What Had Happened Was…
Lorraine Rutherford closed her email, a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Her cute African facial features were twisted into a frown. Shorter than everyone in her life, the thin, notoriously attractive but romantically uninterested Registered Nurse sighed with a frown. Should she have agreed to an interview so easily? It had only been a year and seven months since The Nostalgia Critic had started his search for her. Maybe there was still a chance that he would stop pestering her. Maybe he would finally pick up on her silent hints that she didn't want to talk about her past.
Yeah, right.
"Hey, whatcha doing?" James looked over at her screen.
"Nothing," the girl gasped, closing the window immediately. Her coworker looked at her strangely but turned back to the conversation with the other nurses.
"I still say that the girl's strategy is brilliant. She's drumming up interest. I bet Rutherford has a new movie coming out as we speak!"
"She doesn't," Dana and Lorraine said at the same time.
"What makes you say that, Leslie?" James asked Lorraine. Lorraine - or Leslie Pince as she was known to her coworkers and friends here in Canada - shrugged before pointing at the screen she'd just closed. "I looked at her IMDb page. There's nothing on it saying that she's going to do anything beyond that one movie. And that movie was like five years ago! Why are we talking about her anyway?" Gena rubbed her hands playfully through the annoyed girl's braids.
"Oh, don't mind Leslie. She's just sore that everyone thinks she looks like that 'Rutherford' chick." Everyone laughed at that and the topic was dropped. The girl was grateful for that. She didn't like lying to her friends, but it was necessary. She'd settled into a very agreeable life since she'd left Philadelphia. The Nostalgia Critic was threatening that peace. Yeah, it was time to silence him by giving him what he wanted. Seeing one of her patients trying to climb out of bed without assistance, the nurse went to help.
Life went back to whatever passed for 'normal' for the American living in Canada. She worked, she crocheted for her Etsy orders, she read, she even went to the karaoke bar with her friends at one point before the interview. It was always in the back of her mind though; what would she say during the interview? How would she protect the life she'd so carefully built over the last five years? What would she say to get the D-list movie reviewer to back off? Was this going to make things worse for her? Should she leave the country and start over again?
The day of the interview rolled around and Raina signed onto her encryption program so that he wouldn't be able to track her down. She wasn't worried about someone recognizing her as she was on audio-only. The woman had become quite the little hacker since her world had fallen apart five years ago. In her nervousness, she had stopped looking at The Nostalgia Critic's site altogether. Turns out she should have. The man had set it up so that their interview would be a Livestream. The fuck?
"I'm not the only one who wants answers, Lorraine," Doug told his target. "This way you only have to answer questions once. Hey, don't worry. You don't have to answer any questions you deem too personal or revealing. Shall we begin?"
It was on the tip of her tongue to call the whole thing off, but Doug reassured her. "Lorraine, please don't disappear on us."
"I just… I don't understand why this is so important to you! It was one movie five years ago. I'm not that important! I-"
"It matters to me - to us - because you really were that good in that one movie. Sunshine was a groundbreaking film. It's become one of my favorite movies, right up there with Citizen Kane."
"...Fine," she said unenthusiastically.
"What's the matter? This should be the easiest interview you've ever had. There's only one question for God's sake! 'What happened to you after the movie came out?' I don't see what the problem is."
Lorraine was suddenly furious at him. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe the answer to that question might bring up a lot of bad memories and worse mojo for me? Are you so short-sighted and single-minded that you can't understand why I might not want to talk about my past? Sunshine ruined my life! I could have been happy never hearing of that stupid movie again!" She cut herself off at that, desperately trying to stem the flow of her tears. Doug was quiet for a while as his guest attempted to get herself under control. With his producer prompting him to continue the discussion, he cleared his throat and pressed on.
"I guess it was a nightmare production then?" he prodded gently. Lorraine snorted at his determination and mentally resigned herself to doing this ridiculous interview.
"You're kidding, right? Working on the movie was… It was the happiest time of my life," she admitted with a smile in her voice that said that she wasn't exaggerating. "Jonathan Ester is the best director in the world. I'm not even sure how he found me or why he cast me in his movie, but he did and it was a wonderful experience. We partied every day, but not in the 'sex, drugs, and rock and roll' type of way. We were just a really tight-knit group for the whole twelve weeks of filming. There were no on-set feuds or fights. No hard feelings on anyone's part or rivalries to ruin the fun. It was fantastic."
"We'd meet up together as a group every morning before filming and simply discuss where we were in the script and what we were going to film that day. We'd talk about motivations, do dry runs of the lines if we had different interpretations of how we thought our characters should react… Basically, go over any problems that might arise while we were filming. Once everything was worked out so that filming would go smoothly, we'd go and film the scenes, wrap for the day and go hang out at night. Unless it was a night scene. Those scenes we did almost back to back over the course of three days. It was grueling, but somehow Jonathan managed to make it fun and interesting for us."
"That sounds amazing, Lorraine!" Doug smiled, caught up in the girl's words. The picture she was painting in his mind was truly amazing. Too bad it apparently had a crummy ending. "So, there were no blow-ups? No rivalries or incidents?
"None as far as I know," The girl shrugged even though no one could see it. "We all got along great as far as I remember. Susy and I - Susy being my understudy - were best friends through the whole thing. It makes me really happy that she and everyone else involved in Sunshine went on to such great things after our movie."
"What about your co-star, Tyr Anasazi? The chemistry between the two of you sizzled off the screen. Have you two kept in contact?"
"I… I haven't spoken to anyone involved in the project since the wrap party with the notable exception of the director. Jonathan should be sainted for the way he stood by me after my life just kinda… fell apart after that point. He's been my anchor, my-"
"So, you two are together?"
"What? Ew," she blinked in disgust. "Jonathan is like a father to me. He's happily married to Lila, who's been so motherly to me that it makes me want to cry with gratitude. After everything that happened, she and her husband are still my rocks. I literally owe them my life; I would never betray either of them!"
"Okay, okay," The Critic laughed. "I just wanted to be sure I understood everything in the correct context. Why don't you start from the beginning and tell us about the shoot and then what happened afterward."
"Um… Okay," Raina said with a smile in her voice, obviously caught up in those good times. "Well, like I said, I don't believe that the shoot was like anything anyone has ever experienced on a production. It was magical, the chemistry between all of us was amazing. Sunshine was essentially a love story, but Johnathan managed to make it a thriller, a mystery, a tragedy - and in the end - a tale of enduring friendship all at the same time. I was in awe of how masterfully he wove all the elements of our stories together without breaking a sweat. Everyone was willing to trust his vision and - judging from all the awards and the critical acclaim, it was a vision worth trusting."
"Talk about Tyr," Doug prompted.
"Tyr is, hands-down, the sexiest man I have ever seen in my life. My heart starts racing just thinking about him! I mean, talk about God's own personal gift to women," she gushed. "He is sooo carnal, so very, very sensuous. His voice is like honeyed chocolate - I felt like I could drown in those deep, smooth, golden tones…" She drifted off and giggled. "He was also late to the production as far as I remember. He was the last to arrive on location. And I know this because we had a scene together and… well…"
"Well what?" the man asked. "What happened?" Doug was excited to hear about the production. The entire cast and crew of Sunshine had been extremely tight-lipped about the production all these years.
"Well, the first scene Johnathan filmed was our meeting. It was an easy enough scene to memorize and he actually had me run the lines with a bunch of guys over the course of about a week. Then Tyr showed up and… Well… I forgot all of my lines! That first scene in the movie? You know, the meet-cute? That was literally my introduction to Tyr Anasazi. The panic in that scene is real - I was desperately trying to remember my lines and flubbing them like it was my day job! And those nervous glances around? That was me trying to catch Johnathan's attention and praying to the good Lord above that he would put me out of my misery and say 'cut' so that I could run away!"
"But that was a good thing wasn't it? The scene is so organic and flows so well with the rest of the narrative."
"I'll tell you how bad that stupid scene was! Even now, sitting here and talking about it five flipping years later, I suddenly cannot remember what the lines of that opening scene are supposed to be! I know that scene by heart, but right now my heart is racing and I've completely blanked on how that stupid scene was supposed to go!" The girl was panting as she tried to calm herself down. "By the time the director finally, thankfully, shouted cut, I was in tears. You have to understand; this was my first ever acting role in front of a camera. Up until that point, I'd done high school plays and college plays and choir. I wasn't used to being in front of the camera for any reason. I was convinced that he was going to replace me! It took an hour to calm me down, and I couldn't even look at poor Tyr for the rest of the night. God, I have got to stop crushing on that man…"
She started to feel insulted when Doug laughed hard as she tried to calm her heart that was trying to beat its way out of her chest, even after all this time. Tyr Anasazi, or Richard Gordon as he'd been named in Sunshine, was the person she missed most from that production. She was head over heels in love with him and it wasn't just for his amazing good looks. Tyr was a wall of muscle; she'd watched him exercise obsessively between takes and still whimpered at just how strong he was. But it wasn't just his physical prowess and perfect features that had enthralled her all those years ago. Tyr had a magnetic personality that had called to all of the female cast and crew. He was kind and polite, but had a charisma about him that made you want to listen to him no matter your sex. Personally, she felt that Tyr carried the whole movie strictly on his personality. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I asked if you were okay now," Doug smirked. "Also, would you be willing to turn on your video for us?"
"No thank you. I'm trying to keep my past and my present as separated as possible. The minute that my worlds collide, things might go back to the way things were and I… I have to keep moving forward."
"Um… Okay," the man said, obviously confused by that statement. "So… Would you say that the first scene in the movie sort of… set the tone for the production?"
"Oh yeah! Jonathan was interested in raw reactions and the first takes all throughout the movie. He wanted us at our most natural, 'our most instinctive' as he called it. That's why he was so open with us about our motivations and how we were interpreting the script. He wanted our authentic reactions in each and every scene. And he wasn't afraid to dig deep into our psyches to get it. Luckily, every single one of us was willing to work with him. It wouldn't have been such a marvelous production if not for his dedication to our true feedback. Day after day; scene after scene. There was no improv onset; there was no need for it. He'd actually rewrite whole scenes based on our reactions to the script. It was fantastic. Like we were all working together to make this movie work. It kept us all invested and committed to the production. We were all exhausted, I mean psychologically fatigued, by the time the last take of the last scene rolled around. And it was one hundred percent worth it for the work of art that we created. Obviously, a lot of people agreed."
"Wow. You really feel strongly about this film."
"Of course I do. We all did. At the time it was something that we'd all invested our whole beings into. There was no need to bring fake tears on set or anything. When tragedy strikes, that is real shock, real tears on the set. It was emotionally draining to be that in tune with our characters at all times. Sometimes I swear it was hard to remember if I was talking as myself or as Rashida on set. Jonathan demanded everything from us at all times during the shoot."
"Is that why you were willing to do that sex scene in the third act?" Doug asked, in awe of her commitment to her role.
"What sex scene? Oh, right. That. That was, like the second scene Tyr and I did together and Johnathan was so understanding that I refused to have sex for that scene. He-"
"Wait. You mean to tell me that you didn't have sex in front of the camera for that scene?"
"Of course not! Dude, I'm a virgin! And I made it clear from the outset that I would not give away my most precious gift to a - admittedly handsome and engaging - stranger just for the sake of some stupid movie. Jonathan listened and accommodated me. God, that was a seven-hour shooting day with all the things we had to do to simulate a love scene without actually making love."
"But it looked so real!"
"And that was the problem. Two minutes and fourteen seconds. The final cut of that seven-hour shooting day is only two minutes and fourteen seconds. You could cut that scene completely and I'm sure that you would never know the difference in the cosmic scheme of things. But it only took two minutes and fourteen seconds to ruin my entire life."
"What? What do you mean?"
"I went home immediately after the wrap party. I'd been living in a trailer in beautiful Vancouver for the last three months while we filmed the movie and I missed Philly. So I didn't stick around with the rest of the cast and crew. I went straight home like a good girl. And the instant that my parents got wind that I'd 'done a sex scene', they disowned me. No 'listening to my side'. No discussion at all. I was immediately and publicly disowned by my entire family. And I'm not talking about a small family. My father has seven brothers and sisters. And almost all of them have five kids who all have about five kids of their own."
"My brothers turned away from their 'whore of a sister'. My church excommunicated me. My pastor actually denounced my movie, sight-unseen, calling me 'promiscuous' and 'a terrible role model'. He told me that I had made a porno film; that I was going to hell and that I was no better than a prostitute. There was a point where my neighbors would spit at me as I walked down the street! There were protests against me organized by my friends and coworkers at the time! Nobody wants to talk about that. Nobody remembers that!"
"I never heard anything about that," Doug said in horror. "Thinking back, I remember some news of some little protests to the movie, but it was quickly drowned out by the news of the movie's box office records."
"Of course you didn't. But, I was at ground zero of those 'little protests'. I don't even know if anyone bothered to report on the smear campaign that destroyed my life and my self-esteem. I was forced to step down from my job, I lost my old apartment, my friends, my entire family, my Church… By the time the Oscars rolled around two months later, I was done with life completely. I didn't go to the awards ceremony. No, I was in a tub buck-ass naked to make it easier on the coroner to identify my body and my new landlord to clean up the apartment afterward. See, public suicide has always pissed me off. Jumping in front of traffic and such is so cheap and petty!"
"My thought has always been 'if you're going to do it, just do it. Don't miss and don't bring others into your drama. Swallow a bullet or open a vein in the privacy of your own home; they - that being emergency services - will find you eventually. Well, let it be known that I am not a hypocrite. Blood clears up easier when mixed with water, and I had a nice, sharpened razor blade to my inner arm, about to end my miserable life. My self-worth had been effectively destroyed after the relentless betrayals of my nearest and dearest in the two months following the production. No one stood by me as it was happening. Not one single person even asked me why I'd done it or even if I had done it."
"At that point, it didn't even seem important that I didn't do it. The fact that no one allowed me to defend myself, the fact that I was condemned without a trial and no evidence... The whispers, the slut-shaming, the physical and mental violence against me… I just wanted it all to end. And I was just about to end it, the TV tuned to the Oscars as a fitting suicide note since I was winning all these awards off my 'shameful, sinful behavior' when Lila walked in on me. In hindsight, I don't even know why I gave the Esters my new apartment key in the first place. But thank God I did. They were the only ones that stood by me as my life crumbled right before my very eyes. Lila convinced me to put down the razor blade after a while. She got me out of the tub, helped me dress, and we flew straight to their home in the Alps with only the clothes on my back, where I spent a whole week all by myself just… raging."
"I still kinda feel bad about that week. I broke every single fucking mirror in their home. It was… cathartic. After that, they helped me piece my life back together, brick by tear-sodden brick. The money I made off that movie was used to put together a new life for myself. I changed my name. I have not set foot back in Philadelphia since the night I almost ended my life. I got a new job and friends came with that job. If I could have, I would have changed my face, but I simply couldn't afford it at that time. I probably could now if things became that dire again. As it is, I get a lot of comments about how I 'look so much like that Rutherford broad'. And it's only in the last six months or so - after extensive therapy and the introduction of meds into the situation - that I can stand looking in the mirror again. I-"
"I can't believe what I'm hearing. You were excommunicated from your church? I mean, I haven't heard about anything like that happening to anyone since the Middle Ages! And all over a-"
"Apparently, it was enough. I haven't heard of people being excommunicated from a church in recent times. And this was a church that brought IV drug users and sex workers into their fold. But apparently, what I did was outside of the realm of forgiveness."
"And you really didn't-"
"That was some really Hitchcockian camerawork he pulled to make that scene happen. I was in a skin-tight bodysuit for the whole thing. I wouldn't even strip for the scene. And Tyr was such a great sport through the whole humiliating experience! We barely knew each other and he held me as I cried and worked with the director to come up with suggestions and solutions for the scene. Like I said before, this was the second scene we filmed for the movie. Jonathan wanted it to be 'awkward for the new couple', and believe me, it was. We'd only met for that first disastrous meet-cute and suddenly we had to be intimate together? No. That was not happening. As much as I believed in the movie, as much as I trusted our director, there was no way that was ever going to happen." She sighed after revealing everything that she'd been through. "So there you have it. The reason that I disappeared out of my life immediately after the movie was made. Are you satisfied with the answers? Are you going to leave me alone now?"
"Lorraine…"
"My life is finally back on track. The last thing I need is reminders of the hell I had to go through to get to where I am today. I have no intention of ever acting again considering how it tore my life in two. So there really isn't a reason for you to bother me anymore. Please stop bringing me up in your posts. I truly do not want the attention. Take care and have a nice life." With that, she signed off and cried for the rest of the night.
