Chapter 127: July 1998
"How do you feel by the end of the day, are you sad because you're on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends."
-The Beatles
Remus woke early the next morning to the sound of whimpering coming from the bed next to him. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes with the heel of his palms and pulled himself off the mattress, stepping over the short distance between the beds to give Mika's shoulder a shake.
"Mika," he whispered. "Mika, wake up."
She thrashed about, throwing her arms in every direction before jolting upright, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she gulped for breath. Remus frowned, looking down at her with his brows pinched in concern.
"Remus," she croaked. "Hey."
"Hey," he whispered back, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Alright?"
She nodded, "Yeah, I'm good. Just...just a nightmare." Mika blinked heavily, scraping her fingers through her long hair. "What time is it?"
Remus looked to the small nightstand between their beds to the slim clock that read 5:37 in red numbers on the face.
"A little after half five," he replied. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head, "No. No, I'm fine. Go back to sleep, you look like you could use it."
Mika wrapped her arms around herself and burrowed back under the duvet. Her thin body was shaking slightly and Remus knew enough about past traumas to know that she was unravelling. He sighed, nudging her side.
"Budge over."
She looked at him for a long moment, her eyes narrowed slightly before she rolled onto her side and scoot toward the centre of the bed. Remus tugged back the duvet, climbing in behind her and pulled her toward him, wrapping his arms around her tightly.
"Didn't peg you as someone who likes a cuddle," Mika mumbled, sinking into the embrace.
"I don't, typically," Remus admitted, his eyes already feeling heavy. "But, it used to help Hermione and even Lily sometimes."
"Lily?" Mika asked, "You haven't mentioned that name much before."
"I suppose I haven't," he said.
"Well, go on then."
Remus took in a slow breath, "What do you know about Harry Potter?"
He'd taken care to leave as much detail of the Potter's out of his recollections as possible when telling Mika about Hermione. At first, it had been more because he didn't want to let something slip that could pose a risk to Harry. And then, it had been more for his own inability to talk about them without his throat feeling like it would close up.
"The Boy Who Lived," Mika said, simply. "Everyone knows who he is. Even those of us who were living in caves at the time. A baby who defeated the Dark Lord the first time around—and he's just done it again, hasn't he?"
Remus nodded, a few of Mika's hairs tickling his chin. "Harry's parents were two of my best friends."
Mika's body stiffened and she rolled over, slipping out of the embrace to stare at him. "Shit. I'm sorry, Remus."
Remus lifted a shoulder in a half shrug, "It was twenty years ago."
"Doesn't make it any less shitty."
"That may be true," Remus agreed. "Lily was his mum. Brilliant witch. Beautiful too, and incredibly kind and strong-willed. She kept our heads about us most of the time. She and Hermione were fast friends, though that wasn't much of a surprise. James, Lily's husband, was one of my mates from the time I was eleven. One of the first people I met at Hogwarts."
"I'd forgotten you went to school," Mika interjected. "Were you already bitten by then?"
Remus nodded, "Yeah. Dumbledore—the headmaster—"
"I know who Dumbledore is, everyone does." Mika laughed.
"Well, he was able to secure me a spot. He even gave me a place to transform where I could be safe and keep the others safe from me. James, Sirius, and Peter...they were my dorm mates all through."
"Do you miss them?"
"Every day."
There was something about Mika that Remus was growing to really appreciate. While most of the time she chattered on about everything that popped into her head, she also forced Remus to talk about things he hadn't spoken of in years. She asked questions about his childhood, asked about his time at Hogwarts, his mum and dad, his friends. She spent a lot of time asking about Hermione and what he knew about her.
"It's important to remember them," she said, as they walked through the packed streets looking for the entrance to the library. "Keeps us fightin' every day, you know?"
Remus hummed. He did know. He knew all too well how to keep pushing forward when he felt like giving up because he had been given a life when so many of the people he loved had been robbed of the opportunity. So many had had their lives cut short.
"So, this is some magical library then?" Mika asked as Remus stopped in front of a run-down restaurant with a closed sign in the window.
"Yes," Remus nodded, tapping the door with his wand. "Take my hand, you'll be able to enter with me."
Remus held his hand out, clasping hers tightly, and waited for the door to shimmer. It rippled with magic a moment later, twisting and shifting the bricks and glass to the side. Remus stepped through the threshold, pulling Mika in behind him.
The inside of what looked to be a condemned Chinese takeaway restaurant from the street opened up to a massive three-story library. Carts filled with ancient volumes zipped up and down the aisles as books levitated themselves back to their correct spots on the shelves. Tables were dotted along the common areas, housing an array of witches and wizards with their noses pressed deep into books. Remus tugged Mika along, shushing her before she had the chance to let out a shout of surprise as a goblin waddled by, a stack of books taller than himself rocking precariously in his arms.
Remus zig-zagged his way through the first level to the back where the stairs led to the upper floors.
"How'd you find this place?" Mika breathed out, her voice in awe.
"I was a Defence Professor for a year at Hogwarts," Remus muttered, climbing the stairs. "When I was contacted to take the position, I did some brushing up. Dumbledore recommended I come here."
"Of course, you were a bloody professor, how'd I not already guess that?" she laughed, "Look at you!"
Remus gave her a look of feigned offence and she snickered again, shoving at his back as they continued up the flights of stairs.
The top floor housed an extensive library of muggle books that also had magical connotations. Encyclopaedias that marked the lines that crossed between Muggle lore and magical fact. Remus thought this may be the best place to start, given the material he was after.
He perused the aisles, plucking a few books from the shelves that looked promising. After his arms will full, he and Mika made their way to a corner table, spreading out their findings to begin reading.
Mika looked nervously at the pile, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. "So erm, I should probably tell you…"
Remus looked up from the book he was opening, his brows pinched in concern at the tone of her voice. "Tell me what?"
"Well, you see...I was turned young, y'know? And after I was kidnapped and bitten…well, it's not like I returned home. I lived with the others in the dens and on the compounds most of my life. I mean, except for when Nikolai and I ran off from time to time but even then we didn't—"
"Mika," Remus admonished, his patience beginning to wear thin.
She took in a deep breath, closing her eyes. "I'm not very good at reading," she announced, opening them back up to stare at her hands in her lap. "Or writing. Or—or maths. I was eight so, it's not like I had very long in primary school, y'know? I'm not stupid! I'm just…a different kind of smart. The kind that's really good at thievin' and stayin' hidden."
"You can't read?" Remus asked, slowly.
Mika pressed her lips into a flat line and scrunched her face up, "It's not like I can't at all! I'm just not very good at it. I don't understand a lot of the big words used in books like this. I know enough to get by but…"
Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Mika, when you asked what I was doing when I left the den and I said research, what exactly did you think I meant?"
She finally looked up at him and shrugged, "I dunno, to be honest. But, you looked lonely like you could use a friend doing whatever it is you were plannin' to do. And you seemed so freaked out by all the others—by yourself, even—that I thought maybe you just needed some help gettin' adjusted."
"So, you came with me for what? An adventure?"
"I guess."
"This isn't an adventure, Mika, this is my life. I have to find a way to get back to Hermione. I have to figure out how to find the fountain. I told you what happens," Remus whispered, furiously. "Things aren't going to stay calm for long. People are going to start dying again, getting turned into monsters and I can put an end to it but not if—"
He cut himself short, sitting back in his chair and taking a slow breath.
Mika's face hardened, her gold eyes narrowed into slits. "Not if what, Remus?"
"Nothing, it's not important. I'm sorry, I lost my temper. I shouldn't have—"
"No, no! Go on, then. Not if what? Not if you're carryin' around my dead weight, too?" Mika's voice was filled with venom but the hurt look on her face contradicted it.
"That's not...I wasn't going to say—"
"You didn't have to," she spat. "Why'd you come to the wolves if you have no intention of becoming part of the pack? If you're so content with bein' alone, what brought you there in the first place?"
"I don't know," Remus mumbled.
"Bullshit," Mika pressed. "You do know. You wanna know what I think?"
"You're going to tell me anyway," Remus muttered under his breath.
Mika heard him and levelled him with a fierce glare. "I think that since you've had me trailin' around, that wolf in your head has been calmer than it has ever been. I think that you don't know what it's like to let the wolf be a part of you and you're fucking terrified of what it means because you hate it. So, you came to us to figure it out because you're too bloody scared to do it yourself."
"I came to the pack because I didn't have anywhere else to go."
"Liar," she snarled. "You have a cottage, two, if I remember correctly—and I do! You have connections in the Wizarding World, friends there that could help you if you asked. But, you came to us. Why?"
She's right.
Not the time.
If not now, then when? When will you accept what I am trying to do for us?
Shut up.
You have been useless your entire life and now you are stronger than you've ever been, yet you act weak. Coward.
Shut. Up.
"You're talkin' to him now," Mika pointed out. "I can tell. You need my help and he knows it, too. Whatever it is you're trying to accomplish here, you aren't gonna do on your own. Especially if you keep denyin' who you are."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"I think I do. And, I think you know I'm right." Mika stood from the table, roughly shoving her chair back in, "You live in fear, Remus. Fear of everything that's happened happenin' again, fear of not findin' your way back to Hermione and fear of yourself. It's bloody pathetic, mate."
Remus' jaw twitched, an angry puff of air coming through his nostrils. "At least I can read."
Mika let out a humourless laugh and shook her head, "Piss off. I may not be able to read an encyclopaedia with ease, but at least I know who I am. You've been given a second chance, I suggest you use it to figure that out for yourself."
She dug into her pocket for a moment before producing one of the stolen credit cards and a few banknotes, slapping it on the table. "You'll probably need this. But, then again you're so smart. Perhaps you can just read about food and it'll fill your belly."
Her eyes lingered on him for a beat before she turned on her heel and made her way back to the winding staircases that led to the main floor.
Remus drew in a deep breath and slowly turned the key to the motel he had been sharing with Mika. He'd been sure she would have left by now, gathered what little items she had and took off. He was so good at making sure he was alone—even when he wasn't trying to be. He'd become an expert in not letting anyone in, not getting too close. And for some reason he still couldn't figure out, he'd let Mika see him. Really see him. He had told her everything. He had worked through so much of the sudden onslaught of memories with her. She'd stayed up with him through the night as horrible nightmares of past moments looped in his brain. All the things he should have done, all the words he should have said.
And, once again, he took the care of another for granted. Just as he'd done to James, Lily, and Sirius. Just as he'd done to Hermione.
He had sat at the library staring at the words on the pages of thick volumes for hours. All the letters bleeding together and blurring in his vision as he tried to concentrate on the task at hand. He couldn't think straight. The only thing he could think about was what Mika had said.
He had gone to the werewolves for a reason. He had felt compelled to go there first. And she was right—he needed help adjusting. Not because he was newly bitten and didn't understand what the life of a werewolf would have in store for him. But, because he had never embraced what that life might mean. The thought of living in caves or dilapidated shelters had terrified him so wholly that he'd avoided it at all costs, scraping by with pocket change and renting rooms from dodgy places owned by even dodgier people.
He'd always caged the wolf; burying it as deeply within himself as he could manage. But Mika embraced it and she was so free.
He shoved the door open when the lock clicked and was surprised to see Mika lounging on the bed, a spoon in her mouth and the remote control in her hand as she flipped through static-filled telly channels. She looked up at him, slowly pulling the spoon from between her lips and arching an eyebrow.
"Surprised to see you here," she said lightly, dipping her spoon into a sticky brown substance that looked rather questionable.
"I could say the same," he answered, tossing the key on the small table and toeing his shoes off by his bed. "I thought you'd be gone by now."
"D'you want me to be?" She asked.
Remus sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows digging into his knees and his head in his hands. "No."
"That's surprisin'. Mister lone wolf—I thought for certain you'd boot me out the moment you got back in."
Remus looked up at her, his shoulders slumping slightly, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"
"No," she interrupted, waving her spoon at him. "Shut up. You were angry. It's okay to be angry sometimes, Remus. Christ, do you think normal people just go through life repressin' their feelings all the time? It's a wonder you've made it to the ripe old age of fifty-nine without droppin' over from a heart attack from all that repression."
"I'm thirty-eight."
"And you don't look a day over sixty," she smirked, indulging in another spoonful of brown paste.
"Very funny," Remus said, flatly. "But, you were right."
"Of course I was."
He couldn't help but chuckle as he shook his head. "I have no idea how to be a proper werewolf. I did everything to avoid it—everything I could think of to shove it away..."
"And yet, your eyes are still just as gold as the rest of ours," Mika said, her tone soft.
"I want your help," Remus said. "Not just with the research and the…" he flailed a hand around as he tried to find the words, "...figuring my shit out. But, I need some guidance here. I've spent a really long time making sure I didn't become the beast they make us out to be. So long that I think I've forgotten that no matter how many wizard or muggle jobs I have, I'm not one of them."
Mika turned the television off, tossing the controller to the far end of the bed. She reached over and rummaged around in a grocery bag, brandishing a plastic spoon. She held it out to him, passing the jar she had been eating from over to him with raised eyebrows.
"It's called Nutella," she said. "And it's fuckin' brilliant. Chocolate and hazelnut spread, who'd've ever thought those would be good together?"
Remus smiled and took the jar, scooping out a spoonful. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," Mika smiled. "And it's not a 'you versus them thing', y'know? Everyone has shit. Mounds and mounds of it. Ours just has a little more fur than the average person's. All that time spent around people who fear you for somethin' you can't help...it's no wonder you hate it. But sometimes things you don't think will work together do—and it's amazing."
"Like hazelnut and chocolate?" Remus hummed, around the sweet spoonful.
"Or like a seventy-three-year-old werewolf and his gorgeous twenty-six-year-old friend."
Remus barked out a laugh and shook his head, "So, will you help me?"
"Remus, there is nothin' I would rather do than help you."
.
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a/n: thank you guys so much for being so patient between chapters lately. irl has been kicking me in the teeth lately and the anxiety monster has been REAL. comments are always greatly appreciated. Love you all the most
xo
