the way he chewed the inside of his cheek told her that he was desperately trying to get her to agree. To let him do something to help, even after he disappeared from her life for good.
Her chest clenched. She knew all too well the need to change things. And as she looked up into his beautiful, scarred face, she knew that what she had been trying to deny for so long would have to come to fruition. Remus would stop at nothing to do his best to try and change things. He had, after all, figured out a way to get back to her.
Fuck.
"Harry," Hermione said, knocking gently at the bathroom door. "Are you busy?"
She heard him laugh, "I mean, I'm in the shower."
"Alone?"
"Blaise is with Ron, I think."
"Good," Hermione said, flicking her wand to unlock the door and stepping into the steamed room. She locked the door behind her, throwing up a silencing charm. "I need to talk to you."
"It can't wait until I've at least got some pants on?" Harry chuckled from the other side of the curtain.
"Not really, no."
He poked his head out from behind the curtain, his wet hair plastered down to his head with conditioner, his face dripping water onto the floor. He squinted his eyes, likely trying to see her expression. "What's wrong?"
"Remus is going to try and change things," she said, sinking down to the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest.
"Well, yeah. That's not exactly an interrupting-a-shower-worthy secret, Hermione."
"No, you don't… You aren't understanding…"
Harry sighed, disappearing from view for a minute. She could hear the water sloshing about as he scrubbed his fingers through his hair. "What do you think he's going to do?"
"For starters, he's going to try and free Sirius."
The water stopped and Harry's arm slipped out from behind the curtain again, feeling around for a towel. Hermione crawled over to the sink, picking it up off the counter and handing it to him.
"Thanks," he said. A bit of rustling and a few seconds later, he shoved the shower curtain aside and picked his glasses up off the back of the toilet, shoving them onto his face.
Hermione wrinkled her nose up, "You shouldn't set your glasses on the toilet, Harry."
Harry shrugged, making sure his towel was tight around his waist before sitting on the edge of the tub. "I always do a cleaning charm first. Besides, they've fallen in worse places. Now, are you here to reprimand me for placing my glasses on the toilet or are you going to tell me the real reason you're interrupting my hot shower?"
Hermione smiled apologetically, "Sorry."
Harry waved the apology off, "I'm not. He's mentioned Sirius?"
She nodded, "He wants to free him when he gets back. Go to Dumbledore and show him his memories."
"As much as I think I would benefit from that," Harry began, a small smile on his lips. "I don't think that's a good idea. Merlin knows that Sirius didn't deserve the shit life he had, but it's not up to us to make those decisions."
"I told him as much," Hermione said. "And now he's talking about trying to find a fucking fabled fountain!"
Harry's head tipped backward as he laughed, "Being with Remus has certainly changed you. You just used a swear word, you know that, don't you?"
Hermione shot him a playful glare, "Shut up." Her shoulders sagged as she slumped back against the wall, "Harry, he can't do all of these things. We've already interfered with the natural timeline so much. If he shows Dumbledore his memories and changes things…"
"He can't do that," Harry agreed. "It could make everything so much worse. Surely, he understands that."
"He does," Hermione nodded. "He does. But, he's...he knows what he's going back to. How can I expect him to not change that? I'm sending him back to die."
Harry sank to the floor, holding his towel in place as he scooted across, budging her over to tuck himself next to her side. "You aren't sending him to his death. He'll live for quite some time after he gets back. I know that isn't much and I can't imagine how hard it is for either of you, but this isn't your fault."
"Isn't it?" Hermione asked, a watery, hysterical chuckle bubbling past her lips. "If I never would have gone back in the first place—"
"There's no sense in playing the 'if' game and you know it," Harry said, not unkindly. "But, I agree. He can't show up and spill what he knows all over the place. If he doesn't get hunted down and killed for information, at the very least, it'll change too much."
"What am I supposed to do?"
Harry found her hand, lacing their fingers together. He leaned over and placed a small kiss on her temple. "I think you know exactly what has to happen, Hermione."
She toyed with the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth, trying to keep herself from crying even harder than she already was. The trickle of tears that fell down her cheeks now were manageable, but if she said it out loud, she was afraid she'd break completely.
Finally, after several long minutes of silence she took in slow breath and shook her head, "I can't do that to him. I can't do that to anyone ever again."
"I don't see another option," Harry whispered, squeezing her hand.
She knew Harry was right. Their options were limited and Remus was determined to make sure things changed for the better. She sighed, a long and shaky thing. "I can't."
"I'm sorry, Hermione."
"But why?" She cried, her shoulders shaking as salty tears fell hard and fast down her face. Harry pulled her against his chest, rocking gently. "Everyone else has someone, everyone is able to love who they want and be cared for and...why do I lose everyone?"
"You've still got me," Harry said. And Hermione could tell the 'i know it's not the same' hung between them. Still he whispered again, "You've got me."
.
.
a/n: I hope you enjoyed it! let me know? If you have a twitter, come hang out with me! mimifreed
xo
